Chapter 24
24
Saskia could barely contain herself as she led the way through the maze of dimly lit, second-story rooms. A wildfire had been set loose inside her body in that parlor, growing more and more out of control with every moment that had passed since it burst through her last remaining protective shields and left them in smoldering ashes.
Yaroslav had referred to her so many times as a monster, a slave to her own unnatural powers. When Saskia was young, her desperation to prove him wrong had been the impetus for all of her years of laboratory work, forcing her to perfect her self-control as she honed her powers into that close, sharp focus. That same binding fear had stopped her, too, from killing him when she could have in their final confrontation, in case that act might prove his point about her.
She’d already taken a first step away from those smothering bindings when she’d announced herself a wicked queen, without apology, and then refused to change her presentation despite Mirjana’s urgings. But over the past week of steady, affectionate intimacy with a man who’d never asked her to change, she’d finally begun to wonder: what if she let go of those fears at a deeper, far more vulnerable level? Could she trust any lover to see her true self and not try to shape her into something more palatable?
More, could she trust herself to care for them, despite every insult she’d ever believed about herself?
Fabian had been so careful not to pressure her with any added steps of that courtship in her recovery. He was far too gentle and principled to put her in such a potentially difficult situation.
Saskia was neither gentle nor principled when it came to those she cared most ferociously about—and the gift he’d given her tonight had burst through the last of her own lingering restraints. She flung open the door to her room and lit every candle inside with a flick of her fingers as she swept inside. Fabian entered after her, his eyebrows rising above his mask—and another flick of her fingers sent the door slamming shut behind him.
“The answer,” Saskia said through gritted teeth, “is yes. ”
“I… beg your pardon?”
There was still a full foot of distance between them. It was unbearable. How much longer would she have to wait? Saskia pointed imperiously at the cabinet nearby. “Look in the top drawer.”
“Very well.” Moving cautiously, he pulled it open… then stilled, as he looked down at the poem and the bouquet inside. His tall, lean body formed an exquisite arch that made her fingers ache.
She curled them into her palms, fighting to hold herself back. “You gave me those, asking a question,” she said. “My answer is yes.”
“Oh, gods.” He tilted his head back, closing his eyes as if in pain.
Cold humiliation sliced through all of Saskia’s heat, and she fell a step back. “Have you changed your mind since then? Do you not want me anymore?”
Perhaps all that intimate time he’d spent caring for her had changed both of their opinions on the matter. Had witnessing her vulnerability taken away all of the appeal she’d held for him? Or…
“Never.” Fabian left one hand on the drawer as if for balance—or to hold himself back—as he turned to look at her, his brown eyes haunted. “I will never change my mind about you. How could I? You have my entire heart.”
Saskia’s mouth fell open.
His mouth curved gently as she gaped at him. “I adore you,” he said softly. “I’m hopelessly in love with you, Saskia. Didn’t you know that by now?”
She shook her head, wordless. She might have thought… perhaps she’d hoped… but to actually hear him, of all people, say such a shocking thing out loud, so simply and openly, without any prevarications?
Fabian drew a deep breath, his fingers visibly tightening around the drawer as his smile fell away. “If all that mattered were my feelings, I would be on my knees before you right now, worshipping you in every way you could imagine. I would devote the rest of my life to proving exactly how desperate I am for you, body and soul. You would never be left any reason to doubt it.”
Saskia had to bite her lip to hold back a whimper. She had to speak. She had to tell him—had to offer up her own feelings, in return. He deserved no less, after his own bravery.
She tried to speak, to answer his declaration in kind. She couldn’t. A knot was rising in her throat, almost choking her.
… And a niggling sense of warning was rising within her, too—more pronounced with every word. “ If all that mattered were my feelings…”
“But you don’t know everything about me,” said Fabian. “There are things I haven’t told you… haven’t dared.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “I don’t think you will ever forgive me when—”
“Are you married?” The words burst out from Saskia’s lips before she could call them back. “Promised to someone else?”
It would be wrong to kill anyone who kept him from her. Too wrong, even for her.
And yet, if he had been forced into a match against his will and had come here running from that trap…
“No!” His eyes flashed open. “Not anymore. Not since… my wife died, some time ago.”
“ Ohhh. ” Saskia let out a shuddering breath of relief. “That is, I’m sorry. I truly am sorry for your loss.” No wonder he’d been so familiar with the workings of a sickbed.
