Without You

– Scotch –

Tastes Like Metal

“How’d it go?”

I stop just inside the roller doors of Ang’s workshop and look down as he rolls out from beneath a ten-year-old muscle car. “Shitty.”

“You yelled at her again.”

“Yup. Accidentally called her a bitch too.”

He wipes his hands on a rag and continues to lay on the roller board on the ground. “I know. I heard you. I was ready to come up and show you what happens when a guy disrespects a lady like that.”

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m sorry.”

“You know better.”

“Yeah… I know.”

“You planning to make a habit of morning drinking then shouting at the ladies? Because I can’t get on board with that. Thirty years of friendship, bud. It’d be a shame for that to have all been a waste.”

He’s not bluffing. And he’s not wrong. “No. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

“Don’t speak, Scotch. Do.”

I nod and crouch down beside him. I’m such an asshole. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re not working today?”

I shrug. “I have work to do, but I kinda don’t feel like it.”

He laughs and rolls back under the car. “You don’t feel like it. Sure is a hard life.”

“I gotta play ball with Mac in a couple hours.”

“You still drunk?”

I chuckle. “Nah, it washed away pretty quickly. I think Tink laced it with water. She’s an asshole, and sneaky as shit.” I take a deep breath as I think about my messed-up life. “I can see how a man would crave alcohol on the daily when faced with someone like Sammy.”

Angelo rolls out and glares at me.

“I’m not taking up drinking as a sport, relax. Just saying, the whole numbing my brain shit has its merits.”

“You call her Sammy here, but Samantha to her face…”

“Yeah. Mostly I’m just trying to be a dick. It makes me feel better.”

Angelo rolls his eyes and moves back under the car. “Whatever floats your boat, bud. So what’s happening?”

“I don’t really know, but I think I’m married for the next couple months.”

“You’ve been married your whole damn life. What’s different?”

“Now I actually have to see my wife daily – theoretically. We’ll see how it works out.”

“I’ll work on our schedule for the band. I’ll get you more nights off…”

“No, it’s fine. We only play the club a few nights a week. I’ll need them for distance, I think.”

“You’re a family man now. You need to be home.”

I roll my eyes. “No. I’m not. I’m a guy who knows a chick with a kid. That’s it. I have more reason to see Charlie than I do Lily.”

“That’s a damn lie, and we both know it.”

I have nothing to say to that, because he knows me better than anyone in the whole world… except maybe Sammy. And he knows I’m lying.

“What’s gonna happen after it’s all said and done? Squeak will be yours on paper. Do you just un-adopt her when it’s time for Sammy to leave again?”

I sigh. “I dunno. But it’s probably best if I don’t get too attached. I’m not keen on ripping my heart out again.”

Ang stops working and slowly rolls back out to look at me. “I think I’m already attached. She’s cute as a button and so small and squishy. I only met her six hours ago, but I already wanna put her in my pocket and keep her.”

“Yeah.” Story of my fucking life, but this time, it’ll be two girls with the power to rip me apart. “Me too…”

“You’re fucked.”

“Yup. What’s new?”

***

An hour after walking out on Sammy again, and hating myself for speaking to her the way I never could have guessed would happen when I was eighteen and in love, I went down to the basketball courts at the youth center and spent a couple hours with Mac.

He’s still an asshole. He’s still a smartass. And he’s still getting impressive report cards.

I took him out for pizza again, and though last time was because I worried he was hungry, this time it was because I just didn’t want to go home.

I want to see her so desperately my bones ache, but when I do, I get angry. I don’t want to be angry anymore, but when I try to talk myself down, I remember the time she stole from me, and the baby I’ll never know.

I keep going around in circles, and though I’m exhausted and would actually love to go back home and just call a truce, maybe enjoy some baby snuggles and somehow objectively ask Sammy how her life has been otherwise, I can’t find that inner peace I so desperately need.

One single look into her beautiful eyes, and my fingers twitch to catch hers and hold on. One look at how fit and stunning she is and how soft and straight her hair looks, it all takes me back to painful places and the anger rolls around again. Because without anger, I hurt. And even more than wanting to get over the anger, I want to stop hurting.

I drop Mac home at six, then drive back to my apartment and look around the parking lot at the back of the garage. My bike is still under the tarp, but there are no other cars. I have no clue if she’s here or not, since the hotel is within walking distance, and she walked here this morning.

