Chapter 20
Elizabeth had no idea how long she slept. Nor was she certain what woke her. In that hazy period when her brain was gathering all the information it needed to become fully engaged, she took stock of her surroundings. The candle in the sconce lighting where Mrs. Hammond slept burnt out. The other barely flickered, providing little light. After an evening of dancing, being packed into the corridor during the most frightening part of the storm, and being rumpled from sleeping on the floor, none of them would look their best. Patting her hair to make sure it was mostly still in place, Elizabeth ran her tongue over her teeth, desperately wishing for tooth powder and a brush.
“Are you awake?” Jane whispered over the sound of the men’s (and some of the women’s) snoring.
“I am.”
As soon as Jane sat up, the warmth at Elizabeth’s side where her sister had been resting cooled. Pulling the blanket tightly around her, she covered Lydia, who was still draped against her right side.
“I have been thinking,” Jane began, only to pause. “Lizzy, I…I am afraid that I have been wrong in my opinions.”
“Whatever do you mean?”
“I am afraid that our mother’s influence has been too far-reaching. To her, any man would do for a husband. I see it in Kitty and Lydia’s attitude that anyone cloaked in a uniform is an adequate potential husband. Lydia told me what Mr. Darcy said about her deserving a better outcome. I cannot help but think he is correct.”
Her heart quivered at the mention of his name.
“Dearest Jane, you deserve the best of men.” Elizabeth’s love for her cherished sister was genuine for Jane was one of the most selfless people of her acquaintances. The beauty of her face and form paled against her sterling qualities.
“Do I? Lizzy, do not think I am asking for compliments for I am not. My purpose is far deeper than soothing my vanity. You see, earlier, when we were in the corridor, I stood next to Colonel Fitzwilliam. For the short time we were at the far door, he fretted. That was until Mr. Darcy summoned him to stand alongside him to aid in our protection. Even in the darkness, I could feel his relief at having something to do. Lizzy, I knew then that, like Mr. Darcy, he was willing to put himself in danger to keep us, who are almost strangers to him, alive. That, to me, is a real man. Therefore, I have been measuring each man in this cellar alongside Mr. Darcy and the colonel.”
“What have you concluded?” Elizabeth held her breath, fearful that her favorite sister was turning her affections to the one man who had already stolen her heart.
“My first subject was Mr. Bingley, a kind man with a happy disposition. Lizzy, I am afraid that he did not measure up. You see, he allows his sisters to manipulate him. When Miss Bingley overreaches, only Mr. Darcy puts her in her place. And where was Mr. Bingley during the worst of the storm? As host, it was his responsibility to see to the safety of his guests. Yet, he abdicated that task to Mr. Darcy and his cousin. Instead of seeing to our needs, he did not even wake from his drunken stupor to welcome us to the cellar. I fear that were I to marry him and have a family, should a disaster befall us, his first inclination would be to hide behind my skirts for his own protection.”
What? Jane no longer wanted Mr. Bingley?
Jane added, “As well, should it not have been one of the Bingleys who provided care for Lydia? Now, I am not saying that Lydia was not responsible, for she was. However, where was their offer of aid? Had not Mr. Darcy and his valet stepped forward, our sister would still be mired in misery, suffering the ridicule of Mr. Bingley’s sisters. Instead, the skin of her face is freshly washed, and her hair is adorable. Do we have any of the Bingleys to thank? Not at all. For the first time in her young life, Lydia was treated with kindness and respect by a man. Mr. Darcy and his valet are to be praised, not Mr. Bingley.”
“I do not know what to say.” It was unlike Jane to indulge in critical thinking. That was her purview.
“When I next put Mr. Collins up against Mr. Darcy, he failed spectacularly in every way. I fear that whoever he eventually marries, which I do hope will be none of my sisters, he will despise his wife in favor of his patroness. His future wife will spend the majority of her time cleaning up all the tangles he creates, apologizing profusely for the constant offenses he gives from acting without thought. Then, I put our own father up against the two men.”
“And?” Elizabeth’s heart almost skipped a beat. She was torn between a lifetime of adoration and the truths revealed about her father in the last week.
“Lizzy dear, I know you love Papa and that you are his favorite, but I wonder if you truly see him for the man he is. Or, might you love the man you think he should be?”
Pressing her head against the wall, Elizabeth pondered her words. Musing aloud, she said, “Only recently have I comprehended that my insight has been wearing blinders. My first impressions and my long-held impressions have been in error. Surely, everyone noticed my blindness. Where I judged myself as being intelligent and witty, I found the truth to be that I am a young lady with little exposure and understanding of the real world. Papa is not without weakness of character, something I failed to recognize because of the excellence of his caustic sarcasm. I confused his biting tongue with discerning wisdom, the fool that I am.”
“Lizzy, do not berate yourself.”
“I must. For I have recently been the victim of his unguarded tongue when he spoke against me in anger at our mother. His words finally revealed to me what resided in his heart. The truth is that he respects me no more than he does every other female in our household. I am just as ignorant and silly, in his opinion, as Mary, Kitty, and Lydia. After a lifetime of judging my own worth by his affection, I am left with no foundation under my feet.”
Jane leaned into her side, offering unspoken support and affection.
“Jane, tell me what you concluded about Papa, I pray you.”