“Thank you. But she’s not—that isn’t what I was referring to.” He shook his head, pressing his lips together for a moment before speaking again. “Emmeline would never try to hold me back from finding happiness. She was the truest of friends to me, always.”
“I’m glad.” Saskia would never wish him anything but kindness in his life. “In that case…” She took a prowling step closer.
“Wait!” He put up his free hand. “Before anything else, you need to know…” He paused, breathing hard, as his gaze flicked up and down her figure and his face tightened with what looked like excruciating pain. “I can’t allow you—you don’t know who I really am. Who I was born to be, like it or not. If you did know, you would hate me. You will hate me, in a minute. So—”
Oh, for darkness’ sake. “Fabian,” said Saskia firmly, “do you honestly imagine that we would be here now if I didn’t know exactly who you are?” He opened his mouth to argue, but she waved one impatient hand to cut him off. “I’m not talking about which family you happened to be born into, or who the people around you told you to be. I’m talking about you, the man I’ve known and worked beside for months. Do you think I haven’t seen you and paid attention?”
Keeping her right hand raised for silence, she counted off her points. “I’ve seen a man who treats every single creature he meets with unfailing respect and kindness, regardless of species or rank. I’ve seen a man who treats my library and me with a gentleness and care that neither of us… gah!”
She had to break off to swallow down emotion. He started forward, frowning with concern, but she held him off with one raised hand. “No. I have to say this, first: I see you, Fabian. I saw you in the poem that you wrote, too.” She shook her head, helpless in the face of that memory, and pushed her left hand against her chest, where it ached. “It pierced me.”
“Forgive me.” He winced. “I shouldn’t have—”
“Oh yes, you should,” she said fiercely. “You don’t have to hide your true feelings from me, ever. Do you have any idea what it’s meant to me to see more and more of the real you, these past few months?” She gestured at the delectably formfitting outfit that he wore, unshielded by any cloak, and the skin of his face exposed below the half-mask. “I don’t know what your name used to be, what you came here running from, or who made you feel this way about yourself. But I know you, and you never have to fear that I would turn my back on you, no matter what terrible secrets you disclosed.”
His shuddering breath sounded almost like a moan. “Gods help me, I can’t put this off any longer. Saskia, I am the—”
“ No. ” She spoke over him. “ I’m going to prove something first.”
Unlike her librarian, she couldn’t express herself in poetry or flowery words, but this one thing, she could do.
Stepping closer, she held his gaze in hers. “Answer me honestly, right now. Do you actually want to tell me whatever truth is haunting you before I launch into ravishment? Or are you only doing this because your conscience demands it? I can tell you now that it won’t change my desires.”
His jaw set, impenetrably bound by the ethics that ruled him. “Of course I’d rather just be ravished by you,” he gritted. “You must know that. But I would never forgive myself if I didn’t tell you first—”
“Only if you had the choice.” Saskia’s lips curved into a predatory smile, and his eyes widened, his breath shortening as she stalked even closer. “But you’ve forgotten something, haven’t you, Fabian? I’m a wicked queen, and everyone knows it. Unlike you, I don’t care about right and wrong.”
His lean cheeks hollowed with the effect of her words. Her smile deepened as she leaned up to whisper in his ear, bracing herself with one hand on his tall shoulder and the other on his warm chest. “I’m going to take this burden from you. You would never be unethical enough to make this choice… so you don’t have to.” She lifted her hand from his chest to his lips and focused.
“There.” Stepping back, she grinned up at him with all the deviousness in her heart… which beat for him. “Now you can safely abandon yourself to pleasure and know that it’s not your fault.”
He opened his mouth to speak.
All that emerged was a silent puff of air.
Saskia cocked one eyebrow, delight fizzing through her as his eyes widened with realization. “Of course,” she murmured, “you are free to turn around and walk out the door right now if you don’t actually want this to happen— but …”
Narrowing her eyes, she gave his chest an admonitory tap. “If pretending you don’t want this would be a lie, then what happens next in this room will be my choice instead.”
Holding his gaze, she licked her upper lip with slow, unhidden purpose. “… And I choose for you to stay and let me have my way with you.”
Divine Elva, forgive me. Felix couldn’t breathe.