I climb out of the car and slam the door shut. Walking toward the stairs, my heart stutters when I find a folded-up stroller frame at the bottom.

That’s not mine.

So I guess they’re here.

I move up the stairs quietly, because I’m not a total asshole and I saw the way she flinched earlier every time we made noise while Lily slept. I don’t want to wake the baby if she’s sleeping, so I take my boots off before I reach the top landing, and silently open the door.

I walk into the dark apartment, though I see the TV flickering in the next room, and I place my boots on the floor in the kitchen. I empty my pockets and dump my keys and wallet, and grit my teeth when coins noisily roll along the counter and drop to the floor. “Shit.”

“It’s okay,” Sammy calls out shyly. “She’s awake.”

Her voice is still pretty. Goddamit, I’ve missed her.

I take my cell from my back pocket, checking the screen and finding a couple texts from Nancy, but I don’t open them. I just toss my phone down and grab a soda from the fridge.

My gaze comes up at the soft shuffling of socks on carpet, then Sammy emerges at the doorway between the two rooms with a snuggly Lily resting on her chest and a slight limp to her shuffle. “Hello.”

I nod, and cracking the can in my hand, I take a long swallow.

“I’m sorry we’re still here… I wasn’t exactly sure where we were with everything, but either way, I wanted to stick around to tell you I was sorry.”

I nod again and lean against the fridge.

“You said you had a spare room, and that you weren’t leaving, so…” She shrugs shyly. “I have to do everything right to make sure I keep her, so I guess, with your permission, we’ll be staying here.”

I nod and drink some more.

“I’ll keep her as quiet as possible. We won’t be a bother--”

“Don’t have to keep her quiet. I won’t be here that much anyway.”

Hurt flashes in Sammy’s eyes, but she nods. “You don’t have to stay away because of us. We’ll hang around our room when we’re here. We’ll stay out of your way. I won’t make a mess and I won’t screw with your DVR or anything.”

I shrug again. “Whatever. I don’t watch much TV anyway, so I doubt there’s much to screw around with.”

“Lily only has formula, and I’ll buy my own groceries. We won’t touch your stuff. I just need a little electricity for her bottle warmer. I’ll pay rent and all of the utilities from now until we leave.”

“It’s fine, Samm-- It’s fine.”

“I just want to make this as easy as poss--”

“Where are your folks?”

Her lips freeze on her last word, and her eyes bore into mine. “My folks?”

“Yeah. Where are they? They don’t live here anymore. I checked. Did they die yet?” I can only hope.

“They live about three days drive from here, last I checked.”

“You’re not in contact with them?”

She shakes her head softly, then beams a stunning smile as Lily lets out a sudden, loud, man sized belch. She pats the baby’s back and kisses her head with pride. “No, I’m not in contact with them. I haven’t seen or heard a word from them in a very long time.”

“You got away from them?”

She nods.

“Do they know about Lily?” Are they gonna fuck this up for her?

“No, there’s no contact between us at all. They stopped trying after a couple years of silence from me. Now I’m a grown woman and can’t be controlled, so they stopped trying.”

She was a grown woman, at least according to the law, the last time I saw her. She let them control her then. “Why’d you stop talking to them?”

Her eyes fire angrily, even as her hands remain gentle and pat Lily’s back. “Because they ruined my life.”

I nod my head. I can relate. They ruined my life too.

Sammy steps further into the kitchen, digging into her handbag on the table with one hand while balancing Lily with the other. She pulls out tiny diapers and wipes, bottles of water, containers of powdered formula, a tiny medicine dropper, then finally with an ‘ah ha,’ she pulls out a small glass bottle with a white child-proof lid and a large sticker I recognize from drug stores as a prescription label. Balancing Lily, she places the top of the bottle in her mouth and starts to twist, and realizing her intent, I step forward. “Here.” I take the bottle and quickly unscrew the cap, then placing it on the table in front of her, I watch as she picks up the dropper and starts measuring.

Lily is floppy and lazy in Sammy’s arms, and though I know I’m going to regret this for the rest of my life, I hold my hands out. “I’ll hold her… if you want.”

