Chapter 10 #2
She was playing on the jungle gym with a few local kids, giggling and running around while Abbey and I sat on a nearby bench nursing some lukewarm coffees.
I wasn’t feeling any steadier, but there was a thought circulating in my head that I couldn’t shake off and I wanted to bring Abbey up to speed.
“I think I’m going to have to leave the tour,” I said quietly, hoping that my low volume would indicate to her that this wasn’t an outdoor voices kind of conversation.
I glanced over at her. She looked perfectly composed, her freshly dyed acid green fringe and matching pig tails falling around her pale face.
If she was shocked, it didn’t show. If anything, there was a knowing in her eyes that could’ve convinced me that Kelly had spoken to her but I knew hell would freeze over before Kelly would betray my confidence .
“Is it because you’re in love with Sebastian?” She asked, her voice pitched mercifully low.
“Yeah,” I nodded, taking a sip of my coffee. “I am. And I can’t do a damn thing about it.”
“I’ve seen enough romcoms to know that’s not true,” she snorted. “But life’s not like the movies, I guess.”
“Getting you out of LA has really done wonders,” I tried to crack a grin, nudging her with my shoulder so she knew I was joking. She leaned into it, resting her head on my shoulder.
“You have to protect your heart, Max. You can’t get over him if you’re around him all the time, if he’s such a big part of your life. There’s a reason I don’t stay friends with my exes.”
“I thought it was because they were all spectacularly shitty.”
“Well, that too,” she concurred. “I like Sebastian a lot. He seems like a great guy, despite being too hot to look at directly and insanely talented and super rich and very, very famous -”
“Abbey, you’re not helping.”
“But, I was getting to the but, give me a minute!”
“But,” I prompted her, waving my free hand to indicate she should continue .
“But, he’s engaged to someone else and he lives on the East Coast and he’s, you know, out. So far out it’s hard to imagine a closet big enough to hold him,” she grinned at me, pleased with her joke. I couldn’t help but smile back.
“And I’m not.”
“You don’t have to be, Max. You don’t owe anyone shit. I just want you to be happy, and healthy, and I don’t know if this is the best situation for you right now. There’s no shame in going home, getting back on steadier ground.”
I sighed, but not because I was disappointed.
I was relieved. I loved Abbey but I wasn’t sure if she’d get it.
She’d been having such a blast on tour. I was so glad it had been working out – Sebastian situation notwithstanding – because it had become clear to me that I could still have this, even with Sara in the picture.
She loved being on the road, and I knew that Abbey was a big part of that.
I didn’t want her to be disappointed in me.
“I haven’t told anyone yet. Kelly knows that things aren’t exactly peachy between Sebastian and me right now, but I haven’t spoken to the band about bowing out,” I told her. “So if we can keep this between us, for now.”
“Absolutely, boss man,” Abbey nodded, crossing her heart and looking solemn. “I’m here for you, Max. Whatever you need.”
“Wanna go tell Sebastian that I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore?” I asked, offering up a weak smile to show I was joking. Kind of.
“Oh, apart from that. You’re on your own with that one.”
◆◆◆
It took me more time than I would’ve liked, but on the last night of the UK leg of the door, I managed to catch Sebastian on his own.
“Can we talk?” I asked him, trying hard to ignore the way his skin was shimmering under the fluorescent lights backstage. He had about five minutes before he was due on stage, but he was ready to go.
His black hair was set in glitter dusted waves, curling around his pale ears before spilling down the tattooed sides of his neck like a splash of ink on an already half-finished masterpiece of canvas.
He hadn’t been lying about the body glitter, it was slathered across his carved collarbone, which was tastefully exposed by the loose, billowing black shirt he was wearing.
Even under the less than flattering backstage lights, he looked incredible. He swiped his tongue nervously across his lips, making them look shinier than before. I tore my eyes away, back up to his own steady gaze, and steeled myself.
“I’m about to go on stage,” he pointed out, glancing over his shoulder in the vague direction of the stage.
“I know, this’ll just take a minute,” I promised, grabbing his elbow so we could duck into one of the now empty dressing rooms.
He was grumbling under his breath but followed me in. I ducked by him to close the door behind us, I didn’t want this conversation to be overheard. Sebastian followed my every move, his eyes narrowed and arms crossed.
“What’s this about, Max?”
I pushed my hands through my hair, hoping I didn’t just make it look like I’d been electrocuted. Even just curling my fingers around his elbow made my skin tingle, the slightest point of contact leaving me energized and half-crazed.
“I’m sorry about what I said. Well, not about what I said. I was right,” I began, tripping over my words. His brow furrowed, his frown deepening as he looked at me.
“As far as apologies go, this is pretty shit.”
