1. Chapter 1
Chapter 1
Lilli
On Saturday night, I flip over in my bed and cover my head with my pillow. I’m quite sure hearing your parents have sex is akin to the fourth circle of hell.
If I wasn’t so disgusted, I might ponder Mama’s words about inside voices but yeah…
Beside me, Miriam shifts and I poke my head out to find her creeping through the room. Miriam and I have shared a room since Mercy was born, after which she and Rachel were put together, and I moved in here.
Miriam pauses at the window. The moonlight shining through reveals her fully dressed and sitting up, I whisper, “What are you doing?”
Pressing her hand to her chest, she spins around and says, “You scared me.”
Cocking my head, I study her in the darkness before I say, “I’m going with you.”
“What? I’m not. You can’t…”
Throwing back the blankets, I step from the bed and grab my dress, shucking my long pajama shirt in one go.
“Lilli, no,” she says but I ignore her.
With my shoes on, I pat my hair, still in my sleep braid, and approach where she’s still standing frozen by the window.
“Let’s go,” I say, and she stares at me with her wide blue eyes.
“You can’t,” she says, and I step past her, pushing up the window and crawling through. She pauses, sticking her head out and meeting my expectant stare before she follows.
“Lilli—“
“Mir, I’m going unless you want me to wake up Daddy.” I ignore the pulse of guilt at the threat, but I’m determined to find out what she’s hiding other than a baby.
Besides, I’d like to see something outside the four walls of the prison we were born in, too.
Her eyes flash before they narrow and she says stonily, “Fine. But you keep your mouth shut.”
Nodding, I follow her along the side of the house, my chest burning at her cross look.
She drops to her knees at the corner, and I stare in wide-eyed amazement as she digs out a backpack. If I recall it’s the hand me down, I used in the seventh grade, decorated in stars and hearts.
She pulls out pants and a shirt before changing. When she’s done, she’s no longer the prim and proper Reverend’s daughter. Skinny jeans accentuate her small waist, a shirt that does nothing to conceal her assets pulls at her breasts and the final mark of defiance, she releases her hair, so it flows around her shoulders.
Miriam is the only one of us girls who doesn’t have some form of Mama’s red hair, hers a deep chocolate brown like Daddy's.
“Here.”
She hands me a skirt and shirt and with fumbling fingers I transform, shifting uneasily when I feel a breeze up my backside. Am I ready for this?
She adjusts my skirt and pulls the tie from my hair before presenting me with a tube of lipstick. Immobile, I stand while she applies it to my mouth before adding her own.
After, she looks me over with a small frown before nodding. She hides our clothes back in the bag and leaves them under the bush before I follow her silently between the houses and down the street.
Although we live in a larger development, there’s always the risk of someone seeing us which is why I glance around as we enter the woods that surround our community.
Once we’re concealed by the tall trees, she grabs my hand, digging her fingers into my skin and I catch the gasp under my breath as she hisses, “If you tell anyone…”
“I won't,” I whisper, my heart pounding at her severe stare.
She pulls away and marches ahead of me. Smoothing my hair from my face, I grimace at the reminder that it’s no longer pulled back. Strangely, I feel both exhilarated and terrified of what I’m walking into. Not only that, but I’m painfully aware of the parts of my body that have never seen the light of day, much less the darkness around us.
Slivers of moonlight cast the path in an eerie glow, and I shiver before hurrying forward. When we emerge on the other side of the small park, I see a car idling at the curb.
Miriam marches toward it and I pause at the sight. It's a beautiful Mustang with pretty rims and a fancy racing stripe. I only know this because I took Mechanics as an elective last year, hoping to avoid another boring topic like Public Speaking.
A guy I don't recognize sits behind the wheel and he smiles when she opens the door before looking behind her with raised brows.
“Who’s this?”
“My sister,” she says, motioning for me to get in the back seat.
“Oh,” he studies me curiously, his cobalt blue eyes bright before turning to her with a wide smile. She giggles, leaning in for a kiss before pulling back and glancing at me weirdly.
My cheeks heat and I turn my head, biting my lip as her friend revs the engine and pulls away, leaving me to my thoughts.
I’m in a car with my sister and a boy who Daddy would most definitely not approve of. I have no idea where we’re going and I’m wearing siren red lipstick. With a small smile, I watch the scenery flying by, hoping for a memory I can hold close when I’m stuck back in my bedroom, dreaming of something more.
