Chapter 23
Chapter
Twenty-Three
Karina
Ifelt like I’d been sitting in the closet forever.
I came in here to get dressed for brunch with Rayla, but I’d been sitting here instead.
I still hadn’t found an outfit. My makeup wasn’t done.
My hair still looked a mess, and I was sitting in the middle of the floor in my closet, twirling my locket in my hand.
The locket that hung around my neck was from Kareem. He’d given it to me as a graduation present. And although I wore it from time to time, it usually sat locked in my jewelry box on my dresser.
I put it on this morning because I needed to be close to him.
The fact that I hadn’t answered his phone calls or returned his texts didn’t negate the need I had for him.
If this locket were the only thing that could make me feel his presence in this moment, then so be it.
I twirled it around my pointer finger again as I thought about the day my grandpa gave it to me.
“Karina, why don’t you just talk to that boy? He’s been coming over here every day.”
“I don’t want to, Papa.”
“And why not? He’s a good boy. Did he do something to you?”
“No, Grandpa, he didn’t do anything.”
“Because if he broke your heart, I will break his face.”
“Papa, I love you, but you don’t have to do that. Kareem didn’t do anything. I just want to focus on the future. Kareem is my past.”
“Honey, I know you are going away to college, and you want to focus on new things, but you don’t have to leave everything behind.”
My grandfather’s voice got lower with the last few words. I knew he and my grandmother were both sad about my choosing a school so far away. However, I just needed a clean slate in a new place. It was my fresh start.
“Are we still talking about Kareem, or are we talking about you and Gramma?”
“Well, I guess I’m talking about a little bit of both. I know you want to go far away to college and start your own life, baby, but don’t you forget you got people back home who love you.”
“I could never forget that, Papa. Y’all took me in when I had nothing.
When even my own parents abandoned me. You always stood by my side.
Now, I may not come home as often because I figure I’m going to be really busy at school, but I will always hold you guys close to my heart.
I’ll be back to visit as much as I can.”
“I hope you will. People leave this house, leave this town, and never come back. I understand it’s a small town, and you young people got to go off and make your own way in the world. I just want you to remember that you can always come home.”
“I know, Papa. This will always be my home, and you and Gramma will always be my family. I won’t forget that.”
“Good. Now, back to that little boy.”
“Oh my gosh. I thought we had moved past this.”
“I’m never going to move past telling you what is right for you, and I feel like this boy is right, and your grandmother agrees with me.
She just doesn’t want to say anything because she wants you to be able to make your own decisions.
She also knows you’re getting ready to go off to school, and she doesn’t want to create tension between the two of you.
The last time she created tension with a Stevens girl, she left here and never came back. ”
Papa looked off into the distance, thinking about what happened between my grandma and my mother. I didn’t know much about it, and I didn’t care either, because whatever my grandmother did to her should never have warranted her leaving me, her only child.
There was nothing that happened between my mother and my grandmother that I laid on my grandparents.
They weren’t to blame, and I would never treat them like they were.
The only people to blame for my parents leaving me were my parents.
I tried to let that burden rest on them instead of on me, but I always find myself asking what could have been so wrong with me.
If my own parents didn’t want me, how could anybody want me?
How couldn’t Kareem? I didn’t want to ignore Kareem, but I also didn’t believe he would stick around.
How couldn’t he when the two people who were supposed to didn’t?
I could never take that kind of abandonment twice. I would never do it again.
“Papa, my mama left because she wanted to. It had nothing to do with y’all.”
“I know, baby, but I want you to know it had nothing to do with you either. I don’t want you living your life thinking everyone you love will eventually leave you.”
“That’s not what’s happening with Kareem and me.”
“I never said it was.”
There was a slight pause between my grandfather and me. He didn’t say anything else for a while. I knew he was giving me time to speak, but I didn’t know what to say. He was right, but I couldn’t admit that to him or to myself.
“Here. He left this for you.”
My grandpa handed me a small black box that Kareem had left for me. I opened it, and tears began to build behind my lids. It was a gold necklace with a heart charm hanging from it.
“You want me to put it on for you?”
“Of course, Papa.” He wrapped it around my neck and clasped it in the back, and I rubbed my hand across it just to get a feel of it.
“Open it. It’s a locket.”
When I opened it, one of the tears fell against my wishes. On one side of the locket was a picture of Kareem and me that we took in one of those photo booths at the mall. The other side had three words engraved — This is forever.
I broke out of my memories and got up from the closet floor.
I then walked back into my room and searched the nightstand on the right side of the bed for my phone.
I snapped a picture of myself, making sure to get an angle that didn’t make me look like the mess I truly was in the moment, then navigated to Kareem’s messages.
My fingers glided across the keypad as I tapped in rapid speed. I needed to get this message out before anything changed my mind. Kareem at least deserved to know nothing had happened to me. I was just being my overthinking self and ran as I always did.
Karina: Proof of life.
I attached the picture I had just taken to accompany my message. I was hoping seeing my face would make him less angry with me. I took full responsibility for running yet again, and I was hoping one day I would stop running and face whatever was to come.
Kareem: That’s all I needed. Thank you.
Karina: I’m sorry for running again for always running. You don’t deserve that.
Kareem: You good. I’ll see you soon.
I smiled at his last three words. I didn’t know how I felt about seeing Kareem soon or what I would say when I did. Still, I almost exploded with excitement at the thought of it.
It was always so easy for Kareem to forgive me for any and everything I’d done. When it came to me, he held no grudges. Well, at least not any that he let me see.
I appreciated him for that because I knew full well how much of a hassle it was being attached to someone like me. Hell, even my own parents had unsubscribed from the drama, and I was still a baby at the time, so I guess they had good foresight.