Chapter 14
14
I’m not sure how much a girl can expect to get out of a date with a man who is only in it for a free holiday… and yet here I am. I suppose, usually on dates, everyone is desperate for something. At least we’re being ‘cards on the table’ honest about our motives, and maybe that’s a good start? Who knows? Like I said, I’m here.
And so is Joseph, which is the first good sign. The second is that he looks exactly like his photos. He’s cute, with messy blonde hair, and he’s as tall as his pictures made him look which is rarer than you might think. It always baffles me, when men actively trick you into thinking they’re much taller than they are, because the rationale is clearly something along the lines of: if they can just get you through the door, they can sell you anything.
The only thing I am not expecting is his outfit. Specifically his Spider-Man shirt. I mean, it’s fun, I guess, in a geeky way. It’s very loud and bright, like something an eight-year-old might wear to go to a restaurant with their parents. Child formal – and yet adult-sized.
‘Lana, hello,’ he says excitedly, offering me a hand to shake.
Interesting choice. Not many men start a date with a handshake.
All I can do is go with it so I reach out my hand, only for him to quickly whip his away, put his thumb to his nose, and wiggle his fingers.
‘Ayy, I got you,’ he says with a laugh.
‘Erm, yeah, you did,’ I say with a polite laugh, wondering if I’m in some sort of Big situation, because seriously?
This is going to be a long night.
We find a table for two and take a seat. I can’t help but notice that Joseph seems to be looking around for something.
‘Is everything okay?’ I ask.
‘Yeah – you’re going to like this,’ he says, leaning in slightly. ‘I told them it’s your birthday.’
‘You did?’ I reply.
‘Yeah, but not just that,’ he continues. ‘I told them you were eighty.’
‘You…?’
‘They’re bringing you a cake,’ he tells me, pleased with himself.
I don’t even know what to say right now.
‘Well, who doesn’t love cake?’ I eventually reply.
‘You’re welcome,’ he replies with a wink. ‘And I ordered us a couple of cocktails. They’re on their way.’
Joseph seems like… I don’t know. Like there’s a lot going on, but it all just feels off. I can’t put my finger on it.
Sure enough, a waiter arrives and places two cocktails down in front of us.
‘Oh, wow,’ I blurt as I stare at the two glasses, one filled with a bright blue liquid and one that is green. There is something fancy going on with the glasses – I think they must have an LED in the bottom, that makes the drinks glow.
‘What flavour are they?’ I ask Joseph.
‘Blue and green,’ he tells me vaguely. ‘Enjoy.’
It is the blue one that has been placed down in front of me so I take a sip. Oh, boy, that is sweet and sour and it tastes of absolutely nothing specific, as though the flavour truly is just blue.
Joseph pulls a face at his green drink.
‘Actually, no, this isn’t what I want,’ he says. ‘Can we swap?’
‘Can we swap drinks?’ I reply, like I may have misheard him.
He nods, holding out his hand.
‘Erm… sure,’ I say, because I don’t really know what else to say.
I slide my drink his way and he pushes his back to me.
He takes a sip and pulls a face.
‘I know – why don’t we see if the table next to us wants to swap drinks,’ he suggests, his eyes wide.
‘Wait, what?’ I reply.
I’m not sure I can go with the flow for much longer because, seriously, something is up.
‘Actually, why don’t we order every drink on the menu,’ he continues. ‘We could keep sending them back. I saw this prank video, on YouTube…’
Joseph throws his arms out wildly and accidentally hits a woman walking past us.
‘Oh, my goodness, miss, I’m terribly sorry,’ he tells her. ‘My sincerest apologies.’
‘That’s okay,’ she tells him.
‘Anyway, as I was saying, there’s this guy on YouTube, who does pranks…’
As he continues, something occurs to me. Oh my God – he’s faking it. Joseph isn’t a bad boy at all. He’s doing this for the free holiday!
Oh, suddenly it all makes sense. The odd behaviour, the ugly shirt – telling people it’s my eightieth birthday.
I narrow my eyes at him.
‘Is this all an act?’ I ask him.
‘What do you mean?’ he says, clearly feigning innocence.
‘Are you faking?’ I reply. ‘Are you pretending to be undateable?’
‘No,’ he insists. ‘Of course not!’
‘Oh, you are such a terrible liar,’ I reply – it’s hard not to find this amusing.
Joseph exhales heavily.
