Chapter 12 #2
So I cut my hair and weirdly enough, I did feel better.
Abbey kept raving about how nice it was to be able to see my “handsome face” and I had to admit, I did feel more confident going about my day-to-day life.
Confident enough that when Kelly suggested I do an interview with an LGBTQIA+ focused music zine called Pride Rocks , I said yes almost straight away.
“You don’t need to come out in the interview or anything,” Kelly assured me as we waited for her friend Mabel, who was going to be doing the interview, to show up at the house. “I just think it’ll be cool for you to connect with your community a little bit more.”
It sounded nice; connecting with other queer people who loved the same music I did.
Mabel was awesome – she looked like a real old school punk rocker, with a neon yellow mohawk and solid silver piercings all the way up both ear lobes.
But despite looking like she could break my neck with one perfectly timed stomp of her bulky, black leather boots, she was really warm and fun to talk to.
“There’s no secret that there can still be a lot of homophobia, transphobia, sexism and racism in the modern rock scene,” Mabel said, crossing her long legs at the ankle.
“Do you think it was challenging for some of your more close-minded fans, seeing you on tour with someone like Sebastian Jacobs?”
“I gotta say, if homophobic or transphobic or sexist or racist people come to our shows or listen to our band, they’re probably not really fans of us to begin with.
We’ve got two strong, talented women in our band.
Mira is a woman of color. Some members of our crew identify as queer.
I don’t really understand how they can listen to our music or come to our shows, support us, if they’re any of those things,” I shrugged.
“And if they are, I don’t want their money. I don’t want their support.”
“I know you haven’t been on the US leg of the Burning Bright tour, but there have been some anti-LGBTQIA+ protests at a few of their shows in the southern states,” Mabel pointed out with a sad frown. “Is that something that you were expecting?”
“I wasn’t,” I confessed, glancing at Kelly to confirm what Mabel was saying.
She gave a slow nod. “But that’s not something we would’ve stood for.
Who do these people think they are, anyway?
” I could feel a flush of anger burning its way up my neck as I spoke, but it was like a switch had flipped inside me and I couldn’t hold it back .
“Sebastian doesn’t go into these peoples’ homes or churches or whatever and disrespect them, or their views. Why do they think they can go to his venue, to his tour, and force their hate on him?”
“He seems to be taking it in stride,” Mabel said, pride gleaming in her eyes. I made a mental note to trawl the internet after our conversation – just to make sure he was ok, that he wasn’t shaken up by those assholes.
“He shouldn’t have to. Just because Sebastian is proud of who he is, just because he’s brave and willing to speak up for himself and others, it doesn’t give those people the right to seek him out for the sole purpose of tearing him down.”
“He gives a lot to the community,” Mabel nodded. “Especially for us bisexual folk. He’s a real beacon of light to us all.”
“Yeah,” I felt my mouth go dry. “He is. To me, as well. He was one of the first openly queer musicians I met, back in the day. He made me feel like one day, it might be alright for me to be myself without compromising being in a band and making the music I wanna make.”
I caught the knowing look Mabel and Kelly shared, brows quirking all over the place. I looked at them, looking at each other, pretty sure there was some sort of unspoken agreement being hashed out between them.
“Max,” Mabel turned back to me, her voice deliberately very even. “Are you saying, on the record, that you’re part of the LGBTQIA+ community?”
Kelly had left a bottle of water for me on the table so I reached for it, twisting the cap open with maybe a bit more force than necessary. I took a long drink of the water, glad it was still cold and by the time I put the bottle down, I felt a bit steadier.
“Well, I am gay,” I said, hoping I sounded more confident than I felt.
“I haven’t been out for very long, so I’m still learning a lot about the community and about what it means to be openly queer but I’m excited to embark on this chapter of my life, as the person I was meant to be.
Sebastian has been a big part of me taking that step, and I know he has been for other people as well. ”
“That’s really cool. You’re really cool, Max,” Mabel was smiling, soft and knowing at me. I could feel the weight of Kelly’s gaze on me, so I looked up to see her grinning at me like a proud mom. God, I wish she’d been my mom.
