Chapter 17
17
WALKER
I was researching the logistics of adding hot tubs to the cabins when Addison stopped by to see me. It was a nice reprieve from work, and I had missed her. But it only took one call from the school to remind me where my priorities should be—with my daughter.
She came first, and she needed me. The counselor said she came into her office upset but wouldn't share the reason. She'd talked to her teachers, and no one could figure out what precipitated it.
I hadn't heard that anyone was bullying her or making fun of her. I suspected this was grief rearing its ugly head. Addison had told me it could pop up at various times with no rhyme or reason.
I was racing toward the high school, my heart in my throat because I hated that Dakota was feeling anything other than happiness. This is what being a father was, constant worry and stress. Was I doing the right thing? Did she need something I wasn't giving her? The questions rolled through my head unanswered as I parked in the visitor spot and ate up the distance between the lot and the front door .
I rang the doorbell, said I was there to pick up my daughter, and they buzzed me through to the office. When I introduced myself to the front desk person, she showed me the counselor's office where Dakota was slumped in a chair clutching a tissue.
When she saw me standing in the doorway, she cried harder.
I moved in front of her, dropping to my knees. "Are you okay?"
"Can you take me home?"
"Of course." I stood and turned toward the counselor. "Do we need to do anything? Sign out?"
"I can do that for you."
"Thank you." Dakota stood, and I placed an arm around her shoulders, guiding her toward the door and outside into the bright sunlight.
I helped her into the truck, then turned on the engine and headed for home. I remembered something I read about not asking a lot of questions but letting her talk when she was ready.
"Nothing happened."
I glanced over at her. "Okay."
She looked out the window. "I'm just feeling sad."
"You miss your mom?"
She nodded miserably. "I had this overwhelming sense that I wouldn't see her after school. That I'd never see her again."
My stomach dropped. She hadn't dealt with her mother's death because she was too busy moving across the country and settling into a new school. Maybe it would have been better if we'd stayed in Virginia where everything was familiar.
Reminding her that everyone said this was possible wouldn't do anything to alleviate her pain. My therapist said just to be there for her or give her space as she needed.
We parked at the cabin and went inside.
Dakota headed up the stairs to her room .
"Do you need anything?" Do you need me? I wanted to be there for her.
"I'm okay."
"If you want to talk, I'm here," I said as she nodded, then continued up the stairs and out of sight.
I paced the living room, wondering if I should have insisted on following her to her room and talking to her. I was supposed to let her take the lead and be there if she needed me. It felt neglectful to let her suffer alone.
I sent an email to her therapist and mine. Hers got back to me right away, gently reminding me of everything I already knew.
I ran a hand through my hair, noticing my laptop and notes were on the dining room table. Addison couldn't have brought them. She didn't have a key.
There was a note on top from Oliver. Thought you might need these.
I shot off a text to him, thanking him.
Oliver: Is Dakota okay?
Walker: She's upset about her mother.
Oliver: Let us know if we can do anything. We're all worried about her.
This is what I loved about the Wilde family. They came together in times of need.
Walker: We're supposed to give her space. But I'll let you know.
Oliver: Don't worry about work. Just be there for Dakota.
Walker: Thank s
This is why I moved here: for my cousin's support and a job that was understanding about things like this. I thought it would be good for her to be here, but if she thought being in Virginia would aid her grief, then I'd do whatever I needed to help her.
I dropped onto the couch and ran a hand through my hair. My phone buzzed again.
Addison: Is Dakota okay?
Walker: I'm sure she will be. She's sad about her mother.
Addison: She'll be okay.
The messages were nice, but right now, I was all alone. It took everything inside me to stay downstairs and not force my way into Dakota's room to make her talk to me.
I flexed my hands, then decided to work out. I'd bought some weights for home, and that would help rid me of this nervous energy. I changed into shorts and a T-shirt, then knocked on Dakota's door. "I'm going to the basement to work out. Text me if you need me."
"Okay."
It didn't sound like she was upset, so I hesitated for a few seconds and then continued down the stairs. I hated the door separating us. I couldn't help but think it would be easier if she were younger. I could be there for her in a different way. Giving her space sucked.
