White Room Virgin (Room #1)

14 - Jonah

14

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Jonah

It was impossible to concentrate on the lecture. I had been feeling terribly uncomfortable in my skin all morning. Nothing felt right, whether I was observing the professor or gazing at the screen before me. The evening at Lucien’s studio hung over me like a dark, demonic cloud.

I didn’t even know how I actually felt. Was I exhilarated? Tired? Confused? Or maybe angry?

Lucien had me under his spell and I succumbed to him with the first little touch. He was a demon! And he looked like a damn angel!

It made me angry because he had been following me everywhere since I left the studio. He was constantly buzzing around in my mind like a ghost, and every time I licked my lips, I tasted him.

When Simon and I left the university at lunchtime and cigarette smoke wafted into my nostrils, I turned around. Maybe he was there––which made absolutely no sense.

“Have you seen anyone you know?” Simon asked.

“Hm …” I said quietly. “No, I was wrong.”

“You’re kind of out of sorts today. Are you okay?”

“I had a rough night’s sleep.”

“Must be the mid-semester slump. Soon it picks up and suddenly the year is over.”

“Yeah, I guess it will be,” I mumbled, my mind already back in the studio.

I kissed him. Of course, he kissed me first, but I kissed him. And I wanted more. And he would have given me more. Oh God, I’m so stupid!

Maybe Lucien was right. Maybe I really was a liar. Because if I had been honest with myself, I would have stopped fooling myself. Lucien awakened a desire in me and tickled someone who was a complete stranger to me. Just the thought of him kissing me made the blood rush to my center and my cock twitch.

I remembered how I had held him in the stairwell. His slim body … And how I had placed my hands on his head during the last kiss. I felt the warmth of his body, the heat on his neck, and his sweet tongue. I hadn’t wanted him to stop.

Oh God! Stop it already! He’s a man! And I like women!

At least this time I did the right thing and left—albeit with quite a delay. But I had run away. That was good.

Shit, man! And yet I couldn’t let it go.

Not even a hot shower had helped. Afterward, I lay in bed, clutching the pillow and staring at the wall. When I realized that Lucien’s room was behind it, I turned to the other side and crawled under the covers. My thoughts were so scattered that I couldn’t even recall a comforting psalm. Instead, my hand had wandered into my pants while I thought of Lucien.

“Oh, we’re having curry today,” Simon happily said as we reached the canteen.

I wasn’t hungry at all and went to the salad buffet instead.

***

The day was more challenging than rewarding, so I felt relieved when I finally made it home in the evening.

“Saturday in a week works for me,” Martin said in the kitchen. “I’ll take my cousin with me. Ah, I thought you might be able to use them.”

It sounded like he was on the phone, but when I stepped into the kitchen, I found Lucien sitting there. He was smoking and looking at a pile of new magazines spread out on the table in front of him.

“Jonah!” Martin exclaimed happily. “Your birthday is coming up next week on Saturday. We’ll celebrate it!”

“Oh … I actually wanted to …”

“Nothing there!” he interrupted me. “You’ll be twenty-one! You can’t mope about it!”

I hesitated, placing my backpack on the table and casting a cautious glance at Lucien. He looked different somehow. His wheat-colored hair was shiny. He was freshly shaven and well-rested. His green eyes sparkled mischievously.

God! He was even more beautiful than I remembered. That damn angel.

When he peered up at me and blew out smoke, all my blood sank into my legs, my heart slipped into my pants, and my alarm bells went off. Had he told Martin something? Lu acted as if nothing had happened the night before. As if I had never even been in the studio. He didn’t ignore me completely, but he extinguished the cigarette with a bit too much indifference for my liking. He then put the magazines in a pile and stood up. As he walked around the table, I saw something flicker in his eyes that aggravated me—apart from anything else that completely confused me. There was this brief moment when Lucien locked eyes with me, a hint of divine spark in his gaze, as if he were genuinely pleased to see me. A smile even crossed his closed lips. But the moment didn’t last a second and was nothing more than a muscle twitch. He avoided any further eye contact and disappeared into his room. I sat down at the table and was even more confused than before.