Miriam and her mysterious guy chat up front, but I can’t hear what they’re saying between the loud music blaring from the speakers and the whoosh of the open windows. Whatever it is, it makes her happy because she’s smiling so wide it's almost painful to see while her eyes sparkle in the low light.
My heart lurches at the sight, and I ignore the curl of jealousy. She’s in a place I would never wish myself to be because eventually, her misdeeds are going to be too obvious to hide. What will she do? I don't have a frame of reference for the punishment for this but if missing school because of period cramps earns us three lashes of Daddy’s whip, I can't imagine what this will bring.
Thoughts of which make me shudder. This is most definitely going to be ugly.
I look up when we slow, spying a slew of cars parked in a semicircle, surrounded by a crowd of people. Some sit in makeshift stands, while others stand around the cars, filling in behind us as we pull to a stop.
With wide eyes, I soak in the sight, fascinated by the colors and sounds. A woman with rainbow-colored hair laughs, her purple lips stretched in a smile.
A guy next to her glances at her with greedy eyes and grabs her around the waist. Beyond, a group sways to music pulsing from a car, their bodies lithe in the light of a fire.
With a pulse of unease, I glance down at my new outfit. Changing my clothes doesn’t change who I am, and I’m half tempted to wait in the car but that’s pushed to the side when Miriam and her beau pull back from a scorching kiss and she opens the door, exiting before gesturing for me to follow.
Once we’re clear, he pulls up to a white line painted in the dirt. The cars before and beside him rev their engines, the sound echoing in my ears as exhaust tickles my nose.
A thrill shoots through me and I back away with Miriam when she grabs my arm before pulling me to a group of girls standing to the side. None of them bother to speak to her and she ignores them as they cast curious glances in our direction.
“What’s going on?” I shout over the noise.
She glances at me and her lips curve in a smile. “They’ll race around the track four times. Winner gets the pot.”
“Oh,” I say, turning back to the track. A man with long dark hair stands before them, holding up his hand and before I have time to process what’s about to happen, he fires a gun, and I flinch.
Miriam laughs beside me, but I’m glued to the vehicles as they volley for the front position.
Around the curves they go, where a pretty, little car takes the lead before Miriam’s guy nudges him aside. It’s fast, loud, and dangerous and I’m spellbound, silently rooting for the tiny one because the car is so small next to the American-made beasts around him.
At the last second, a third car, a green monstrosity bumps into the smaller car, and it goes careening into the middle of the track while Miriam’s guy butts up against him.
I’m so caught up, that I don’t notice my surroundings until a deep, husky voice behind me says, “That Duke out there?”
The delicious sound sends a shiver down my spine, and I glance back, freezing when I spy none other than the object of my illicit fascination standing behind me with his arms crossed over his glorious chest.
“Yeah,” Miriam says while I look between them in shock.
Miriam knows him . How?
He’s not paying attention to me, and I take the opportunity to gaze at his perfection up close. The tattoos that fascinated me from afar blaze across his skin and now that I’m close enough to touch, my fingers tingle.
The mishmash of words and pictures should be tacky but somehow it creates a story that I’m curious to learn.
With his dark brows furrowed, he gazes at the track, his lips tight. Despite the stern expression, a wave of dizziness assails me, and I lock my knees, biting my lip. I’ve been dreaming about this for a year but I’m powerless because I don’t even know what I could do, much less what I should.
But it all fizzles when long red fingernails appear, trailing down his bare biceps and a woman peeks around his shoulder, meeting my stare with a wicked grin.
Her dark hair falls to her ass, perfectly mussed. With lush lashes surrounding jade green eyes and pouty lips. She’s beautiful. She knows it, too.
Cocking a brow, she grabs his package, and a flush consumes my cheeks. I want to grab her hand away and replace it with mine which leaves me reeling.
Who is this girl inside me clamoring to break free?
“Not now, Melanie,” Wolf grunts and I raise my eyes past his beautiful chest to his face.
He pushes her hand away, but I’m spared her reaction because his body blocks her from view.
Dumbfounded, I process this newest turn of events, still staring at him wide-eyed when his gaze moves from the track to me.
