Chapter 30
30
I think, if this were any other wedding, then an all-expenses trip to a beautiful country would be a dream come true. But this isn’t any other wedding, it’s Seph’s wedding, and so all of the forced fun beforehand feels like it will be anything but fun.
Today we’re going for a walk in the Blue Mountains National Park.
Here’s another example of how the rich and the not rich differ – to me, walking is first and foremost free transport. To them, this is exclusively a social activity. There’s a big difference between strolling around the most beautiful places in the world while on holiday and hurrying down Briggate on a Saturday morning – stepping over takeaway litter and dodging puke from the night before – because you’re running late.
Still, I’m focusing on the bright side. It’s somewhere I’ve never been, that I would love to visit. And the great news is that because we’re all travelling there together on the same luxury coach, and because Chester and Beau are sitting with their new bestie – EPJ – that means I get to sit with Tiggy, away from everyone else, to talk etiquette.
‘You want what?’ she blurts. ‘You want me to teach you how to shag an earl?’
‘No,’ I say quickly, laughing. ‘I could take it from there – what I want is for you to teach me how to woo one.’
‘Why would you want some aged, overpriced filet mignon when you have the world’s best burger?’ she asks.
I really can’t tell if that’s complimentary or offensive or both.
‘Ethan is not what you think, okay, we’re not together,’ I tell her.
‘Oh, right, so he’s free for the taking?’ she replies.
I hesitate for a second.
‘He’s my ex, sort of, and I told him he could come for a free holiday – that’s it. And, well, that he could pretend to be my plus-one. But that’s really it.’
‘You’re not over him then,’ she points out.
‘What? No, I absolutely am,’ I insist. ‘What the two of us had was just a weird sex thing, but it was too much. We just cause trouble, whenever we get together, so we agreed to just be friends.’
‘Cuz, all I’m hearing is that you brought your ex – who sounds frankly like the shag of a lifetime – to a family wedding. You are not over him. But, sure, I’ll help you shag the earl. What are cousins for? And I suppose they say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else – and there aren’t that many titles above earl.’
She might not think I’m over him but there’s nothing to get over. We were never anything but sex.
‘Tell me what an earl’s girl is like,’ I say, moving the conversation along.
‘Not you, I’m afraid to say, lovely,’ she says frankly. ‘Nor I, so you’re in good company.’
‘Ah,’ I reply.
‘The interesting thing is that while our lot just have money because we do, being an earl is a whole thing,’ she explains. ‘Beau is – I forget – the right honourable sixteenth… or maybe seventeenth… earl of Wrancaster. Beau to his friends, Lord Cunningham to everyone else.’
‘So, you call him Lord Cunningham, not Earl Cunningham?’ I check.
‘Darling, I’ve never called him anything other than Beau or other unrelated four-letter words,’ she jokes. ‘But yes, he’s a lord. He owns an estate – and the most beautiful twenty-bedroom manor house. It makes Uncle Walt’s place look like a shack. He runs the estate which, really, is a real job. He owns thousands and thousands of acres, with residential properties and farms paying him rent, so he makes plenty of money; however, he isn’t fulfilling his obligations, as an earl, and that’s a no-no.’
‘How do you mean?’ I ask.
‘Well, these sorts of titles are hereditary, so the title and the estate go to the eldest male heir. Beau has no children, no partner, no prospects,’ she continues.
It’s a crying shame when you can be an actual earl, the owner of a huge estate that makes lots of money, and still be considered someone with ‘no prospects’.
‘He has no brothers, no uncles,’ she continues. ‘You’re supposed to have an heir and a spare, so the pressure on him to get married is humongous.’
‘But he must be inundated with offers?’ I reply.
‘Well, yes, but honestly, the pressure to choose the right kind of girl – he needs a lady, but someone he can live with, someone he can start a family with, who isn’t a gold digger. And of course, image is important. He has this PR person trying to make him relevant, but Beau says he would sooner remove the sword from the wall of the drawing room and impale himself before he’ll dance on TikTok.’
I laugh – a man after my own heart.
‘If he likes you, he likes you,’ Tiggy says sincerely. ‘You’ll soon be able to tell. But I’d curtsy, just in case.’
