Chapter 29
twenty-nine
“Love?”
He chuckled. “Mmhmm.” He didn’t deny the word.
He only continued, “I will do whatever I can to make sure that Gina doesn’t get angry, Brielle.
But it sounds to me that you need to make your own choice even if it’s hard.
You deserve to have a life that is perfect for you.
Even if it makes things hard sometimes."
His soft brown eyes never left mine. “And we need to have fun while making those choices.”
And the last time I’d had fun was with him. On our first not-date. At the gift-wrapping table at the school fundraiser. Watching new television shows. Every time I was with him.
Once, I had been brave and maybe a little stupid to immediately go after what I wanted just a few years ago. Was I going to be brave again?
Brave enough for the both of us?
“Tell me, Brielle. Tell me what we are going to do. Because right now, all I want to do is kiss you and tell you that I love you again because it feels like the best thing I’ve ever said.”
I wanted him to do that too.
Josh went on. “I want to lay you down on this bed and take away any uncertain, scared thoughts you have and tell you everything is going to be all right. I’m going to make sure of it, and these days, I’ve been keeping my promises.
I’m also trying not to live with regrets, and I have a feeling that if you walk away again, Brielle, losing you will be the biggest regret of my life. ”
“What if Gina is angry? What if …”
“She’ll get over it,” he said. “Gina says she holds grudges, but really, we both know she has a limited attention span for it.”
She also had a soft heart. I mean, even the fact that we had somehow moved in together, like our plans from when we had been kids, said something, didn’t it?
On and off phone calls and checking in over the years, and yet still …
here we were. I had to have faith maybe she would understand.
Maybe it would all end up okay, and if it didn’t …
I thought losing Josh would be the biggest mistake I’d ever made, and I felt like I had been making a whole lot of those in the past year as I figured my life out on my own. And if this was another one?
So be it.
“I don’t want to lose you either, Josh,” I said. “Do you promise …”
“I promise.”
I sniffed a laugh. “You haven’t even heard what I was going to say.”
“I don’t care. My heart is going to give out at this rate, and I know whatever you say, I’ll want it back tenfold.
You want me to promise to take care of you?
Done. You want me to promise that this isn’t some phase or fun for me again?
Double done. You want me to promise to love you?
I have a good feeling that is already ingrained in stone, considering I’ve already been doing that for a long time now.
Longer than I want to admit. But it’s time for both of us to do things for us.
I promise I’ll help you with that too. Whether it is cooking or writing or whatever.
I promise to be there for you. Do you promise not to give up on me? ”
I took a deep breath, and it hung between us before I smiled. “I promise.”
Still holding my face, Josh brushed his lips over mine in a breath before they pressed down hard against mine.
Whatever kiss we’d had back at the apartment had nothing on this one. It was pure and strong, and I needed everything it gave me.
Because it made me know one thing.
This was real. And Josh and me?
The way he gripped on to me, hands smoothing down my body, reaching for the bottom of my sweater, told me he was on the exact same page as I was now. There was nothing to hold back. There was no reason to.
“I’ve loved you for a long time, Josh,” I said. “Don’t make me regret it.”
“I’ll spend every day making sure you don’t.”
Another kiss, another touch.
At some point, the sweater I had borrowed from Gina ended up on the floor, leaving me in my bright purple bra. The back of my legs hit the edge of the bed. Josh guided the way, and I was only wondering how we weren’t already on it as I lifted a knee to wrap around his hip.
“Are you sure?”
“Are you sure?” I asked right back. “Because I’m sure.
I’m done not being sure. I’ve never wanted anything more than you right now.
I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I want you, Josh.
In case I haven’t already spilled my entire heart open for you more than a couple of times, whatever happens, I’m going to choose you.
I don’t need any more dates. You’re it.”
I couldn’t help it. Even though I was breathless, I laughed.
Smiling right along with me, he nodded.
