Chapter Fourteen
S he couldn’t sleep.
Jenna opened one eye and glared at the clock on the nightstand. It was after 1:00 a.m. and she had been tossing and turning for an hour.
She was so tired but her mind couldn’t seem to shut down. While she wasn’t scheduled to work at the store the next day, Saturday, she had a packed agenda anyway. She and her friend Kim were cohosting the Brambleberry Book Group, consisting of twenty friends who gathered monthly, taking turns to be in charge.
She thought it would be fun to have dinner in the garden, shaded by the trees and the pergola. Kim was handling the meal, street tacos and taco salad catered by their favorite Mexican food place in town.
While Jenna was only baking a couple dozen cookies, she had plenty of other things to do. Cleaning off the lawn chairs. Setting up tables. Picking up the margarita mix.
She flipped her pillow over to the cool side, punched it with her good hand a few times for more fluff and rolled over.
She needed sleep so she could take on her chores the next day. But sleep still seemed a long way off. Instead, she couldn’t seem to stop rehashing the evening spent with Wes and his daughter.
What was wrong with her?
She knew the answer to that, even before she asked it of herself.
She was lonely.
She wanted someone to hold her, to touch her, to cherish her and make her feel wanted.
And not any someone. She wanted Wes Calhoun.
Her mind kept replaying the hot, hungry look in his eyes when she had kissed his cheek several hours earlier.
He shared her attraction, which made it even harder for her to continue resisting him.
What was she going to do about Wes? She was developing feelings for the man, even though she knew anything between them was completely impossible.
Not feelings , she told herself. She couldn’t be coming to care for him. They were friends. That was all.
Even as the thought popped into her mind, it rang hollow. Friends didn’t make each other yearn. Friends didn’t think about each other all the time. Friends didn’t kiss each other until they were achy with need.
Wes made it so blasted hard to resist him. That evening with the girls had been magical. Even with her hand aching, she had loved spending time with him and his daughter. He had teased the girls, made them laugh, protected them.
Jenna sighed, turning over again before she finally sat up and pulled off her duvet. She had struggled so much with insomnia during the worst of Aaron’s assault on her peace of mind that she was all too familiar with how it worked for her.
She likely had no chance of falling asleep anytime soon, not until she climbed out of bed and tried to do something else to distract herself and calm her mind for an hour or so.
Reading worked best for her, especially if it was something dry and uninteresting. While she focused on something else, all the worries keeping her awake either receded or sorted themselves out.
She had the perfect title in the living room, one of the recommended reading texts left over from her master’s program. She had only made it through about a third of the book, despite months of trying.
When she walked out to the kitchen, Theo greeted her with a tail thump inside his crate.
She could also take the dog out for a quick walk through the garden before she settled in to read. The flowers and shrubs laid out in the Brambleberry House landscaping never failed to soothe her, especially in the moonlight.
For a long time, all her instincts had told her to hide behind triple-locked doors and away from any open windows. Going outside by herself after dark would have been out of the question.
Maybe if she still lived in Utah, that might have been the case. As irrational as it might seem, she felt safe here in Cannon Beach.
Yes, bad things happened here. Bad things had happened to her here. Aaron had terrorized her and had physically hurt her dear friend and the wonderful Fiona.
Every time she remembered that awful time two summers ago, she felt a little nauseated and had to fight the urge to stay inside where she knew she would be safe.
All the more reason to go outside, she decided. She didn’t want to be a person who cowered.
Without taking more time to think about it, she slid into her garden shoes, pulled a hoodie on over her pajama top and went to the dog’s crate.
“I know you were all settled for the night, but would you like to go out one more time?”
Theo thumped his tail on the floor, which made her smile. What a joy the dog had been, even in only the short weeks he had been part of their family. She had almost forgotten what their life had been like without him.
Theo jumped from his crate and stretched in a good imitation of a yoga pose, then followed her eagerly out the door as she made her way quietly downstairs.
The house was hushed in these early hours of the morning. She didn’t know whether Wes was asleep up on the third floor but the ground floor apartment was empty. The Andersons, the lovely older couple who lived there, were expected home the following week. The retired pair had gone on an extended trip through Europe, including a long cruise, and their weekly email updates filled Jenna with no small degree of envy.
Maybe she should take Addie on a cruise. She could plan it around fall break. They didn’t have to go to Europe. Instead, they could stick close to home and take one of the cruises that traveled the Pacific coastline.
The idea was deeply appealing. Four or five days when she didn’t have to make all the decisions in life, where someone else would feed them, entertain them, show them beautiful parts of the world.
Still, she couldn’t ignore one inescapable truth.
If she was lonely in Cannon Beach, she was going to be every bit as lonely on a cruise, if not more so, surrounded by couples and families having fun together.
How would she ever meet someone new? Jenna wondered as she reached the bottom step. Her job as an elementary teacher didn’t bring many unattached men into her life. She didn’t socialize much, except with her female friends and other teachers. She would certainly never dare try a dating app again, though she knew several friends who swore by them and had found deep and lasting relationships that way.
