Without Vanity or Pride: A Pride and Prejudice Variation Duology

Chapter 6

“What say you to this morning?” Mr Gardiner asked jovially when the guests had gone. He had enjoyed a fine hour. The promise of fishing Pemberley’s streams, however distant, was enough to ensure his satisfaction. “Save for the carpet, I should call it a success.”

“Lord Saye is certainly eccentric, and the carpet cleaned up perfectly well,” Mrs Gardiner replied.

“These young noblemen will behave as they please,” her husband assured her, “but he was amiable and had the grace to be embarrassed by his pet. I saw nothing to dislike in his manners.”

Both Gardiners then rose, intending to go about their respective day’s occupations, while Jane and Elizabeth remained behind, enjoying the sunshine in their aunt’s drawing room.

“What did you think, Lizzy?” Jane asked softly. It was the first sentence she had uttered since the group had arrived without Mr Bingley.

Elizabeth could only shake her head, her disappointment acute. Mr Darcy had been reticent and aloof, and Mr Bingley had not come. In short, she did not see that either she or her sister had anything to hope for with either gentleman.

“I hardly know what to say,” she finally answered. “Mr Darcy was surely no lover today.”

“I still say his affections and wishes for you are unchanged. This call, introducing you to his sister, makes no sense otherwise.”

“Perhaps he wished only for a friend for Miss Darcy? She mentioned that she has few enough of those,” Elizabeth suggested lightly.

Jane rolled her eyes at that. “What good would having a friend in Hertfordshire do her?”

“You saw how he was. I doubt Mr Darcy said three words to me.”

Jane could not dispute that and so only returned a wry smile. “Maybe you will see him at Pemberley, then? It seems our uncle means to go.”

Elizabeth did long to go to Pemberley. Who would not wish to see the place of which she had heard so much? But did she wish to see him again? It was all such bafflement, to swing so madly from hatred of a man to…whatever it was she felt now. The only thing Elizabeth could say with certainty was that without more time to spend in his company, she would likely never know what might have been.

* * *

Mr Bennet arrived at the expected hour, which was near to dinner time. He was out of sorts at first, as was commonplace when he was required to come to London, but cheered quickly once he saw the new books Mr Gardiner had procured on his behalf.

“A full stomach, a glass of your port, and these,” he said, raising said glass to his host. “You have done me well, sir, and taken excellent care of my girls too.”

All of that said, Elizabeth did not deceive herself. Mr Bennet had sent more than one quizzical glance in her direction during dinner when her laugh had been too late or too forced, or when he expected her interest and got none. She was not nearly so dreary as Jane, but she lacked her customary vivacity and was, therefore, unsurprised when Mr Bennet took her aside after dinner.

“Dear Lizzy,” said Mr Bennet when they were alone, closeted in Mr Gardiner’s book room. “I must admit to some fatherly concern on seeing you. It does not appear that a month in town has done you much good. Or was it the time spent in Mr Collins’s home that has you so altered?”

“A-am I altered?” Elizabeth raised her hand to her hair, tugging at the curl on the nape of her neck. “Perhaps I just look a little pale. It has rained a great deal of late.”

Mr Bennet gave her a considering look. “You do not appear to have been sleeping or eating well. Am I incorrect?”

After a short debate within herself, she decided she would confide in him. Mrs Gardiner and Jane were likely to paint a pretty picture of the matter, but in her father, she knew she could depend upon honesty, even if he spoke a truth she did not wish to hear.

Elizabeth sighed. “I must confess it is neither town nor Mr Collins to blame for my present state. I fear you will be deeply shocked when you hear what is responsible.”

She told him everything then, sparing no detail: what Mr Darcy had said, what she had said, her feelings after that, and then, how it was upon seeing him again both in the park and when he and his relations called in Gracechurch Street.

Upon hearing of the illustrious personages that had been there only hours prior, Mr Bennet gave a little snort of disbelief. “Mr Darcy on Gracechurch Street! Now, there is a sight I should have liked to witness. No doubt he has been cleansing himself of the experience ever since.”

Elizabeth frowned. It was a more bitter rejoinder than she might have anticipated. “In fact he was very amiable—my uncle was exceedingly pleased with him. His family were all very good, too, if somewhat…” She considered for a moment before concluding, “Eccentric.”

Her father removed his spectacles, using his neckcloth to rub the glass a moment before replacing them on his nose. “Hmm. Well, it seems I missed the opportunity to study some very peculiar characters. In any case, I still fail to comprehend why any of this should cause you to lose sleep or put you off your meals.”

“Because I…I fear I made a mistake. Nay, I did make a mistake.”

Mr Bennet’s attention, which had begun to drift towards the reading materials laid out on the side table, snapped back towards her. “Mistake? What do you mean?”

Elizabeth realised that she was jiggling her left foot madly, and it was making her entire body shake. She forced herself to stop. “I…I wonder if my feelings for the gentleman might be somewhat…not…that is, unlike…he was just so altered! And I realised I had misunderstood?—”

“Hear me now, Elizabeth,” Mr Bennet said, and she recoiled from the sternness in his tone. “Do not have your head turned simply because Mr Darcy has arrived on Gracechurch Street in a fine carriage with his fashionable cousins.”