“Wait until you see me doing pre-school drop off in my Crocs,” I told her before taking another sip of water. “There’s nothing cool about it.”
◆◆◆
The edition of Pride Rocks with my interview came out online a couple of weeks later and Abbey took great joy in telling me that the internet supposedly exploded.
I don’t really look at comments about me or my band as a rule, but Abbey assured me it was mostly very positive.
She sat me down after dinner one Thursday night, after Sara had gone to bed, to read me out some of the most touching comments – people who shared my experiences, people who said I gave them hope.
It made my heart swell, until it felt like it was too big for my ribs. I kind of felt like I couldn’t breathe, hearing how I made people feel braver, or more comfortable in their skin. Just like Sebastian had done for me.
“I’m really proud of you, Max,” Abbey told me, her eyes watering. She squeezed my hand and I squeezed back, grateful that she was there with me. “You’ve come such a long way.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled, missing my long hair in that moment. Without it to hide behind, all I could do was look her in the eye .
“Burning Bright are going to be in LA next week. Mira’s going to be there and she said she could put us all on the guest list, if you want to go.”
“Abbey…” I shook my head. “I dunno if Sebastian would want to see me.”
She tutted under her breath, tapping away at the tablet. When she handed it to me, there was a video of Burning Bright on the screen. I looked up at to her, frowning, as she leaned over me and hit the “play” button.
I recognized the set up as a studio for a radio station in Utah.
They did this segment with touring artists, where they’d come in for an interview and then they’d play a couple of songs live.
The mini set usually included a cover version of a song the band loved.
Reliant had done it before, covering My Chemical Romance’s “Sleep”.
Sebastian looked incredible, as always, in an emerald green cotton tee, fitted black jeans and boots that had buckles all the way up his calves.
His hair was longer than it had been, the last time I saw him, falling around his face in delicate waves.
He sang with his eyes closed, showing off an artful smudge of glittery silvery eyeshadow swept across his lids.
They were performing U2’s “With or Without You”.
I knew the song well – one of the first nights that Sebastian and I had hooked up on that first tour, we’d all gone out drinking at a local karaoke bar.
He’d been well on his way to being wasted but he’d gone up to sing anyway, because there was nothing he loved more than performing, and that was the song he’d chosen – “With or Without You”.
Watching him sing it then, in that little dive bar, it had felt like time stopped.
There was nothing in the world but me, and him, and his voice and that song.
It had made me realize that there was nothing I wanted more than to be with him, in whatever way I could have him.
He’d flirted with me from the stage, fluttering his long dark lashes.
He wasn’t flirting this time. He swayed with the microphone in his hands, the long cord wrapped around his left arm, hitting every note with the greatest of ease.
His voice had never sounded better – I couldn’t help the pang of jealousy I felt at the sound of him making it all sound so easy – but in spite of how effortlessly he was singing the song, I could tell he was hurting.
It radiated from the screen, from the furrow in his brow and the hitch in his breath.
“He wants to see you, Max,” Abbey said softly as the video finished. My throat was aching with the tears I was holding back. I wasn’t even sure if I could speak, let alone argue the point with her.
“I’ll call Mira,” I said, after finally swallowing down my tears. “I’ll get us on the list.”
◆◆◆
I should’ve known that things were going too well.
I was feeling better, steadier on my feet.
I was out, finally, and the world didn’t end.
Sara was happy, my band was sounding better than ever, the sales on our new album were outperforming everything we’d put out before – and I was going to see Sebastian.
Burning Bright were due to get to LA the day before their show, but I’d already decided I’d wait until the day of the show to go see Sebastian. I needed another day to get myself together, to try and figure out what I was going to say to him.
It was just like any other Thursday. I helped Abbey with Sara’s school drop off, then spent the day at the practice space with Shep and Annabelle.
We missed Mira at the practices, but we were getting by.
She’d been calling every day during practice time, set up in the lounge of the bus she was sharing with Jet, practicing with us over Zoom.