‘Oi, Lana.’ I hear Ethan’s voice from the back of the bus.
I turn to face him as he throws me something and my reflexes kick in just in time to catch it. It’s a pack of Tim Tam biscuits.
‘Aw, he brought snacks for the bus,’ Tiggy teases. ‘Adorable. What’s he going to do when you ride off into the sunset with Beau?’
‘He reckons he’s going to try and stop me,’ I say with a smile.
‘I think you want him to stop you,’ she tells me. ‘I think this is all to make him jealous.’
‘Tiggy, Beau is a handsome earl – a regular Prince Charming,’ I remind her. ‘Ethan is a Buttons kind of guy. Have you never read a fairy tale?’
‘Have you never seen Shrek ?’ she claps back.
‘We’re here,’ Bea sings. ‘Time to disembark.’
‘Incidentally, I am familiar with Cinderella , and your ugly stepmother is very much as expected,’ Tiggy whispers.
‘I think it’s the sisters who are ugly,’ I tell her. ‘I think the stepmother is just wicked.’
‘Well, you got both rolled into one,’ she replies. ‘Ugly on the inside and definitely wicked. I miss Aunt Liz.’
‘I’ll give her your love, the next time we speak,’ I reply.
It must be at least ten years since Mum last saw Tiggy but they always got on really well.
‘I can’t believe this lot have talked me into a walk,’ Tiggy says with a sigh. ‘I’ve had to borrow flat shoes from whatever Chester’s mum’s name is. My feet are like a Barbie’s, they don’t know what to do.’
‘I don’t love walking either,’ I tell her. ‘We’ll stick together.’
‘We will – after you chat with Beau, of course,’ she replies, egging me on. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll take care of Ethan, and I know just to look, not to touch.’
We all filter off the bus, grabbing the fancy matching water flasks Seph gave us all for the trip, and stand in the car park awaiting further instructions.
Car park is a grand name for it, I suppose, because really it’s just a sandy patch off the road from the town, where vehicles pull in to drop off walkers.
‘Darling, you know your dad isn’t getting any younger,’ Bea tells Seph, although I suspect from the tone of her voice she is equally if not more worried about herself.
‘Mummy, you have nothing to worry about,’ Seph assures her. ‘I chose the easiest walk – no dangerous cliff-edge walking or difficult hills – simply a stroll through the forest where we can take lots of lovely photos and go at a relaxed pace until we reach the waterfall.’
Easy, not dangerous, stroll, lovely, relaxed – words that are all music to my ears, and going to see a waterfall sounds great. I just need to make the most of it.
‘Okay, everyone, let’s get into pairs, so we each have a walking companion to look out for us,’ Seph suggests. ‘Chester and I will stick together, of course. Mummy and Daddy. Mummy and Daddy-in-law to be.’
Eleanor hasn’t come with us (no, I’m not disappointed) because she’s allergic to some kind of tree sap? Apparently she hasn’t interacted with a tree since the nineties and, because this is her, I kind of believe her. I also think it’s plausible that she didn’t fancy a hike.
‘Oh, may I walk with Ethan?’ Tiggy pleads. ‘I’d love to get to know him better – and Beau less.’
‘Hilarious, Tigs,’ Beau replies. ‘But I am happy to accompany Lana.’
‘Yeah, er, yes,’ I say, correcting myself. ‘Yes.’
I need to try not to sound so keen but I am, and I’m grateful to Tiggy for giving me the opportunity.
‘Yeah, that’s fine by me,’ Ethan adds with a smile, although I suspect he knows what is going on.
‘Right then, shall we?’ Bea suggests.
We all set off along the sandy path that leads into the forest, two at a time. It’s a gloriously hot and sunny day – and I think I saw on Instagram that there is snow back at home, so I feel incredibly smug to be here. I’m in Australia, with an actual earl, walking through the mountains in the sunshine, when really I should be back in snowy Leeds, in the office, running around after Jennifer and doing my best to avoid Steve.
Ah, Steve. I’ve just reminded myself that I am homeless, which is just stunning. I wonder, even if it’s just a one-off birthday gift, if Dad might give me some money to get a place of my own. Not to buy one, obviously. Just to help me out with a deposit and maybe my first month of rent. Honestly, just when I feel like I’m getting back on my feet, and like I might have the money to get a place of my own, something comes up – like an expensive wedding gift and to buy a very specific dress to attend said wedding.