“Mr Darcy was in the very same carriage he had brought to Hertfordshire and to Kent,” she protested, a dull heat rising up her chest at her father’s censuring tone.

“I know how it is, my girl. Lady Catherine was a grand personage, and then you were in Hyde Park, seeing all the highest of the high parading their wealth about. It was natural you should begin to think such a life might be quite agreeable.”

“Pray credit me with more wit than that. You surely do not think it is Mr Darcy’s riches that have altered my opinion of him? Because I can assure you, I knew Mr Darcy was wealthy the very night I met him and?—”

“The night he insulted you?”

“He wounded my vanity, and I have assiduously punished him for that infraction since!” Elizabeth took a deep breath that did nothing to calm her rising agitation. “The mistake I made was in allowing that one event to forever alter my opinion of him. I became prejudiced against a man who is?—”

“Disagreeable on his best days,” Mr Bennet concluded.

“No! No, that is not—he is far different than ever I knew. He is a very good man. And what has kept me awake at night is wondering exactly what my feelings are or might have been for him, what chance at happiness I might have missed but for my own stubborn pride.”

Mr Bennet closed his eyes and leant back his head back for several seconds. When he opened them again, he spoke in a tone that was more peaceable, even if the words he uttered were not.

“We need not argue for the past, child. It cannot signify. He is gone now, and it is highly unlikely you will meet him again.”

“I hope that is not true.” The words came out before she could stop them.

“Maybe next Easter, if you go to the Collinses again?—”

“He has invited Uncle Gardiner to come fish with him at Pemberley when we travel this summer.”

Her father’s face hardened. “I fail to see what your uncle’s fishing plans should have to do with you.”

“No doubt Mrs Gardiner and I shall call on Miss Darcy, who is a delightful girl,” Elizabeth explained. “And if I should meet her brother then I shall be well prepared for…whatever may happen.”

Her father’s jaw dropped, and he stared at her for a moment. “You surely cannot mean that you would give that proud, unpleasant man a second chance? Yes, marriage to a man like that would bring with it elegant carriages and luxurious homes, but do not make me think so little of you to imagine those things would make you accept such a man.”

“Papa, I just said his wealth has positively nothing to do with it! What I mean to say is that were things this summer to occur such that we, having each a better understanding of the other, came to any sort of?—”

Her father held up one hand. “I shall stop you right there. I am not sending you off all summer so that you may have your head turned by Mr Darcy’s estate. See what even this sojourn into Kent has done to your mind!”

“Should I find Pemberley to be a ramshackle peasant cottage, it will not change my opinion in the least,” she said, wishing to raise her voice but determined to speak in an even tone. “I have learnt that Mr Darcy is, in fact, not proud, not disagreeable, and not at all unpleasant. Indeed, he is perfectly amiable and has no improper pride, and should he be so inclined as to offer for me?—”

“Elizabeth, you have absolutely lost your mind,” her father said sternly.

“In fact, I have a better understanding of my mind than ever before. Do you not see how I was to him? Are you not ashamed of me? I was blind, partial, prejudiced and absurd! Taken in by Mr Wickham because he flattered me, while taking a fervent dislike to Mr Darcy simply because he insulted my beauty!”

“It does not signify. You could never be happy with a man like Mr Darcy. You will never be happy unless you truly esteem your husband and can look up to him as your superior. Your lively talents would place you in the greatest danger in an unequal marriage.”

“I cannot say I wholly comprehend the implication in such a statement,” Elizabeth said stiffly, “but I assure you, nothing but esteem would persuade me to marry any man, much less Mr Darcy.”

“Whom we both know you hate.”

Now she did raise her voice for it seemed her father was determined to wilfully mishear her. “No, I do not. Not even a little. In fact, I think Mr Darcy just might be the man who in disposition, talent, and understanding of the world, suits me better than any other ever could.”

“This is absolute nonsense. I am ashamed of you, Lizzy. You are being unnecessarily obstinate.” Mr Bennet shook a finger at her while he spoke. “While I still draw breath, you will not marry Mr Darcy or even entertain further discourse with him.”

To this, Elizabeth only dropped her eyes and shrugged, maintaining an indifferent posture throughout the pause which ensued. She looked up again when her father resumed speaking.

“You must promise me that you will never, ever consider another proposal from Mr Darcy,” said Mr Bennet, danger making his eyes dark, “or you will not be permitted to go with the Gardiners this summer. Or, for that matter, visit them in town.”

Her emotions threatened to overflow into tears, and that she could not abide. She was not sad; she was enraged. Yet, what could be done?

If I do not make this promise to Papa, he will keep me home, in which case, he gets his way, for I shall likely never see Mr Darcy again. And if I do give my word, then…well, then I might meet him again but if he was predisposed to renew his offer…

She could not think of that. If Mr Darcy proposed again, she would consider it. Nay, she would…consent to it?

“I cannot, in good conscience, make a promise to you that I know, even now, is a lie.”

“Elizabeth, think of what you say!”

“I am thinking of what I say,” she replied evenly, rising from her chair. “I will go to my aunt now and tell her that regretfully, I am unable to accompany them to the Lakes this summer.”

“Tell them to take Jane,” Mr Bennet said, his usual satire sounding cruel. “No doubt they would prefer to take the sensible daughter.”