He ought to turn around and walk away now, for her sake… shouldn’t he? On the other hand…
Saskia’s face glowed with mischief and wicked purpose as she cocked her head to give his whole body a leisurely, up and down consideration, taking the time to survey all of her options before beginning her feast. Every inch of his body tingled with the heat of her examination.
Tugging her bottom lip between her teeth, she frowned… and then, with a firm nod, she made her decision and reached for the top button of his silk waistcoat.
Clearly, Felix was shamefully devoid of morals, because there was no magic in the world that could have forced him to walk away from her now. As her clever fingers slipped every one of the small jet buttons loose, every light brush of contact through layers of silk and cotton lit hot sparks against his chest and stomach.
He reached out, breathing hard—
And she stepped back with a warning tsk that made his hands fall away immediately. “None of that! This is all my doing, remember. I’m having my wicked way with you. You’re merely my innocent victim.”
Felix would have laughed in raw disbelief at that idea—there was nothing innocent about anything he felt now!—but the sound stopped in his throat, sealed by her magic as his movements had been halted by her words… and at the joint effect of both interdictions, a hard shudder rippled through his body.
It was almost too good, too intense for him to bear.
All he could do was stand and silently endure whatever pleasure she chose to give him—and somehow, that made each sensation even more overwhelming as she returned, humming in satisfaction, to the task of carefully unbuttoning his waistcoat and the lower buttons of his jacket, too.
She peeled off that black wool jacket first, running her hands over his arms and back as she freed him. Was it her magic that rippled across his skin in her wake, leaving his breath ragged? Or was that just the natural effect of her, mapping his body as if she owned it?
She did. Gods help him, she absolutely did.
Felix didn’t deserve any of this pleasure, and he knew it. Still, he pressed his eyes shut and surrendered to the exquisite torture as she pressed herself against him from behind, her soft breasts flattening against his back, clever fingers unknotting his cravat from behind. He would have groaned if he could have made a sound—but he let her move his arms exactly as she liked to remove his waistcoat and toss it aside. It landed on the floor behind them with a soft thump that made his breath catch in his throat…
And then she was tugging his long-sleeved cotton dress shirt over his head, and he bent his knees eagerly to help her in her task.
It was only when he heard her sudden gasp of horror that he remembered what he should have thought of first.
Oh, no. Felix spun around, already holding his hands out in placation.
Just as he had feared, his mischievous seductress was nowhere to be found. Power charged the air around them, and Saskia’s dark eyes burned with rage in her chalk-white face. “ Who did that to you? ”
Felix bit back a sigh. At least the long, raised scars left by old whippings were limited to his back—but he could see her ferocious gaze cataloguing every other kind of telltale scar that lingered on the skin of his chest and arms. The Count and his lackeys had always taken care not to leave any marks that could be glimpsed by the public at large—but to Emmeline, of course, they had never been a secret, and Felix had never had any other lovers.
How could he not have expected the effect this sight would have upon his protective queen?
Ignoring her earlier prohibition, Felix took hold of her shoulders and tipped his forehead to meet hers. Holding her irate gaze, he shook his head in a gentle but firm rebuttal.
She scowled even more fiercely. “I should give you back your voice right now, so I can make you tell me—”
He shook his head again, even more firmly. This was no time to raise old nightmares. Even if this was to be their only night together, he couldn’t bear for the Count to taint it in the same way that he’d shadowed so much else in Felix’s life.
Leaning down, Felix captured her lips in a kiss so sweet and drugging, he was nearly swaying on his feet with the sheer intoxication of her taste by the time she finally pulled back.
“Oh, very well.” Saskia’s eyes were heavy-lidded, her cheeks covered in a hectic flush, as she clung to his bare shoulders with warm, possessive hands. “We can forget about it for now, but I won’t let you get away without telling me the whole of it later. Whoever did that to you will come to rue the day, I swear it!”
When Felix had first arrived at this castle, he would never have dared to contradict Kitvaria’s notorious witch queen in a threat. Now, he openly rolled his eyes at her—and her lips quirked in response.
“Oh, but have I forgotten what I was meant to be doing to my poor, helpless victim? Do forgive me,” she purred. “Now, let me see. What shall I do next? I think I’ll leave you your mask, just this once. Which means…”
She sank to her knees before him. Ohhhh. His breath shortened in his throat. Then she unbuttoned the placket of his woolen trousers, and he swallowed convulsively.
