3. Anxiety
CHAPTER 3
ANXIETY
Sadie
W ednesday is for my psychiatrist. Thursdays are for my therapist.
Two therapy sessions a week now that I was falling off the deep end.
Being depressed had been a part of my life for so long I knew how to handle it. Or at least I said I did. Masking was easy or ithad been but the past few months I had slumped into something that I couldn’t put in words. It wasn’t just that feeling that lingered below the surface, it was all consuming.
I was exhausted. A bone rotting deep sensation of just this heaviness filling me.
Reminding myself to shower and to brush my teeth were big asks of myself and sometimes I would cry doing basic tasks. If I was even able to complete them I had to lay down after just to feel like I could breathe again.
My bed had become my life. I lived out of it for everything that I could. It was like my charging station except the charge never really filled my broken battery.
I stopped enjoying everything and hyper fixated on the books I was reading to try and chase any joy that I could find. Escapism to places where people were happy was where I found myself looking for any sense of joy I could find.
I read 500 books in a year and still was just as empty as when I had started. Millions of words and I still had nothing to say. The joy was still missing.
So now, it was time for me to get medication because I couldn’t do this on my own anymore.
My normal therapist, Lola, had recommended someone and this was our second meeting together.
The first one we had talked about background and trauma for so long that actually getting me on anything had fallen to the wayside. The second appointment was supposed to really get down to it.
In my car, I talked to Ollie. We were chatting about what was going on. Explaining the panic attacks I had been having that kept me up even later. The way that I cracked my knuckles and ground my teeth. How I couldn’t always breathe. I talked about how I paced because my body needed to move to not freak out but the movement seemed to act like fuel to the anxiety fire. I told her about how my heart was beating so fast that it felt like it had moved to the base of my throat and was suffocating me.
And she gave me a plan.
She gave me hope.
She didn’t blame it on me being an omega. She didn’t say that my designation made my emotions more heightened. She didn’t act like this was just me being an overactive omega.
Though she mentioned maybe going to a cuddle club because I was probably touch starved and that always made omegas feel a bit out of whack. The way I looked at her when she suggested going out and mixing with my own designation made her stop.
She said we would add it to things that we would eventually work on.
Yet, she still looked at me like I was a person without just my designation as something that was causing my grief. She saw me as Sadie and wanted to help me .
And I just had to take the pills and do my normal therapy homework.
Not hard, right?
Felt impossible .
The call ended and I was left with a half hour of my lunch and this feeling that maybe I could get better if this worked. Maybe I could live in a world of color again and not just the grayscale I saw now.
Or maybe I could just throw myself off the Tobin and not have to deal with the feelings that I was having.
That seems like the best way to deal with it.
I’d have to gather up the energy to get my prescription after work. It was only across the street from my work. It could be doable. I just need to take a breath and make myself go there.
How hard could-
A knock on my window made me jump, freaking me out of my suicidal thoughts, and my frown danced across my face as I saw one of the guys standing there.
Him.
Chocolate cherries and coffee.
He was the shortest one at 6 '1 but he had that easy confidence, looking effortlessly handsome in his fitted hat with his dark hair still peaking out like it couldn’t be contained. The way he leaned down, all straight teeth that seemed like they belonged in a Colgate commercial beaming like they were the sun.
Black joggers with a matching hoodie and a few beads of sweat clung to him like he had just worked out. And now here he was knocking on my car window after I just had to deal with something I had been fighting for years.
Fricking Christ.
Rolling down the window, he took it as an invitation to stick his head in, arms folded on my driver's window and crowding my space. It made me instantly push towards the passenger seat, hating how he seemed so confident in my space.
The scent of him was strong. He had to have just worked out for his scent to be so heavy .
I swallowed, begging myself not to perfume as my thighs clamped together and the horror of him finding out what I was washed over me.
He sniffed, eyes blowing out as he stared at me for a second as I was sure he got hit by my scent.
Oh shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit .
I cleared my throat as he blinked, looking at me with blown out eyes he was trying to reign in.
He could smell me.
And if he could smell me then he knew that we were scent matched. Alpha’s notoriously acted insane when finding out they were with a scent matched omega.
Swallowing, he looked at me and tried to calm himself. I appreciated his control and it helped me not panic. Most alphas would spit out exactly what they were thinking and go all caveman with their declarations of ‘mine’.
This alpha was different and it scared me how calm he was.