It was an odd set up, but it worked. We were making it work.
The band hadn’t made it to LA yet so we were doing another Zoom practice but we made arrangements for Mira to swing by the practice space the next day for a good old fashioned full band jam.
Sara and I spent an hour or so working on her ukulele playing – we were both picking it up – while Abbey made dinner.
We all ate together, sitting out at the table by the pool, enjoying the last of the day’s sunshine.
The fading daylight glinted off the water, Sara’s happy laughter echoing around the back yard.
Despite the itch of anticipation under my skin that I knew was because I was seeing Sebastian the next day, I felt content.
Happy, even, with my friends a phone call away and my little family around me, with Sebastian on the way.
Sara had gone to bed easy enough. I was settled on the couch with a beer and a bowl of popcorn while Abbey opened a bottle of wine.
We were planning on watching a movie, so I wasn’t really paying attention to the news show on the TV.
I was scrolling on my phone, waiting for Abbey to come wandering into the living room.
“We have some breaking news from LA this evening,” the newsreader said, her pretty face solemn as she looked into the camera. “There’s been an accident on the I405, involving some of the tour buses for popular rock band Burning Bright. ”
The panic that descended over me was suffocating. In my head, I knew I should call out for Abbey, get her attention somehow because there was a ringing in my ears that made it difficult for me to understand what the newsreader was saying. But I couldn’t do it, couldn’t breathe, let alone speak.
“It appears the buses were involved in a serious collision with a drunk driver. The I405 is currently closed while the casualties are evacuated to Cedars Sinai. First responders are on the scene. Some outlets are reporting that there has been a fatality…”
“Max –”
The newsreader was pressing her fingers against her earpiece, her frown deepening. My lungs were burning so I forced myself to drag in a breath but it didn’t help.
“Some outlets are reporting that Burning Bright frontman Sebastian Jacobs, aged 27, has died in the crash, but we’ve been unable to verify the news at this time.”
“Max!”
Abbey was shaking me, mascara-stained tears streaking down her pale face. She gripped both of my shoulders hard, giving me another shake. Her phone was on the coffee table, the screen lit with Shep’s name .
“Mira has texted Shep, she’s ok – everyone is being taken to Cedars.”
“Sebastian,” I whispered, my voice cracking. “They said…”
“Shep is going to be here in a few minutes, he’s going to take you to Cedars. Max, do you understand what I’m saying?”
I had to force my eyes to focus on her, on her stricken face. Her eyes darted across my face, like she was trying to tell if I could hear her. The ringing in my ears was dissipating but I still felt like there was a metal band tightening around my chest, keeping me from taking a deep breath.
“Mira’s ok,” I repeated, my tongue feeling thick in my mouth. “Shep is coming to take me to the hospital.”
“That’s right,” Abbey nodded. “I’m going to stay here and look after Sara, alright?”
“They said…Sebastian…”
“No one knows about Sebastian,” she said firmly. “That’s why Shep is going to take you to the hospital, to go be with the others until we figure out what’s going on.”
“I wanna be with Sebastian,” I told her. I squeezed my eyes shut, like I could shut out the world if I didn’t look at it. I could feel hot tears spilling free, down my quivering cheeks as I fought to keep a sob from tearing out of my chest.
“I know,” Abbey murmured, swiping at my tears with her thumbs. “You go get him, ok? Sara and me will be waiting for you when you get back. We’ll be here, no matter what.”
No matter what.
Shep’s car horn honked outside a minute later and Abbey pulled me to my feet.
I tried to put one foot in front of the other but I couldn’t seem to figure it out.
It was like I was buried somewhere inside my own body, the panic and the grief and the fear of losing Sebastian pressing down on me until I could barely function.
She practically dragged me to the door. Shep was dashing up my front steps and he took over with a knowing nod, holding tightly to my arm as he led me down the stairs and into the passenger seat of his fancy electric car.
“We’re going to figure this out, Max, I promise.”
I could only nod as he pulled the car out.