Chapter 19
19
There are two things I am grateful for, on my date with BigMikey69 right now. One is that this place is dimly lit and the other is that we are sitting at a table, because if ‘the thing’ was in my eyeline, I don’t think I would be able to concentrate.
It has to be a cucumber – it has to be. There’s just no way that thing is real, and it’s low-key disturbing that he thinks it’s going to help him pick up women. He really does accentuate it, in tight trousers, and he almost brandishes it as he moves around.
‘Okay, Lana,’ Mike says with a grin. ‘You know the drill. Tell me about yourself.’
‘Well, I work for a company that builds lifestyle apps,’ I begin.
‘Lifestyle apps?’ he repeats my words back to me.
Oh, God, don’t ask me which.
‘Yeah, just little things, to make day-to-day life easier for people,’ I explain.
‘Yeah, people are idiots,’ he replies. ‘If you can convince them they need apps, to function, why not milk it?’
I nod, not sure how to respond to that. I see what the person who added him to Redflags meant, when she said he was kind of rude.
‘What about you? What do you do?’ I ask.
‘I’m in property development,’ he says, leaning forward slightly. ‘I’ve got a monster development right now.’
I can see that.
‘Basically, I buy semi-detached houses in shit areas, do them up, knock them through into one – you wouldn’t believe the crap people are willing to pay for, if it gives them more space.’
‘Sounds… enterprising,’ I reply.
‘Yeah, if you ever need a big semi, you know who to call,’ he tells me.
Oh my God, is he joking?
‘Enough about work, what do you do for fun?’ he asks. ‘Please don’t say yoga or some other basic chick thing.’
Yikes.
‘I like going out,’ I tell him. ‘Watching movies, going out for meals, bars – basic person stuff.’
‘Okay but there’s going out for meals and there’s going out for meals,’ he replies. ‘A McDonald’s isn’t a meal.’
I mean, it’s definitely a meal I eat at least once a week…
‘There’s nothing wrong with fast food,’ I reply. ‘Some items on the menu are healthier than what you’d order in a fancy restaurant.’
Honestly, my family fucking love any food with another food inside it, and I’m not just talking like truffle-stuffed chicken, I mean they’ll eat like a rabbit, in a duck, in a turkey, in a calf. Ergh, it’s putting me off the chicken nuggets I’m going to get on the way home.
‘Healthier is just another word for bland,’ he says with a shrug. ‘But hey, if that’s your thing. Just don’t ask me to eat any of it.’
‘Noted,’ I reply. ‘So, what about you? Any hobbies?’
‘I like sports,’ he says, stretching his arms out like he’s showing off. Ha, and he accused me of having basic ‘female’ hobbies. ‘Football, rugby, whatever. I’m a man of simple pleasures. I usually prefer pubs to bars like this though.’
‘Yeah, these places can get a bit crowded, and loud,’ I reply. ‘They’re less laid-back.’
‘Full of posers,’ he corrects me. ‘It’s like, come on, you’re not impressing anyone by trying to flaunt what you’ve got.’
My thoughts exactly.
The waiter arrives with our drinks. As Mike takes his whisky he nods at the waiter. ‘Thanks, man. Hopefully this one isn’t as watered down as the last one.’
Yeah, he’s definitely rude. So rude my family might actually quite like him.
Mike suddenly stretches his back, standing up from his chair. He places his hands on his hips and pushes his crotch in my direction, making the bulge in his trousers even more noticeable.
‘I’m just a bit stiff,’ he tells me.
I purse my lips, trying desperately not to laugh – or look.
‘So I, erm, I’m going to Australia next week,’ I tell him.
‘Oh yeah?’ he replies. ‘I’ve never been, not sure it’s my thing.’
Funny, because he looks like he’s got the didgeridoo for it.
‘It’s my first time going there,’ I reply. ‘My sister is getting married. The wedding is going to be huge, and fancy, and I stupidly lied about having a plus-one to take with me, to save face, and now I don’t have one, so it’s going to be so embarrassing…’
Mike raises his eyebrows.
‘So, you need someone to go with you?’ he says. ‘Someone impressive.’
‘Yeah, but I have no idea where I’ll find someone last minute,’ I reply. ‘I know it’s a free holiday, free booze, free food – but it probably sounds too good to be true.’
He leans back in his chair, the cogs in his brain clearly turning.
‘You’re telling me all the drinks will be free?’ he checks.
‘Yep, all night long,’ I say with a heavy sigh.
Mike’s eyes light up, like he thinks he’s just won the lottery.
‘I could come with you,’ he tells me.
‘You could?’ I reply, like the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind.
‘What’s the deal though?’ he says. ‘Do I get to share a bed with you?’
I almost choke on my drink.
‘It’s more of a friends thing,’ I say plainly – I don’t think there would be room in a bed for the three of us anyway.
He nods, seeming to consider this.
‘Yeah, if I’m being honest, I’d rather have the free holiday than a night with you – no offence.’
I can’t help but laugh.
‘None taken,’ I assure him.
Now I’m more convinced than ever that he’s packing a cucumber, because for all the work he’s doing to shove it in my face, he isn’t all that keen to actually show me it. Not that I mind, I hasten to add.
Mike reaches under the table and visibly adjusts himself. It’s almost like he’s daring me to comment on it.
‘Well, I may be willing to help you out,’ he says with a smile. ‘I just need to pop outside and make a quick call first.’
‘Okay,’ I say, watching as he takes his phone from his pocket and walks away.
Hmm. Is Mike really the right guy to take with me? I mean, I don’t actually want a date-date – I just need someone to send a message. They can have their own hotel room, do their own thing, but show up for the wedding events, show their face… or their cucumber, in Mike’s case.
This isn’t a stupid idea, is it? I know I’m upset, acting on pure emotion rather than logic, but Faye and Molly think I should go for it, and Fergus thought I should be going even harder… although I’m not sure this was quite what he meant by that.
‘Lana,’ Mike’s voice interrupts my thoughts.
I look up at him and smile.
‘Yeah?’
‘Sorry,’ he says with a big sigh. ‘I can’t come. My wife says no.’
His wife?
I blink, trying to process what he’s just said.
‘That’s okay,’ I manage to reply, and it really, really is. He’s married? And on Matcher? I’m shocked right now, although not surprised generally – there are always plenty of married men on Matcher.
As Mike sits back down, looking almost apologetic, I decide it’s definitely time to end this weird date. If only there was an app for that…
It’s silly, but it’s true, that despite the fact he just told me he was married, being a woman it still feels so scary, to knock someone back. You never know how a person will react, no matter how justified you are.
I would rather be embarrassed than unsafe.
‘Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I need to go,’ I tell him.
‘What, really?’ he replies. ‘Is it because I’m married, because we?—’
‘Oh, no, nothing like that,’ I insist. ‘Just… period stuff. Like, it’s come on thick and fast. I mean, I’m relieved, because I’d been checking my calendar in a bit of a panic, if you know what I mean but, yeah, I need to go sort it.’
He looks genuinely violated at the mention of that word.
‘Yeah, right, you should go,’ he tells me.
I stand up, grabbing my coat and bag – more than happy to be leaving.
As I walk out of the restaurant, I can’t help but laugh to myself. This guy was more of a walking red flag than I expected – literally. Which reminds me, on the bus home, I should probably go on Redflags, and update the thread about Mike. Because being married is a way bigger deal than smuggling salad in his pants.