“Hey, Sadie you on lunch?” My eyes rolled and his smile seemed to grow.
He was acting far too normal.
My eyes drifted to his hands, the way one resting on my window was forming a fist like he was trying to hold in some of the tension that he was feeling.
“I am having a rough afternoon. You sticking your head in my window and talking to me isn’t helping.” His smile faltered for a second as he took me in. The way he was looking at me like he was checking to make sure that I was physically okay surprised me.
His eyes went to the ice tea that I had and his lips pressed together.
“You okay? Did you eat? Can I take you to lunch?” His soft concern made me purse my lips as I shook my head and he nodded like he understood, “When I have a bad day I like to work out. I know that’s a cliche but I just like to put music on and push my body. It gives me control. ”
I had always wanted to be one of those people who worked out and felt better once they moved their bodies but going to the gym was uncomfortable. I was midsize, enough extra weight that when I went to a gym I felt like people stared at me. Even if it was only in my head it was hard to break that idea.
Thanks Anxiety, you bitch.
“Does it help?” My voice was small, it sounded desperate and I hated that.
Hated even more that I was still talking to this man. How he didn’t scare me as much as others.
“I mean, I look hot?” He said with a cocky smile but then he turned serious for a second, “But yeah. Taking the time to work on me feels good.” He pauses as I nod like I understand.
I mean, it makes sense.
It would be so nice to feel in control.
How often have I sought to get control in all the wrong ways?
It seems like everything is slipping away from me and I don’t know how to get control back without doing something that would get me sent away to an omega rehabilitation program.
The way that I used to try to feel in control was to carve little reminders that I was alive into my skin. Small little lines that show I was here and I could feel something.
But I can’t do that now. I can’t fall into these patterns again.
A few bad heats weren’t going to make me slip back like that. I can’t let anything bring me down.
“Do you want to come to the gym with me after work? You don’t even have to work out with me but it would be nice to just have that time for yourself.” His offer makes me look at him, wondering what the hell he wants with me. “We can have bro time and it gets you out of your house which breaks patterns.” He says it with that smile again and I roll my eyes.
But he’s so friendly that I can't even be really mad. And the way he mentioned breaking patterns makes me feel like he knows just a little bit about what he is talking about.
All of my socialization is virtual. So maybe trying something new will be good. A gym was also a public place so that I won’t be alone with him if I don’t feel safe.
“I don’t even know your name. And I don’t have workout clothes. Plus, I have an errand to run after work.” He shrugs his shoulders at me like none of that matters.
The blasé response, like it wasn’t a big deal about all these details, made me worried that I was inviting more crazy into my life than I should.
Everything was already spiraling out so much. I should just shut all of this down.
“I’m Anthony but everyone calls me Ant. And I asked if you wanted to come with me. Not all the reasons you think you can’t say yes.” I blink, looking at him wondering why out of all the people I had to almost fall in front of it had to be these men who seem to keep showing up.
Cam has been texting me since he found me online the first night. Right after I had fallen I had talked to Clarissa and gone to my bed to find a new follow request online.
I was good at talking to people without it being face to face. It eased a lot of my discomfort and set me at ease. As someone who was constantly a ball of anxiety, it was nice for things to be fun and easy through text.
Maybe I even liked the attention.
Jace was at the coffee shop every morning. He was always smiling and trying to talk to me. It had only been a couple days and no matter what time I was getting my coffee he was there.
He would try to talk to me about things or give me a pastry that he had bought for me. Trying to win me over with the sweet tooth that I had.
Now, Anthony was leaning into my car trying to have me go to the gym with him.
All these alphas are already surrounding me and making their way into my life without me even trying.
Worst of all, now that Anthony got my scent he knew that I was an omega.
I hadn’t wanted to find a pack. Didn’t want an alpha. Not after what I had seen and experienced with them growing up.
What do I want to do?
Go to bed. I want to go to frickin’ bed.
Not that I will sleep.
I’ll lay there in my depression safe space and push off doing things for another day.
I should go with Ant.
I want to do things.
Right ?
Yes.
Breaking patterns.
My therapist said my homework was to put myself out there more and this was doing that.
It also helped me avoid a stay at the omega rehab where I would be forced to rest and relax all while my scent was shown to registers pack who wanted a cookie cutter little omega to help.
I was not going to do that.
“How about this?” I look at him again and he gives me another one of those smiles that makes me feel warm on the inside.
How the hell is he so good at that?
