White Room Virgin (Room #1)

21 - Jonah

21

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Jonah

It was midnight when I woke up again. Once I regained the ability to think, a storm erupted in my mind. Thoughts were racing through my head, and I felt like I was being run over by the whole situation.

Lucien was sleeping with his head on my shoulder, one leg over mine, his hand on my chest. My breath caught in my throat, and my heart stopped. Heat waves and chills alternated and shot through my body in bursts. And I definitely didn’t want him to wake up—I couldn’t bear to look into his eyes at that moment—so I carefully removed my arm from under him. The movement made him turn to the other side, allowing me the opportunity to get away from him. Still, I felt the warmth of his butt against me, bringing me closer like a magnetic force and igniting the desire again.

Oh God, help me!

I got out of bed with the utmost care and consideration. But as I sat up, a sudden, stabbing pain shot through my back, as if something had remained inside me. I struggled to push the feeling away and tried to stretch, hoping to ease the discomfort.

I tiptoed across the room to collect my clothes, then slipped into my boxers. As I stood up straight, my eyes fell on Lucien. His mouth was slightly open, and he was clinging to the pillow the same way he had clung to me before. In the soft light of the floor lamp, his naked upper body appeared as if it had been carved from stone. I had to admit, he was just beautiful.

My God, what are you doing to me?

My memories flooded back, overwhelming me with a sudden wave of nausea. I tore my gaze away from him, slipping silently out of the room. More thoughts raced through my mind at breakneck speed. Sleep was out of the question—I needed to regain composure first. And for me, the best way to do so was to run.

A little later, wrapped up in warm layers, I ventured out into the cold and ran along the river to the lake and then back toward the university. The exercise did me good, and the pain in my back gradually subsided. An icy wind hit my face as the drizzle grew heavier. I rushed through the city like a madman, but I couldn’t shake off the memories.

What had gotten into me? Why had I let it get this far in the first place? The Bible spoke of abominations! And I, me, had committed it! It was a disgrace! I was a disgrace! I had never sinned so much in my life. I had violated all my principles. I couldn’t even afford to go to confession now—that wouldn’t absolve me of my misdeeds. And not even Simon’s theory could reassure me, because what I had done was an act against the laws of nature.

What I did to Lucien … what I let him do to my body … and I enjoyed it … and I still felt him inside me…

My first time!

Feeling sick, I leaned against a streetlamp, bent over, and threw up. My stomach muscles contracted painfully, and my knees were weak. I stood there, breathing heavily, holding onto the lamppost and watching saliva drip from my mouth in a long string.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of a person. Turning my head slightly, I saw an older gentleman strolling with a dachshund on a leash.

“Is everything all right, young man?”

“No!” I cried, hitting the lamppost hard. “Nothing is all right!”

The man scowled and motioned for his dog to move forward. I gazed up at the dark, despairing sky and drew in a deep breath. Thick drops of rain pattered against my face. They felt like ice water. My head was burning with heat. I realized that only I could fix it. I had no choice but to free myself from these shameful feelings and unnatural urges and become a better person.

I returned home completely soaked and went straight to Lucien’s room. He sat on the floor in sweatpants and a white shirt, drawing with chalk on a pad.

“Did you go running?” he asked incredulously.

My whole body was shaking, and my teeth were chattering. “I … can’t do that,” I stuttered with difficulty. “I-it’s n-not natural.”

Lucien put the drawing pad down and stood up. “You need to warm up.”

“No!” I shouted and backed away. “I-it was a mistake!”

Lucien came to a sudden stop and furrowed his brows in irritation. His look hurt me like a knife, but I had to stand firm. “How could I have let that happen? I … will never forgive myself for that!”

“Don’t do this to yourself,” he said, his voice tinged with concern. “You liked it, didn’t you?”

“How could you do this to me? Why did you seduce me? You knew … Everything was fine before!”

He looked at me in dismay. “You don’t mean that. Calm down first.”

