White Room Virgin (Room #1)

25 - Lucien

25

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Lucien

I had always believed I couldn’t reach a lower point, but now, trapped in this descending spiral of self-loathing, I no longer cared about my fate. If I could, I would have put a bullet in my skull. The thing with Jonah had completely pulled the rug out from under me and I had fallen into a deep hole … falling deeper and deeper. My body was numb. I longed to feel something again, and yet, at the same time, everything felt unbearable. There wasn't enough alcohol in the world to relieve the tension in every fiber of my body.

Clarissa meant well when she took me to her house. I knew Steven was having a party there, but I just didn’t feel like showing up. Now I was here after all.

The house felt familiar to me, as if I had lived there for years, and somehow it was, because I had spent half my childhood there. But when Clarissa and I entered the party, even the familiar rooms couldn’t make me feel at ease. Without removing my coat, I grabbed a bottle of vodka and wandered among the revelers like a ghost, ignoring everyone chatting me up. Steven’s friends were also my friends … or something like that. Right now, though, I didn’t give a damn. I started cursing at Clarissa. I just wanted to blow my brains out and then fuck her. I wasn’t certain about the sequence of events, but what was clear was my annoyance at her vanishing into the crowd to dance with her friends amidst the loud music.

Finally, I went to the basement where her room was. The hallway led directly into the garden, where a few people were smoking and consuming who knows what else. As scatterbrained as I was, I tripped over the runner and would have fallen cold to the ground if someone hadn’t caught me. His upper arms must have been twice the size of mine—maybe a bodybuilder or a bouncer. I knew these guys from the gym. Full of discipline. Judging by the beer in his hand, today must be his cheat day.

I moved away from him and tried to regain my composure, putting on all my charm. But I was way too dizzy, and the conversation he engaged me in was, to say the least, beyond my limits. However, I did notice that he kept touching me. The guy smiled and seemed quite nice. I found out his name was Ben and that he worked security—what a surprise. He seemed to like me, which eventually made me overlook the fact that Clarissa was probably no longer an option for that evening. When Ben tried to figure out what kind of person I was by making suggestive comments, I took a long drink from the bottle and gave him a seductive smile. “You can do whatever you want with me. I don’t care about anything.” I tried hard not to sound too drunk, because I was serious, although I still didn’t know whether I wanted to feel something or nothing at all.

Ben seemed to like my answer because he grinned mischievously. Without a word, I followed him out into the huge garden. It had never been important to me whether man or woman, above or below. With Ben, one look was enough to know what he was made of—his dominance even turned me on.

So, whatever …

As far as I was concerned, he could do whatever he wanted with me. I had long since lost control anyway. And as much as I’d fought to get it back over the last few days, it wasn’t important to me at that moment. Ben was bursting with strength and masculinity and looked like he was about to burst with testosterone. He was exactly what I needed right now.

When I felt his tongue in my mouth and his hand on my cock, I was relieved to feel the touch and not be completely numb. He pulled up my coat, tore down my pants, and grabbed me roughly between my buttocks. Just a few split seconds later, a sharp pain shot through my body. He was in a hurry and reminded me that it had been a very long time since I used this position. But even if I had wanted to stop the whole thing, I was no longer able to, so I let it all happen.

Ben yanked me around, pushing me against the shed wall and his hard cock against my ass. He quickly put on a condom, then brutally choked me, jerked my head back, and entered me.

The pain shot through me like a thousand knives, I gasped for air and tried to hold on or support myself somehow. It was in vain. My hands kept slipping. He started moving. Fast. Hard. The slapping against my ass became louder and Ben made growling noises as he thrust again and again.

I wanted him to destroy me. As painful as it was, I wanted him to tear me to pieces. I made choking sounds, his grip on my neck was too tight. My legs were about to give out, but he held me so tightly with his strong hands that I couldn’t go anywhere. And even when a stray tear trickled down my cheek, I was unable to interpret it as my body’s cry for help.

Ben fucked me into unconsciousness.

And I let him.

***

“Lu!” The voice seemed far away. “Lu! Wake up! Bloody hell! Lu!”

I blinked. It was still dark. I recognized Clarissa above me. Judging by the look on her face, she was completely beside herself. She was fumbling with me. If I wasn’t mistaken, she was pulling up my pants. Only then did I realize that I was incredibly cold. My limbs were stiff, my breathing shallow. The night was freezing, and I was lying in something wet.

“Come on, up you go!” Clarissa pulled my arm over her shoulder and tried to get me to stand up.

But I couldn’t.

“Steven!” she screeched close to my ear. “Steven! Come here!”

I was still so drunk that a smile even crossed my lips. My head tipped to the side, and I fell back into the mud.

“Oh, shit!” It was Steven, and soon I was lifted into a vertical position.

I caught a whiff of Steven's marijuana scent and felt my feet dragging on the ground. Every part of me ached, and the cold had penetrated deep into my bones—only the pain in my rear burned like a hot thorn.

As soon as I stepped inside the house, a comforting warmth enveloped me and my skin began to burn. I could hear music from afar as they took me into Clarissa’s room and onto the couch.

After they undressed me, Clarissa turned to Steven. “Get a blanket!”

