17. Hailey
CHAPTER 17
HAILEY
I ’d gone from reliving my fall on stage to reliving that kiss and what it should’ve been. Had I slept since that night? If it counted as sleep, endless dreams of his lips and his chest and his stubble, his thumbs digging into the meat of my arms. I’d never been so tired in my whole life, horny, delirious, amped up on nerves.
Nerves, because I’d been coiled since that night, wound up for action with no release.
Nerves, because this was, tonight, my big show. My big, shining sendoff on stage in Vegas. I’d sent tickets home for Mom and Dad. I’d left messages, how much I missed them. I needed them with me for my big night. If they’d just come and see, if they’d watch me sing — I swore I’d quit if they didn’t like what they saw. But I thought they would. They’d see what it meant to me, and how far I’d come.
Please, please be proud of me.
Please come.
Please, Mom?
“Vegas, bab-eeeeeeeeee!”
I laughed as Rashida came charging backstage, but the knot in my gut didn’t loosen at all. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been this tense. My whole stomach was churning, my head in a whirl. I thought I might faint, or throw up maybe. Instead, I yelled “Vegas,” and ran out onstage. The first thing I did was check the front row, hoping my parents might’ve come early. I’d left word they could come see our dress rehearsal, but they’d never liked spoilers, so maybe?—
“You okay?”
I blinked. When had Constance snuck up on me? I nodded and swallowed, acid in my throat.
“You look pale,” she said. “Did you eat breakfast?”
The thought of food made my guts turn backflips. I breathed through the nausea. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.”
“If you’re nervous, just channel it. Put it into your art.”
I stood like a bobblehead, nodding away, but what did that even mean, put it into your art ? People always said that, use your fear. Use your anger. Channel your feelings, but how did that work? What I’d channeled to get here was — I don’t know. I’d just done it. Made music. Just that.
Panic beat in my chest, and why weren’t my parents here? Didn’t they want to come see me rehearse? Didn’t they ache for this as much as I did, for peace between us, and a fresh start? I was grown now. Did they not see that? I’d made my choices, and weren’t they proud? Did they really not love me more than their pride?
I was crying. I blinked hard and scrubbed at my eyes. This was no good. I had to calm down.
“Everyone, places!” Constance clapped her hands. Someone was handing me my guitar. Maybe my parents were up near the back. Up where they wouldn’t be a distraction. I peered into the shadows, but the lights came up bright. All I could see was the glare and then blackness.
“I know you’re all tired,” Constance was saying. “It’s been a long month, a long time on the road. But you’re doing amazing, and this is it. The last push. After this, you can party, whatever you want. I want you to picture how you’ll reward yourself. The first thing you’ll do when we’re all done.”
I closed my eyes and saw Jackson. My parents. My bed. Not all at once, but in flashes like postcards, a cascade of promises we’d be all right. Tonight would be perfect. My happy ending. My parents would hug me and we’d all go to dinner, and then I’d find Jackson, and then to bed.
My head throbbed with the beat, and I realized we were starting, my body moving by habit, the familiar steps. But my body was worn and sore at the joints, my stomach still bubbling, my head full of fog. It hit me, was I actually getting sick? I couldn’t afford to be sick. Not here. Not tonight.
“Hailey, you’re behind.” Constance held up her hand. “The stage here is bigger. I think it’s throwing you off. You’re taking these huge steps, but you don’t need to do that.”
I swallowed. My stomach hurt. Huge steps? Was I?
“Okay, from the top! Let’s just get through this!”
We launched in again, but my ears felt weird. When I sang, I could hear my own voice in my head, like it was trapped in there, too high and loud. I spun, and when I stopped my head kept on going, and I knew in that moment I was going to throw up.
“Five minutes,” I yelled, and flung down my guitar, and hurtled out of there without a glance back. I plunged down the hall to the nearest bathroom, and made it just in time to puke into the sink. Afterward, I stood panting, light in the head. Spots danced in my eyes and my hands felt too cold. Food poisoning, I thought, as I rinsed out my mouth. But what had I eaten? And when had that been?
I’d had a granola bar back on the bus, but it had tasted normal. Nothing weird there. And some water. A coffee. What else?
