Chapter 11
Y et she realized that, by not giving him an instant yes, a she would be delighted response, she’d hurt him yet again. “It’s definitely not a no. You just really surprised me.”
“Of course I did, not to mention I’m not exactly subtle.”
“You are as you always are, honest and straightforward.”
“Which isn’t necessarily what people want. I get it.”
“No, you don’t get it,” she said in exasperation. “You literally just shocked me. I wasn’t even thinking that going was possible.”
He didn’t say anything, just continued to push her slowly back toward the main building.
“I don’t know if she would take my attendance kindly though,” Yvonne muttered.
“Why not?” he asked curiously. “Do you think Dani minds?”
“I don’t know how Dani feels about it. I know that I would feel guilty.”
“Going to her wedding?” he asked in astonishment.
“Going as your plus one, if I wasn’t your plus one,” she pointed out.
At that, Dennis slowed her wheelchair. “Ah. Okay. I guess from your point of view that’s probably something you don’t want anything to do with, so that’s fine. It was just a thought. Don’t get upset about it.”
As they got closer to the building, she felt the distance between them widening. “I don’t know what I think at the moment, so maybe you could leave your invitation open?” She couldn’t see his face, but she waited for his reply.
“Of course.”
She smiled and added, “Thanks. I haven’t been a very fast learner in life,” she admitted. “I am trying to get better.”
“You’re fast enough,” he said.
Yet an odd note filled his tone that she didn’t really understand. “No, I don’t think I am. I think I’ve hurt a lot of people because I was so determined to be independent that I forgot about just being me.”
“That’s an interesting comment,” he said. “I thought you prided yourself on being you.”
“Yeah, and I think I forgot who that was.… I think it was caught up in medical bills and surgeries and recoveries and rehab and trying to be what everybody else wanted me to be,” she murmured. “I forgot who I actually am. Being here, back at Hathaway, is helping me to remember.”
“And yet would you say you were you back then?” he asked curiously.
“I thought I was, but I don’t think I was in a way. I feel as if I took a wrong turn somewhere, and that wrong turn took me down a pathway that, sure, I probably needed to go on, but it wasn’t a pathway that I see now as one that I would choose to take.”
“That’s a little confusing.”
“No, it goes back to the hindsight stuff,” she muttered, with a heavy sigh. “If I could have avoided so much in my life, I would have. But it really feels as if I’m here to relearn something, something important.”
“When you figure it out,” Dennis shared, “you know all of us will be interested in seeing and hearing about it, if you’re ready to share.” He seemed to backtrack for a bit. “We’re all here for you.”
She nodded at that. “And I do know that. Thank you.”
*
After settling Yvonne back in her room, Dennis returned to the kitchen, quiet, as he contemplated everything that she’d said.
“Hey,” Ilse greeted him. “You okay?”
He nodded. “Yeah. She just mentioned a couple things to me today that helped me to understand where she’s at and why she’s so confused—yet it’s not really a help.”
“No, a lot of that stuff never is helpful to anybody else but the person trying to figure out things themselves. And I’m not surprised if she feels as if this is a second chance, or in some way that she took a wrong turn somewhere. I felt that way in my life too. I’m sure Dani has too. I’m sure all of us have in some ways. And this may be Yvonne’s chance to get it right this time. But, by that same token, she probably feels a lot of pressure to get it right, and, if she doesn’t understand this time, then how to get it right will be an added stress.”
He groaned. “Does everybody automatically do things, or think things, or create situations where they’re stressed to the max?” he asked. “It just seems as if life should be simple, and yet it’s not.”
“It’s simple for people who have it figured out or who come from the heart 100 percent of the time, where there is much less to figure out,” she pointed out, looking over at him. “But not everybody has the ability to decide what the right path forward is. You made a decision a long time ago, and it put her on a different path because I think she—honestly, I think she regrets it. I think she regrets turning you down.”
Dennis shook his head. “I think she’s back because she had an accident, and she needs to heal again,” he declared. “When I offered to take her to Dani’s wedding as my plus one today, it threw her completely, and she was looking for a way to say no.”
“ Was she looking for a way to say no?” Ilse asked. “Or was she just looking for an answer that was honest inside herself? You probably completely sprung it on her, so she had absolutely no idea what to say. Then, when she didn’t respond fast enough, you would’ve taken it as an immediate no.”
“She did ask me to keep the invitation open,” he admitted, “saying that I had surprised her. And I did take it as a no, and she didn’t necessarily let me off the hook on that either,” he stated, with a laugh.
“Good, somebody needs to jolt you out of your own complacency sometimes too.”
“Is that what I am?” he asked, looking over at her, startled.
“You’re very secure, Dennis. That is incredibly healthy,” she murmured. “It’s also, for a lot of people, incredibly unnerving.”
He stared at her, completely flummoxed.
She smiled. “And even just the fact that you don’t understand why or how something like that could happen is great, but not everybody comes from a position where they know who they are. I think, in Yvonne’s case, she tried hard to find out who she was over these last five years. Either she doesn’t like the result or realized that who she is isn’t the person who she was pretending to be.”
“That… kind of makes sense to me.”
“That’s good,” Ilse replied, “but don’t go telling her that.”
He burst out laughing. “No, I won’t. I love her too much for that.”
At his wording she stopped to consider him. “Still?”
He nodded. “Yes. Still.”
“Well. that’s a good thing, and, as long as you have some forgiveness in your heart, then maybe you’ll get there yet.”
“I don’t need to forgive her,” he countered. “When I said I loved her way back when and even now, that didn’t come with a catch. It didn’t come with an expiration date. It didn’t come with conditions, I’ll love you only if ,” he shared. “I meant it. I love her. All and completely.”
Ilse smiled mistily. “You’re one of the good guys, and it always surprises me when I hear something like that coming from you because I know you mean it. I know that you believe it and that so many good things out there are waiting for you. However, I just don’t think Yvonne necessarily understands that. And having somebody in her world that is so self-confident about who he is, where he wants to go, who he wants to share his life with, and what he wants to do, I’m sure is incredibly unnerving for her.”
“Maybe unnerving, sure. But is that something I should avoid?” he asked. “I mean, is it something I need to change?”
“No,” she said immediately. “That would be sad for all of us if you did. You come from the heart in a way that most of us can’t even begin to imagine. The self-confidence that you exude is healthy, it’s healing, and it’s beautiful,” she added. “We all feel love coming from you. All of us, me, the rest of the staff, Dani, we all want you in our corner in life,” she murmured, with a smile in his direction.
“I think you just need to give Yvonne time to assimilate. Remember that these veterans are wounded, and their self-esteem and their self-identity has taken a hit. It may take her healing before her own confidence returns.”
Dennis eyed Ilse, then nodded slowly. “I was thinking time might be, in this case, one of the best things I could do for her. Yet I will admit it’s hard to wait.” He shook his head. “I just want to wrap her up and to make everything right in her world.”
“And yet you can’t do that,” she replied. “ Yvonne has to make everything right in her world. There are times when we can do everything for others and then times when we can do nothing, and it’s up to them to do what’s required,” she explained. “This is one of those times.”