Chapter 53
Ifinish writing my letter and fold it into thirds, sealing it in an envelope. I write Katie’s name on the front with a black sharpie, setting it on my dining room table so it can be found easily.
I walk into the bedroom to check on my sweet girl. She’s been asleep for hours…this is a new development. Usually, she cries throughout most of the night, keeping the whole apartment complex awake.
She stirs when the hallway light filters into her room from the small crack in the doorway. I step inside and close it behind me, pausing to make sure she doesn’t wake up. When she settles again, I creep forward until I am standing over her, preparing to give her my silent goodbye.
She’s so beautiful, but looking at her is almost painful. I can’t look at her and not see the man I love more than anything. The man that is hers even more than he is mine. The man who left us both far too soon.
She’s got her daddy’s smile. His unruly brown hair, and sweet dimples. She has green eyes, just like the both of us, though I think they favor his shape. Unfortunately, she got my translucent skin and freckles. The sun will not be her friend.
Tears fall silently from my eyes as I stare down at her. I love this little girl so much. My little Luna. My perfect baby girl.
“Mommy loves you, sweet girl,” I whisper to her sleeping form.
“I don’t want to leave you, sweetheart, but I’m just not capable of staying…
not anymore. I tried so hard. I tried for him…
I tried even harder for you. But mommy is tired, baby girl.
” I bend over her crib, placing a gentle kiss on her cheek.
“Auntie Katie is going to take such good care of you. She took care of mommy when she was a little girl too. I wouldn’t trust anyone else to look after you.
” I try to keep my cries quiet, but I’m becoming overwhelmed with emotion.
As hard as this is, leaving her behind…staying here is even harder.
“Mommy will come back for you someday. Sometime far, far in the future. We will see each other again, I promise. Next time, Daddy will be there too.” My voice hitches as I say goodbye to my sweet baby girl.
I lean down for another kiss, this time on her forehead, then walk out the door so I don’t wake her up.
I check the small freezer in the kitchen, counting the pouches of milk one final time. The supply should last her an entire year, and that thought brings me comfort. She doesn’t like formula, I’ve already tried. I don’t want to leave her without her mommy’s milk.
I leave a large envelope with all her important documents next to the letter for Katie. I get started on a list of all Luna’s favorites so that Katie will know how to calm her. Her favorite position, her favorite stuffy, her favorite binky.
Her favorite song.
We sing it every night as I rock her to sleep. I can feel her daddy with us, humming along.
I tuck a letter for my little girl into the large folder of documents. I hope she reads it one day, and I hope she finds it in her heart to forgive me. Part of me knows she probably won’t. But the other part of me believes that Katie will help her with that.
I’m making a selfish decision. I’m not blind to that.
But it’s not fair to judge my actions when this experience is mine alone.
I spent my whole life afraid, dreading one day to the next.
Until I turned sixteen and felt what it was like to be protected and cherished for the first time ever.
Katie tried…she really did. But depression burrows so deep into the soul, it’s out of reach from even the kindest hand.
That’s how I know Nate is my soulmate. He tunneled through, healing the most broken parts of me with his love.
He stitched our souls together, taking two broken people, and weaving our essence to create one.
We no longer function without the other.
I’ve become incapable of feeling whole because my other half no longer walks among the living.
Depression is the worst kind of disease. There is no medicinal cure, only band-aids. Nate was my antidote. He refurbished our pieces and parts and took the emptiness away. Even during our years apart, his mere existence kept me going.
All this time I thought I was his reason to stay, and it turns out he was mine.
I don’t think he knew the ramifications of tethering our hearts and souls together. I don’t think he realized we’d no longer be able to survive on our own.
I tried for Luna. So goddamn hard. I love her so much, even more than I love Nate. I’m just too broken to stay, even for her.
After one last look around the apartment, I grab my phone and set up an advanced text message, scheduling it to send to my neighbor in one hour. She’s been such a good friend to me. I hope she doesn’t come up here with the police.
I triple-check that the message is scheduled, not wanting to leave my sweet girl without someone for too long, then I peek in on Luna one last time and find her sleeping soundly. “I just need you to sleep for one more hour, love. Just one hour.”
I walk over to my bedroom and close the door behind me. I grab the package I need from my dresser drawer and sit down on the large reading chair in the corner. The small nightlight softly brightens the front of my room, creating a more calming environment.
I take the sharp blade from its packaging and toss the cardboard on the ground.
I’m not the least bit afraid.
I make two small cuts, and lay my head back against the chair. I wait. Wait for it to end. Wait to finally feel okay again. Wait for my love to come and get me.
A few minutes later, my breaths begin to feel heavy. I feel a little lightheaded and dizzy, but still coherent. My eyes are blurry, and my head feels foggy. I don’t feel bad, just…strange.
I can feel my heart rate begin to slow down. The beat feels softer against my chest than it did moments ago. My consciousness is slipping away, making me feel airy and light.
The weight of life feels more manageable now.
The anvil holding me underwater releases its grip, and I can finally swim to the top.
The choking sensation that’s been obstructing my breaths finally frees me from its grasp.
The pain of each inhale is no longer paralyzing.
Nothing hurts. Not on my body…not in my heart.
I feel ready.
Movement in the front of my room captures my attention. I squint into the darkness, trying to make out the shadowy figure walking my way. I know that walk. I would know that walk anywhere.
My eyes are too blurry to tell for sure, so I just wait.
Finally, my nightlight illuminates the person coming my way, and I smile wide as tears slide down my cheeks.
Emerald green eyes.
Dark wavy hair.
That smirk that I love.
He walks toward me, his hand reaching out for mine. I give it to him, and it feels like our souls merge with the contact.
I feel whole again.
I take my very first breath in over eight months…
…the same time I take my last.