“Ah, yes.” Setting him free, she ran her tongue over her lips in a manner so openly lascivious, it made his whole body tighten in response. “I always have enjoyed a good experiment…”
Divine Elva, preserve me. As everyone knew, the Queen of Kitvaria took all of her experiments seriously. Within minutes, Felix’s fists were tightly clenched with the effort of standing still, and he was panting so hard, it was nearly painful.
He couldn’t let himself come yet… no, he wouldn’t, not without her… oh, gods!
He could have sobbed with relief when she finally sat back, her eyes bright with satisfaction and her lips scandalously wet and swollen. “In a hurry?” she inquired innocently.
She truly was wicked, after all! Narrowing his eyes at her, Felix un-fisted his hands to grasp her upper arms and yank her upright in a single move.
She let out a full-throated laugh of delight at the move. “Well, then. What are you waiting for?”
Together, they tumbled onto the bed in a hungry, playful knot of interlocking arms and legs and hot, devouring kisses. Felix unpinned her upswept hair with shaking fingers. It fell around her body to shield them both in a heavy black shower as she pushed him onto his back and crawled on top with predatory grace.
Kneeling triumphantly above him, her bodice tugged out of place and her drawers flung aside, she grinned down at him. “Admit it,” she said breathlessly. “You’re all mine.”
Had that ever been in doubt? Felix knew his heart was in his gaze as he reached between their bodies. She tipped her head back on a raw groan, shifting against his seeking, learning fingers and rewarding every successful new discovery on his part with gasps that felt better than any other gift he had ever been given.
When she finally let out a cry of shocked glory, her eyes snapped open, glowing with the power of all of the wild magic within her. “ Now, ” she gasped—and batted his hand aside to sink irrevocably over him.
She was heat and magic and power in his arms. He had never in his life felt so free or so exhilarated as he did now, moving with her, fighting with all his might to postpone that final moment of catharsis…
Until he finally gave in to it with a silent shout of exhilaration and pure gratitude.
Saskia collapsed, still rippling around him, and he wrapped his arms tightly around her warm, still-clothed figure, overwhelmed by emotions even more powerful than the pleasure that still wracked his body.
Peace and pleasure and wonderment and love…
Laughing ruefully, she finally reached up to stroke aside their mingled hair where it had fallen over her face. With another flick of one finger, she released the spell that had silenced his voice. Her own voice was a low, sleepy drawl. “I hope you didn’t mind too terribly much being my helpless vic—”
Her voice cut off as she stiffened in his arms. Then she pushed herself up and pulled back more of his hair to wholly uncover his left ear. “What is that ?” she demanded, her voice sharp and accusing.
Felix blinked up at her, baffled. “What do you mean?”
She reached out—then stopped an inch short of his ear, her face contorting in repulsion, as if she couldn’t bear to even touch it. “ That. ”
Tensing, he followed the direction of her pointing finger with his own left hand… and then relaxed as he felt the familiar shape of his own single earring, the sealed golden circlet that had enclosed the tip of that ear ever since he was a child, on his parents’ command. “Oh! Of course.” He let out a relieved huff of air. “I suppose you never saw that behind my haircut before. Do you not care for it?”
“ Care for it?” She stared at him in what looked like disbelief. Then she swung herself off his naked body, yanking up her bodice and smoothing down her skirt, leaving him cold and uncovered on the bed. “How could you ?” she demanded. “What kind of dark wizard would ever willingly wear an abomination like that?”
“An… abomination?” he repeated blankly.
She stared back at him with just as much confusion. “How can you not know? That earring is a magical suppressant. With that sealed in your ear, you could never access your own magic. How could any dark wizard not understand and hate that?”
Felix gaped at her for a long, silent moment.
There was too much in her words for him to take in all at once. His mind was whirling with impossible ideas and long-buried memories, all seeking a whole new frame of reference. There was no solid ground left that he could hang on to, nothing he could say or…
No. There was one thing he could do—and like it or not, it was long past time to do it.
Taking a deep breath, Felix lifted his head from the pillow to untie the soft laces of his half-mask. Then, under the full force of Saskia’s shocked gaze, he took off the mask to reveal, at long last, his full face… just as it had been painted in so many portraits and circulated around the continent for years.
“This,” he said in resignation, “is what I was trying to tell you.”