Beauty and Beast
"And the worst part is.. I always lose." Dakota whispers dejectedly.
His revelation sends an icy shiver down my spine, painting a picture of a man who found power and peace in his own monstrosity, until it spiraled out of his control.
"Before, I had all the reins of my other personality. I decided when to let it out, and in front of whom. But now, I have lost the control of my beast and it takes over me anytime, without even me having a single clue about it." He confesses, with a hint of helplessness in his voice.
"I began experiencing frequent headaches and blackouts. I have no idea why I canceled my meetings, or even ordered to construct a large swimming pool in my lawn." His voice mirrors the same complexity my mind goes through while figuring out his unpredictable behaviour.
"There were moments where I find myself waking up on empty streets, sometimes in neighbour's garden, and realise I was out all night, without having a single memory of the event." Dakota continues, his voice growing more pained.
"So, I started locking myself indoors, which resulted in waking up to a room full of broken furniture, and my hands covered in bruises, while being surrounded by knives, shattered glass and other sharp objects."
My lungs do a silent gasp as I picture all the disturbing things he has gone through because of his mental illness. It's horrifying to even imagine!
"Therefore, I replaced all the windows, glasses with hard safety glass, and built an AI system to mechanically lock all the cutlery drawers in the kitchen and disable hazadous appliances, including electric sockets in the house via voice command and a passcode only I can spell."
Eve.. My mind whispers.
So the AI system he created was not to spy on his property, but to protect himself from himself.
"I already have an old relation with insomnia, and now that my mind is a chatter of whispers, it amplifies a hundred times. And even if I manage to get some sleep, then my terrifying nightmares always welcome me. Fuck!" His voice shaking, conveying the heavy toll of his horrifying reality.
"I am so scared to sleep at night, not knowing if I'll even wake up or in what condition!" Dakota exhales in fear, and I feel his tremors resonating through me.
"So I installed cameras all over the property to monitor my behaviour. They record every second, allowing me to review what I did during my unconscious moments, how frequently I black out, and what trigger these episodes. They help me piece together and keep track of my senseless actions."
Suddenly, it feels like I found missing pieces of the puzzle, that I am now beginning to unravel, one by one.
"Even after putting a mountain of efforts, I still couldn't cage my other side and it frustrates me so much." He breathes out excruciatingly. "So, I started confining myself to my empty room, where there are no ways to hurt myself."
I couldn't help but feel pity for him. The way his beast has treated me, I could hardly imagine how harshly he would be bullying and dominating Dakota.
"But the whispers, they get even louder in a silent room. They overpower me and.. Fuck! I-I get so scared sometimes that I feel like the only way to stop these voices in my head is.. If I kill myself."
My eyes widen as he whispers gloomily, almost like he is at the bottom of a depressive ocean, unable to move or cry for help.
"But I know it is wrong." He quickly adds, as if to reassure himself.
"I shouldn't give up on life, especially when I am blessed with good health, a home and two meals a day.
I shouldn't waste my intelligence and knowledge because of one mental disorder.
" Dakota gulps heavily, pushing the words out of his mouth.
"That's why I started spending more time in the office, coz until and unless my brain is busy working, I don't feel my flaws.
But when the night comes, and the effect of pills diminishes, that's when I really start to feel vulnerable and wretched from inside.
I feel so pathetic emotionally, that I hate myself to every inch of my existence. "
As I lie there, listening to his quivering words, my heart aches for Dakota. I squeeze his hand in mine, providing the only emotional support I could offer.
"I feel like Minotaur, trapped in the dark labyrinth of my own mind. Forever running and hiding from the beast within me." His voice breaks, resonating what he feels from inside.
At this point, I feel pity for Dakota, understanding how he is caught in an unending struggle with his own mind. A battle no one should ever have to face alone.
"Can't you talk things out with.. your beast?" I ask, trying to grasp the complexity of his condition.
