Chapter 6 #2
“It’s alright, I guess,” Jeremy says. “Honestly, I haven’t had an audience in four years. I was hoping I’d never have to get used to that again.”
“I hardly count as an audience,” he says, hoping that not mentioning how much he was enjoying watching Jeremy skate yields better results.
“Anyone other than Rose counts as an audience.”
“What about Allison? Does she get to watch you skate?”
Jeremy shrugs and braces himself against the half wall as he slips a blade guard on. “Not like this, no.”
“Then I guess I should consider myself privileged.” With one arm wrapped around Henry, Sergio rises to his feet and offers his free hand to Jeremy to help him step off the ice.
Jeremy takes it. “Where’s Holden? I figured he’d grab Henry.”
“I told him I wanted to do it instead.” Sergio pauses as Jeremy places a guard on his other blade.
“What for?”
“I wanted to take a moment and apologize to you for yesterday.”
Jeremy tries to brush him off. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Well, I have been worrying about it. All day, in fact. And I want you to know that I’m sorry.”
Jeremy looks at him with his head cocked slightly to the side and his brows pinched together. “Are you?”
Even after days of experience, he’s still not prepared for Jeremy’s skepticism.
He tries not to show his frustration on his face.
After all, it’s not Jeremy’s fault that he keeps living the same day over and over and over again.
And even though he’s been trying and failing to do this for several days now, it’s not as if Jeremy knows that.
Nor does he even want to try to explain it to him.
Nothing ruins an apology more than an unhinged proclamation of living in a torturous time loop as an excuse for unacceptable behavior.
“I really am,” he says sincerely and feels his stomach make a small leap when Jeremy flashes a shy and nervous smile at him.
His cheeks are still flushed from the cold and his exertion on the ice.
It’s a smile so similar to the one Sergio saw flit across Jeremy’s face the moment they broke their kiss, right before Jeremy asked Sergio if they could put a pin in what they were doing until after the Olympics.
It makes him want to go back in time—not to yesterday, but to that very moment.
The day he screwed up. This stupid time loop is keeping him trapped in correcting the wrong mistake.
But perhaps he can fix it now. “And I’m sorry for ditching you four years ago. I shouldn’t have done that.”
The smile leaves Jeremy’s face, and he tugs at his left eye. “It was for the best,” he says, sighing.
“I don’t think that it was.”
“Why?” Jeremy asks, his expression blank, his tone flat.
At least this time he’s not yelling at me.
“Would it have made a difference anyway? Would you have come to my hospital bedside and held my hand after I collapsed from that migraine? Would you have helped me stand up when I woke up from it and my right foot no longer worked as it was supposed to and my back ached and refused to straighten with ease, making me hunch like a rigid old man? When I was released from the hospital and shipped back to the states, would you have taken me to endless physical therapy appointments and rehab only so I could function as a shadow of myself?”
Sergio stands with his mouth agape, almost forgetting Henry latched onto his hip. How did Sergio end up here again? Why is Jeremy so hellbent on having this conversation during his apology? And why does he doubt him so much? Is it that hard to take Sergio’s words today at face value?
Truth is, Jeremy is right. Sergio wouldn’t have handled what happened to Jeremy well at all.
In fact, he would have made it worse with his chronic selfishness and inability to see any situation outside of how it affects him.
However, fate and time have a funny way of forcing someone to learn the lessons they need to, no matter how painful the experience.
Learning how to consider others beyond his own needs is a long and arduous process.
He’s simply going to have to take it day by repeated day.
“I thought Henry was my only audience.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude.”
“It’s alright, I guess. Honestly, I haven’t had an audience in four years. I was hoping I’d never have to get used to that again.”
“I hardly count as an audience.”
“Where’s Holden? I figured he’d grab Henry.”
“I told him I wanted to do it instead.”
“What for?”
“I wanted to apologize to you for yesterday.”
“I owe you an apology.”
“I shouldn’t have said what I said last night.”
“I wanted to tell you that I was sorry.”
Sergio takes a breath. Maybe the fourteenth time be the charm. “I need to apologize to you for yesterday.”
Jeremy looks him up and down. “Go on,” he encourages.
“I’m sorry.”
“Are you?” Jeremy asks for what feels like the one hundredth time. But who’s counting?
Feeling defeated and frustrated yet again, Sergio pushes on. “I am,” he says, this time leaving out any mention of the past and trying to focus only on his current mistakes in Jeremy’s present.
“No offense, but I’m not exactly keen to believe you.”
Goddamn it. How hard is it to get someone to accept an apology?
The honest answer when it comes to Sergio is very hard. But, as he’s slowly figuring out, when it comes to forgiveness, saying sorry is hardly ever enough. A person needs to show they mean the words. They need to back it up. Cash the metaphorical check their mouth wrote with their actions.
No one wants an empty apology. Or one made under duress. Even if that duress is an endless loop of tries.
“I thought Henry was my only audience,” Jeremy says as he spots Sergio sitting on the rink’s ledge with Henry on his lap once again. He slows in his tracks, gracefully dropping his arms to his sides, and coming to a stop a few feet away, blushing.
“Sorry,” Sergio says. “I should have announced myself.”
“It’s alright, I guess. Honestly, I haven’t had an audience in four years. I was kind of hoping I’d never have to get used to it again.”
“I hardly count as an audience,” Sergio says, then having an epiphany and finally remembering what he promised Jeremy years ago before he watched him on the ice the first time at the Olympic practice rink, he adds, “Besides, I followed your request and didn’t bring my camera.”
Jeremy flashes him a genuine smile that causes Sergio’s stomach to flip. Come on, Sergio, you can do this.
“I can’t believe you remember that.”
“Of course, I remember. And you were right to request it. It was a real treat to watch you skate without the barrier of the lens.” Feeling bold that this little twist to the conversation hasn’t led to him being shut out yet, Sergio takes a risk.
“And I’m glad I don’t have it with me this time, either. ”
“Even if you did,” Jeremy says, giving a soft shake to his head, “no one would be asking you for the prints.”
“That’s not true. You were made for the ice.”
Jeremy averts his gaze and braces himself against the half wall as he slides a blade guard on. “Maybe before,” he says, his chin tucked towards his chest. “But not so much anymore.”
With one arm wrapped around Henry, Sergio rises to his feet and offers his free hand to Jeremy to help him step off the ice. “You’ll probably tell me you’re out there playing around—”
“I am,” Jeremy interrupts before Sergio can finish voicing his praise. He doesn’t let that stop him.
“I know. And that’s what makes you so beautiful to watch.” Sergio pauses as Jeremy places a guard on his other blade, giving him time to steady himself again and face Sergio directly. “You look … free.”
Jeremy tilts his head, giving Sergio a contemplative look. “I guess I am,” he says and holds Sergio’s gaze, even while tugging at his left eye.
Together, they share a moment of silence, standing and staring at each other while Henry looks back and forth between them like he’s watching a tennis match and waiting for one of them to make a match set point.
Sergio lets go of Jeremy’s hand, then reaches to cup Jeremy’s cheek. He runs his thumb across his cheekbone and waits for Jeremy to pull away. He doesn’t.
Sergio leans in, placing the gentlest of kisses on Jeremy’s lips. Gentler than any kiss he’s ever placed on Jeremy’s or anyone else’s lips for that matter, worried that anything too fierce will burst this first moment of perfection Sergio has experienced in he no longer even knows how many days.
He holds his breath, waiting for Jeremy to respond. When Jeremy opens his mouth slightly and kisses him back, it takes all of his strength not to drop Henry and scream out in joy.