In the basement, I warmed up, then grabbed my weights, going through a full-body routine. I'd already gone for a run this morning, but I wanted to fatigue my muscles. I needed something to occupy my mind and my body.
When I was done, I wiped the sweat off my body, seeing Addison's message for the first time.
Addison: Are you okay?
I called her since I was in the basement and Dakota couldn't hear our conversation.
"Hey," Addison said softly, and I wished she were here with me now. If I had someone to talk to, it would help. But unfortunately, it was just me and Dakota, and she wasn't talking. "How are you?"
I appreciated that she asked about me. "I don't like this."
"It's hard to be there for kids and not demand that they talk to us, huh?" Addison said.
"I feel like I'm doing something wrong."
"If she wants to talk, she'll come to you."
"What if she needs more from me, but she doesn't ask for it?" My mind was going to scary places, like suicide. Didn't I need to be insisting she keep her door open and let me know what she was thinking?
"She's going through the usual stages of grief. She will be sad more often than not at times. It doesn't mean that she feels hopeless. Keep reminding her that it will get better. That this is normal."
That eased my panic. I was worried I was missing the signs of something more concerning. "Okay."
"I bet you've already reached out to her therapist and yours."
"I did."
"She wasn't overly concerned, was she?"
I shook my head, even though she couldn't see me. "She said this was normal. Same thing you've said."
"It's hard to stand by and do nothing, but you are doing something. If she wants to talk to you, she knows she can. Now, go make her a good dinner. Maybe she'll say something then to ease your mind."
"Thanks, Addison."
"You're welcome. "
"I wish you could be here." It was too soon to be saying things like that. But I needed her. She'd always eased the ache inside me, and I was impatient to take us to the next level.
"I think it's important for you to be her go-to right now. You're her father."
"Yeah, you're right."
We got off the phone, and I took a quick shower before telling Dakota I was going to cook dinner.
I was surprised when she asked if she could help. "Come down when you're ready."
I figured she might want to wash her face or clean up. I'd give her that time while I prepped dinner. My nerves kicked up when I heard her door open and the sound of her feet on the wooden stairs.
Her eyes were red rimmed. "What are you making?"
"Chicken and rice."
"Can you wrap it like those burritos like you did that one time? I was hoping you could show me how you did that."
"You want cilantro in your rice?" I'd noticed she was more adventurous than I figured she'd be for her age.
"Sure."
We got to work. She cooked the rice, and I cut the chicken, seasoned it, and put it in the oven. Afterward, we wrapped the rice and chicken in a burrito then heated it in a pan on the stove. I sliced tomatoes and avocados on the side.
The entire time, she was quiet, so I put on some background music. It was hard to be patient, but I was trying.
When we sat down to eat, she asked for Sprite, and for once, I said yes. I kept it for special occasions but didn't like her drinking soda all the time. It seemed to be a rule that was similar to her mother's, so easy to follow.
"I'm sorry I left school early today."
"If you were upset, then you should come home so you can process your emotions." I wasn't sure how she would have gone to the rest of her classes in the state she was in.
"I'm so embarrassed."
I frowned. "Did someone at school give you a hard time?"
"No one knew I was upset. I went to the counselor's office as soon as I felt it come on."
"Good. I think that's what they want you to do."
"Shouldn't I be able to handle this by now? It's been months."
"This is going to hit you on and off, probably forever. It might lessen with time, but you were so busy moving and settling into a new school, it's possible you pushed off those feelings. So it's normal to be experiencing them now."
Her shoulders slumped.
"You will feel better over time, and it's okay to feel whatever you do. There is no right or wrong."
"I don't want to feel bad all the time."
I was in uncharted territory, but I went with my instincts. "No one said you have to stew in these feelings. It's okay to process them, then do something that makes you feel good."
She was quiet for a few seconds, eating her burrito. She chewed, swallowed, and drank her soda. "Can we spend time with your cousins? Maybe go skiing."
