Zoinks! Nice Pack, Bro

18. Tolerate it

CHAPTER 18

TOLERATE IT

Sadie

M y head is between Anthony’s legs as he listens to Paxton try to explain to him how to braid hair. So far all he has managed to do is make a mess of my locks as I play video games with Cameron.

I like that he is taking it so seriously. His fingers keep working against my scalp, massaging out the braids that are just knots at this point as he starts again. His fingers ease a headache that has been hanging around behind my eyes.

Laying my cheek against Ant’s thigh, he stills where he has been braiding as he cups my jaw. His thumb runs over my lips as I playfully nip at it. The smile he gives me as I look up at him, his deep brown eyes sparkling as he rubs along my jaw, so soft and caring.

It’s comforting, reassuring and makes me breathe easier.

This situation is terrifying, but here is Anthony looking at me with such a calm presence that I am melting into him.

“You okay, little bro?” I hum, a slight nod of my head as Cam looks over at me, giving me a smile before his attention is back on the game.

Small glances like that, letting me know that even as other things happen that they’re there for me. That they care for me but they also trust each other with me. It’s overwhelming and feels insane.

Anthony wraps a finger around my hair as he gives me another smile. His phone starts buzzing and as he looks down I reach out, forgetting about the game as I hold his wrist looking down at the picture on his lock screen.

It’s us at the gym.

My eyes raise up to see him, the way he shrugs his shoulders, like it’s not a big deal that I’m there on his lock screen makes me smirk. He’s not embarrassed at me seeing it and I love that.

“I like looking at you, pretty girl.”

I’m climbing up on his lap, the game forgotten now. Wrapping my arms around him as his hand slides to my back, under my shirt because he always wants to feel my skin against his.

It’s so comforting and perfect.

I should be freaking out more. Maybe it’s the meds that are calming me down, letting me accept the blessings that are coming into my life without pushing them away from me.

My nose runs over Anthony’s neck as the sliding door opens and Jace walks in from outside. My eyes run over them as I watch Paxton carrying a tray of food, having let me and Ant have a second together. He is looking at the couch and he gives me a smirk that is all teasing and joy.

“No fooling around before dinner..”

“Yes, daddy.” Paxton’s eyes flame, shaking his head at me as I move off the couch, headed to where Jace is setting the table for us to eat at.

This is the first time that we are all eating in the house and it feels strange. It’s like we’ve done this before but at the same time there’s nerves in my stomach as Cameron and Anthony vault towards the food like lunatics. They’re grabbing plates and loading them before dropping down in the stools around the island.

There’s only four stools and Jace realizes this. He is moving to sit me on the stool beside Cam. He stands on the other side with Paxton, who is loading up a plate for me. The meat is already cut as he sets it in front of me.

Paxton has a look in his eyes as he hands me the plate, like he wants some sort of approval for cooking and I like that he has some vulnerability for once. He’s always so sure of himself and strong .

This has to be his alpha instincts trying to provide for me.

“Thank you, Pax.” He grunts in response, like the caveman he is and shoves a bite of his burger into his mouth as he leans against the counter. “Maybe I can cook this week.”

We all fall into easy conversation. Jace and Paxton keep adding more food to my plate as they talk about work, their latest development projects. They ask questions about work and my hobbies.

Anthony gets up to load the dishwasher, which Cameron informs him he is doing wrong and takes over.

I like seeing them like this.

The way the four alphas interact with each other. They tease and fall into each other, with old jokes and just this sense of family. And I want to fit in with them. I want to be part of this but it terrifies me.

What is this game? What if they get bored of me? What if we have sex and that was all they wanted? What if they want more and I get stuck in a nest like my mother?

Can I do just sex?

Yes .

Maybe I need to shift my mindset with all of this and put a little bit of distance.

I don’t need to talk to them about anything.

I can do everything on my own.

My fingers are counting against each other as I feel the way my blood feels like it’s speeding up inside my body. The heady rush that goes through me as anxiety takes over me. It’s like an override to my brain as it slams down the panic button. At the same time it’s forcing me to try and act natural, like nothing is wrong so I don’t alert anyone.

Is this where I take one of the benzos Ollie said could be taken to help me adapt to the medicine? Was I a drug addict for wanting to take one? Should I just wait to see if this all got worse?