Cheers erupt around us, but the sound is muted to my ears as I stare into his beautiful eyes. They’re so pale, so gray, so everything.
He drops his chin, his eyes lighting with curiosity before he says, “Who’re you?”
I shouldn’t be able to hear him over the din, but I do, and goosebumps cross my skin at the husky tone. He cocks his head and I’m mute, caught out, heated through.
Thankfully, Miriam breaks me from my humiliating trance, grabbing my arm. “C’mon.”
Nodding dumbly, I follow her through the cars toward Duke, glancing back once to find him still staring at me with his bright eyes. But then, the woman comes around and stands before him, and he drops his gaze with a frown.
Sighing, I turn back to the fray, bemused when Miriam jumps into Duke’s arms, and they kiss in a frenzy.
Once again, my cheeks warm and I avert my gaze, scanning the crowd rather than my sister. This type of behavior is so anathema to me, I’m still uneasy when they break apart and I follow them past the makeshift stands toward a fire, crackling in the moonlight.
“Your brother’s here,” Miriam says.
Duke looks up and around. “Oh?”
She crosses her arms, and he chuckles. “C’mon, babe. You know what I want.”
“I thought it was me,” she says, raising a brow.
His eyes go dark, and he scowls before grabbing her arm and pulling her flush to his chest.
I don’t wait around for what I’m sure will be another embarrassing exchange and step toward the fire, holding my hands out to the flames.
All around me, I feel the curious stares of my peers, many of whom I’m currently attending school with or who graduated in the last few years. It’s no secret I’m an Abernathy because I’ve stuck out like a sore thumb the entire time and now, I’m wondering if this was a bad idea.
How has Miriam hidden this for so long?
A bitter scent fills the air, and I glance around, spying a group across the way smoking what I assume to be marijuana.
I smile feebly at Janette Magan when she mumbles an apology before backing off my foot. Her eyes go wide when she gets a good look at me, and surveying me from head to toe with a crinkle in her brow, she says, “Lilli?”
What does she see? An interloper in a tight skirt? Or the real me fighting the rules beaten into me since I can remember?
“Hey,” I say, turning away from my ridiculous thoughts.
Maybe I want to be free but I’m not sure that includes a tight skirt and red lips. Heck, I don’t even know what it includes.
A woman with long dark hair turns my way and I cringe when I confirm it’s Darcy amongst the masses. She’s a student at my school and I step back, sure she’d be more than happy to out me if given the opportunity.
After all, whenever she has the chance, she reminds me of her hate which started in the first grade. I guess I don't blame her. I don’t know why Daddy chose Mrs. McCray or that day, but he spent the entirety of his sermon, reviling women who used their bodies for sin and specifically pointed out Darcy’s mama, who earns a living showing her goods to the working-class men of this town.
Her mama never came back to our church and Darcy has tortured me ever since.
Since I can’t resist, I glance around for Wolf, deflating when I don’t see him. I’ve never had the opportunity to be so close before and now I wish the moment could have lasted a little longer.
Unfortunately, Darcy steps between me and Miriam, her blue eyes shining, as she says, “Never thought I’d see you here.”
I stiffen at her vicious smile, appropriately wary when I say, “Hello to you, too.”
She dips her head, licking her red lips, and absently I confirm that I’m not a red lip kind of girl.
“You think you can put on a short skirt and fit in?”
Is she reading my mind?
When I don’t bother to answer, she waves in my face. “What are you doing here? Does Daddy know his precious daughter is slumming it?”
I know she has good reason to hate but it wasn’t me who stood before those people and humiliated her mama. I can’t control Daddy. If I could, my life would be much easier.
With a silent sigh, I back up a step and say, “Just leave me alone, Darcy.”
Tilting her head, she laughs, the bitter sound tainting the air. “I don’t think so.”
“Why? Why do you care?”
“Because my mom’s a whore, remember?” she says, grabbing my arm.
I pull away but I’m no match for her anger and this only heightens her sense of victory. Looming in my face, I smell the alcohol on her breath when she says, “I think it’s time for a little lesson, hm?”
“Wha—“ I sputter as she pulls me around and pushes me.
Falling to my knees, I throw out my hands to brace myself too late as she puts her foot on my back and shoves.
I see stars when my head hits a rock. Now I’m sprawled on my stomach, and I bite back tears, waiting for her to just move on.
