Chapter 25 - Rehearsal
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Rehearsal
Fuming, Leaf slammed his fists against the steering wheel and squeezed his eyes shut.
How did it come to this? He shouldn’t have gone to Nathan’s in the first place.
But that inner demon had been convincing him since Milo’s death that there was only one solution to all his problems. Even though Leaf knew very well that this was the biggest lie of all, his resistance had crumbled yesterday.
As if all the energy to stay on the right path had been exhausted, the monster inside him had taken control and led him astray.
Everything had been going so well. He and Tristan had managed to conquer the vast ocean that had been between them since his return.
They had sex all afternoon, said things to each other that he wanted to hold on to.
Things he wanted to believe. It was this demon inside him that had whispered to him that Tristan had grown distant from him.
Yet it was he himself who had built such thick walls around him that Tristan couldn’t break through.
A damn radio host had to come and hurt his beloved to remind Leaf how important Tristan was to him. How well he knew him and knew what those questions would do to him.
I was normal yesterday. I did the right thing.
And yet I gave in to weakness.
With trembling hands, he lit a cigarette and blew out the smoke.
He just couldn’t get out of the car. José’s Ford was in front of him, and Andrej’s Lincoln was two vehicles ahead.
Since there was no sign of Milo’s Chevelle anywhere, and muffled music and singing drifted from the Gaucho, it seemed likely one of them had picked up Tristan.
Leaf still could hardly believe he had woken up again on Nathan’s couch.
But last night, the heroin had drowned all the monsters and shrouded him like a protective blanket.
He had felt safer than he had in a long time.
When he realized this morning that he had even forgotten the wonderful afternoon with Tristan for a while, he would have given anything to turn back time and kick himself in the ass.
Instead of going straight to Tristan, he had taken a shot and until recently had been doped up, lying on Nathan’s couch.
As he drove toward downtown, his thoughts spiraled out of control.
He would have preferred to keep driving.
It would have been best if he had left the state altogether.
He wanted to forget, but the punctures on his left arm wouldn’t allow it.
It had been too good, and his body was already craving the next shot.
This is not good. Not good at all.
And now he stood here in front of the rehearsal room, still coming down, and knowing he had failed. Angry, he clenched his hands into fists and hit the steering wheel again.
Focus!
But what awaited him inside?
Understanding? Hardly.
Sympathy? He didn’t need it.
He took a sip of water, tossed the bottle onto the passenger seat, and then leaned back, eyes closed, taking a deep breath.
Tris is in there.
Maybe he can help me.
Even though I don’t deserve his help.
After the last tour, it was solely thanks to Tristan that he could give up cocaine.
Tristan hadn’t let him out of his sight, driven him to the groups, and stood by him when he couldn’t take it anymore.
They had talked for hours, written songs, watched movies …
Milo had often come by and cooked for them.
It was a one-time mistake. Nothing more.
That was the only thing Leaf could still hold on to, the only thing that gave him hope that not everything was lost.
And now go in there!
Leaf pushed himself and stepped out of the car.
Just get yourself together, and everything will be fine.
They were in the middle of a song when he entered the rehearsal room.
Tristan stopped singing and smiled at him. Andrej glanced over his shoulder, eyebrows raised in surprise, while José finished the beat. Leaf had never felt so foreign within his own walls, as if he didn’t have permission to be here.
“Hi,” Tristan whispered, his voice echoing through the PA, sending a chill down Leaf’s spine.
He placed his wallet and phone on the small table, where he noticed the ripped bag from Valerie’s.
“There’s still a sandwich left for you,” Tristan said, this time turning away from the microphone.
“Thanks.”
What have I done to deserve this?
But his stomach was screaming for something edible, so he unwrapped it and took a bite. When he turned to the guys, Tristan appeared in front of him, his dark eyes filled with longing. Leaf paused in chewing, attempting to break free from his gaze but unable to do so.
“I don’t blame you,” Tristan whispered, so only he could hear. “Not in this matter. Never.”
Leaf’s pulse shot up, and the guilt made itself felt again. He had left Tristan alone after a beautiful afternoon, just to do what?
Tristan gave him a kiss and he retrieved his guitar before heading back to the others.
Leaf took another bite, then sat down on the couch with his Gibson to tune it.
While doing so, he finished the sandwich.
He slung the guitar over his shoulder, walked over to the amp, and plugged it in.
It was only then that he noticed the others waiting for him.
“Sorry,” he muttered and struck a chord to check the volume. He hastily adjusted the knob a bit more, then took his place.
Tristan stood by the microphone stand, dressed in black jeans and a loosely fitted black shirt, watching him with gentle eyes. His joy at Leaf finally showing up was practically palpable. But beyond that relief, Tristan’s very presence provided Leaf with the courage he needed.
“Where were you?” Andrej demanded.
Leaf tried to ignore him, shaking his head. Surely, Andrej didn’t want to hear what he had been up to for the past twelve hours. Leaf knew himself that he had screwed up, but it couldn’t be changed at that moment.
“Leaf, it seems like you don’t get what we’re doing here.”