I don’t know – we’ll see. I’ll have to work up the courage to even ask but who knows? Maybe if he sees me on my best behaviour (even if it is only to impress Beau) he might be more likely to say yes.
Beau and I are the last ones to join the line but I’m happy to walk at the back because not only does it mean that I can keep an eye on Ethan, it also means he can’t keep an eye on me.
‘Lana,’ Beau says with a welcoming smile.
Everything Tiggy told me surges to the front of my brain at once.
‘Lord Cunningham,’ I say, curtsying slightly. Whenever I see people doing it on TV, curtsies and bows always seem – small? Not much of a movement, just a subtle acknowledgement. God, I hope all of that was right.
Beau laughs.
‘Hilarious,’ he says. ‘You’re very funny, Lana. I love the sarcastic little curtsy – did Tig put you up to that?’
To the curtsy? She did. Oh my God, I feel like she set me up with that one.
‘Surely we know each other well enough to drop the lord,’ he adds with a smile. ‘Don’t make fun of me, I know I’m awfully old-fashioned and stuffy.’
Okay, he thinks I’m being cute. He thinks I’m teasing him for being an earl and he seems into it. Amazingly my faux pas has worked in my favour.
‘Sorry, m’lord,’ I say, actually teasing him now that I know he enjoys it. ‘I don’t think you’re stuffy at all, it’s a cool job.’
He smiles.
‘Most people don’t think it’s a job,’ he says. ‘They think I’m some sort of playboy when, really, they don’t stop to consider that I live alone in an enormous house, that has tens of thousands of visitors a year – generously, a third of it is still private, but the rest of it is usually teeming with tourists.’
‘That must be so strange,’ I reply. ‘Opening your house to strangers.’
‘Thankfully you don’t get many hooligans driving out to visit stately homes,’ he replies. ‘I don’t really notice – sometimes I’ll look out of the window and see people and for a moment it’s like I can’t remember why they’re there.’
I laugh.
‘It must be strange, living in such a big house, all on your own,’ I say – and, yes, I am still doing my best to talk without a hint of an accent.
‘It’s strange,’ he replies. ‘I’ve always lived there, so it’s just home, but I would be lying if I said it never felt a little spooky. The long, dark corridors can feel especially terrifying of an eve. Of course, it’s never truly lonely there. With various staff, cleaners and the nightwatchman about the place seven days a week.’
‘I thought Daddy’s house was big,’ I reply – internally cringing at my use of Daddy, again. ‘But you must need a map to get around.’
‘I found a new room – a few years back, but even so, it was very bizarre,’ he replies. ‘It’s a strange place to live alone but I know that I have to do my turn, looking after the manor. It’s not real hardship, it’s a beautiful place… I just need someone to share it with me.’
I honestly cannot tell if everything he just said sounds amazing or awful. He makes it seem like a mixture of both, which probably makes me like him a little bit more.
‘It is of course the best place to host parties – I’m very popular in the summer,’ he says with a smile. ‘I hire a chef, a DJ – and I have enough bedrooms for everyone to stay over. I believe I was second choice for Chet and Seph’s wedding.’
‘I mean, Chester’s parents’ house is very lovely,’ I reply. ‘You don’t see many stately homes on the beach.’
‘Anything old enough would have most likely washed away by now,’ he says. ‘A word of advice – though I’m sure you know. Don’t mention global warming to that lot – flat-earthers, the bunch of them. If their holidays get a little warmer and the ski slopes a little cooler then they welcome it.’
‘An earl with a conscience,’ I say, impressed.
‘Needless to say, I’m very good about turning lights off when I leave a room at home.’
I laugh.
He’s a funny earl too. It’s hard to believe he’s single, so I suspect it’s by choice but, I don’t know, I do get kind of a lonely vibe from him.
As we walk and talk, hanging back a few paces from the others, it’s just nice. The conversation is easy, about everything and nothing, although I would be lying if I said I wasn’t keeping an occasional eye on Ethan and Tiggy.