"He doesn't listen to me." He admits, a note of resignation in his voice. "I have made him too powerful."
"But you created him, so you can control him, right?" I tell him, trying to light a path in his dark world.
"That's not how it works, Emara." Dakota takes a deep breath, and I feel his warm chest pressing into my spine.
"I have split personality disorder. There is someone else living inside me, a personality that is different from me, who has his own thoughts and desires." He explains to me, his breathing heavy with emotions.
"My mind.. It hallucinates another voice in my head, dictating me, ordering me to do things as he wishes. We two are not the same. There is always a cold war going on between us, fighting over who controls my life." He explains lucidly.
"But he is a part of you, born from your past trauma, right?" I try to reason with him.
"Only you can truly understand and restrain him. Listen to him. Talk to him." I insist, clinging to the belief that there must be a way for him to regain his power.
"I have tried everything, Emara. Counseling, therapy, medication." Dakota retorts, his voice itching with frustration as he says, "He is beyond control. Pills can subdue him temporarily, but in my weakest moments, he still overpowers me."
I feel his heart thudding rapidly through me, hard and fast, emphasizing the gravity of his situation. If pills can't control him, then what else could?
"It always happens when you are around." He whispers almost inaudibly.
"Me?" I ask him shockingly, feeling him nod in response.
"He thinks he won you in the fights. And he owns you." He reveals, and the room falls into a heavy silence as I recall his words..
'You were mine from the start. You were mine the moment I bet on you.'
He sounded possessed, almost inhuman at that time.
"Xavier was right, I shouldn't have dragged you into my hell." Dakota admits, his voice laced with a disturbed edge of guilt.
"I thought maybe if I give in to him and let him do whatever he wants, my other side could finally heal. But.. Fuck!" He exhales, sounding utterly tormented.
"I feel even more fucked up now, and I am afraid I have hurt you worse, to the point where you might never want to see me again." He hugs me even tighter, sadder, and buries his face in the crook of my neck.
Memories of his brutality floods in my head and my heart pounds heavily, as I recall the humiliation and pain he has inflicted upon me.
"You should have told me, before the first night." I tell him, chucking those memories aside like a bad dream.
Now isn't the time to dwell on what he did or blame him, but to find a way to prevent any more damage.
"I couldn't." Dakota whispers, and I feel him shaking his head.
"I am not like a Disney Beast, who will turn into a Prince after a kiss. I'll still be a Beast, a vicious, unstable one. And dangerous. For anyone." His voice takes on a darker, more deeper tone. Like a warning.
"At least you could have given a hint, the Beauty could have found a way to help you." I whisper softly, not wanting to trigger him.
"How the Beauty could help me?" Dakota asks me almost dejectedly, like he has already given up on everything.
I slowly turn around to face him and this time, he let's me.
Green eyes which are always full of fire, and for the first time, I see them staring at me vulnerably, almost defeatedly. I see no light of hope in them, just a deep sadness that somehow pains me.
He seems so irreparably broken and a good part of me wants to bandage him together.
I lick my lips, before asking him, "Do you want.."
"Emara!" Dakota takes a sharp breath and closes his eyes for a brief second, before he growls. "I DO NOT WANT SEX!" He snaps, his eyes staring at me with so much incense, scaring my little soul with his sudden outburst.
"Hug.." I whisper softly.
My heart is thrashing wildly in my chest, frightened at the way his intense stone-cutting gaze narrows down at me as I murmur, "I was going to ask if you want.. a.. hug, maybe."
My voice tiny like the hope I am carrying. Despite his unpredictable side, yet slowly, anxiously, I open my arms as a peace offering.
Suddenly, I watch deep sea-green eyes widen and flicker with a storm of emotions, as if he couldn't believe himself. Slowly, his hardened expression softens, and his shoulders slump down, signaling a crack in his armour.
It's as if the walls he has built around himself are starting to crumbling down, brick by brick.
