Chapter 41
41
Ethan seems different tonight.
He was his usual self at dinner, and then when we came up to our room and put the movie on, but around two-thirds of the way through Step Brothers his laughter seemed to die down, and now that it’s finishing he seems positively frozen in time.
‘So, are we going to talk about you proposing?’ I ask with a laugh, now that the movie is over.
He flashes me a little smile.
‘Tell me that wouldn’t have been romantic, if it were real,’ he replies.
‘Oh, no, super romantic,’ I agree. ‘Plus you have the tactical advantage of threatening to undo a girl’s safety harness if she says no.’
He laughs at my joke but then it’s like someone hits the mute button again.
‘So, did you do that to help or hurt?’ I ask curiously. ‘Although I guess your help does always seem to hurt.’
I give him a playful nudge with my elbow, to let him know that I’m kidding.
‘I don’t know,’ he replies.
‘Like, I didn’t know if you were doing it to make Beau jealous, or to keep him away from me,’ I say, making my point even clearer.
‘Yeah, I don’t know,’ he replies. ‘I was trying to be trouble, as ordered, but…’
‘Don’t worry about it,’ I tell him. ‘It was funny. Exactly what I ordered.’
Ethan dangles off the bed, the muscles in his back rippling as he reaches for his backpack. He grabs a packet of Tim Tams, takes one out, and then takes a huge bite – there is more in his mouth than there is left in his hand.
‘Something weird is happening,’ he says with his mouthful. He pauses to swallow. ‘You know me. I love the chaos, I love the games… it’s just I keep getting this feeling, like I don’t want to mess around any more.’
What is he trying to say? Does he want to leave?
‘Okay…’ I say, hoping he’ll say more.
‘I know, I know, we said we would keep away from each other,’ he continues. ‘But it was never really about the holiday, I just wanted to spend time with you. And I know, you think we’re a bin fire – I’ll shut up.’
‘Hey, I don’t think that we’re a bin fire,’ I insist. ‘Just that we cause them.’
He laughs.
‘Maybe you don’t get the heat without the fire,’ he says simply. ‘Maybe sometimes it’s worth risking getting hurt. Anyway, I need to brush my teeth again.’
He hops to his feet and heads for the bathroom.
When Ethan and I first got together it was a sex thing… except it wasn’t just that, was it? I liked him. I really liked him. It was just too much, too powerful, too chaotic, too scary. Too much like something real. Too much like something I would be terrified to lose.
He went home and I didn’t hear from him, but I did tell him not to contact me again. I know I think that we’re getting clear signs from the universe, that we shouldn’t be together, but what if him turning up right when I need him is the sign?
Did Tiggy have it right, when she said I was only going after Beau because I wanted to get over Ethan, or because I wanted to make Ethan jealous? Well, yeah, but it was more than that, right? Beau’s good-looking, he’s a fucking earl, for fuck’s sake.
He’s no Ethan though, is he?
Shit.