His hand reached up to cup the side of my face, and he kissed me hard again before breaking away. “I am sure. More than sure. I want you so bad, Brielle. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything.”
I took his thin sweater in my hands and pulled it over his head.
I went for his belt next.
He followed my lead with an easy swipe, releasing the hooks on my bra and the button on my suddenly-too-tight jeans. Air hit my chest, and my nipples hardened as he licked his lips.
“I’ve wanted you for a long time. And I’ve been patient. But please, if you have any mercy on my stupid self after all this time, don’t make me wait any longer.”
Twisting me so that I straddled his legs, he pulled me tight against him. I felt his length rub against me, and I gasped at the sensation. The rest of my body was in a state of shock still, thrilled and excited and unbelieving that this could possibly be happening.
My hands shook as I braced myself on his chest.
“Take me, Brielle,” he said. “Be the brave one between the two of us. You always have been.”
“Condom?”
He smiled. “Top drawer.”
He reached out, and the nightstand drawer opened with a creak much louder than either of us expected. He shuffled his hand around inside until he found a box that looked like it hadn’t been touched in a long time.
“Are those even still good? They look like they are from high school.”
Flipping the package around, he nodded. “Not that old. And success. Not expired. Thank God. Looking for a way out?”
I shook my head, reaching out to drag him back toward me by his belt loops. “Trying to make you move faster.”
Luckily, Josh didn’t struggle as he stripped me the rest of the way and let his own jeans fall to the floor with them. He opened the foil package and slipped the condom onto himself, letting my hands guide him.
He groaned, “I need all of you.”
“You’re going to have me.” I’m going to have you.
Would it be appropriate right now to say, Once and for all, finally?
Josh’s eyes locked with mine as he positioned himself between my legs. His gaze was intense as he let out a deep breath. He tenderly traced the contours of my face before leaning in to softly kiss me once more, his lips lingering gently on mine. “I don’t know how long I’m going to last with you.”
“I don’t care,” I whispered.
We didn’t need to be loud anymore. There was such little space between us, and the only noise I was focused on wasn’t the party downstairs, but the heavy thrum of Josh’s heartbeat in his chest, which I rested my hand over.
“I just want you.”
We kissed again like we were making up for all the days we had spent pretending our feelings weren’t what they were for each other—every year, day, hour, second—our breaths became shallow and irregular.
Whatever had happened in the days, weeks, or years to come, none of it could compare to this moment.
As Josh entered me, I cried out, even as he whispered in my ear, “God, you feel better than my dreams.”
I let out a deep moan, my hands immediately clutching on to his broad shoulders for support. He looked down at me with a mix of love and lust in his eyes. He was a sight, bare like this, perfectly fitting against me. I never wanted to forget it. Ever.
Our bodies moved against each other at a rapid pace, as we knew that right now was not the time for languidness.
That was for later. A good thing, considering I wasn’t sure if I could stand it slow and steady as the sensation of him inside of me felt like electricity, sending me higher with every movement that my hips rose to meet. I was dizzy with desire.
Josh gently brushed my hair, threading his fingers in it and sending shivers down my spine. “You’re so beautiful. So perfect for me.”
I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer.
“I love you too, Josh,” I whispered.
His eyes locked on to mine, and I saw a mix of emotions—love, passion, and was that the all-too-familiar hint of worry?
“Don’t look so scared,” I said, trying to lighten the mood. “I trust you.”
“I’m not scared. Not anymore” He paused for a moment, looking deep into my eyes. “I’m ready.”
“For what?”
“Everything, so long as I’m with you.”
I held him tighter as the weight of his words settled upon us. Our bodies continued to move fast and in unison, our breaths entwined. I felt like I was shocked into motion, taking as much as I could, until we both gasped. I tensed and cried out against his sharp moan.
“Josh.” I shuddered.
“I got you.” He breathed heavily, holding me through my peak until I was all the way back down with him again. “I got you.”