Someone knocked on the door. “Hailey? You all right?”
“Two minutes, Jen! I’m taking an aspirin.”
“Should I get Mina?”
“ No! No, I’m fine.”
I leaned on the counter and tried to breathe. Nerves, this was nerves. If I could calm down, I’d be fine. I could send Jackson out for some Pepto, and maybe some tampons in case it was hormones. I had to be due any day now. I hadn’t had my period since… since…
Since when?
I bit my lip hard, trying to think. Not on the tour, so not for four weeks. Not the two weeks before that, amid all the prep. Not on my night out, when I’d met Jackson. So, some time before that. I clenched my fists.
When?
But it didn’t matter when. What mattered was, I was late. I was really late, not just a day or two. People missed periods when they were stressed, or if they lost weight, or they were working too hard. But I never had, and I’d been stressed out for years. This was weird for me, and I felt weird as well. I felt tired and dizzy, and still low-grade sick. My skin felt too dry. My teeth sort of hurt. Hadn’t my mother’s hurt when she was pregnant? Hadn’t she mentioned that, and the dry skin?
“I can’t be,” I said.
But the thing was, I could.
I’d been safe with Jackson, but we’d been safe a lot . We’d used most of his condoms, and what if one slipped?
Jen tapped on the door again. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah, I just need— I’m dehydrated. Could you tell Constance I went for a sports drink?”
“I have one in my bag.”
“That’s okay. Just tell her I’ll be out in ten minutes.”
I waited till Jen’s footsteps dwindled away, then peeked out of the bathroom, left and right down the hall. Jackson was loitering near my green room, so I bolted the other way, for the dancers’ changing room. Inside, I rifled through somebody’s bag, stole their hoodie, and pulled up the hood. I stole a pair of shoes too, as Jackson knew mine, and made straight for the fire exit, not looking back.
“Hey,” Jackson called.
I hurried faster.
“Hey, get back here! What did you take?”
I shot out the door before he could catch up, button-hooked down the alley, and sprinted back to the street. Jackson came after me, but I ducked into a pet store, and I watched through the puppy cage as he burst out front. He loomed there for a moment, surveying the street, then snapped something into his walkie-talkie.
“Sorry,” I whispered, to whoever he’d snapped at. One of the puppies nosed through the bars. I gave it a head-scratch, eyes fixed on Jackson, and after a minute, he went away. I ducked out after him and into a corner store, where I grabbed what I needed and paid at the front.
“Do you have a bathroom I could use?”
The clerk looked at me, then he looked at my purchase. He pointed me to the back of the store.
“Number ones only.”
“Yeah, that’s okay.” I dashed to the bathroom and did the test, and sat the two minutes with my heart in my throat. I did want kids, but here, now, with Jackson? With a man who… did he want kids? I didn’t know. I knew he was kind, he was strong, he was funny. I knew he’d been a soldier and a Mathlete. But what was his life like? What were his plans? Would he be in his kid’s life, or an absent dad? And how would I do it, just me on my own?
My phone dinged, two minutes. I closed my eyes. This would be my last second not knowing the truth. My last second, maybe, of not being a parent. If I was, all my choices would stop being just mine. I’d have to think of my child first. How I’d keep her safe.
Outside, the door chimed.
I opened my eyes.
I looked down at the test strip, and yeah. No surprise. I’d soon be a mother, and Jackson a dad.
Panic lanced through me, cold to the bone: how would I tell him? What could I say? He’d made it clear to me he didn’t want more. And his job meant he’d always be off on the road. I couldn’t ask him to change all that, or could I? Should I?
I put my hand on my stomach, but it still felt flat. No kicking yet, no sign of the truth. But it was true, and I couldn’t hide from it.
“Okay,” I told myself. Okay. This was fine. I’d get through the concert, then we’d sit down and talk.
I blundered back to the venue and tried to slip in the front, but one of Jackson’s guys spotted me and shouted “I’ve got her!” He came running, then two more, and they rushed me inside, so fast I nearly tripped on the steps.
“This way, Miss Frye.”
“I’m sorry. I?—”
Jackson came sprinting, red in the face. “Okay, let’s get out of here. Get to the car. I need you four out front, guys on every exit, and search every room. Every hall in this place.”
