chapter018
Nick and Hannah quickly closed the clacky cover on the iPad, sipped coffee and performatively discussed the weather when Edie entered the dining room. She was hot-showered and carefully pieced back together, full make-up. She was glad that she wasn’t home alone and had to be presentable. Wallowing wouldn’t help her self-esteem.
‘I know what you’re reading, you shits,’ Edie said cheerfully.
‘How are you feeling?’ Hannah asked.
‘A bit numb and stupid and hungover and like last night was a bad dream,’ Edie said honestly. She’d replied to Elliot, and curiously, her message hadn’t registered as delivered, making her think he had turned his phone off, too.
Morning. Sorry I had to stop then because I wasn’t in a good state or capable of saying things that I’d want to stand by. I appreciate you saying sorry, and I don’t think you’ve cheated, but I remain pretty hurt. I will let you know when I feel up to talking. E x
‘It’s a bloody bizarre thing, and you’re allowed to react any way you want,’ Nick said.
‘Thank you. I don’t get why actors perv on each other when eating spaghetti on an office night out. I have never been for tapas with the agency and ended up licking Richard’s face.’
‘OK, so if it helps,’ Nick said, ‘we’ve analysed the data thoroughly and have some key findings.’
Edie, pouring herself a coffee, said: ‘Haha, I KNEW it. Tell me your findings. I’m at a loss. I’m too biased, and I’ve had my mind mangled by tabloid spin.’
‘You’re sure you’re all right to discuss it? It can wait,’ Hannah said. She had been the one to hold Edie last night as she incoherently sobbed about her inadequacy versus: ‘Inner Hurrah – she’s twenty-fucking-EIGHT, for fuck’s sake.’
‘I would genuinely appreciate it,’ Edie said now. ‘If those photos aren’t what they look like, then I don’t know what those photos are. Which makes working out what I blame him for tricky. What is the penalty for a “touchy-feely display”?’
‘Court’s in session,’ Nick said, pulling his chair up next to Hannah. ‘Crucially, in the material we studied, we see nothing that shows Elliot initiating the physical contact. That would’ve been the smoking gun. And counter intuitively, I think you can be fairly reassured there was no such moment, because the press would’ve definitely used it.’
Oh God, that was true. If they’d had Elliot nuzzling Ines, it would’ve been right at the top. He’d not have got away with it. It was strange that he was exonerated by the same scrutiny that incriminated him.
‘So, Hannah, what did we conclude?’
Edie’s heart swelled with gratitude. They’d correctly intuited that Edie needed this mocking, to defuse its power over her.
‘The most damning image is the handholding,’ Hannah said. ‘But was it holding? Here is my hand.’ Hannah laid it on the table. ‘I am Elliot.’
‘And I am Ines,’ Nick said. ‘People do often say we look alike.’
‘Now, note my hand is inert,’ Hannah said. ‘It is, at this juncture, an innocent hand.’
Nick placed his hand on Hannah’s and pushed his fingers over the top of hers.
‘Obviously not perfect reconstruction, as she’d need to have been drinking and not expect my approach,’ Nick said, ‘making it potentially even more effective. But we have established that it is perfectly possible to do this clasping and it look like mutual handholding.’
Nick opened the iPad, found the relevant image, and held it up. ‘No finger intertwining. Her hand over his, as he said. ‘This has gone quite: If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit.’
‘So … he was preyed upon?’ Edie said. ‘Hmm.’
‘Sort of. What we’ve concluded, Edith, is that it is clearly flirting,’ Hannah said. ‘She was flirting with him, and he didn’t discourage her. We see no evidence he was ever flirt instigator. His role is passive, yet still a participant by default. Some would say that is flirting.’
Edie had an uncomfortable moment, thinking: have there not been times in your life where a small truth, taken out of context, became a big lie?
She was even holding Nick’s hand last night, and it wasn’t as if that meant anything remotely lascivious. But she didn’t have long-lens cameras pointed at her, in pursuit of standing up fraudulent editorial directions. Or not so far.
‘In summary, we think Elliot’s specific crime is flirting toleration, when spoken for,’ Nick said. ‘You need some sort of tracking device. I’d recommend slipping an AirTag into his McChicken next time you see him.’
‘So this, my safe space, is in fact the Justice For Elliot Owen headquarters?’ Edie said. ‘Why do you two fancy him so much?!’
There was collective delight at her response, and she realised Nick and Hannah hadn’t known what state she’d be in today, with some justification.
‘We like him, true, and we think you’re owed a big apology,’ Hannah said. ‘I also think stunning women who take the liberty of pawing men won’t often get told not to. I think his claim of mad actress behaviour might have some merit. It’s not a normal profession. My friend once saw Miriam Margolyes swipe someone’s cornet from their hand like a human seagull.’
‘Herrera can keep her hands off my Flake 99,’ Edie replied, and Nick said: ‘That’s the spirit!’
What had Elliot’s mum called this fuss? Silly hoopla.
‘… It’s like joining the circus,’ Edie said. ‘All right, your findings are noted.’
After milky tea, she was feeling almost human again when her phone buzzed.
Elliot
Would the time for talking possibly be in about half an hour? Can I come see you?
Edie
You’re not in New York?
Elliot
I’ve flown back. I’ve only got a couple of hours max before I have to turn around again. I don’t want to intrude/fuck up your break any more than I already have, though, so don’t worry if it isn’t OK. It’s not like I ran this past you.
Edie’s heart was racing. She noticed he was too circumspect and/or gentlemanly to point out that you couldn’t run plans past someone who’d turned their phone off.
She confirmed the address, in a state of mild shock. He’d travelled from the East Coast, for a couple of hours?
‘Erm, so Elliot’s coming over. At midday,’ Edie said blankly, to jaw drops from Nick and Hannah.
‘Coming over, from where?! The Upper East Side?’ Hannah said.
‘Pretty much, yes. He must’ve got a flight after we finished scrapping last night.’
As she said it, Edie realised that it sounded like Cleopatra summoning Mark Antony.
‘Fuuuuuuck,’ Nick said.
‘Is he joining the holiday?’ Hannah asked, and Edie could tell she must really like Elliot, as this was said in excited anticipation, without the smallest, gritted teeth hint of oh, thanks for turning our jolly into Kabul.
‘No, he’s only here an hour or so – he’s got to go back straight away.’
‘Wait, WAIT,’ Hannah said. ‘A man has come on a long-haul round trip just to say sorry to your FACE?’
‘Yes.’
‘Jesus Christ, Edie?! He is besotted!’
‘That’s what he WANTS you to think!’ Edie said.
‘Handsome boy has got me fooled,’ Nick said.
‘Stop taking his side!’ Edie wailed, in humour and panic, to further amusement from Nick and Hannah.
‘This is some Richard Gere in Pretty Woman shit,’ Nick said. ‘… Not that I am saying Edie sells sex. But if she did, Elliot would pay an absolute fortune for it.’
‘That was nearly tasteless, but you pulled it back round,’ Edie said.
‘Thanks, it’s a gift of mine.’
Hannah checked her watch. ‘Nick, get your walking boots out. You and I are going to explore the Dales and leave them to it.’
As they pulled on their outerwear in the hallway, Nick whispered: ‘It’s all the drama, Mick – I just love it!’ and Edie shouted: ‘I HEARD THAT.’