“I know,” I groaned, shaking my head in a desperate attempt to clear it. “Look, when I said we aren’t friends, I want you to know that it’s not because of you, alright? You’re…you haven’t done anything wrong, ok? This is my issue. My problem. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just wanted you to know.”
“I don’t understand,” he mumbled, his whole expression softening in the face of my terrible attempt at explaining myself. “Max, I think you’re overthinking this whole thing. Us being friends, it doesn’t mean I’m going to come by every Friday night for ice cream sundaes and sleepovers.”
“So what does it mean, Sebastian? Because I’m really fucking lost here,” I confessed, shoving my hands in my pockets to hide the tremble in my fingers.
“What we had, five years ago? It meant something to me. It means something to me. I don’t know what friendship looks like for us, honestly.
You were right when we said we were never friends, before.
But we could be. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but we’ve made progress on this tour, haven’t we? ”
“Yeah,” I nodded, not trusting myself to say more.
“We’re not mad at each other anymore. And if this is as far as it goes right now, that’s ok.
It’s still a step forward. And maybe once the tour’s done and everything’s settled down, we’ll be another step forward,” he shrugged gracefully, looking way more put together than I felt.
I was unravelling in the face of his compassion, his easy understanding.
“Maybe.”
“Ok, good talk,” he nodded his head and rolled his shoulders, shrugging into rock star mode. “I’ve got to go put on a show.”
He went for the door, looking back over his shoulder at me before he stepped out into the hallway.
The vulnerability in his eyes was shut down and firmly locked away.
I was in the presence of Sebastian fucking Jacobs, the world’s most exciting frontman.
It was easier to say goodbye to him than it was to say goodbye to just Sebastian, my Sebastian.
“Break a leg,” I said, flinging up a casual salute as he closed the door behind him. “Goodbye, Sebastian.”
◆◆◆
Saying goodbye to Sebastian was going to be the hardest part of leaving the tour, I was sure of it. That was probably why I went down the half-assed route of actually saying the words without explaining to him that my casual goodbye was actually an “I’m heading back to LA” goodbye.
The next step was telling my band mates. Given the serious conversations we’d had in the not-too-distant past, I was pretty sure they’d be ok with it but sometimes you don’t know how these things are gonna go until you’re in the thick of it.
So I called a band meeting, just me, Shep, Mira, Annabelle and Kelly. I knew Kelly would have my back and she’d also be able to answer any questions the band would have in regard to the logistics of the situation.
“Well this doesn’t feel ominous at all,” Annabelle joked as she perched on the arm of the dressing room couch.
“Everything ok, Max?” Shep asked as he dropped down on the couch beside Mira. I shared a glance with Kelly before replying.
“Yeah,” I nodded. “Uh, no. I’m going to drop out of the tour. I need to go home.”
The silence that fell over the room was so sudden, so heavy, that it felt like a physical force settling around my shoulders.
I resisted the urge to hunch in on myself, to duck my head so that I could hide behind my hair.
I watched them exchange knowing looks, trying desperately to read their expressions. They didn’t look mad.
“Ok then, let’s blow this pop stand,” Annabelle said, reaching over to squeeze my knee. “Wanna talk about it?”
“Not really,” I admitted on a shaky exhale. “Just…coming out and being around Sebastian again, it’s been a lot. A bit too much, honestly.” I shrugged. “I’m gonna go home, maybe get a therapist and unpack all my bullshit for once.”
Getting a therapist had been Kelly’s idea.
I hadn’t even really put up a fight when she suggested it.
I knew she was right. I’d been struggling for too long on my own, and even though I’d taken some real steps forward, it was clear I couldn’t handle everything alone.
I’d tried it and failed miserably, if the past five years had been anything to go by.
“Wow,” Mira’s eyes were glistening when she smiled at me. “That’s a big step, Max. I’m really proud of you.”
“We all are,” Shep added, clapping one of his massive hands to my shoulder. “We’re here for you, brother. Whatever you need.”
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak around the massive lump in my throat. I’d hoped they’d take it well but as always, they were surpassing my wildest expectations. Whatever I did in a past life to deserve such great friends and bandmates, it must’ve been really fucking good.
“Alright well, I’m going to get things rolling with the label to get you all home as soon as possible,” Kelly said, getting to her feet with the air of someone who had better shit to do than watch me have an emotional epiphany.
“Thanks, Kel,” I told her, hoping she could hear how much she meant it. Judging by the fond way she looked at me, I was pretty sure she got the message.
“No problem. But, Max? You have to be the one to tell Sebastian about this. I think he deserves to hear about this from you.”
“Oh shit,” Annabelle whistled as she hopped down from the arm of the couch. “Good luck with that, Max. Try not to pull a muscle with all the emoting, ok?”
Yeah, the gratitude I’d had just a few minutes earlier? Gone.
Oh shit was right.