Without You

– Scotch –

No Doubt

I sit through another hour of listening to her and our interviewer chat like old pals, and the whole time I’m forced to sit and pretend everything is okay. She’s a fucking liar. She’s a bullshit artist of the highest caliber, and she had me fooled.

As soon as I can escape without looking like a psycho, I pick Lily’s carseat up from the boardroom floor and walk out.

Sammy follows closely behind, but she doesn’t speak. She collects her bag and papers and hurries in my wake as she tries to stuff everything back in her bag and not drop anything. I storm toward her car in the parking lot, and when she unlocks it, I open the back door and clip Lily’s seat into the base. I work on the straps while Sammy unloads her diaper bag and files into the trunk, then walking back toward me, she leans on the car and smiles. “I think that went really well, don’t you?”

I hold the frame of the door and look down at her in disgust. “So, he can know my most personal secrets? He can know I had to take pills after you left because you fucking broke me, but you don’t tell him you aborted our baby?”

Her eyes pop in shock. “What?”

“I suppose telling the guy who’s gonna decide if you get to keep a baby or not, that you killed your other baby a decade ago, would probably look bad.”

“What are you--”

“I’ve hated you since you left, Samantha. Ever since you took my call and told me what you did, but I guess a small part of me at least figured you had your reasons, and whatever they were, that you owned them.” I lean toward her. “You made a really fucking shitty decision, but at least own it!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“You didn’t miscarry. You aborted!

Her head whips back as though I hit her. “I did not.”

“Don’t fucking lie! Don’t diminish my child’s life like that. He didn’t die of natural causes. He died because he was inconvenient for you.”

“Why would you think I aborted? I didn--”

“You admitted it! Your father told me, then you admitted it on the phone.” I step toward her, so close that I’d probably be arrested for intimidation if a cop saw. “I’m fucking disgusted in you.”

“I never told you I aborted, Sam! I didn’t abort. I would never do that!”

“And yet you did. Your father told me, right before he had me arrested, that you asked for their help. You went with them to the hospital, I even know your fucking doctor’s name. You aborted my child, and you admitted it when I called you that night.”

“I didn’t!”

“I don’t believe you!” I scream in her face.

Tears well in her eyes, and I hate every single crocodile tear she produces. “We knew each other, Sam. You knew me. I never once gave you reason to think I’m a liar. I never once made you doubt.”

“Yeah, not until you left me and killed my kid.”

She shakes her head as sadness turns to anger. “You knew me. And you knew my father. You know what kind of man he was, and yet you believe him. This one time, you believe him?”

I lean down until our noses almost touch. “You admitted it on the phone. You’re right. I never ever doubted you. I never would have believed you could do such a thing. Not to me. Not to our baby. And even after your daddy told me, I argued back and I didn’t believe it. But then you admitted it. But that’s not even the point anymore. It’s done now and I learned to live with it as well as I could. But you’re lying to yourself. Just fucking admit it!”

“You really think I did that? You really think after what we had, after what we discussed, even after what we’ve had this past week, you really think I’d do that?”

I nod slowly. Purposely. There won’t be miscommunication today. She’ll walk away from here knowing exactly how I feel. “We had nothing this week, but some convenient fucking. You owed me that much at least… And as far as what I think: I have no fucking doubt in my mind.”

She nods slowly, looking away from my glare as she steps back. She bites her lip for a long silent minute, then meeting my eyes again with a steely determination, she nods one last time. “Okay. You’re right… My bad.”

“… Your bad.” With a rage unlike anything I’ve ever felt in my entire life, while my heart thrashes inside my chest, tearing itself from the arteries that feed it life, I slam Lily’s door so hard the entire car shakes, then I turn and walk away. I’m out. I have her list of appointments. I’ll turn up to them, I’ll play the part, then I’m getting her the fuck away from here. My sister was right. There was no way this could end well, and the small hope that recently began to bloom that I might be able to ‘get over’ what she did, just exploded in my face. With two callous words, Samantha Ricardo just broke my fucking heart. Again.

I already hated her actions. It’s taken me thirteen years to get as far as I have, to process what she did and come to terms with it, but her inability to own her decisions is a new low.

Make a shitty decision. Fine. We all do. We all make mistakes. But her inability to own up to it officially pushed me over that line I was so desperate to find.

I was so worried I’d always be stuck in this in-between. I couldn’t hate her enough to let her go. But I couldn’t love her enough to forgive her. Only the second half was a lie. Because I could love her enough. I still love her enough. She could do just about anything and I’d forgive her and keep coming back, but her inability to own her decisions has my gut rolling with disgust.

I can love her for the rest of my life. I will love her for the rest of my life, but I can’t even be in the same space as her and not want to spew in her face.

With her simple, cold words, she officially severs that last tie to her. Dooming me to a lifetime of loving someone that I can never be happy with.

A sense of relief and dread both swirl and mingle in my gut.

Relief, because I can finally walk away.

And dread… because I can finally walk away.