“I overheard Uncle Gardiner tell our aunt that sarcasm is nothing more than irony used to mock and convey contempt, that in ancient Greek or Latin or some other language, it means to tear strips of flesh from someone’s back like a whip used for punishment. He is correct because Papa’s words sting most grievously. I am saddened that you have finally felt the burn, Lizzy. Imagine how Kitty, Lydia, and Mary feel? It is no wonder that our youngest sisters yearn to marry quickly, being willing to attach themselves to anyone who pays even the slightest attention or offers any small kindness to them. Additionally, while we often wish our mother was less enthusiastic about her pushing us toward others, I now understand why she does it, for she is the recipient of the brunt of father’s sarcasm. Mr. Darcy may have spoken poorly when he insulted you at the assembly, but he has not done so since, at least not to my knowledge. Papa’s barrage is constant, and I see no end in sight. Poor mama! In truth, I am weary of being treated as someone of little value to him. I, too, want to be gone from Longbourn. However, I will not marry Mr. Bingley should he offer for he has in his household a sister who is as much a viper as the one we live with. I do not want to trade one snake for another with an equally poisonous bite.”
“Jane!” To say Elizabeth was stunned would be an understatement. “I do not know what to say. Never have I heard you speak like this.”
“Lizzy, in the darkness of the corridor, in the midst of the storm, my eyes were finally opened, and I saw clearly what would happen if Miss Bingley were my sister. My nature, that of hating confrontation, would mean that she would walk over the top of me like she does her brother. I simply could not imagine living without peace in my own home.”
“Well done, Jane!” Elizabeth clasped her arm and pulled her close.
“She is correct in everything she says, Lizzy,” Lydia whispered from her other side. “I wanted to marry an officer because they are active and busy. They protect us from attack and participate in parties and dances. Papa does none of those things. Mr. Wickham laughed at Papa, saying he was lazy and indolent. I wasn”t even mad when he said it because it’s true. I do see now that not all officers are worthy because Captain Carter, Mr. Chamberlayne, and Mr. Denny remained in the cellar, leaving the females vulnerable to the wind. Even Colonel Forster sought his own comfort ahead of his wife. No, I will do as Mr. Darcy said. I will not marry just any officer. Instead, I will look for a man with qualities like Mr. Darcy, someone who I can respect even though I wish he was more joyous and liked to dance.”
Elizabeth considered the wisdom emanating from her sisters. They were correct in everything they said.
Lydia continued. “Besides which, as Mama says, the wife of Mr. Darcy will be a great lady with fashionable friends, clothing to fit a queen, matching horses and carriages, diamonds, emeralds, and sapphires in abundance. He is a handsome man who would draw the envy of all if I walked into a theater or a ball on his arm.”
Elizabeth snapped her head around to face her sister. “You are in love with Mr. Darcy?” She heard the challenge in her voice, desperately wishing she had softened her tone.
“Ha!” Lydia snorted. “I am only teasing. He is far too serious for me, and even though he is almost as handsome as Mr. Wickham, he lacks the easy manners that suit me.” She hesitated before saying, “Say, I did not think about it until now, but have you noticed how similar Mr. Wickham and Mr. Darcy are in their countenance? Not in coloring because one is fair and the other dark, but they have the same muscular form, the same mannerisms. Even their brows are arched the same. If all the men in Meryton were lined up and we were tasked with choosing which two are cousins, I would guess Mr. Wickham and Mr. Darcy instead of Mr. Darcy and the colonel. What do you think?”
Jane admitted, “I fear that I have not studied the features of Mr. Wickham carefully enough to make an accurate guess. What I can say for a certainty is that Mr. Darcy and Colonel Fitzwilliam have qualities that are amazingly similar. As to appearances, what I can recall about Mr. Wickham is that I would consider him more similar in appearance to Colonel Fitzwilliam than Mr. Darcy. Again, I am not the best judge.”
“What about you, Lizzy?” Lydia asked. “What do you think? Would you pick Mr. Darcy and Colonel Fitzwilliam out of a crowd as cousins?”
Elizabeth chuckled softly. “I wonder at you asking me since I am the only one of us sisters with the dark hair and eyes of our father. If we girls were scattered amidst a crowd of females, I doubt anyone would select me along with you. They would likely choose Maria Lucas since she is as fair in coloring as the rest of you.”
Lydia commented, “I always wanted your hair, Lizzy, for it makes you stand out as different, which appeals to my character. I think it is why I did not mourn the loss of my hair since I am now the only lady in Meryton with short curls that frame my face, Mr. Darcy’s valet said so.”
Wrapping her arm around her youngest sister, Elizabeth pulled her close. “You are a treasure, Lydia Bennet. Will you not be setting your cap at Mr. Darcy, then?”
“Heavens, no!” Lydia snuggled in beside her. “Mr. Darcy only has eyes for you, Lizzy. He stares at you every time we are in the same room, watching you like an eagle with a fat mouse in its sight.”
Elizabeth stammered, “You do not know what you are talking about, Lydie.”
“I have noticed the same,” said Jane.
She swallowed, her mouth suddenly parched. One part of her rejoiced that they noticed his attention. She wanted him to notice her. Yet, her more rational side fretted that absolutely nothing would come of it. Glancing toward the stairs, which was the last place she knew him to be, she said to her sisters, “I am merely the thorn in his side that he is desperate to rid himself of. What you have noticed is nothing more than that.”
She desperately hoped her words were false. The simple truth was that their first kiss was an accident, but the second was not. His arms had pulled her deeper into his embrace, and his mouth moved expertly over hers. Was it because she was available, his only port in a storm? What had Mr. Darcy meant by kissing her that second time? Until she knew, she could not imagine having peace.