Dakota leans in towards me, closing the space between us, almost sheepishly as he surrenders himself to my embrace.
My breast presses against his warm chest, and I am struck by the sheer size of this wild man, how big and muscular he is as he wraps his Herculean arms around me, engulfing me in his darkness.
I gasp, feeling like I am getting hugged by a daydream, which can anytime turn into a vicious nightmare.
But the way Dakota let down his guard, and told me everything, showed me his vulnerability.. He suddenly seems so much smaller, like a lost puppy seeking shelter in my arms, asking for help, or at the very least, empathy.
"It's okay.." I whisper, feeling how violently his heart is crashing against my chest, like it will explode any second. He is not okay!
As I gently caress my fingers along his back, I feel the tension in his stiff muscles slowly melting away under my touch.
"You didn't deserve this, in fact, nobody should deserve this." I tell him, my voice gentle as I try to offer emotional support, something he desperately needs.
I couldn't help but feel deep sympathy for him. Having felt the sting of loneliness myself in just a week here, away from my family, I can only imagine his lifelong struggle of being alone, devoid of family love and support, handling himself at his worst.
In two days, I will return to my family, my safe zone, but Dakota, he has no one to return to. He doesn't even have a concept of what a family feels like. He has been all alone, battling with his demons by caging himself in this haunted room like a mental patient.
"I am sorry you have to go through this everyday of your life, all alone." My heart aches with empathy for him, while I gently rub his back.
In response, Dakota clings to me even more tightly, gripping me so firmly as if I am his lifeline in the turbulent dark storm he is trapped in.
I can sense every beat of his heart thudding against me, his hot breath fanning my skin and his panic surging through me. He is on the verge of a breakdown and I hold him close, trying to shield him from falling apart.
"Everything is going to be alright." I tell him, feeling his heart calming down, yet his grip doesn't loosen as if he is scared to let me go and face the darkness alone.
"It's okay.." I let my hand gently stroke his broad back and whisper into his ears. "We all are a little damaged from inside."
The hug feels more like a plea for empathy, a silent request to understand the complexities of his mind.
Since a young age, he was discarded by his parents, and among the darkness, he found a friend, who turned out to be a monster for him.
"You are trying everything to be better, and there is nothing to feel ashamed about. You will be alright." I ensure him.
I sense a shift in him, a slight ease in his demeanor as his hold and breathing soften, while my hands gently glide along his spine, assuring him the support he craves.
While I provide him a haven of comfort, there is an unexpected warmth in his embrace, that makes me feel so protective.
I have always looked at him as a cold, intimidating man, but in real, he seems like a gigantic baby, which is surprisingly warm and fluffy from inside.
"And you are not weak. You are stronger than you think. I know you can conquer your fears." I tell him, hoping to reach to his closed walls, that he had built around him for years.
"Can you hear me? Dakota! Dakota?" My voice barely above a murmur as I tilt my head and look at his relaxing face in the crook of my neck.
Wait.. He slept???
I watch him shockingly while he nests his head partly on the pillow and partly against my shoulder as he sleeps peacefully.
Didn't he mention he had insomnia?
But watching his sleepy face as he snoozes out in my arms like a baby, makes me feel.. Content? Really?
I draw a finger on his forehead, gently smoothing out his stress lines that adorns his face with a burden of tension.
'Emara. You are not touching me. Today or ever.'
His adamant words replay in my head, yet I can't help but smile as I lightly graze his neatly shaven jaw. It's cute to see how the vicious grizzly bear turned into a cuddling teddy bear in his sleep.
I sigh feeling tired and sleepy.
Though the room is at a freezing temperature, his body warms me up, and his arms cradle me warmly, making me feel like the most safest adobe among the chaos.
Gradually, I let my eyes drift shut, feeling our heartbeats syncing together and I fall deep into the slumber, joining him.
I let him protect me in his world, and I let myself comfort him in his darkness.
Something we both need.
( ????? ??)