84. Chapter Forty-four
Chapter Forty-four
Dear Brynn,
This probably isn’t the best way to start a letter, but I stole something from you. I’ll get to what it was in a moment, but I’ve got some things to say first.
Firstly, I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through. For showing up without warning you first, then disappearing in much the same way. I’m sorry for not picking up my phone each time you’ve reached out since I left. Please know… that had nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me.
I needed time to process what had happened. What I nearly did.
I almost killed her, Brynn. And I would have done, too, if you hadn’t been there to save her. I couldn’t face you and Leo after that, so I took the coward’s way out. While you were in the hospital with my daughter, I was packing my shit and running away. I wouldn’t have blamed you for never wanting to speak to me again, yet the first thing you did when you got home from the hospital was text me to tell me that Salem’s okay.
Truthfully, you are the person I wish I could be.
I’m not expecting you to forgive me, and I’m not asking you to. I just wanted you to know that there will never come a day when I don’t hate myself for what I have done.
Second of all, thank you.
Thank you for your kindness over the last few weeks. You showed me far more than I deserved after the choices I made and the things I did. It couldn't have been easy for you to find out who I really was, especially given your relationship with Leo, but you handled it all with far more grace than I would have ever been capable of.
Thank you, also, for being so patient with me. For standing in my corner when you easily could have turned your back on me, for encouraging my relationship with Salem, and for supporting me through it all. I know it didn’t work out the way we wanted, but I will never forget what you did for me.
Finally, but most importantly, thank you for all you’ve done for Salem. Thank you for keeping her safe and for loving her so fiercely. I see it in every interaction you have with her, in every smile that overtakes your face when she looks at you, in the sound of your voice when you speak to her, in your intuition, your gentle reassurances, and your unwavering protection of her. She deserves a woman to love her like that. And though I wish it could be me, I’m glad it’s you.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I love my daughter. I do. Just not in the way I should.
I tried to feel it. God, Brynn, I tried so hard. If there was a pill I could take to make it happen, I would do so in a heartbeat. And I will never understand why it feels so impossible for me when it comes so naturally to you, but I can’t help thinking…maybe I was never meant to be her mother.
Maybe you were.
Maybe my role was simply to bring her to you.
Maybe the reason she never felt like mine is because she was always supposed to be yours.
I’m probably just romanticizing what I’ve done because it makes it a little easier to sleep at night. But there’s a kind of kismet to our situation, don’t you think? I don’t know, but I think there’s something in that.
All I’ve wanted from the beginning was to do what’s best for Salem. I know it may not seem that way because I’ve gotten so much wrong. No amount of sorrys will ever make up for it, but I think I know what the right thing to do is now. I think I knew from the moment I first saw you with her, even if it has taken me until now to realize it.
And I know that all my attempts to do the right thing have only ever ended up making everything worse, but I’m going to try one last time, okay?
The best thing I can do as her mother is to pass that title on to you.
Which brings me to the thing I stole from you.
The day I left, when I was getting the fruit for Salem, I saw a photograph on the fridge of the three of you. Leo was holding her on his hip between you, you’re kissing her on the cheek, and Salem is grinning so wide that I can almost hear her laughing through the picture.
I didn’t know what I was doing when I took it, but I’m glad I did now.
Because in the dark moments, when the self-loathing is suffocating and regret threatens to overwhelm me, I can look at the photo and know, with every fiber of my being, that I finally did the right thing.
My eternal gratitude and regret,
Issy