– Sammy –
Going Home
Almost three months later
Baby Lily sleeps in the infant carseat on the floor, sucking on a purple pacifier almost bigger than her face while I rock her with my foot and we wait for discharge papers.
Lily is eighty-seven days old. Almost three months since she was born, and she’s being discharged early. She’s finally the size of a small newborn, sitting at a healthy seven pounds, two ounces. Her skin has changed in the last months; from almost see through to ghostly white, then jaundice yellow, to rose pink, finally settling on a soft olive tan.
Lily suffered weeks of withdrawals in the NICU, but with the help of some of the kindest special care nurses I’ve ever met in my life, she was helped through scary seizures and convulsions, she was drop fed formula until she was big and strong enough to suckle at a bottle on her own, and when she was, I was the first to give it to her.
In her first month, she suffered through severe irritability and was unable to settle and sleep for long periods of time. Her high-pitched crying rung in my ears and hurt me in more ways than one. She suffered sleep apnea, and I cried as they plucked my sweet baby from my arms and resuscitated her more times than I care to count.
She was born a micro preemie, and though she slowly but steadily gained weight, as soon as her feeding tubes were removed and she was forced to do the work herself, she lost weight again. One and a half to two pounds. Two to three. Three back down to two and a half. Lily has fought several wars already, but she’s a survivor, and with her on my chest more often than not, we continued to snuggle together, we fell in love, and we formed a bond that I’ll never allow to break.
I have a hell of a legal mess to clean up in the next year or so, but I’m not walking away now.
Ed has been down weekly to talk with me, and though he’s mad I called out of work on extended leave, he cares enough to help as best he can.
Shari and Lily’s case was immediately yanked from my caseload due to a conflict of interest, but Ed pulled strings and now he’s at the helm.
I’ve spoken with Shari’s lawyer a few times, and though Shari is no longer here, and therefore no longer paying the bills, her lawyer has agreed to stay on the case. She said she’s interested in the outcome and is willing to finish it out.
That’s… refreshing.
Not a single lawyer I know would donate their time for free, and though I’m willing to pay for her services, she’s not my lawyer, and seeing as I’m the intended adoptive parent, I can’t buy her services.
So we’re all at an impasse while we wait for the court hearing.
“She still needs to be woken every three hours for feeding.” Calicia, our special care nurse for the last few months sets papers out on the desk between us. Using a red pen, she points to a list of things I need to know before we can go home. “She’s too small for now to risk letting her sleep through. Every three hours. Your pediatrician will let you know when you can stop that. Her laryngomalacia is still an issue, but we’ve done all we can for now, so we’ll just keep watching. Again, your pediatrician will help you. She’s already come such a long way.”
“I can hardly hear the squeaking anymore.”
Calicia smiles proudly. She’s bonded with Lily right alongside me. “She’s much better. Over time, that noise will go away completely and you’ll forget it ever happened.”
“I don’t know about that.”
“This has been the longest few months of your life, I’ve no doubt. But one day, you’ll look back on it and think of it as the fastest few days you’ve ever experienced.” She points back to the paper between us. “Iron. She’s still anemic, so continue with the five mil a day. You’ll be doing that for a long while yet, so get used to it.”
“Alright.”
“Ironically, all your problems now stem from her being premature, not her exposure to drugs. So that’s a silver lining. Maybe stop at the baby store on the way home and buy some of those sensor pads for her crib. SIDS is still a concern, so they’ll alert you if she stops breathing. She’s technically just about three months old, but medically, she’ll have a corrected age. Some kids will walk at ten months, others not until fifteen or sixteen months or even later. But every single milestone we expect babies to hit, you need to allow for an additional three months adjusted for Lily.
“Dr. Hopps will be expecting you in his office in three days for a follow up on her airways. He’ll go over all this again, and you can ask any questions you might have thought of.”
“How often will we need to go to the pediatrician?”
“It’s up to him, but I think a couple times this week and next, then maybe once a week, then once a month and so on. You’ll be getting to know your pediatrician well over the next year, anyhow.” She stops for a long moment, placing her clasped hands on top of the paperwork, and flicks her pen absentmindedly. “I don’t know the legalities of what’s going to happen for you guys. I don’t even know the whole story, only what’s discussed in the lunch room here at the hospital. But I sincerely hope sweet Lily gets to stay with you, and if she can’t, then I hope she finds an equally amazing home. She’s already been through so much, and her life has barely just begun. She deserves a break, and I think you’re it.”
I don’t know what’s going to happen either, but on top of doctors visits, Lily and I will be visiting some lawyers in the next little while. Juliette Jones has helped as much as she can, but seeing as she’s not my lawyer, I need to get that sorted. “Thank you, Calicia. I’ll be around.”
“Send me a Christmas card, won’t you? Put her sweet cheeks on the front.”
I smile as I consider Lily with a giant red bow and Christmas baubles strewn around her. “I will. I promise.”
