White Room Virgin (Room #1)

18 - Lucien

18

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Lucien

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

What have I done?

What if Martin finds out?

This cannot happen! No way!

Not even the cool air brought clarity. My mind was racing, and I was completely out of it and running aimlessly down the street like a madman. I could still feel Jonah’s member in my mouth, tasted him and his semen … and saw Phil in my mind’s eye.

My brain had been going crazy all day. Phil had been buzzing around in my head like a bumblebee. When Jonah had been standing at the kitchen counter with his back to me, with his broad shoulders and well-proportioned upper body, I had seen Phil. My body had acted on its own. The longing to hold him, to feel him, to smell him, to absorb his warmth inside me … I was drawn to him as if he were a magnet, irresistibly captivated by everything he embodied.

Shit, man!

How many times had I blown Phil just because I felt like it? Because we felt like it. Besides, I had always had the feeling that Phil had given me much more than I had given him. Secretly, I had hoped to give him something back, to make him happy.

I nervously lit a cigarette. My hands were shaking.

This is not good. Not good at all.

I urgently needed to distract myself, as the spiral I was trapped in kept dragging me further and further down. I felt myself being drawn into the depths of darkness and in danger of slowly drowning—a feeling I was all too familiar with. Martin had told me to tell him as soon as I realized it was happening again.

No. Not a chance.

Once more, I found myself crossing a line and breaking a promise I had made. I would never reach out to him for help—I simply didn’t deserve it. Why couldn't he see that I was the biggest failure in the world? I was a master at fucking up everything. I didn’t even stop at his cousin. Soiled a pure mind like Jonah’s with my filth. And even now, I longed for him. Everything about him attracted me, as if he were the counterpart I’d lost a long time ago. I just couldn’t resist him. It reminded me of my experience with Phil—except that Phil wasn’t a believer and let that hinder his developmaent. Jonah would never admit to himself that he liked men.

Never!

So I did well to get him out of my head as quickly as possible.

But how?

I must put an end to this once and for all! I cannot allow myself to be near him again. These feelings aren't genuine anyway; I'm merely confusing them!

Even though I had just come, I still hadn’t had enough. The urge in my pants was so strong that I paused and took a deep breath to compose myself.

God, Jonah is hot!

Stop it now!

Gradually regaining my composure, I found myself near a bus stop. I tried to keep a cool head because after all, it was actually quite simple: I was horny and hadn’t fucked in a long time. I’d also been working far too much recently, so it was only normal to look for relief. Jonah could be glad that I hadn’t really gone down on him straight away. The man was just hot and he didn’t even know it. He was so innocent and pure. It was probably even good for him that I showed him this side of life. Maybe it brought him out of his shell a little.

Don’t kid yourself.

I tried to make myself feel better, even though I knew I was dragging Jonah into the darkness with me. And he didn’t deserve that. Oh yeah, I was just a selfish asshole. Most of the people I surrounded myself with knew that, and they didn’t seem to care. Otherwise, they would have turned their backs on me long ago. No matter how messed up I was, I didn’t want their pity, and they knew that.

But what was I supposed to do now?

For better or worse, I had to admit to myself that I wanted to see Jonah. But with this thought, Phil also appeared before my inner eye. I wiped my face and tried to think of something else. There was still a longing pulsing inside me that needed to be satisfied somehow. Maybe that was the key to distracting myself from other things.

Before I grabbed the phone out of my pocket, I felt it vibrate against my leg. An uneasy feeling welled up inside me.

Martin? Or maybe Jonah?

I glanced at the screen and was relieved.

Clarissa.

Her message arrived exactly when I needed it. It had been a long time since we had spent time together. In many ways, she mirrored my approach—averse to commitment and skeptical of love—and yet whenever she needed it, just like this time, she called me.

She texted, “Fancy a bit of fun? ;—)”

“Right away. Where do we meet?”

“Can’t meet at home,” she replied, which probably meant that her parents were there. “I’ll book at Widder. In an hour?”

“Okay.” And so I took a long walk toward the old town.

Clarissa was one of those rich kids who spent her money on anything and everything and wasn't afraid to book a night at the fancy Widder Hotel just to have some fun. She was very different from her brother because Steven wasn't interested in luxury at all—apart from the fancy clothes he always wore. He didn't care that I fucked his sister every now and then––I was just one of many.

***

“You’re somehow different than usual,” Clarissa said, tying her long brown curls into a big bun.

Like the Little Mermaid of Copenhagen, she sat in front of me and stared at my naked body with pleasure.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. Somehow you’ve changed.”

I snorted derisively, leaned over the edge of the bed, reached for my pants on the floor, and pulled my cigarettes out of my back pocket. When I lit one, Clarissa immediately yanked it out of my mouth and dropped it in the water glass on the bedside table.

“This is a non-smoking room,” she calmly said. “I’m not paying your fines.”

“As if the few francs mattered.”

“I like spending money, yes. But I don’t burn it.”

“It’s not your money anyway.”

Clarissa let out an exasperated sigh. “Let’s change the subject. It’s impossible to talk about it with you anyway.”

“You see. I’m completely normal.”

“No,” she objected and stood up. As she went to the table and refilled her glass of champagne, the topknot came undone again. The curls cascaded down, draping her slender upper body like a veil. When she faced me, her long hair concealed her breasts.

Like a nymph …

I liked how much importance Clarissa attached to her appearance. She wasn’t conceited and didn't think much of surgery, but she was meticulous about her diet and exercised a lot––a little too much, in my opinion. She sipped her glass and settled onto the bed beside me.