Wait it out. See if I could fix this on my own.

This is where I fake yawn and stretch, saying that I’m ready for bed. I’ll call an Uber, stay in my own place and give myself distance from them.

Distance will be good. I can do whatever I need to do in my own space. Panic however I need to panic without anyone trying to fix it for me.

Here it goes.

Big stretch. Yawn . Rub my eyes.

“You tired, princess?” Paxton is looking at me as I lean against the counter, drooping my eyes as I nod my head. I’m faking a yawn again and rubbing my eyes.

My heart is beating a thousand beats a second. The anxiety ramped up so high I wonder if I’ll sleep at all tonight.

“Exhausted. I think I’m going to call an Uber and head home.” I’m already standing up, grabbing my phone but Paxton’s hand is on it, his eyes on me like he doesn’t understand why I would go home.

Shit .

“Darlin’, you have a room here. Why don’t you just go upstairs?”

I shake my head and look at Cameron who nods his head, coming over to wrap his arm around me. My back stiffens and I can feel the way he reads my energy, letting me go as he looks at me confused by how I’m acting

Oh no.

He thought he could calm me down but now I’m in a full panic from how he looks rejected by me.

All I am capable of is grieving those I can’t have.

This is all proof that I’m broken. I’m not meant to be with alphas. They deserve someone better.

“I’ll drive you home.” Cam says and I know the guys aren’t happy about it.

I had said that I would talk to them and now I’m running because it’s too much for me. He is already walking away from me as I go to grab my bag.

I need to escape.

Run. Run. Run.

Slipping as my anxiety attack hits full force now. The swish as my ears feel blocked and my heart starts racing. My fingers are tapping as I try to count but they’re sweaty and they're slipping as I keep losing track of what number I’m on.

One. Two. Two.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Diving into my purse, I pull open the orange bottle and slip the medication inside. I can’t wait for it to get worse. It’s already pretty friggin’ bad. I’m swallowing in my dry mouth just as the door opens and four sets of eyes are looking at me, curled on a floor with a bottle of pills in my hand.

“Sadie girl?” Jace’s voice sounds so far away even though he’s close. I can't even respond as I push my head to my knees, wrap myself up and just try to shrink away.

I want to go home.

I want to be in my bed.

Safe.

I want to be safe.

My mind's racing so quickly I can’t even cling to a thought before another one hits me and I’m groaning like I’m in physical pain.

Just breathe.

“They have her name on them. Did you know?” Someone’s voice breaks through and I feel a hand on my arm.

Jerking away I scream, so loud that everyone steps away from me and I feel the weight of their stares. The way they’re looking at me like they can finally see that I’m not good enough. I’m broken and not worth their time.

“Hey Princess, can you look at me?” My eyes are closed, my palms in my eyes as I try to think of ways to calm down.

Wash my hands with cold water. Take a cold shower. Go outside in the cold. Hear, see, feel three things. Breathe in and out.

I’m not worth their time.

Remember what happened last time someone said that they loved me?

No .

Please.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

“I’m leaving.” I’m pushing myself up, my legs wobbling like a baby deer as I take a shaking breath in. When did my lungs get so small?

The world is spinning, dizziness hitting me so hard as I try to get myself out of it. Needing to get myself the hell out of this.

I’ll order an Uber. I’ll wash my hands. I’ll-

Pushing past where Ant is standing I barely make it to the toilet. Hunched over, the wave of nausea surges through me, my mouth going hot as I throw up. My knees hit the tile floor, legs having given up on holding me as I throw my arm out to catch myself on the toilet so I don’t knock myself out.

My head rolls to the side as gentle hands pull my hair back, a curse so soft as Cameron takes the hair tie from his wrist to put it in a loose bun. He does a terrible job but it makes it so I won’t throw up in it. And he takes his hands off me so quickly, so I don’t feel like he’s crowding me.

I appreciate that he can read my cues.

Now that I know my pill isn’t going to kick in I have to just make it through this.

Which means I’m trapped.

Which sends me dry heaving over the toilet until bile burns my throat and makes its way up. I’m coughing and gagging as someone flushes the toilet. A cool cloth on my head as I’m pulled back. My head on a lap.

