Chapter 47
47
Have you ever woken up from a bad dream and felt that relief when you realised that it was actually just a dream, and everything is fine? Yeah, well, I just did that in reverse. One minute I was in bed with Ethan, cuddled up close, our hands on each other’s bodies, one thing leading to another, and then I woke up to realise that it was just a good dream, and the real nightmare is what I’ve woken up to.
I feel the other side of the bed, just to check, but I can already tell that he’s not next to me before I even open my eyes.
Eventually I do give in, to face the day, and slowly open my eyes so that they can adjust to the light. Nope, he isn’t here, and it doesn’t look like he’s been here either.
Well, I guess he listened to what I said, he went away and stayed away… of course, now that he’s done it, I’m really not sure it’s what I actually wanted at all.
I know, I should feel relieved, because the two of us really are nothing but trouble when we’re together, and today is an important day, it needs to go well. This is what I wanted, and what I told him to do – I have no right to feel regret. Not when the only thing I should be feeling is guilt about the bench.
I sit up in bed and rub my tired eyes before climbing out and stretching. How is it always the nights when you feel like you’ve had the least sleep that you have the most vivid dreams? That doesn’t seem fair. Nothing seems fair, but I need to pull myself together, put my big-girl dress on, and get on with things.
I glance at the dress Beau bought me. It really is beautiful. I wonder, if things hadn’t gone so chaotically last night, if I would be looking forward to wearing it. Right now I don’t feel like I deserve it. Everything feels like a mess and every instinct I have is telling me to make a run for it, but I know that I can’t. That would only make things worse – which is why I’m surprised that Ethan did as I asked, and bailed on me, but like I said, he did as I asked. What more did I want?
If there is one thing I don’t have time for right now it’s dwelling, obsessing, and overthinking, so I need to snap out of it and crack on. I’m supposed to be joining the girls, so we can all get ready in one room which, again, sounds like it would have been really nice if everything hadn’t gone to shit last night.
So I grab my things and I take them to Seph’s room. It’s her who greets me, when I arrive. She places a glass of champagne in my hand and a kiss on my cheek.
‘Oh, Lana, I had such a fabulous time last night, thank you,’ she tells me.
‘Ah, it was nothing,’ I say with a smile. ‘You deserved it.’
‘Did everything go okay, with you and Ethan?’ she asks me. ‘Did you tell him?’
‘I decided to wait,’ I lie. ‘Until after the big day. This day should be all about you.’
‘Okay, but you know that I don’t mind sharing elements of it with you, if it means you’ll be happy,’ she replies. ‘We are sisters, after all. It’s been so lovely, spending time with you this week. I don’t know why we don’t do things like this together more often – a belated New Year’s resolution, perhaps?’
‘That sounds good to me,’ I say with a smile.
‘I just love, love, love your dress,’ she replies. ‘I know Mummy was being silly, with all the things she said, but she will agree that you look divine.’
‘Thanks,’ I say simply. I don’t quite feel myself now that I’m here wearing it but, hey, it really is a beautiful dress.
‘Well, come in, everyone is getting glammed up – don’t worry, we have protective gowns, to cover our dresses,’ she explains.
I step into the bedroom and the first thing I see is Tiggy and Eleanor standing on either side of Bea, fussing over her freshly styled hair. Bea is sitting between them, with a face like thunder. She’s clearly not happy with her hair but of course she isn’t, it’s Bea. It looks fine – in fact, it looks like it always looks, but she’s the sort of person who will worry about things not being perfect. On a big day like today, I suspect she will worry about things not being perfect until the day is actually over. Only then will she stop fretting.
The room does feel thick with her nerves – and not just from me. Even though she hasn’t said a word, you can tell that Seph is clearly anxious. Excited, but definitely nervous with it.
‘Oh, and by the way, happy birthday!’ Seph says.
Shit. As stupid as it sounds, I had completely forgotten that it was my birthday. So this is thirty, eh? What a mess.
‘Oh, thank you,’ I reply.
‘I know today is my wedding day, and that we’ve kind of hijacked your birthday, but it’s an honour to share this special day with you,’ she says, warm and genuine, and it truly takes me aback. ‘Don’t worry, okay, because we do have plans for your birthday tomorrow, we will celebrate it, but it’s a surprise, so don’t let on that I said anything.’
I grab her and give her a big hug.
‘I won’t say a word,’ I reply. ‘Thanks.’
‘Well, if you do say anything to anyone, make it a thank you to Ethan, because it was him who reminded us that it was your thirtieth birthday, and insisted that we do something special for you. I hadn’t realised it was an important one – you don’t look or act your age at all.’
Ignoring what is possibly a compliment, maybe an insult – the thing that hurts me is the mention of Ethan’s name. I can’t believe he’s stepped in and got them all to do something to acknowledge my birthday. Actually, I can, because he’s amazing, and he really cares about everyone, and I am the horrible cow who sent him away.
‘You’ve got yourself a good one, with Ethan,’ she tells me. ‘I hope you do say yes to him, and I hope you never let him go. Now, come on, let’s get this party started. Tiggy has had almost a whole bottle – of course, being Tiggy, it has had almost no effect on her whatsoever.’
Wow, I didn’t let him go, I sent him away. And I really, really regret it.
Actually, scratch that, I haven’t let go of him at all. He’s all I can think about. That and what happens when Seph and Chester sit on that bloody bench.
I don’t know what I’m going to do.