***
A week after being granted temporary custody pending court ruling, and taking Lily home from the hospital, my phone rings loudly, startling both Lily and me out of an exhausted sleep. My head snaps around and my hand comes up to wipe drool from my chin. My eyes are crusty and sore from lack of sleep, and my voice is hoarse from my pitiful attempts to sing for her all night long. She slept well on our first night home. I was smug that I had this gig under control. Mom’ing isn’t hard. Single mom’ing is even easier. It’s just like a girl’s sleepover where we hang out and drink milk a lot of the time.
But on day two, it all went to shit.
She refuses to sleep. I sneak around my house, tiptoeing in a foggy haze in an attempt to not wake her. I barely breathe while she sleeps, for fear of making too much noise and waking her.
I made toast on day two and woke her up, then I flushed the toilet a few hours later and woke her again. It took me hours to get her down both times, so since then, I don’t eat while she sleeps and I don’t flush when it’s just pee. I’m so tired, I literally just sit in a non-creaky chair, wearing non-noisy pants and non-squeaky shoes, and I watch her chest rise and fall rhythmically.
Last night we both cried from exhaustion, and in a desperate attempt to sleep, I broke several rules that the hospital laid out for me. No co-sleeping. No sleeping while sitting in a chair. No sleeping with big fluffy blankets.
Last night, we ended up in my recliner chair, with the foot rest pulled up and the back pushed back a little. We co-slept while sitting up, and I had a large fluffy blanket pulled over us because we were cold. Lily slept properly for the first time in a week, and she did it with her face on my chest and my terrible singing in her ears. Sweat pooled between our skin, but we were both so happy, I wouldn’t change a thing.
She snorts in shock when the phone rings, and her still black eyes flutter open as she looks around the room. “Shhh…” I pat her bottom in a panic, because I can’t handle even another minute of crying right now, and I snatch up my phone. I swipe and answer it with one hand, and pat, pat, pat, quickly with the other. “Yeah, hello?”
“Ms. Ricardo? Hello, this is Juliette Jones here, how are you?”
I clear my throat and sit up just an inch. I peer around the room in search of a clock. Eight-thirty-nine a.m. “Ms. Jones. Hey, I’m alright, thanks. What’s up?”
“Um.” She clears her throat, as though surprised by my short answer, then she starts shuffling papers. “I’m looking over your file right now, and though I know you’re not my client, baby Lily kind of still is.”
“Okay…”
“So, I was the lawyer who drew up the original adoption papers. The thing is… you’re married.”
Dammit, here it comes. “Yeah…”
“Your husband needs to submit his paperwork too. We need a signature. We need background checks. We need everything, and so far, we have nothing.”
My heart thuds against my chest, and thankfully, Lily lays her head down again and smacks her thick lips. “Ms. Jones… I don’t know how this works… but, can we talk sort of off the record? Is that a thing?”
“Did you break any laws? Put that baby in danger?”
I scoff and shake my head. “No, and no.”
“Then go ahead. I’m all ears.”
“I need advice from a lawyer…”
“I can’t tell you what to do--”
“But maybe just woman to woman, you could tell me what you’d do? I won’t hold you to it, and I won’t tell anyone that because Juliette Jones said it, it must be true.”
The sound of shuffling paperwork stops, and she lets out a deep sigh. “Okay, go ahead. I reserve the right to not answer if I don’t like your question.”
“Deal… What if my husband and I are estranged? What if I want to adopt this baby as a single woman? Will the courts throw me out and laugh as I walk away?”
“Of course not. You don’t have to have a husband to adopt, Samantha, but--”
“Sammy.”
“Hmm?”
“Call me Sammy. I prefer it.”
Juliette laughs softly. “Okay, Sammy. You don’t have to be married to adopt, but you are married. The state won’t let you keep her with that loose end, because your husband legally becomes her adopted father. Get a divorce, or reunite, but tie it up.”
“But that could take a long time. Too long.” Not to mention, I’d have to see him again.
“I don’t have any other advice for you. I’m sorry. This isn’t a small detail, Sammy. Snip that loose end, and do it before you go to court. Don’t let them find out and try to trip you up. Be proactive, fix it, then get permanent custody of that baby.”
“When do we go to court? Do you know?”
“I don’t know exactly, but I’m thinking it’ll be a couple months from now. We’ll get dates soon.”
“So you’re going too? Are you defending Lily? Will you try to take her away from me?”
Juliette sighs. “I’m here to make sure she goes to a good home. Prove to me your home is the best for her. I know where Shari wanted her baby to go. I have the report from the incident in the hospital. I have a signed affidavit from a witness who heard Shari’s wishes. Prove to me you’re Lily’s best hope. Tie up your loose ends.”
I fuss with the fluffy blanket spread over us, not unlike the way Shari used to pick at her blankets. I look down at the crown of Lily’s still mostly bald head, and nuzzle closer to the tiny fuzz she has growing there. “Alright…”
“Do you need a divorce lawyer, Sammy?”
I laugh nervously, and butterflies attack me violently from within. “Divorce will take a while, right?”
“It could. Depends on how amicable it is. Depends on assets. Depends on a lot of things. But even the most amicable divorce will take a few months.”
“Shit… Okay.”