Jenna sighed as she pushed open the exterior door to the front of the house.
She didn’t want to meet a man, anyway.
Especially a man who wasn’t Wes Calhoun.
She pushed away the thought, focusing instead on the fresh, sweet night air, thick with the scent of roses and lavender. She inhaled deeply, feeling tension in her muscles instantly begin to ease.
This was her home. She didn’t need to leave Brambleberry House, unless things grew too uncomfortable between her and Wes.
Yet another reason to try putting things back on a safer footing.
Theo lifted his leg on a tuft of grass, then followed after her as she walked through the garden toward the pergola overlooking the water. Jenna wanted to take one more look to see how many tables would fit in the small structure.
Before they reached it, Theo’s tail began to wag and he gave a little yip of greeting, her first signs that she wasn’t alone in the garden.
Inside the pergola, Wes wore a headlamp to light his task, which seemed to be tightening a screw on one of the wooden lawn chairs. Three other chairs were upside down, apparently waiting their turn.
He must have heard Theo’s doggy greeting because he shifted in their direction, the headlamp aimed up at the sky like a beacon, forever guiding her toward him.
“What are you doing out here?” she asked when they approached.
“I noticed the chairs all felt a little wobbly so I thought it wouldn’t hurt to reinforce them before one fell apart.”
“In the dark, at one in the morning?”
“Is it that late? I hadn’t noticed. What about you? What brings you out? I thought everybody was settled for the night. The house seemed quiet.”
“I couldn’t sleep so I got up to read for a bit. And as soon as I walked out into the living room, I realized Theo would see me and decide he needed to go out.”
“It’s a beautiful night, isn’t it?”
She lifted her face up to the glitter of stars overhead, endless and lovely.
“It really is.”
“Everybody told me to be prepared for gray skies and rain when I moved to Oregon. We’ve had a few of those, but it seems like we have far more sunny days than not.”
“You came at a great time of year. Our winters can be cold and stormy.”
“I’m looking forward to watching the storms roll in.”
Jenna loved the drama of sitting in front of her bay window as the sea turned dark and frothy. “You might get your wish earlier than later,” she told him. “A summer storm is supposed to hit tomorrow night. Tonight, I guess. Around ten or so. I just hope it holds off until later than that as I’m having my book club out here tomorrow evening.”
“That sounds fun.”
“What’s not to love about it? Good friends talking about books, eating food and enjoying adult beverages.”
He nodded to the overturned furniture in front of him. “Good thing I had a wild hare to fix the chairs, then. I would hate for one of your book club friends to sit down, only to have the whole thing fall apart.”
“Yes. Great timing. Can I help you with anything here?”
“I’m nearly done. You could hold the flashlight for me, if you’d like. I’ve got the headlamp, but every time I turn my head, I can’t see what I’m doing.”
She picked up the flashlight he indicated, perched on one of the chairs he had apparently already tightened, and aimed it at the chair in front of him. Theo spent a moment sniffing around the pergola, then found a spot to curl up on atop one of the chair cushions.
A subtle intimacy seemed to curl around them, here in the quiet of the garden. Was this the reason she had been drawn outside? Had some part of her suspected he might be out here, the part of her that couldn’t seem to stay away from this man?
She didn’t want to think so.
“What time are you expecting Brielle’s mom to return?”
“Their plane lands in Portland around noon, so a few hours after that.”
“I’m sure Brie has missed her.”
“They’ve talked on the phone nearly every day, but yeah. They’re very close. Lacey is a great mom.”
“That’s good of you to say. I’ve heard other divorced parents who aren’t nearly as complimentary of their exes.”
He made a sound that was somewhere between a grunt and a sigh. “We’re much better friends now than we ever were when we were married.”
“Has it been hard for you, seeing Lacey go on with her life?” He must have loved her once, dreamed of a future with her.
This time the sound he made definitely sounded like a laugh. “Not one tiny bit. She deserves to be happy. Lacey had to carry a lot after I went to prison. She really stepped up. I can never repay her for that.”
“How did you meet her?”
She wasn’t only making conversation. She genuinely wanted to know, Jenna thought, as he turned that chair over and moved to work on another one. She followed with the flashlight, taking a seat on the chair he had just fixed.
“Friend of a friend. I was stationed in North Carolina and she came down from Michigan to visit a friend in the area, who happened to be dating one of my buddies. We went on a couple of double dates and then just sort of...fell into a relationship.”
He was quiet, his muscles flexing as he tightened the screws on the underside of the chair. “She was desperate to escape a tough family life, and I was getting ready to head overseas after a transfer to Germany. We decided to tie the knot before I left so she could come with me. Not an uncommon story in the military.”
“How long were you in Germany?”
While he worked, he talked about his military service and some of the experiences he’d had, not only there but during a short stint in the Middle East, protecting the base and being fired on by militants.