My stomach flipped over. Was this my fault? Jackson kept barking orders as he hustled me off.
“You see anyone, anything, report right away. No matter how small it is, or if you think it matters.”
I grabbed his hand. “Wait.”
“Don’t worry, Hailey. You’re safe. I’ve got you.”
“No, it’s not that. I think it was me!”
Jackson glanced at me, then down the hall to our right. He steered me that way at a punishing clip. “You think what was you?”
“The intruder, right? That’s why you’re doing this, because you saw an intruder? That was me you chased out, and I?—”
“No. That’s not it.”
It hit me then, something was really wrong. Something that had Jackson’s lips pinched tight shut, his eyes alert as he moved me along. Two of his men had gone on ahead, clearing each room and passage before we raced past.
“What’s happening?”
Jackson’s radio blipped and he picked it up. “Yeah?”
“The stage door’s unlocked back here. Section four.”
“Okay, check it out. You see anyone there?”
“All clear so far.”
I gripped Jackson’s arm tighter. “Is everyone okay?”
“Everyone’s fine. Your car’s outside.” He ushered me out through another fire door, and my limo was pulled up right outside. Jackson bundled me in, then he headed up front.
“Wait, Jackson! Jackson! ”
He was driving, I saw. He never drove. He always sat with me, unless… unless what?
“Jackson, what’s happening?”
He peeled out at speed and drove away, weaving through traffic so fast I felt sick. I clung to my seat and tried to keep breathing. I had to stay calm now, because I had my baby. It was two of us back here speeding away, two of us fleeing whatever we’d fled. Whatever came next, I had to keep her safe. Or him, I guessed. My baby. Mine.
Jackson doubled back so sharply my head spun. My eyes watered with the effort of not being sick. He pulled into an underground parking garage, stopped the limo mid-aisle, and let himself out. The driver moved over to take his seat. Jackson flung my door open.
“This way. You’re safe.”
I balked. “Stop saying that! I’m safe from what? You’re not telling me anything, and?—”
“I will in ten minutes. Can you hold on ten minutes, till we get where we’re going?” He was already pulling me along, into a white car I hadn’t seen before. I grabbed the door frame and refused to get in.
“How do I know you’re not kidnapping me? How do I know you’re not the danger?”
Jackson glanced around, anxious, and made a frustrated sound. “You trust Mina, right?”
“Of course I trust her.”
“Then call her right now. Ask her what to do.”
I did as he said, pulled out my phone and dialed Mina. She picked up on the first ring.
“Oh my God, Hailey! Are you guys on your way?”
“On my way where? What’s happening? What is this?”
“Just get here, and I’ll tell you. Please, Hailey. Just come.”
I hung up without a word and got in the car. If Mina was that scared, this was serious. And I did trust Jackson, in my heart of hearts. He breathed a sigh of relief as he got in beside me, and we drove out of the garage as the limo parked. I hunched down in my seat as we drove out of the city, out to a house at the end of its street.
“Put your hood up,” said Jackson, and I did as he said. I walked with my head down up the front steps. Mina was inside, and she ran up to hug me, and then more of Jackson’s guys appeared from the kitchen. I realized I was shaking, my shirt damp with sweat.
“What is this? What’s…” My voice broke, and I had to sit down. Jackson sat next to me and peered into my eyes.
“Get her something sugary. Something to drink.”
I stared back. “But what?—”
Jackson took both my hands and squeezed them in his. “We got a tip about a ransom plot, and then your hotel had its keycard system hacked. We had reason to believe you were in danger, so we’ve brought you out here to wait out the threat.”
My head spun. “My parents. I asked them to come. If they couldn’t grab me, what if?—”
Jackson flinched, and I understood, but he said it anyway. “Your parents are fine. They’re still in LA. I’ve sent a colleague to watch them, but just as a precaution.”
So, they hadn’t come, but some kidnapper had. And I was pregnant. And Jackson was the dad. I couldn’t decide which part to freak out over first, so I freaked out for all of them. I burst into tears.
“It’s okay,” said Jackson. “I promise they’re safe. And you will be too. I won’t let anything happen.” He held me and rocked me and whispered soft comfort, and I only cried harder.
What was I going to do?