With his eyes on the floor, Leaf pressed his lips together and composed himself. He then straightened up to his full height. Andrej had approached him, but Leaf was a bit taller and now looked down on him. “Please, just leave me alone.”
Frustrated, Andrej knitted his brow. “We have a world tour coming up. Not to mention we have a gig the day after tomorrow.”
“Do you think I don’t know that?” Leaf cried out. “You make sure nobody forgets it! I’ve got this! Let’s just play already.”
Whether that was the case would soon be revealed, but he didn’t feel like arguing with Andrej any longer. As he turned away, he noticed a new setlist on the floor.
“Let’s start over,” Tristan decided, setting the guitar aside.
Leaf showed nothing—no anger toward Andrej, no guilt, and no longing for Tristan.
The kiss had already unsettled him, conflicting with the punishment he had imposed on himself.
None of yesterday afternoon did, but the time with Tristan had been too memorable for him to feel bad about it.
His time at Nathan’s was currently tearing him apart.
Bowing his head in remorse, he let his hair fall like a curtain, shielding him from the world outside, as he played his arpeggios.
It took a few bars, but as he felt the joy and desire awaken in him through playing, he breathed a sigh of relief.
His fingers raced over the frets, the strings, the guitar neck, up and down, and Leaf immersed himself in the music.
When the notes went deep, he leaned slightly forward; when they rose, he leaned back.
His fingers worked smoothly, as if they had never done anything else, and the aftereffects of the high took him to other realms.
At some point, he grabbed a beer from the fridge and glanced at the setlist. They were already on the eleventh song. Leaf tried to focus on his cue, but his gaze kept drifting to Tristan. Sadness welled up in him, leaving him feeling weary and empty.
How could he have just left him standing there yesterday?
But Leaf alone knew how heavy his guilt weighed.
And it couldn’t be lessened by sex or hot kisses.
What he had allowed himself yesterday afternoon, what he had received from Tristan, was too much.
He didn’t deserve any of it. Yet he wanted nothing more than to hug Tristan, kiss him, and stroke his cheek.
Just to hold him tight and feel his warmth.
He seemed incredibly vulnerable, delicate, and beautiful all at once.
The way his black curls fell on his forehead, how he held onto the microphone, moved gently to the beat of the music, and whispered the words …
God, that man has sex appeal!
Why couldn’t the guilt just disappear?
“I don’t blame you.”
Leaf sighed inwardly. But I blame myself.
Why couldn’t Tristan just hate him? That would have made everything much easier.
But Leaf already knew—he was all Tristan had left, the only family remaining.
Yet Leaf was far from what Tristan wanted to see in him.
Certainly not since last night. Tristan should scream his anger in his face, pound his fists on his chest. Leaf would hold onto his despair and calm him down.
Would be strong for him, and endure any punishment, because he didn’t deserve anything else.
Dizziness overwhelmed him, and for a moment, the world blurred behind a thick fog.
Leaf staggered to the side and leaned on the amp.
Breathless, he gasped for air. He hadn’t even realized he was holding his breath.
Moreover, he had missed his cue, causing José and Andrej to finish the song without him.
From a distance, he heard his name. Dazed, he raised his hand, signaling that everything was fine. No one should come any closer.
“Ten songs!” Andrej exclaimed angrily. “Is that all you can handle? God!”
“Stop it,” Tristan cautioned, his voice calm. “Leave him alone. It doesn’t matter. Let’s just start over.”
Leaf unhooked the guitar strap and placed the instrument in the stand. Where did he get this understanding from him? Yet another thing he didn’t deserve. He lit a cigarette and took a deep drag, puffing out the smoke.
“You really need to pull yourself together.” Andrej set the bass aside and stepped closer to him. Menacingly close. Without saying a word, Leaf took a drag from the cigarette.
“Just look at yourself,” Andrej taunted. “You’re a mess! Does your dad know you’re letting yourself go like this? Maybe I should give him a heads-up.”
Leaf flicked the cigarette and grabbed Andrej by the collar, punching him in the face. Andrej tumbled backward, but Leaf held onto him and punched him again.
Another secret Andrej knew nothing about. If they had had a better connection, he might have told him once that his father had treated him like dirt after his mother’s death. But now it was too late. Andrej’s mockery was too much.
“Stop it!” Tristan and José intervened, prying them apart.
While José helped Andrej back up, Leaf broke free from Tristan and paced around the room like a hunted animal, agitated.
He felt trapped, like in a cage that was too tight.
His heart raced, and his whole body was screaming for a fix.
He ran his hands through his hair and belted out an annoyed scream.
“We all have bad days!” Andrej shouted as he pressed his hand against his bleeding nose. “Why do you always have to be so out of control?”
Leaf turned around and tried to go for him again, but Tristan held him back. “Calm down,” Tristan pleaded, his tone tinged with compassion.
“Let me go!” Andrej broke free from José and straightened his jaw. “For God’s sake! What’s wrong with you two! Just fuck each other already, then we can end this tragicomedy! Fuck!”
Leaf clenched his fist, still feeling Andrej’s hard jaw against his knuckles.
“Ignore him,” Tristan whispered.
“I need to get out of here.”
Leaf grabbed his things and stormed out of the rehearsal room.