"They're your cousins too. I'm sure they'd be up for it." I sent a group text beginning with 911 so they knew attendance was encouraged. Immediately, I got responses from Xander and then Eli and Oliver. "They're in. Let's finish up, and get our snow gear."
"Nice," Addison said.
We cleaned up dinner and then changed into warmer clothes before driving to the lodge. Xander was already there when we arrived.
Dakota hopped out and walked up to Xander who held out her skis and boots for her .
"You ready for a green slope today? Or do you need the master to show you some moves."
"I can teach her," I said defensively as I approached.
Xander rolled his eyes. "Everyone knows I'm the best instructor."
"The girls at school say you're a good instructor."
Xander gave me a knowing look, as if to say See? I told you so.
I shook my head because he was ridiculous. Even though he had Tori to ground him, he still liked to give us shit about everything.
Xander helped her get her stuff on, so I went inside and grabbed mine from the family storage unit. When I went back outside, Xander approached me, carrying Dakota’s boots. Oliver and Eli had arrived and were standing with Dakota. "Everyone's here."
"Good."
"Everything okay with Dakota? Your message said 911."
I kept an eye on Dakota who was in a huddle with the guys. "She's upset about her mother and wanted a distraction. She asked to hang out with the family."
Xander nodded. "Happy to help. We can take her mind off of it."
"Thanks." Relief washed through me. I felt better knowing I was doing something to help her, and I loved knowing that my cousins were there for us.
"That's what family is for. She's been through a lot."
"She has."
"Let me throw these inside, and I'll get my stuff," Xander said.
We headed for the lift and took it to the easiest slope. Xander insisted on riding with Dakota. I liked knowing that she could hang out with any one of my cousins and they'd be there for her too.
"She doing okay?" Eli asked me .
"She will be."
"We're happy to be there for you guys. Whatever you need."
"You know, I was second-guessing my decision to move here with Dakota. I was wondering if it might be better to be in Virginia where everything is familiar for her."
"What does Dakota want?"
"I haven't asked. I'm a little afraid she's going to say Virginia when I want to stay here. I like my job. I want to be around family, especially after being away for so long."
"You can make a decision that's in everyone's best interest. This is where your life is. She has a large family that cares for her. It's not a bad decision. It's not wrong. But I don't know what she would say about that. She's old enough to have an opinion."
We descended and glided off the lift toward everyone else.
Dakota looked over the edge. "Are you sure I'm ready for this?"
"You're a Wilde. You were born ready for this," Xander said as he pushed off showing her how it's done. "Go back and forth like this. Keep low. Bend your knees."
Oliver and Eli went next, and then Xander came back to where she stood. "You can do this. You control how fast you go when you do it like this. The lower you get, the more control you have. You ready to try it?"
Dakota nodded.
I stayed out of it because Xander was better with people, and I was a mess right now. Xander had a lighter energy which would be good for her in this moment.
Dakota pushed off, going slow, her face etched in concentration.
Xander glided next to her, throwing out words of encouragement and direction.
This was exactly what we needed, to get out of the house and be with people who loved us. I waited until they were about halfway down. Then I slowly followed them, keeping one eye on Dakota's progress. When she got to the bottom, Oliver and Eli high-fived her. Dakota turned and grinned at me. "Did you see me?"
"You did great." I let out the breath I'd been holding. She was so brave. So beautiful. But she was too old to appreciate me saying those things in front of the guys. Or at least, I assumed so. I was still navigating what a thirteen-year-old was okay with.
"You want to go again?" Xander asked.
Dakota nodded, and we headed back up the mountain. After a few greens, Xander talked her into a blue. I wasn't worried about her safety. She was doing great, and Xander wouldn't suggest it if he didn't think she could do it.
When she went down on her own with confidence, tears stung the back of my eyes. I'd missed a lot of things, but I'd gotten to be here for this. Parenting was such a rollercoaster. One minute I was stressed out of my mind, and the next I couldn't be prouder of her.
We got hot chocolate and hung around one of the bonfires for a few minutes. Dakota had school the next morning, so I didn't want to be up too late, but it was important for her to bond with her family.
I was a part of the family, and it took Dakota coming into my life to make me see that.