Chapter Fifteen
July 3, 1817
No. 12 Balsam Court
Manchester Square
Mayfair, London
“O h, I’m so nervous,” Cecilia admitted to her father as she peered at herself in the cheval glass of her room.
The sound of her father’s indulgent chuckle as he watched her from his spot on the trunk at the foot of her bed worked to calm her nerves a bit. “You have been out in society before, Ceci. I can’t imagine that this ball would discomfit you so.”
“But it does, for this ball is being thrown by the Countess of Lethbridge, and since I already had tea with her which didn’t end well, I can’t imagine what my reception will be.” Despite that fact, excitement zipped up and down her spine. Though her father was a gentleman as well as an ex-naval captain and a merchant, and she had been in society to an extent, she had never been invited to anything thrown by someone so high on the instep such as the earl.
And this felt quite significant.
After they’d coupled last night, she and Lewis had lain together in the darkness and quiet. Every once in a while, they would talk about whatever struck their fancy, and just when she’d finished dressing to return home, he’d waylaid her, implored her with words and kisses to attend the ball with him tonight. Even though he’d said it didn’t matter what his mother thought, he wanted her with him, and that was enough.
And oh, how much she wanted to believe him!
“I suspect the countess will change her mind once she sees how devoted her son is to you,” her father said, with an eyebrow raised in challenge.
“Is he, then? Devoted to me?” It had been far too dark last night to read the emotions in his eyes as they’d explored each other, but if she were honest with herself, she’d felt that change in how he’d touched her, how he’d kissed her, in the tone of his voice.
“Don’t be coy, my girl. I have seen far too many men in love—I’ve even been one when I met your mother—so I know a bit of what I speak.”
“Oh, Papa, every time I think about the earl, I’m rendered so confused.” She turned this way and that as she gazed into the cheval glass. “Is this gown fancy enough?”
When Lewis had first asked her to the ball, she’d gone through her clothing like a madwoman searching for a gown that might pass muster. Eventually, her father had taken pity on her, and they’d gone through the shops in Mayfair. Fortune and fate must have played a part, for at a modiste’s shop, they came upon a gown already finished. The original customer decided at the last moment she didn’t like the looks of the creation, so the modiste sold it to Cecilia’s father at a discounted rate with minimal alterations to fit her form.
“You are a vision, Ceci. Any man would be lucky to have you on his arm.”
“Ha. Thank you. I rather think you might cause a sensation with older ladies and widows, for you are quite dashing in your evening clothes.” She smiled at her reflection, for the gown of steel blue silk brought out the deeper blues in her eyes, and with every movement, the hundreds of tiny crystal beads that lined the low bodice as well as the hem sparkled and twinkled. “I think you are quite biased.” But in this gown, she didn’t seem nearly as plump or short if that was believable.
“Perhaps I am.”
“You should find a lady and marry again. Don’t you think it time, Papa?”
“I am steadily coming ’round to the idea, especially because I’ll wager you’ll soon move into your own life.”
She huffed even as heat seeped into her cheeks. “Do stop. Nothing is certain.” When she’d left the boxing salon—Lewis insisted on summoning his carriage and escorting her home—he’d not spoken of a future, his or theirs combined.
“Hmm, I wonder.” He adjusted the knot of his cravat, for he would attend the ball with her, and for that she was quite grateful. “So now that I’ve set your fears to rest regarding your attire and why you should be there, as well as discussing the possibility of me moving into the next phase of my life, why are you still nervous?”
“This night feels like an audition of sorts, even though I have already been rejected by the earl’s mother, yet I retain doubts that anything will come of my friendship with Lethbridge.”
“Ah.” For long moments, he remained silent. “Are you certain what you share with the earl is simply a friendship?” When she didn’t answer, her father continued. “You have already told me that you are taking boxing lessons at least twice a week. However, there have been other outings with the man.”
She nodded. “I also told you he wished to pay his addresses to me.” None of this had been a secret.
“Yes, this is so, but after those outings, when you came home, you are more happy than I’ve seen you in years. Why is that, I wonder?” There was no judgment in his expression, merely curiosity or perhaps speculation.