Sammy’s beautiful eyes snap up to mine in shock. She holds Lily tighter to her chest, as though she’s scared I’m going to run away with her. I haven’t given her much reason to trust me the last twenty-four hours. “I won’t move; I’ll just hold her while you do that.”

She watches me for a minute more, then with a soft nod, she places the dropper down and turns to me. She picks Lily up and away from her chest, then as I stand with my arms cupped in a way I learned specially for my nephew, she lays the smallest baby I’ve ever seen in my life in my arms. “My nephew was born bigger than this three-month-old.”

Sammy smiles softly, turning back to the medicine. “I can’t believe you have a nephew. I almost died when you said your sister is married. Last I checked, she was nine and had an attitude problem.”

“Well she’s much older now, but still has an attitude.”

Sammy shakes her head as she measures out the dosage from the small bottle.

“What’s that?”

“Iron. She’s still a little anemic, so she takes this for the boost.” She wrinkles her nose as she pulls the dropper from the bottle. “Smells like metal.”

“Does it taste like metal?”

She smiles softly. “I dunno. I’ve never tried it.”

I hold my hand out between us, palm side up, and she frowns. “Give me a drop. I wanna taste.”

“It smells pretty bad.”

I shrug my shoulders. “The baby has to taste it. It can’t be too awful.”

Sammy watches me, but shrugging her own shoulders, she holds the dropper over my hand and squeezes a single drop onto my palm. With an expectant gaze, she looks back up at me. I bring my hand to my mouth and lick.

“What does it taste like?”

“Like I licked a penny.”

She laughs in a way I’ve dreamt about for as long as I can remember. It’s bitter sweet, but with a snuggly baby on my chest, I find it just a little more sweet than it is bitter.

“You’re still all about jumping in head first, huh? I’ve had access to this stuff for months, and I didn’t even consider tasting it.”

Our eyes meet, and hers turn darker at the reminder of all that goes unsaid. She was always the calculated doer.

“Nah, I don’t jump very much at all anymore. It’s rarely worth it.”

She nods contemplatively. Turning back to the medicine in her hands, she goes back to measuring, and I reposition Lily in my arms so she’s comfortable. Once she’s satisfied with the dosage, Sammy turns back to us. “Um...”

“Just give it to her. I’ve got her.”

“Can you…” She stands on her toes, so I lean down a little. “You grew a lot since prom.”

“Yeah.”

Awkward silence overtakes us at my non-answer, so she stretches her toes and lifts the dripper over Lily’s mouth. Lily’s hands clench and relax and she waves them around without coordination, but as though she’s already so used to this, as soon as her dark eyes lock on Sammy’s hand, she opens her mouth and pokes her tongue out. Spit bubbles drip from the corner of her mouth as she takes the medicine Sammy offers. She doesn’t scrunch her face like I expected she would; she just takes the dose patiently and smacks her lips when she’s done.

“Anything else?”

Sammy shakes her head and steps away. She walks to the sink and rinses the dropper. “Nothing else. She ate just before you got here. She’s burped and has a fresh diaper. She’s all set for bed.”

“Will she sleep all night?”

“No. I wake her again at nine, then midnight, then three.”

“She wakes? Or you wake her?”

“I wake her. She’s still small, so the pediatrician wants her to eat every three hours.”

“Doesn’t she get pissed that you wake her?”

Sammy laughs under her breath. “Sometimes. Other times, she’s still awake from the last lot. She’s a sporadic sleeper. She was pretty amazing in the hospital, but since coming home and it’s just been me and her, she’s not quite as settled.”

“Maybe she liked the noises and people at the hospital.”

“Nah. I dunno what her problem is. I try and provide her with the perfect space to sleep, but sometimes she just doesn’t want it. We’re still finding our feet.”

“Okay, well…” I shrug my shoulders as she finishes at the sink and wipes her hands on the towel hanging on the oven. “You know best.”

She turns and leans against the counter, with her hands clasping the edge of the counter and one foot sitting on top of the other. She’s so fucking beautiful. Even sleep deprived and after a long shitty day. Even after three months in hospital with a premature baby.

Even after thirteen years without me.

“Okay.” I step forward and hurriedly pass the baby, then turn and walk away. I’m done. I can’t look at her for another second.

“What are you doing?”

“Leaving. You should know what that looks like.”