“I am calm!” I snapped at him. “And dirty! I can never clear myself of this!”

“Of this?” Lucien faltered, and his voice sounded strained. “Of … me?”

My jaw dropped and I took a deep breath. It hadn’t been my intention to hurt him. His life choices were his own and deserving of respect. In some respects, I even admired him for them. However, that lifestyle wasn’t for me.

Lucien stepped closer and touched my arm. “Jonah, you are choosing something that doesn’t exist.”

“How dare you?” I shouted angrily and pushed him away from me. “What do you want from me anyway?”

Lucien stumbled back two steps before regaining his footing. He stared at me with wide eyes, his mouth open. He remained silent, and I longed for his words to change my mind. But he kept his eyes on the ground and took a shaky breath in and out.

At that moment I wanted to tell him how sorry I was, but I couldn’t. I was frozen. As if on autopilot, I left his room, shut the door behind me, and went straight into the shower.

***

I had been having a hard time falling asleep for the past few weeks, but after that night I found it impossible to sleep at all. The guilty conscience tormented me so much that I thought I had arrived in the well-deserved hell of insomnia. A siren was constantly wailing in my head, which got louder as soon as I got into bed. When I closed my eyes, I saw images from the night we shared with Lucien, so I kept them open and stared out at the world day and night like a zombie.

“If you’re going to spend your nights studying, you might as well combine it with something meaningful,” Martin said a few days later and handed me a flyer from the volunteer sitting watch.

My fear of running into Lucien was so great that I listened at the door before leaving my room. When I heard him come home at night and take a shower, I would lie in bed, heart racing and sweating, staring at the ceiling, afraid that he would finally be the one to barge into my room and demand a conversation. If I had worked as a patient sitter, I would have been spared all of this. I would also have enjoyed helping someone selflessly. On the other hand, I would have put on the mask of a philanthropic liar. Helping strangers, pretending that there was nothing wrong with me, while it was me who was causing trouble around me. No, doing that would only have brought me more shame. And it wouldn’t have been a punishment if I felt good about what I was doing.

Once again I increased my running distance, running double the distance every day, and after a few days, my muscles became so sore that I could barely walk. Completely exhausted, I dragged myself through the cold days and thanked God for making self-flagellation so easy.

Later that day, I met up with Simon at the library to do research for an upcoming test.

“If you don’t feel well, you should go home,” Simon whispered to me across the table.

He sat in front of an open book and stared at me. A chill ran down my spine and I scanned the library to make sure no one was watching or overhearing us. For the sake of peace, I smiled at his well-intentioned suggestion, because I didn’t want to rest at home for anything in the world.

“It’s not the end of the world if you call in sick.”

“I’m not sick.”

“Oh, really? But you look like it.”

“I’m fine,” I assured, closing my book and standing up.

But Simon was right. My physical condition had deteriorated so much that I had to do something. Go home. Take a bath. Sleep for a long time. Anything. But in a twisted, almost masochistic way, I enjoyed being unhappy. God was playing a trick on me, and I had no chance of winning against Him. Punishment was about humbly accepting it, not wallowing in the suffering it caused. I was standing helplessly in front of the bookshelf, wondering what else I could do to punish myself, when Simon appeared next to me, pushed his book back onto the shelf, and purposefully plucked out a new one. “Or did you just want to take this one?” he asked.

“Uh … Hmm. You’re right,” I said tiredly. “I’d better go home.” To the place I least wanted to be at the moment—that would do the trick for now.

“You’ve probably taken on too much in the last few days,” Simon said and put his hand on my shoulder.

I reflexively slapped it away and backed away in horror. He had no reason to touch me, and I certainly didn’t deserve his understanding. I could see on his face that he was trying to analyze my behavior. “Go and rest,” he simply said and returned to the table.

My head was pounding as I waited at the streetcar stop. Dark gray clouds hung over the city and small white flakes fell from the sky. Everything seemed so peaceful, but there was a storm raging inside me.