“Well,” she says, raising her voice. Out of the corner of my eyes, I spy the crowd pause and turn.
Cringing, I drop my head, only to freeze when Wolf’s deep voice says, “Cut it out.”
The air displaces around me and before I know it, I’m standing on wobbly legs with Wolf‘s hand wrapped around my bicep while he stares down at me with a frown.
The brief glimpse of his distaste sends a chill through me, and I drop my gaze when he says, “Seriously? She’s like a child. Let her be.”
A child? Wow.
Hunching my shoulders, I wish myself anywhere but here as Miriam says behind Darcy, “You little bitch. Leave my sister alone.”
“Sister?” Wolf says and Darcy spins, hissing, “Stay out of it, bitch.”
“Oh, I’ll stay out of it, right in your face,” Miriam snarls.
Dumbfounded, I watch my supposedly docile sister fly toward Darcy before Duke grabs her by the waist and swings her around.
He whispers something in her ear, and she sags before nodding her head.
Darcy scoffs and walks away leaving me with Wolf. When I peek at him, my heart stutters at his stern gaze but thankfully it’s aimed at the couple and not me.
With a grunt, he grabs my arm and pulls me toward them. Gasping I follow, stumbling to a stop when he pushes me forward and says, “Your sister? What were you thinking?”
Absently I note the heat of his fingers before they're gone, and I smile ruefully. This is not how I imagined being touched by him, and a curl of disappointment presses at my chest.
Miriam raises her glistening eyes, and I step toward her, but she shakes her head and says tiredly, “It’s fine.”
“It’s not fine,” Wolf huffs. “It’s gonna be bad enough when your daddy comes knocking.”
She stiffens and Duke says, “Bro.”
“No,” Wolf slashes his hand through the air. “You’re playing with fire. Both of you. That man ain’t gonna sit by while you play house. Take her home.”
He nods at me without a glance, and I stare after him with a grimace. I’ve craved just a look from him for what seems like forever and now I’m regretting it because the fantasy was much better than the reality.
He’s gruff, dismissive, and thinks of me as a child.
Great.
Miriam pouts the entire way back while I can’t stop thinking about Wolf’s speech until I’m sick to my stomach. But on the wings of that is a surge of annoyance because he doesn’t know me, and his censure is unwarranted.
When we pull to a stop, I glance out the window and groan. I’m back at the woods and my first taste of freedom was a bust.
My head throbs from where I hit the rock, but I pay it no mind as Miriam stiffly grabs the door handle.
“Babe,” Duke says, and she glances at him. “I’m sorry, okay? What was I supposed to do?”
“Tell your brother to back off,” she says.
He chuckles but the sound is anything but humorous. “You don’t tell him no.”
“Maybe you don’t,” she mutters, turning back to the door.
“No one does. Babe…”
“He’s not your boss, he’s your brother.”
“Trust me. There’s no difference and when I’m—“
“Don’t even say it.” She slashes her hand through the air.
“What do you want from me? I’ve gotta make some dough, right?” he growls.
She sniffles and he pulls her close, saying, “It's the only way.”
“I’m scared.”
“Don’t be. Once I’m in, we’ll have the whole MC backing us.”
“Right,” she says, and he kisses her gently before saying, “Go.”
She shakes her head and steps from the car. With a last glance at Duke’s grim smile, I follow, pondering their exchange. Miriam looks to the ground, her shoulders slumped and my heart hurts for her worry.
“Mir?” I whisper.
“Yeah?”
“Is this about the baby?”
I flinch when she spins to me with wide eyes and shrug before saying, “Sorry, but you left the test in the garbage.”
When she sways on her feet, I rush to say, “I hid it. I promise.”
“Shit,” she mutters, turning back to the path. I don’t know if she’s trying to outrun me or her predicament, but I hurry to keep up as I say, “What are you going to do?”
“Run away with Duke,” she barks.
“Oh,” I say, clearing my throat. “Is he one of them?”
She doesn’t need a translation and eyes me sideways before rubbing her brow. “Not yet but he plans to be.”
“Are you scared?” Miriam is sixteen months older than me—almost twenty. I can’t imagine having to make such choices and I hope she knows what she’s doing.
Her wide teary eyes meet mine before she whispers, “Terrified.”