My inner monologue is reminding me that Ted Bundy was an attractive man who lured women to their death by being charming. Good looks on a man were a sure sign I was going to die.
But I was also just thinking of killing myself so, like, maybe letting him do it would save me the trouble.
I should probably tell my therapist this shit.
“I’m going to drop off lunch for you in twenty minutes. If you want to go just say yes. I’ll get clothes for you to wear. And if you say no I will just show up and take you to a real lunch tomorrow.”
“I have an appointment tomorrow.” He nods his head in understanding.
“So I guess you’re going to say yes.” He stands straight. Tapping the driver's side window space with his big hand. Big hands mean- “See you soon, baby bro.” And he’s walking through the parking lot, sliding his headphones on and making me wonder if I just imagined that happening.
Lunch is over and I go back inside work, shaking off this weird feeling about these alphas who have popped up in my life.
It’s like they’re this sign and for some reason I keep looking at it without reading it.
My fingers tap at my desk, nervous energy coursing through me as I lick my lip before chewing at it. The anxiety attack that has been plaguing me for a few days rearing its ugly head again.
Oh no.
No. No. No.
Everyone is at lunch at this time of the afternoon, so it’s just me in the office. I have no one to bail me out for a five minute hand washing break that I need to get this under control.
I had just talked to Ollie about this.
About how I’ve been in a panic for days . How I can’t breathe because I can feel the stress eating away at me. I’m sleeping less, my hands are jittery, and I can’t breathe.
The bell at the counter rings and I look up, sure that there is panic on my face. I don’t even have the energy to hide it anymore.
Anthony’s face falls as I peek up over my desk, our eyes meeting.
“Come here, Sadie baby.” My feet shuffle as I stand, the counter between us, as Anthony grabs my arm softly. His fingers pressing to my wrist as he keeps eye contact with me, his thumb now rubbing over the pulsing point.
He lets out a soft growly purr, trying to keep it between us as he uses her purr to try and calm me down.
Well, he definitely knows that I’m an omega.
I’m embarrassed but I can’t calm down enough to stop the anxiety attack.
He’s pressing hard enough that it’s keeping me more centered and making me be in the moment instead of just falling deeper into my panic.
“Keep looking at me. You’re doing so good, Sadie. Ready? We’re going to breathe together. Watch me and just copy what I’m doing, baby.” He presses down on my wrist as he breathes deeply through his nose and then breathes it out his mouth, lifting his thumb when he breathes out.
His thumb presses to my wrist as I breathe through my nose, eyes on him as he lifts up his thumb signaling for me to breathe out now.
In and out.
In and out.
His head nods slightly, his thumb rubbing the pulsing point as I feel the way the jitters start to go back to the depths of my body. They hide in when they’re not front and center freak out mode. Staying in the shadows until they rush from me.
It hits me after a second. I feel better.
“So good, Sadie baby. You did so well.” His praise is like a hit of fresh air and I find myself letting my lips pull up at the corners at it. Breathing in the sweet comfort of his scent, wishing I could press my nose to his neck and breathe him in.
Can’t get close. Can’t let myself want this. Can’t want him.
“I’m going to give you the lunch I brought you now. It’s just yogurt with berries and granola. Drink the water. Okay? I’ll meet you in front of the gym at five tonight?” I nod my head as he squeezes my wrist so that I know I’m not alone.
He’s waiting for me to let him know I’m okay enough for him. To leave. I’m aware of it, looking into his eyes as I try to will myself to say that it’s okay. But it feels good that he is here and I’m not alone.
I work on another series of breaths as he watches, rubbing at my wrists in soothing circles, nodding his head like he just wants me to be okay.
“Thank you.” His smirk at my words makes me roll my eyes like he is an annoyance even though I’m not sure if I really want him to leave.
When was the last time I didn’t want to be alone?
“I didn’t say that I was going to meet you tonight.” Anthony shrugs as he steps back, his hands going into his pocket, eyes still on me.
He’s so confident but in a way that doesn’t come across as being arrogant.
“See you tonight, little bro. Eat your lunch and remember to breathe. Stay hydrated” And he steps out of the office, leaving me food and the scent of his cologne mixed with his scent.
I let him touch me.
And it was nice. And I was safe. And nothing bad happened.
Oh frick.
I wasn’t going to be able to escape these alpha-holes. At the rate this was going, I didn’t think I wanted to.
And that made me nervous all over again.