4. Aurora
4
AURORA
DICK SLAPPED
In case life hasn’t screwed you enough, this should do the trick. Happy housewarming!
XO,
Whit & Willow
I dropped the note back into the cardboard shipping box as I clapped my hand over my mouth and laughed. Like I had conjured it, my phone rang.
“Are you watching me or something?” I said as the call looped all three of us in. “ I just opened your little housewarming gift.”
Whitney was the first to chime in. “ Happy housewarming, Wander !”
“I’ve been procrastinating by watching the tracking updates all day,” Willow said.
I reached into the box and pulled out the massive dildo that was as big as my forearm. “ What the hell, guys!”
Whitney tossed her head back and laughed. “ We just figured that if the house wasn’t fucking you over enough, you deserved to get dicked down by something that can actually get the job done.”
“Besides. Good sex toys aren’t cheap,” Willow said. “ And we thought since you’re no longer sharing a wall with your mother, you can take advantage of the distance and take care of business. Lord knows Terry wasn’t getting anything done.”
“I don’t think that man-child could find the clit if he had a GPS , a map, and a tour guide dragging him along with a leash. Not that I would know personally,” Whitney said. “ He just seemed completely inept.”
And he was. My ex was terrible at everything except making me feel like shit and draining my bank account.
I wielded the heavy silicone dick like a weapon in front of the camera. “ Guys , this thing would disembowel me.” I laughed as it wobbled back and forth. “ You’re joking, right?”
Frankly, it looked like a replica of something found in monster romances.
“And that’s why there’s a top-of-the-line vibrator at the bottom of the box, picked out by yours truly,” Whitney said with a satisfied smile. “ Nothing says happy housewarming like good O’s !”
“We threw in batteries too,” Willow chimed in. “ We didn’t know if you had electricity at the house yet.”
“Thankfully, it got turned on this morning. I’m still living out of the cooler and the grill since the fridge is disgusting. It looks like it was storing a corpse at room temperature for the last few years. I have it turned on to start getting cold, but I need a hazmat suit and a flame thrower to clean it.”
Willow grimaced. “ Are you sure you don’t need help? That sounds really dangerous. Like you could breathe in toxic mold and die.”
“I have a respirator,” I said, picking up the mask I had gotten yesterday at the hardware store down the coast. “ And gloves. And one of those white suits that covers your head and shoes.”
Whitney’s giggle caught us both off guard as her husband, Miles , came up behind her and started kissing her neck.
They were adorably and disgustingly in love.
“Sorry,” Whitney said. “ He just got back from an assignment and he’s leaving for another one in Europe soon.”
Her husband was a bodyguard who had saved her life from a deranged stalker. I loved how happy she was, but at the moment, it only served to remind me how much I wasn’t happy.
“Oooh,” Willow cooed. “ Is he getting paired up with one of the sexy suits?”
“You and your thing with men in suits,” I said with a laugh.
Willow tossed her hair over her shoulder. “ You’ve seen the guys Miles works with! The Australian one? I’ll take ten of him.”
Whitney laughed. “ Liam’s sweet but I’ve never gotten more than three words out of him.”
“Fine. I’ll take the broody one,” Willow said.
“Cole? I think he’s in North Carolina visiting a friend.”
I laughed. “ Since they save people from other people, what if I’m in grave danger inside this most likely haunted beach house? Will the broody one just show up like Batman and save me?”
Whitney laughed. “ Cole has issues. Pass on that one, Wander .”
“But he looks so good cleaned up in a suit,” Willow whined. “ Oh shit. I lost track of time tracking your box of dicks. I gotta go.”
“Where?” I asked.
“Lunch date. He’s a tech bro, but the glasses kind of work for him,” Willow said. “ Hopefully , it’ll be better than yesterday’s coffee date.”
Willow treated dating like she was vying for an Olympic medal in the sport. Her calendar was always full, and her standards were damn near impossible.
Considering we all wrote fictional men who were the perfect partners, it was understandable that the three of us had high standards. But Willow took it to a whole new level.
“I should go too,” Whitney said. “ I’ve gotta get some words in before Miles and I go out to dinner.”
“I’ll just be here,” I said as I waved the giant dildo around. “ All alone with only this giant purple penis to keep me company.”
“At least it can get you off!” Willow said cheerily. “ Talk to you guys later!”
The video call ended after a chorus of goodbyes as the girls went off to their own lives, and I was left with a dick.
I dug around in the box and found the vibrator and batteries. They had also thrown in some gift cards that would come in handy, given my current financial desert, and a candle for ambiance. The tea towels that had padded the candle were nice and would be useful when I had unearthed the countertops from the thick layer of dust and dirt that had settled over the years.
Yesterday was just about arriving and surviving. I had the forethought to grab some charcoal and grillables from a store before I made it all the way to Cedar Island . What I hadn’t expected was for the fire department to freak out because I was grilling one measly hotdog. Overreact much?
Today was exploratory. Thanks to the work gloves and my respirator, I had somewhat safely snooped through most of the house and taken stock of what needed to be done.
My game plan started with the refrigerator and the outside stairs. I had delicately danced up the planks that were still there, but the gaps needed to be filled with new boards, and the entire thing needed to be shored up.
After my second trip up and down the stairs, I had resorted to parking my car beside them and standing on the roof to shimmy my things up to the deck. It wasn’t a perfect method, but pulling myself up by the lip of the deck was preferable to falling ten feet through the steps onto overgrown shrubbery that, no doubt, held a nest of creepy crawlies and slimy slitheries.
Ha. Alliteration . I loved alliteration. Too bad I was still b-l-o-c-k-e-d and I couldn’t freaking use any.
