Chapter 17 - Morning Mood
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Morning Mood
Quietly, Leaf slipped into his dark room and retrieved the electric guitar from under the bed. Sitting cross-legged on the floor, the instrument resting on his lap, he tapped with his fingers over the frets. With his right hand, he muted the strings, ensuring no sound escaped outside.
As his fingers moved faster and faster, sliding up and down the neck and distorting the strings, he leaned closer to the guitar, losing himself in the soft notes.
They calmed him and took his mind to a different place.
With his eyes closed, he swayed to the music.
Everything around him disappeared, and even the nasty pain in his left hand felt good.
The door to the room burst open, and Leaf jerked in shock. A hand grabbed him by the arm and yanked him up. The guitar clattered to the ground as he was shoved against the doorframe, hitting his head. Leaf tried to ignore the pain and touched his split lip.
“Didn’t I tell you to stop that!” his father yelled. “Look at me when I’m talking to you!”
Dazed, Leaf looked up, his heart racing. Everything around him was shrouded in thick fog. Even his father appeared blurred.
“You want your guitar?” His father snatched the instrument by the neck and struck Leaf with it. “I’ll give you your guitar!”
Half-conscious, Leaf collapsed and endured the blows until the neck broke from the rest of the guitar.
“I should have done this to your mother when she was pregnant with you!
“Please,” Leaf gasped. “Stop!”
Like a madman, the father punched him in the face.
When Leaf regained consciousness, he was lying in the bathroom. His head throbbed as the father lifted him up by the collar. That’s it, he thought. Over and done.
Then suddenly the doorbell rang.
“Don’t you move, understood?”
Trembling, Leaf crawled into the corner. It was dark, and he could hear voices coming from the front door.
“Hello, Bob.”
“Hi, Dave.”
“Sorry to disturb you, but the neighbors complained about the noise. Is everything alright with you guys?”
“Of course, everything’s fine.”
Silence.
“Are you home alone?”
“Yes. I might have been watching TV a bit too loudly.”
“Where’s your boy?”
“With friends.”
Silence.
“Take it down a notch. Okay?”
“Of course.”
“And everything’s really okay?”
“Yes, no need to worry.”
Silence.
“Okay then. I’ll head off. See you tomorrow at the station.”
“You’re on night shift?”
“Yeah.”
“Take care then, Dave.”
“Goodnight, Bob.”
Shivering, Leaf clutched his legs and tried to ignore the pain in his back. The door burst open, and the light came on. His father grabbed him by the neck. Leaf squirmed and slowly rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t escape the chokehold.
“Look at me, you damned piece of shit!” his father growled, loosening his grip.
Leaf coughed and gasped for air. He forced himself to open his eyes.
“If you breathe a word about this at school, I’ll kill you. Do you understand?”
Leaf snapped his eyes open and jolted upright.
His heart was racing, and his muscles felt like they were on fire.
Sweating heavily, he sat in bed, still wearing his jeans.
A sharp pain pulsed in his head, and a queasy feeling spread in his stomach.
Exhausted, he fell back onto the pillow and covered his face with both hands.
They need to disappear. Silence. Numbness. Emptiness. Please.
Just then, someone touched his arm, and he flinched. “The dreams again?” Tristan asked.
Leaf sharply sucked in air, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes.
“Where are you?”
Questions like these were always a sign to him that the conversation was about to veer in the wrong direction. So he cleared his throat and took a deep breath. “I’m right here.”
“No, you’re not.”
A sadness in Tristan’s whisper caused Leaf even more pain.
The stabbing sensation between his eyes radiated to the back of his head, and he felt feverish.
Restlessly, he sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his face.
Then he reached for the cigarettes. Memories from back then, the beatings, the brown belt, the golden buckle, pounded in his head, and he felt the torn skin on his back.
The pressure inside him rose, the memories choking him. Staggering, he dragged himself to the living room. The right mix was needed. With trembling hands, he prepared two lines and snorted them.
Finally, the pain dissolved, and peace took its place. His self-esteem returned to balance. The memories were banished. He even felt light as he stepped onto the balcony and looked into the treetops.
Everything stood still. No wind, no comforting rustle. Only the oppressive heat, paralyzing everything like a potent drug.
The sound of the shower drifted from the bedroom. Thinking about seeing Tristan naked made him even hotter. Warmth surged into his core, causing his cock to swell. His tight jeans were no help and only made things worse. How often had he followed Tristan into the shower without a second thought?
Why couldn’t he go to him now?
He quickly reminded himself of the self-imposed prohibition. While he was glad that his desire for Tristan still lingered, he felt he didn’t deserve to act on it.
He wandered into the kitchen looking for a lighter. It wasn’t a total pigsty, but it definitely wasn’t clean either. He grabbed a glass from the shelf, filled it with water, then flicked the lighter and lit his cigarette.
Leaning against the kitchen counter, he smoked. His thoughts were jumbled, and he didn’t even try to organize them. At least his erection was gone. When Diego appeared in his mind’s eye, he knew what he had to do.
He headed straight to the living room. Amidst the drugs and empty beer bottles, his phone lay waiting.
He checked his messages, then returned to the kitchen, still smoking.
Of course, Diego hadn’t contacted him, but Leaf wouldn’t give up until he found him.
So, he sent another text. As he tapped ash into the sink and took a deep drag of his cigarette, he also checked the chat history with Ariana.
At least the two ticks confirmed she had read his message.
“Leaf? Are you there?” he heard someone call. Footsteps echoed on the deck outside, and moments later, Andrej appeared in the open patio door. “Hi! Is Tristan here? I was upstairs with him, but he’s not there.”
Leaf nodded, and Andrej let himself in, coming into the kitchen.
“You look a bit pale, man,” Andrej observed, surveying the chaos with raised eyebrows. As he strolled casually into the living room, Leaf followed him and nearly bumped into him. Andrej had unexpectedly stopped, staring at the supplies in shock.
“What the hell, Leaf? Are you already out of it? It’s noon, for God’s sake!”
“Stop it,” Leaf remarked quietly. “This isn’t …”
“What? Not what it looks like?” Andrej exclaimed. “Get it together already. This is unbearable!”
Leaf couldn’t find the right words. He raised his hand and noticed his cigarette had burned down. Feeling defeated, he shook his head.
If what José had told him yesterday was true, Andrej was definitely the wrong person to talk to about drugs. But Andrej suddenly sighed and took a step toward him.
“Leaf. We’re going on tour,” he said in an admonishing voice. “Don’t screw this up!”
Letting out an irritated sigh, Leaf returned to the kitchen to stub out his cigarette in an empty food container.
“What’s your problem?” Andrej demanded, following him. “I don’t always feel great either, but I don’t get wasted every day because of it.”
Leaf gripped the sink with both hands and gritted his teeth. He had just gotten himself back on track with drugs. “Why won’t you leave me alone?”
Andrej grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him around. He held Leaf by both arms and shook him. “Stop it already! I don’t know what you’re blaming yourself for or punishing yourself for, but … Stop. It.”
Leaf’s muscles tensed as Andrej’s grip seared against his bare skin, the heat feeling like his blood was about to boil over.
With a surge of strength, he shoved Andrej away, sending the bassist stumbling backward into the fridge.
Leaf’s breath hitched, his trembling hand clenching into a fist as he fixed his gaze on him.
“Leaf.”
“No! You stop! I got this!”
“You’re just fooling yourself,” Andrej retorted. “This shit here doesn’t justify anything. Plus, you’re not just ruining yourself, but the whole band!”
Leaf growled and took a step toward Andrej. “You can wait by your car. Get out of my sight. Get out!”