“Being with the earl, both during boxing lessons as well as being in a courtship with him, has been… eye opening. It is quite different from my last relationship.” For he well knew what sort of a man Mr. Ulstead had been. “And it has been rather lovely having a man defend me from Mr. Derrickson while at your office.”
He snorted. “I have done that as well, but I suppose that isn’t as thrilling as having a big, strong hero do the same, a man who you can reward with kisses, hmm?”
Heat seeped into her cheeks once more. “There is that part of it, true. I am flattered about his attention, of course, but this ball seems to be the next step.”
“Of course it is, Ceci. He wants you in his life formally.”
“I don’t know about that. There are far too many obstacles between us.”
“None of that matters when love is involved.” For long moments he regarded her. “ Are you in love with Lethbridge? You’ve not known him for very long, but that doesn’t matter either. Sometimes a person just has a feeling about someone else.”
Did she love Lewis? “Oh, I don’t know if that is how it is with me…” Yet after everything she had shared with him, after being ruined by him, after coupling with him, after loving him for everything he was and instead of everything he wasn’t… As she glanced at her father, her eyes widened. “Oh dear, I might have fallen for him despite being wary of men in general.”
“At least you have admitted it to yourself.” His grin was soft, but amusement danced in his eyes. “Why do you feel this way? What makes the Earl of Lethbridge better than any of the men who have shown interest in you over the years? The ones you have ignored or kept yourself aloof from?”
“Lewis is… different. I can’t explain it any better than that.” She pressed her lips together as she attached blue topaz earbobs to her lobes. “He treats me with respect and admiration. He is proud of me during our boxing lessons and doesn’t hesitate to tell me so.” Then she slipped on opera-length ivory gloves. “When he looks at me, I have the feeling that he sees something in me beyond my body, and wants me for much more than the fleeting physical release.” Tears welled in her eyes. “Beyond that, he has never laid a hand on me in anger or violence. That is quite astonishing, at least to me, and it frightens me a bit to know that is how women should be treated…”
“Because you are constantly looking for fault in him and wondering when he’ll show you his true self,” he finished for her in a soft voice.
“Yes, that is it exactly.” Tears again welled in her eyes, and at least one of them escaped to her cheek. “Is it na?ve of me to think he is only trying to win me before doing that? Or can I take a chance and trust that he is fully the gentleman that he claims?”
“No, my girl. You are anything but na?ve, and you have every right to be wary. However, I believe you when you say he is different. You would have known deep down if he wasn’t, and would never have allowed the relationship to progress so far.” He stood, crossed the floor, and then wrapped his arms around her in a hug. “I hope for your sake he feels the same about you, but then, I am not worried about that.”
“Why?” There was a certain comfort in that embrace, just like she remembered from her childhood years.
“Because any man who has heard the stories of your past, who has gone up against your willfulness, who has consented to enter into risk gossip and rumor enough to teach you how to box has interest in you beyond the shallow.” When he pulled away, he grinned down at her. “I shall expect him to pay me a visit rather more sooner than later, for unless I miss my guess, he’s charmed his way into scandal with you?”
Oh, dear heavens.
“Um… yes.” The heat of embarrassment fired in her cheeks. “That is to say, he and I have enjoyed… There were a couple of times when we—”
“Stop, dearest. You needn’t explain further for me.” Though he grinned, concern reflected in his eyes. “If the earl isn’t the honorable man you think he is, and if certain consequences arise due to your… being with him in such a way, I am fully prepared to move our family out of London and to somewhere in the country where you can escape the gossip.”
“I appreciate your support.” Another few tears fell, and she was afraid of her eyes being red rimmed by the time they arrived at the ball. “Only time will tell in that regard, so there is no point in talking about it right now.” When the long-case clock in the corridor on the floor below chimed the nine o’clock hour, she sighed. “If we don’t leave, we will be late.”
“Very well.” He nodded. “But if I have an opportunity to talk with Lord Lethbridge tonight, I will ask his intentions toward you. I will support you in any decision you choose to make, however, if he is merely toying with you—”
“I truly don’t think he is, Papa,” Cecilia said before he could utter his threat. “Unfortunately, everything is complicated, and I intend to enjoy myself tonight. Who knows when the next time I’ll be asked to a ball will be.”