“What no? ” I asked.

She was a master at not voicing thoughts as if the rest of the world could read minds. “You’ve changed, Lu.”

“And what do you mean by that?” I asked, bored. I lay stretched out next to her, with my arms crossed behind my head and one leg over the other.

“The way you fucked me.”

“Ha!” I laughed out loud. “Well, in that case.”

“Here,” she said, handing me the still almost full champagne glass. “I’d rather save myself those 100 calories.”

I took the glass and drank it down in two gulps.

“You know I like it when you do me really hard,” she continued, tossing her hair over her shoulders. “But today you were so… reserved. What was wrong?”

“Nothing.”

Clarissa narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips. “You know you’d better come right out with it.”

“Or what?”

“Or I’ll tie you to the bed again, like when you tried to hide the fact that you were with Phil.”

Just hearing his name made my blood run cold. Even Clarissa could see that she had caught me completely off guard. “I’m sorry,” she said remorsefully and put her hand on my forearm.

I was paralyzed and couldn’t even shake her off. Luckily, she got up again and picked up the bottle of champagne from the table. When I sat up, she was already holding out another full glass. “Here. You look like you could use this.”

I hated champagne, but it came in handy right now. This time, I only took three small sips.

“So,” Clarissa said, climbing back onto the bed and sitting opposite me. “Then tell me about it.”

“There’s not really anything to tell,” I mumbled. “Take three guesses …”

“Okay. I’ll take a guess then. You’ve messed up.”

I nodded.

“You broke a promise?”

I covered my eyes with one hand. “Is it that obvious?”

“Who did you hurt?”

I excitedly stroked my hair and took a deep breath. “I guess Martin. But the real damage was done to his cousin.”

Clarissa laughed. “Oh, Lu! You’re just incorrigible. Does Martin know about this?”

“No,” I replied and took a sip.

“Then what’s the problem? He doesn’t have to know.”

“You don’t understand. Jonah … I … I really don’t think he’ll get over it that easily.”

At least I don’t.

The whole conversation made me uncomfortable, and I nervously turned the glass back and forth between my hands. Aware of the silence, which lasted longer than normal, I looked up. Clarissa was still sitting there, staring at me with a piercing gaze. The nibbling on her lower lip showed that her mind was working. “You are someone who does whatever he wants,” she thought aloud. “Not believing in love and all that shit. That’s all right. No one’s forcing you to. But…”

“Stop analyzing me!”

“But what happened seems to be getting you down … Oh, oh …” Her eyes widened and she opened her mouth. “Lu! You’re in love!”

I stared at her for at least five long seconds until I shook my head. “No. You’re wrong.”

“Oh yes, you like this guy, this cousin. But Lu, that’s wonderful!”

Now I was the one staring at her with wide eyes. I was still shaking my head, but now I was more scared. “Believe me, it’s not good.”

Clarissa’s expression turned anxious. “But there’s nothing you can do about it, is there?”

I nervously clenched my hands into fists, scanning my surroundings. My eyes fell on the cigarettes.

“Go on, light one up,” Clarissa said sympathetically.

I didn't hesitate for long and inhaled the first puff as deeply as I could. Meanwhile, Clarissa opened a window and sat back down on the bed.

“I have brought about a disaster,” I said quietly.

“That bad?”

I could only nod in response.

“Maybe it’s only half as bad as you think.”

“Maybe,” I conceded, hoping to end the conversation that way. But my thoughts continued to circle. “He reminds me of him.”

“Oh … and … how do you deal with it?”

“Well, I’m here, aren’t I?” I replied, forcing a sad smile on my face.

Clarissa accepted this and nodded. “I’m going to take a quick shower. Shall we order something to eat later? We could also watch a movie if you feel like it.”

“And who are you hiding from?” I asked.

“From Dominic. You don’t know him. But … he … I don’t know, I just need a bit of distance. He’s acting like we’re together.”

I knew that Clarissa had a very dysfunctional relationship. As much as she wanted safety, affection, and security, she was incapable of accepting them.

“Don’t worry,” I said. Now it was me who took her hand. “I’ll stay all night if you want.”

“Thank you,” she mumbled.

As she disappeared into the shower, I checked my cell phone. I’d noticed that it had vibrated a few times, but when I saw ten missed calls, three voicemails, and five messages, I could only shake my head.

Josephine.

I did her a favor and called her back, knowing that nothing could be as important as this avalanche suggested.

“Lu! Why are you only calling me back now? I was already worried!”

A glance at the clock told me that it was already eleven o’clock at night. “Hi, Jo! What’s up?”

“Let’s go to the matinee on Sunday.”

Shit …

The concert at the exhibition. It came as no surprise to me that Josephine, of all people, caught wind of it.

“No.”

“Yes, it’s been far too long! I want to see you!”

“It’s not a good time right now,” I said, although I realized that this excuse wouldn’t do. With Josephine, the world could have been about to end—and even then, she wouldn’t have cared. “If you don’t show up, I’ll find you. I’m serious.”

“Fine!”

“There you go,” she said with satisfaction. “Then I’ll meet you in front of the entrance at twelve o’clock?”

“All right.” Shaking my head, I hung up again.

I’ll just go to this stupid matinee.

I finished the champagne, took the last drag of the cigarette, and tossed it in the glass of water. Then I followed Clarissa into the shower.