“Can I rub your head?” Jace asks but I shake my head. I’m barely holding on laying in his lap. The idea of someone touching me makes me want to throw up again.

My eyes squeeze closed at the nausea rising up.

I should have Irish good-byed. I could be home already. But instead I’m on the bathroom floor, my mouth tastes like puke, and my body is sending out an SOS signal that has me shaking uncontrollably.

What a way to spend a Saturday night.

“Sadie love.” My eyes open as I look at Cameron.

He is holding out mouthwash and a bottle of water. Pushing off Jace I take them both, standing up and brushing my teeth before taking a trembling sip of water.

It’s so quiet in the bathroom as I clean myself up, my body shaking as I try to take in deep breaths but failing.

Frick .

They think I’m a crazy omega. Broken. Not good enough for a pack .

“We need to talk.” Paxton’s voice makes me close my eyes, gripping the sink as I think about how everything is about to end before it even starts, “Do you want to talk in your room or downstairs, princess?” The use of my nickname makes me turn, looking as he watches me.

He doesn’t seem mad but there is concern on his face.

Taking a few steps towards him, Pax bends to meet me as I throw myself into his arms, holding onto him as he holds me. A minute later he is picking me up without thinking twice about it.

His touch is safe. I know this and can let myself melt into him without fear.

“I am so sorry.”

“Hey, shh. I have you. Let's get you comfortable.” Pax looks over my head, motioning everyone out as he moves into the bedroom. One hand under my ass and one wrapped around me to rub my back in soothing circles.

Everyone listens because it’s Pax and they know better than to fight him.

I always feel safe with Paxton. Even though he has this commanding presence it’s like my soul knows he isn't going to hurt me. Jace is the one who always seems to have a plan but it’s Paxton’s energy that makes me feel like he won’t take any shit and always keeps me safe in his presence.

Anthony is like that too. He is just more chaotic where I feel like he will keep me safe but I will probably need to bail him out of jail. Sometimes you need that though.

A few minutes later, dressed in yoga pants and one of Cameron’s hoodies, I’m on the couch between Pax and Cameron. All the guys are looking at me. They’re concerned about me with soft expressions like they don’t want to upset me.

They deserve an explanation but what can I say to them? I freaked out about them rejecting me despite the fact they have all been nothing but perfect to me? That would go over so well.

Anthony tugs my feet up from Cameron’s lap, pulling them into his; he needs to touch me in some way. His brown eyes checking me over again and the stab of regret for making them worry hits me again .

Why did I have to disappoint them already?

Paxton gets me a blanket to snuggle up in.

What am I going to tell them? How am I going to explain to them how I feel?

“Sadie, we were talking earlier and we decided we don’t want to do a month.” My eyes water at Pax’s words but I nod in understanding. After my meltdown I wouldn’t want to spend a month with me either.

I try to swallow, the rejection still stings.

“We want to court you for real. There is no need for an end date because we don’t want this to end.” Jace adds, bending down to cup my face. He must have seen the fear that was settling in there. “We want you to move in.”

My heart is hammering again. My Fitbit thinks that I’m having a heart attack or that I’m running a marathon.

Shout to anxiety for keeping my Fitbit stats so high.

“You want me to stay?” The shock is in my voice and I swallow around the thickness in my throat, “Are you sure?”

Because I need them to say it. I have this need to know I’m wanted. And even when they tell me I’m not sure I’ll believe them.

A snort comes from Ant, his fingers pressing into my arch as he continues rubbing my foot as if this is the most natural thing in the world like we had done it a thousand times before. But it’s Cam that speaks.

“Yeah, baby brat. We want you to be our omega. And we all want you to be around all the time. If you haven’t realized it yet, we're a little bit obsessed with you.” It’s so soft, his fingers intertwined with mine and coming from him I know that it takes a lot for him to open up.

Just like me.

My eyes are watering and I’m overwhelmed again.

They want me.

“Just spend the night. Sleep on it. Okay, princess? We can have brunch tomorrow and talk more.” Paxton brushes a finger down my cheek, “We’re going to watch a movie and relax now, okay?” The way he is checking in with me feels good.

It feels so frickin’ good.

“Okay.”