‘Here we are,’ Seph – who is leading the crowd – announces.
Oh, wow, we’ve finally reached the waterfall and it’s beautiful. The kind of crystal-clear, sparkling water that looks so inviting – the intrusive thoughts are telling me I would feel so nice and cool if I were to jump straight in.
‘A truly wonderful place for a picnic, darling,’ Bea says, patting her on the head. ‘An excellent find.’
‘Thank you,’ Seph says, super pleased with herself.
‘Well, all this walking has made me positively famished,’ Chester says. ‘Let’s get the grub out.’
Everyone exchanges glances, all eyes darting around to see who has the food.
‘Wait, who brought the lunch?’ Seph asks.
‘What do you mean?’ Dad replies.
‘Daddy, the lunch we packed for everyone – it was on the bus,’ she replies. ‘Where is it?’
‘Who was supposed to bring it?’ Ethan asks.
‘What do you mean?’ Seph replies, cocking her head.
‘Whose job was it, to carry the lunch?’ I add. ‘How was it supposed to get here?’
Seph just stares at me.
Oh my God. Seriously, do this lot even know how to function without someone wiping their arse for them?
‘Who did you ask to carry it, darling?’ Bea checks.
‘No one, Mummy,’ she admits. ‘I… I just assumed…’
‘No food?’ Chester’s dad says. ‘Because my blood sugar…’
‘I’m sorry,’ Seph says, emotion building in her voice.
‘It’s okay, darling, it’s just that everyone is so terribly hungry, from the walk,’ Bea tells her. ‘It was a lovely thought, and we can eat it when we get back to the bus.’
‘We have been walking for over an hour,’ Dad says, in hushed tones, of course we can all hear it.
‘It’s okay, I think I have a solution,’ Ethan says with a smile as he plonks his backpack down on the floor.
He unzips it and opens it widely to reveal that it is absolutely stuffed full of Tim Tam biscuits.
‘Why do you have a bag full of biscuits?’ Seph asks him, her face scrunched up in confusion and – I think – mild disgust.
‘I lived here, when I was a kid, and I was obsessed with these,’ Ethan says, ignoring her tone. ‘I haven’t had one in years so, when we stopped at that shop on the way, I bought pretty much every pack they had.’
‘That’s so silly,’ Bea points out, siding with her daughter.
‘Maybe it is,’ he says. A smile slowly creeps across his lips. ‘But no one else has any food so it doesn’t seem so silly now, does it?’
‘Tim Tams for everyone,’ Chester declares. ‘Nice work, EPJ, you’ve saved the day.’
‘None for me,’ Seph says, holding up her hands. ‘I won’t fit into my dress, if I start eating biscuits.’
‘Biscuits will only make mine look better,’ I tell Ethan as I take a pack. ‘Thank you.’
‘Anytime,’ he tells me with a smile.
Everyone takes a pack – I even notice Seph nibbling one of Chester’s biscuits when she thinks no one is looking – and takes a moment to rest before the walk back.
‘I just knew, when I bought them, that I wouldn’t regret it,’ Ethan says, now that it’s just the two of us.
‘Yeah, I mean, if I had seen you buying so many I definitely would have asked you what you were doing,’ I reply.
‘It was the food on the boat,’ he says. ‘Everything was so tiny. I ate all the things I liked, the bits I didn’t like, and I was still hungry so I didn’t think it would hurt to keep a pile of biscuits in the room – I’m going to have to replenish the reserves now.’
I laugh.
‘I’ll buy you more biscuits, I feel like I owe you,’ I say. ‘You’ve saved the day.’
‘It’s just biscuits,’ he replies. ‘But, yeah, I’m definitely a hero.’
I playfully shove him away, only for him to grab me and pull me close to a squeeze. I can’t help but burst into laughter.
‘Oh, aren’t they adorable,’ Tiggy calls out. ‘Couple of the year.’
Chester clears his throat.
‘After the two of you, obviously,’ Tiggy tells him.
I look over at Beau – I can’t help myself – to see if he looks bothered. He’s smiling, like everyone else, but then I see it. That flicker of tension in his jaw, the brief narrowing of his eyes. Is he jealous or am I deluded?
It’s probably the second one but, come on, a girl can dream.