“Let’s go to the thrift shop on Friday afternoon,” Martin said and sat down at the table with a glass of water.

The thrift shop again?

But before I could roll my eyes, Martin raised his hands in a placating gesture. “I just want to have a look around. We could also use some new glasses, and maybe you can find some too.”

“I have a lecture until three o’clock.”

“Then we’ll go afterward. It’s not far from here.”

“All right, it won’t hurt to have a look around.”

***

Everyday life returned incredibly quickly, and we had dinner together again the very next day. Martin didn’t seem to notice what had happened between Lucien and me, or maybe he was just a master of deception. And Lucien acted as distant toward me as he had when I first moved in, even if his looks made me understand that he was actually just trying to do me a favor. It was as if we were pretending a normality to Martin that didn’t exist. And since I never found Lucien alone, which was what he probably intended, I had no opportunity to confront him.

I thought about the situation, examined it from all angles, and tried to figure out how best to proceed. Every encounter with Lucien seemed to awaken something unknown in me. I even actively avoided eye contact with him during dinner together. I had never felt so ashamed before. Even if the opportunity had arisen to confront Lucien, I likely wouldn’t have done so anyway. I was enjoying the peace too much to want to destroy it.

Before I knew it, it was already Friday, and I met Martin at the thrift shop. Of course, he was hoping that I would finally find some furniture for my room, but I aimlessly roamed through the aisles, feigning interest in finding a table. In a raffia basket, I stumbled upon a few wall crosses, and I leaned over to inspect one.

Hang Jesus on the wall for all I care.

I hesitated. At my parents’ house, Jesus hung in every room watching you. I wanted to avoid that here, so I put the cross back.

“Did you find anything?” Martin asked as I stepped next to him at the checkout.

The cashier was wrapping a framed picture of Miles Davis in newspaper. As she turned to the three glasses he had bought, I stepped closer to Martin. “Is Lu gay?” I asked quietly, surprised at how easily the question came to my lips.

Martin grinned and took out his money.

What’s there to laugh about?

“I don’t think it matters to him.”

“What do you mean?”

Martin put the money on the table and regarded me suspiciously. “What do you care about Lu’s sex life? What makes you think that all of a sudden?”

“What do you mean it doesn’t matter?” I asked.

“Well … God doesn’t make a difference either. He loves everyone equally.”

“That’s not the same thing,” I said indignantly.

Martin laughed, took the bag with the glasses and his picture, and left.

It didn’t really matter to me whether Lucien liked men, women, or both. I couldn’t explain to myself why I had asked Martin. Lu had kissed me, so it was evident that he liked men. Maybe I just didn’t want to admit it. But what would it have changed if Martin had assured me that Lu only liked women? Could I have dismissed it as an oversight? Two terrible blunders. Slips that ignited a desire I had never experienced before in my life.

This can’t go on. Time to look for women. A girlfriend will do me good.

In the end, I was glad that Martin dropped the conversation. We went home and prepared dinner.

“I’ve been thinking about going to work,” I said as I sliced the zucchini.

“As long as your parents are paying, you don’t really need a job.”

“Not a job,” I replied eagerly. “Something charitable. At church or something. And maybe I’ll meet some new people there.”

Women.

“At the hospital, they’re always looking for students to do sitting service. That way you can earn some extra money and do something charitable.”

“Hm …” I mumbled, unconvinced. “Yeah, maybe.”

The front door suddenly slammed shut.

“Fucking door …” Lucien muttered and staggered past the kitchen, completely drunk.

“Lu!” Martin shouted. “Are you eating with us?”

“No,” he answered dejectedly and let the door close behind him.

“What’s wrong with him?” I asked. “One day he’s fine and the next he’s completely off track again.”

“That’s just how he is—a bit moody.” The smile had disappeared from Martin’s face, and he was staring at the knife in his hand.

I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was very wrong here.

“Don’t worry about it,” Martin replied to my unspoken question. “It’s nothing to do with you.”

How would you know that?

I stared worriedly at Lucien’s door.

My goodness! Why did I even care about him? And why did it bother me that I worry about him? He’s rarely home. In fact, I don’t even know him. It’s probably all just a misunderstanding.