“I have several good lawyer contacts. I can help you, Sammy. Is there a chance of reconciliation? Was he abusive? Why’d you split?”
“No, he wasn’t abusive. He was a perfect husband. But it’s been a very long time, so there’s no chance of reconciliation either.”
“What’s his name and date of birth? Let’s get started there. I can help you square it away, and I’ll push it as fast as I can.”
I clear my throat as unexpected tears swim in my eyes. I’m not sure why my throat constricts at the thought of saying his name out loud, or at the thought of getting a divorce, but for some reason, it does. I haven’t seen him in thirteen years, yet the thought of closing that chapter hurts me, but then Lily stirs on my chest and her breath rattles in her squeaky toy way. Lily’s needs come before anyone else’s. Hers come before the romantic memories of a teenage girl.
“His name is Samuel Turner, and his date of birth--”
“Samuel Turner?” Juliette’s voice cuts me off scathingly.
“Um. Yeah.” I rattle off his birthday, a number that comes to me easily despite not having reason to say it much before now.
“Turner… interesting name.”
“Yeah. Maybe you know them. His daddy is chief of police there.”
“Mmm. Actually, that Chief Turner retired a while back.”
“So you know who I’m talking about?”
“Yeah, just vaguely. There’s a new chief Turner now.”
My brows knit and my stomach knots. I haven’t talked about this family in so long, it physically hurts me to do it. “Who’s the chief now?”
“Alex Turner. His son.”
“Alex?” My breath comes out on a whimsical sigh. Memories. So many memories battering at me; they’re both welcome and detested. I don’t want to remember. I want Lily.
“You know Alex?”
“Yeah, well, he was my boyfriend’s brother. I knew him well enough.”
Juliette pauses for a long minute. “Your boyfriend? Or your husband?”
“Well… My husband.”
She mumbles something unintelligible, but when I ask her to repeat it, she brushes me off. “Nothing. Never mind. My legal advice for you, Sammy, is to get this squared away. Yesterday.”
“This is like a client-lawyer confidentiality thing, right? Do you know them? You can’t tell them we spoke.”
“I don’t have an obligation to you, Sammy. But seeing as this is information I received while working on the Lytto case, I’m still bound by the law. I won’t say a thing. But I need you to take care of business, okay? I can’t help you until you tie up your loose ends.”
“Okay.”
She hesitates for a long minute, then softly, she murmurs, “Do it gently, alright?”
“Oh god! You know him?”
“Relax. I’m bound by law, and I hardly know him. I see him around town sometimes. We don’t even really know each other’s names.”
I fight the urge. I bite my lip. I curl my fingers into my palm in an effort to stop the words, but it’s all in vain. “How does he look? Is he happy?”
“He’s…” she hesitates, then clears her throat. “He’s practically a stranger to me, Sammy. I literally didn’t even know who Sam Turner was five minutes ago. I only know because you said his daddy was Chief.”
“But you know who he is. That you see him around. Does he smile?” Does he have a partner and family? He can’t have remarried, because I would have been served with divorce papers, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t move on. He might have a bunch of curly haired babies by now, and they might all sit around playing guitar and singing kumbaya in a gritty throaty voice.
“Sure, he smiles. I’ve seen it a time or two.”
“Does he--”
“Listen, I’ve gotta go, okay? Take care of that sweet little baby, and take care of business. If you’re coming to town, drop into the office and see me. If you’re taking care of it via mail, then I’ll see you when Lily’s case comes up. Don’t let her down, okay? She’s the most important person here, not a couple adults who decided not to stay together anymore. She’s depending on you.”
I nod even though no one can see me, then I clear my throat again. “Alright. I’ll take care of it.”
“Call me whenever you need. I’m emotionally invested in this case, and I want to help any way I can.”
“I appreciate it. I’ll talk to you later--”
“Hey, before you go,” she cuts me off. “How is she? Lily. Shari was an addict, and she went into pre-term labor, so I know Lily would have had problems…”
I smile and crane my neck to sniff at Lily’s scalp. She smells like candy. “She’s good. She’s still really small, and has a few medical issues. But all in all, she’s doing really well.”
“How small?”
“She’s currently seven and a bit pounds. The size of a newborn.”
“But she’s three months old now…”
“Yep. But she’s a fighter, and she knows how to scream until she gets what she wants. We have a pediatrician’s appointment in a couple hours, actually, so it was a good thing you called and woke me.”
“You want her, right? Since this all began, I’ve been working for Shari. I know you said no; you refused to sign her papers. Have you changed your mind?”
I continue to nuzzle my future daughter’s hair, and smile as thoughts of Lily and I replace the memories of Sam and I. “Yeah. I’ve changed my mind. I resisted because I thought I was helping Shari. But obviously that didn’t work out. Lily’s mine now. I’ve been with her every single day since she was born. She’s slept with her skin against mine far too often for me to let her bounce around in the system. I’ll tie up my loose ends, Juliette, because I love her. I won’t lose her.”
“Alright, Sammy. Good luck.”
“Catch you later, Juliette.”