A loud clunk echoed behind me.
I spun, clutching the dildo to my chest, but the house was empty. I turned back and dug around the box, hoping that the candle from the girls was something special used to cleanse the house of evil spirits. No dice. Just fresh linen and sea breeze. I had plenty of sea breeze thanks to the drafty windows facing the ocean.
Maybe I should grab some needles from the cedar trees to smudge the house . . .
Then again, it might take burning the whole tree to cleanse this place.
But if I burned down a tree, I’d have hot firefighters in my yard for the second time. That was never a bad thing.
Wood creaked, and a shadow quickly engulfed me. “ Hello ?”
The deep voice made me scream. For what reason? I didn’t know. If a girl is turned into fish food by a sneaky serial killer and no one is around to hear it, does she really make a sound?
I squeezed my eyes shut and swung the dildo like a sword until I heard the thunk of heavy silicone hitting skin.
“Fuck!” A male voice howled as he stumbled backward, clutching his cheek. “ Did you hit me with a dick?”
“Get out!” I shrieked. “ I have pepper spray!”
The large hunk of t-shirt painted muscles raised his hands in surrender, taking three large steps back. The sole of his sneaker caught on the edge of one of the sheets that had been covering a couch, and he slipped.
He swung his arms like windmills as he tried to stop the fall, but it was no use. His very fine ass slammed into the hardwood floors with a heavy thud.
“Who the hell are you?” I shouted as I pointed the ten-inch dildo at him. After that first swat, I realized that it wasn’t a bad weapon. Four pounds of medical-grade silicone packed a punch.
“Your fucking neighbor. Jesus ,” he groaned as he pushed to his feet and wiped his dust-covered hands on the front of his gym shorts.
That’s when I got a good look at him for the first time.
Oh . . . wow . . .
Thick, muscular legs were tightly wrapped in mesh shorts. Narrow hips led up to an undoubtedly ripped abdomen. His chest probably required its own zip code, and his arms looked stronger than the beams holding up the house. Brown hair in a boyish cut was messily swept to the side.
“You’re the prettiest serial killer I’ve ever seen.”
Dark eyes lined with thick lashes blinked at me. “ I was trying to be neighborly, and you hit me across the face with a dildo.”
I winced. “ Technically , I hit you with the testicles.”
He pressed his palm to his cheek where a rather phallic bruise was forming. “ Sorry , the testicle end of a dildo.” He pointed to the side of the property where I had noticed a small, yet cozy bungalow. “ That’s me. I’m the only permanent resident on this strip. All the rest are vacation rentals.” He looked me up and down with something akin to disdain and curiosity. “ Well . . . and you.”
That’s when I noticed the small logo printed on the chest of his t-shirt. “ You’re a firefighter?”
“Yeah,” he said as he rested wide hands on his hips and stared up at the cobweb-covered ceiling. “ And you’re the wannabe arsonist who nearly caught both of our houses on fire yesterday.”
“I was grilling a hotdog,” I sassed. “ It wasn’t like I was running around with a flamethrower.” Having decided he wasn’t a threat, I tossed the dildo back in the box.
The man took slow steps up to me. “ And you nearly burned your fingers off,” he said as he took my hand in his and spread my fingers so he could get a good look.
Sparks skittered up my arm as calloused fingers grazed my skin.
“Use tongs next time, Colorado .”
I arched an eyebrow and met his gaze. “ Are you the welcoming committee or something? Because I’m starting to think that all the hype about small-town hospitality was a big pile of bullshit. And did you just call me ‘ Colorado ?’”
He cracked a smile as bright as the white-caps outside. “ Well , instead of telling me your name, you dick-slapped me. So , I’m just going off the license plate I got a good look at when I watched you stand on top of your car to muscle your way up to the balcony door.”
“Aurora Whitlock ,” I said, yanking my hand away. “ But please don’t call me that.”
There was that smile again . . .
“Jack,” he said as he extended his hand for a proper handshake. “ Jack Wharton .”
His hand was warm and strong, but he held mine in the gentlest grip. Now he was the stuff that fictional men were made of.
“Nice to meet you, ‘ Not Aurora .’ I go back on duty in the morning, but if you can hold off on dying by using the steps or using your vehicle as a stepladder, I can come over the day after next and work on the staircase.”
And there he went, being presumptuous and ruining the fantasy.
“Thanks, but I’m fine. I don’t need your help.”
Jack’s eyebrows rose. He let a sharp breath slip, but withheld the rest of the laugh. “ It’s no bother.”
“I can handle it myself.”
An amused smile danced on his lips as he crossed one arm over the other. “ Really ? You and what tools? Because your dick might be good at screwing, but it’s not a power drill, sweetheart.”
I grabbed the dildo and swung.
Jack was faster this time. He snatched the big purple dick out of my hand and tossed it back in the box. “ Careful , Colorado . You can barely handle a hotdog. That might be a little out of your league.”
“That’s it,” I said as I grabbed his bicep and marched him toward the door. “ The firefighter fantasy is officially over. Out of my house.”
“Your great-aunt's house,” he said as he shuffled with me, going along with the schtick.
I paused. “ How do you know that?”
Jack shrugged. “ Small town. I never knew her personally. Just the lore.”
“The lore?”
He cracked a smile, amused by my curiosity.
I huffed. “ My great-aunt Juniper died and left the house to her sister, who was too old to do anything with it. And when she died, it got left to my mom. And now here I am, like some romance novel cliché, stuck in small-town USA for the summer while I fix it up to sell. That’s the lore I know.”
Jack walked out onto the edge of the deck and gave the top step a testing push with his foot. “ Well , I guess you’ll just have to stick around long enough to find out the rest.”