‘Okay, yeah, fine, I am… exaggerating, shall we say, just a little – but there’s a free holiday on the line,’ he reminds me – as though I could forget.
‘I appreciate the effort,’ I reply. ‘I’m guessing you went out and bought that ugly shirt for the occasion?’
As Joseph winces, I realise I’ve just put my foot in it.
‘No… no, I already owned this,’ he admits.
Oops.
‘Here’s the thing,’ he begins, leaning in. ‘Look what a great job I’m doing, of faking it. You don’t want to take someone who is actually a nightmare, you want someone who is willing to act like it. And I can do it, I really can. I’m prepared to go full-on crazy, just say the word.’
I can’t help but smile. Joseph is clearly a good guy but his version of pretending to be crazy is just actually kind of crazy. It’s too much.
‘I don’t think this is going to work,’ I tell him. ‘Sorry. It’s my fault, it was my own silly idea. I appreciate you trying.’
‘Give me one last chance?’ he suggests.
‘Sorry,’ I say again, shaking my head.
Joseph sighs.
‘I’m going to the bathroom,’ he tells me, pulling himself to his feet.
Alone for a moment, I laugh to myself as I sip my drink. Why on earth did I think this would work? Whether Joseph is actually crazy or just acting that way, he’s in it for himself, for the free holiday, and if I stick myself on a dating site like Matcher and tell everyone there is a free holiday up for grabs, well, that’s a sure-fire way to isolate the worst of an already generally pretty bad bunch. Now that I think about it, I’m lucky that Joseph was putting it on, because things could have got seriously out of hand otherwise.
The loud, high-pitched scream of the fire alarm snaps me from my thoughts. I instinctively place my hands over my ears and glance around – yes, because ignoring it is exactly what you’re supposed to do.
The music cuts out and staff spring to action, trying to calmly usher everyone towards their closest exit, until we’re safely outside in the chilly night air.
As we stand in the street, I hug myself to keep warm. Everyone looks as confused as I feel – no one seems to know what’s going on, and I have no idea if Joseph has made it out okay.
It’s amazing how reassuringly quickly the fire brigade arrives on the scene, and they spring to action in an instant. I notice one flustered-looking member of staff pointing inside, showing them where to go, before they run in. I’ll always be in awe of people who run towards danger instead of away from it. Okay, sure, I’m a bit like that myself, but not actual danger – it’s more like I run into stupidity.
‘Oh my gosh, Joseph,’ I blurt as he finds me in the crowd. ‘Are you okay? Did you see a fire or anything?’
‘No,’ he replies, tucking his hands into his pockets to keep them warm. ‘Just the chaos.’
I watch as more firefighters run into the building.
‘I wonder what’s going on,’ I think out loud.
I turn to Joseph who is glancing around, looking left to right, making sure no one can hear us.
‘I did it,’ he blurts, his expression wildly darting between guilt and pride.
‘What?’ I whisper back, my jaw on the floor.
‘I pulled the fire alarm,’ he tells me. ‘I told you I could be crazy.’
There’s crazy and then there is just plain stupid.
‘Are you serious?’ I reply.
‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘I just wanted to show you that I can be what you need me to be. I’m not all talk – I’m willing to do what it takes, to cause trouble.’
If there is one thing I am certain of, it’s that I do not want to take someone to the wedding who is going to ruin it. Joseph is really taking things too far.
Before I can say anything, a member of staff approaches us.
‘Hi, I’m just making sure that everyone is okay, and seeing if anyone has left any belongings inside,’ she checks. ‘Obviously, no one is going back in tonight.’
I shake my head.
‘No, nothing,’ Joseph tells her, his cheeks flushing.
‘That’s great,’ the staff member replies. ‘We apologise for the inconvenience, but we want to reassure you that no one got hurt – everyone involved is okay.’
‘What do you mean?’ I can’t help but ask.
‘The fire,’ she says, looking at me like I’m stupid. ‘One of our new employees was being careless, trying to light a birthday cake with eighty candles, and he started a fire. Luckily someone pulled the fire alarm right away and we were able to get it under control, or it could have been a lot worse.’
Joseph just stares at her blankly. I manage to wait until she’s gone before I allow myself a smile.
Poor Joseph. Even when he’s trying to be a bad boy, he still winds up doing good. Either way, I definitely shouldn’t take him to the wedding with me. I’m just going to have to think of something – anything – else.