Wrapped in Winter (Seasons in Montana: Winter)

22. January

Chapter 22

January

“ H ow are you holding up today?”

Courtney is sitting beside me on the couch while we watch Lily play with her dolls and Joey races his little matchbox cars. Each year this day comes faster and faster.

“It’s kind of anticlimactic. Like, I knew the date was coming but between the store and Drake, I woke up today and realized what day it was instead of dreading it for weeks.”

“That’s good. You’re moving on but not forgetting. I don’t know if it will ever be easy, but maybe each year comes in a bit more peaceful than the last.”

“Maybe.”

Dad is gone fifteen years today. More than half of my life. Lily and I woke up this morning and even if she doesn’t know, she clearly felt my emotions. She snuggled with me longer in bed and when we were at the boutique for a bit, she wouldn’t leave my side. I knew I wasn’t going to get anything done and it wasn’t right for me to put my sadness on her, so we stopped for cookies and then came home. She was excited to see Joey tonight, Courtneys son, so we focused on that.

I avoided Drake's calls which I shouldn't have because if anyone, he understands. And wouldn't you know it, he showed up anyway.

Because that’s who Drake is. Someone who shows up.

“Love comes when you least expect it.”

Courtneys surmisings bring me back to the present.

“What?”

“Just what I said. You weren’t looking for him, but he’s here.”

I wasn’t looking for anyone.

“Do you know he came and dug me out the other night? The plow went through the parking lot and my truck got stuck. It was after ten at night and even though he had to work early in the morning, he came.” She raises a brow while donning a smug look. “And he stayed with Lily when she wasn’t feeling well so I could get to the store on time. Then he came when I was doing inventory overnight. It’s almost as if he’s too nice. Who wants to help all the time?”

“He’s a good guy and he fits in well here.”

I shrug with indifference but she’s right. His peaceful nature and helpful attitude is perfect for this small town. “Steady and true.”

“Funny, it’s exactly what I was thinking.”

“Even that first night, I was drawn to him. He was brand new, I hadn’t ever seen him before but there was something there. A strong, steady presence that said he wasn’t a runner. And I should believe him when he says that not everyone is going to leave me.”

“And he loves Lily.”

I shake my head and lean my head back on the couch. “And she loves him. And that scares me, Court. How do I know I'm not going to break her heart, too if whatever this is, doesn’t work out?”

“There’s always a possibility. But that’s with everyone, January. Look at Jack and I. Look at Charlotte and Lief. Your mom and dad. Things happen, people change, or they die … or they make it. We don’t know for sure, we just have to love the best we can.”

“I don’t know if I can.” I whisper it and she grabs my hand.

“You can. You're not who you were with Sean. There’s nothing to be afraid of anymore. There’s no show to put on.”

“It’s not just him. When we lost dad, it felt like I’d never be able to have that love again, you know? I can’t explain it but it’s like I lost a feeling of safety. Dad was the man you know? He was always here, always had the answer. I slept well at night knowing he was in the house. Looking back, as a kid I didn't know any better. I just knew dad would take care of anything that happened. I haven't felt safe since the night he died.”

“Oh, January, I don’t want you feeling afraid. Why didn’t you ever tell me? You know you could have always stayed with me and Joey.”

I shake my head. “I wasn’t afraid of someone breaking in or anything like that, it was more like I had no peace. I had to rely on myself and I already proved I wasn’t one to depend upon.” I laugh sarcastically.

“You’re wrong. I always knew I could rely on you. Even when I went back to Montana and you stayed in New York, I knew if I needed you, all I had to do was call.”

“But you didn’t.”

She shakes her head. “I didn’t because I didn’t want to put you in a position of having to choose between me and Sean.”

I turn to her, eyes wide. “What do you mean?”

“Lief told me you two fought about him coming to visit again. He said even through everything you wouldn’t have told him not to come so he knew it was Sean’s interference. Jack saw him for what he was. And on some level I think I did too. But you seemed happy and I wanted you to have that. It had been so long since I saw you smile and laugh and I figured if Sean was doing that for you, I’d let him.”

I drop my head and a tear falls. “Sean was not a good guy.”

“I know.”

I don’t need to explain to her. I don’t want to explain. I don’t want to relive it. But she knows the control he asserted by using money and harmful words.

“I think you should try.” Courtney says. “Drake has proven to be a good guy. And you deserve a good guy. So does Lily.”

“I know it. But it’s like I’m still sitting here waiting for a sign. I still need dad to say it’s okay.”

“Will Lief do?” She chuckles and I roll my eyes.

“Lief runs hot and cold. He’s overbearing then he’s distant. And in both instances, we fight. We just can’t get on the same page anymore.”

“He’s carried a lot too, girl. And you're all still dealing with it in your own way.”

Her cell phone goes off and she reaches for it. “Well, that was perfect timing!”

“What was?”

She turns her phone to show me a text from Jack.

Jack: Classic boyfriend vs big brother tonight! Drake just schooled Lief then walked out. He’s got the bar talking. I can’t wait to hear how Miss Trudy tells this story!

My eyes get wide. “Oh my god! Call him right now! I have to know what happened!”

Courtney calls and he picks up on the first ring. “You’re on speaker so behave!”

Jack laughs. “I expected this call, I’m already walking to the bathroom and away from Lief. Hey, January! Am I going to find your number on the wall in here?”

“Very funny. Now tell me what happened.” I say.

He whistles. “I brought your brother out knowing today was going to be rough. He was already in a mood when we walked in. I didn’t know Drake would be here. But I tried breaking the ice between everyone.”

I groan. “I can only imagine.”

“What?” He laughs. “I was talking about Meadow and Cole, too.”

“Jack!” Courtney yells at him. “You can’t be stirring shit up like that.”

“Sure I can. Anyway, all I’m going to say is Drake has it bad for you, January. He earned his place tonight and I think it’s just what he and Lief needed. A little back and forth to get them both thinking.” I connect eyes with Courtney and Jack continues talking. “I like him. And I like him for Lily. I know it’s scary for you, but you’ve got a lot of people in your corner now.”

“Thank you for that,” I say.

“You're welcome. Now don’t fuck it up.”

He snickers and Courtney yells at him. “Go home, Mr. Fristoni before you get yourself into trouble.”

“That’s what I’m hoping for, Mrs. Fristoni.”

“Goodbye Jack!” We both yell and she hangs up on him.

“I think you just got your sign.” Courtney says.