Shortly afterward, he returned with an old army blanket. I shivered as he wrapped the blanket around me and rubbed my arms.

“Lu! Look at me! Who was that?” Clarissa knelt on the floor in front of me and searched my gaze. Her pitiful expression was hard to bear. I let myself fall sideways into a pillow and fell asleep immediately.

***

When I woke up, my head was pounding and my mouth was so dry I could barely swallow. I was naked, wrapped in several blankets and lying on the couch in Clarissa’s room. My body ached with the heaviness of that night and my ass hurt terribly. Clarissa’s bed was empty. There was a pile of fresh clothes and a bath towel on the small table in front of me. I got up and went into the bathroom. I had never appreciated the fact that Clarissa had her own shower as much as I did at that moment.

When I looked in the mirror, I was shocked—I had bruises on my neck and a cut on my cheek. That asshole , I thought and got into the shower. As I washed my ass and blood trickled down my legs, my breath caught in my throat. Bloody hell! I had to lean against the wall for a moment, the memories of last night rushing back so vividly. Despite all the alcohol, the images were now catching up with me mercilessly and I was struggling not to let them overwhelm me.

Despite the hot water, the cold was still in my bones when I had finished showering. I rubbed my hair dry and stared at the clothes I had laid out. They were my own. Not the ones I’d worn the night before, though.

Oh no …

My premonition was confirmed when I entered the kitchen: Clarissa and Martin were sitting there with a cup of coffee, talking quietly.

I was too tired to pretend nothing had happened. I stood in the doorway for a moment, annoyed by their worried looks, but in the end, I was glad that Clarissa and Steven’s parents weren’t there too. I knew what kind of image I presented and, knowing Clarissa’s mother, it wouldn’t have taken a day for my parents to find out.

It could be worse. Relax.

I retrieved a glass and filled it with tap water. Standing still for a moment, I took a sip and glanced at the clock on the wall. It was just before midday. When I turned back to the others, Clarissa jumped up and hurried out. Steven was probably still in a deep sleep. Martin pushed the empty cup aside and cast a worried glance in my direction. I was surprised that he didn’t say anything.

Clarissa returned to the kitchen with a bandage in her hand. She came straight toward me, blocking my path and making it impossible for me to keep my distance. The sudden closeness made me more than uncomfortable.

“It’s better if we cover this,” she said, pointing to my cheek.

The cut wasn’t particularly deep, but I stood still and let her do it.

“How did this happen?” she asked, discarding the leftover paper in the bin.

“Honestly, I don’t even know…” I replied casually. And it was the truth—I had no idea. However, I wouldn’t have been shocked if Ben had found it necessary to brand me that way.

That motherfucker!

Martin stood up and took a plastic bag from the floor, which contained my clothes from last night. My damp coat was hanging over the chair.

“Please take the blanket Steven gave you,” Clarissa said.

“Nonsense. I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not fine,” Martin contradicted. “You have a fever. Take the blanket!”

Clarissa rushed outside and retreated with the army blanket. She delicately draped it around me, evoking a sense of vulnerability like a small, dependent child. I resisted the emotions with all my strength, clutching the blanket tightly around me as I followed Martin out to the bus stop.

The journey home lasted half an hour. I stared blankly at the back of the seat in front of me, attempting to tune out the pain that intensified with each bump of the bus. I cherished every moment of tranquility and calm.

Tears threatened to well up inside me. Part of me yearned to retreat into solitude, yet I also longed for Martin's presence, knowing his mere proximity offered solace and support during that moment of vulnerability.

A true friend …

When our stop came, I fought my way out into the cold and shuffled home alongside Martin. Although I still had the blanket wrapped tightly around me, I was shivering. It felt like I had slept in a tub of ice water all night. My fingers twitched with the desire to smoke, but all my cigarettes were soaked.

“I was really hoping you got it under control this year,” Martin said, catching me off guard.

His words surprised me so much that I jumped and almost slipped on the wet floor. But before my pain and despair could take over, I abruptly pushed him away and glared at him. “Stop it! Everything is all right.”

“All right! Everything is all right. That’s all I hear from you. Don't you care what happened last night? Are you even aware of what happened to you?”

I rushed into the house and gathered all my energy as I climbed the stairs to the fifth floor. It felt like I had concrete blocks on my feet. Martin was close behind me. He caught up with me on the third floor and blocked my way. “Who was it?”

“Does it matter?” I asked, squeezing past him. Every fiber of my being screamed with desperation, yet I couldn’t succumb to it. I needed to reach my room, and collapsing on the stairs was not an option. Despite my inner turmoil, I pushed forward, taking two steps at a time.

“That bastard got you …”

Before he could continue, I spun around. “I wanted it, okay? I … I needed it!”

Martin stared at me with wide eyes. “Lu, you were bleeding!”

I turned away from him and kept walking.

“So, was it worth it?” he called after me. “Do you feel better now? You’ve got strangulation marks on your neck! A cut on your cheek! He … no … you let him … rape you! Jesus Christ! Lu! You have to report him!”

I found it difficult to breathe and I was sure it wasn’t because of all the stairs. Something was closing in my throat and a piercing shrill rang in my head. When I finally reached the top floor, I pushed open the door and staggered into the apartment.