As they talked and she came to understand him a little, Jenna was aware of a grim realization.
She was doing a lousy job of resisting him.
In fact, quite the opposite.
She was falling for him.
The truth washed over her, and for an instant, she wobbled the flashlight in her shock. He looked over and she quickly corrected it.
Oh no. What had she done?
This wasn’t simply an attraction. She was falling in love with him.
He definitely didn’t feel the same way. Yes, he was attracted to her, but that was it. He had given her no indication that his feelings might run deeper.
Oh, what a mess.
They lived in the same house. Yes, they had different apartments, but it was impossible to avoid the other Brambleberry House tenants. How would she be able to live one floor below him? Could she possibly return to merely being friends when she was beginning to realize how very much more she wanted?
She didn’t want to move out. She loved this house and so did Addie. But how could she stay here and keep her feelings to herself, when she saw him day after day and when their daughters were becoming such close friends?
“What’s wrong?” he asked. She looked up to find him watching her, an expression of concern on his face.
She couldn’t tell him any of the thoughts racing through her head. He wouldn’t want to hear that his foolish neighbor was getting all kinds of inappropriate ideas about him.
She pasted on a smile, hoping the darkness would conceal her sudden distress. “Nothing. Everything’s fine,” she lied.
“Are you sure? You were frowning like you just spotted a skunk walking through the lilac bushes.”
“Oh, I hope not! Don’t you think Theo would alert us to any wandering creatures making their way through the yard?”
“Him?”
He pointed to the dog, curled up on the cushion and snoring softly.
She was grateful to turn the subject. “He’s not turning into the greatest watchdog, is he? On the plus side, he’s the most mellow dog ever and loves everybody. Not an aggressive bone in his body.”
“I’m sure he still has enough protective instincts to watch out for you and Addie if the need arises. Dogs are amazing like that.”
They talked about some of the dogs he had worked with in prison and the two great dogs he’d had when he was young, before his father died.
Jenna wasn’t at all tired, though she knew she would pay the price the next day. She would be lucky to stay awake until book club.
She knew she should go inside, to figure out what she was going to do next, but she couldn’t seem to make herself move.
After she had been outside about a half hour, he set the last chair upright and took off his headlamp, switching it off. “There you go. That’s the last one.”
She handed him the flashlight. He aimed it downward, though didn’t shut it off.
“Thank you for doing that. I’m sure my book club members will appreciate chairs that don’t fall apart in the middle of dinner.”
“Always a good thing, right?”
She managed a smile, and as he gazed down at her, sparkling awareness seemed to shiver to life between them.
Jenna wanted him to kiss her, even though she knew it would only leave her wanting more. She saw him swallow and had the most inappropriate urge to press her mouth to the strong column of his neck.
“I should...” She pointed to the house.
In the light cast from the flashlight, his expression seemed remote, hard. “Probably a good idea.” His voice suddenly seemed abrupt and she wondered what she had done.
“Are you staying out a little longer?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you sure? It has to be nearly two.”
“I’ll get there eventually.”
Though she knew she needed to go inside, she was reluctant to leave him out here by himself.
They gazed at each other for a long moment as the night air seemed to sigh around them.
“Do you want to know the real reason I came out here?” he asked, his voice low and his features in shadow.
She shook her head, suddenly unable to find her voice.
“I had to do something physical to keep myself distracted from wanting something I can’t have.”
Her breath seemed to catch at the intensity of his words, the raw emotion there.
“What’s that?” she finally asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
“I think you know, Jenna. You. You are what I want.”
Heat rushed from her brain to pool in her belly, her thighs.
She swallowed, not sure how to answer him, finally settling on the truth.
“That’s the reason I couldn’t sleep, either. I keep remembering...kissing you.”
He made a low sound, raw and hungry, and then the flashlight tumbled to the ground, pitching them into darkness as he reached for her.
When he kissed her, everything inside her seemed to sigh a welcome. She had wanted him to kiss her again for days. Forever, it seemed.
The reality was far better than any of her memories, and she was lost in the magic of his touch.
They kissed for a long time, tasting and exploring while the dog snored softly and the night breeze stirred the flowers around them.
She was only vaguely aware of Wes lowering down to one of the pergola chairs and pulling her with him onto his lap, where she seemed to fit perfectly. She felt a fleeting moment of gratitude that he had reinforced the chairs. How mortifying if one clattered apart underneath them.
The thought made her smile a little and he eased his mouth away.
“What’s so funny?”
“I hope you knew what you were doing when you tightened the screws or we might be in for an unpleasant surprise.”
His mouth lifted with a smile that left her breathless. “I wouldn’t care. I would still want to kiss you amid the rubble of a dozen chairs.”
She shivered at the intensity of his expression, the heat of him surrounding her.
“You’re cold,” he murmured.
She shook her head, though reality was beginning to push through the haze of desire.
What were they doing? What was she doing? A few more moments out here and she would have completely surrendered.
Though it was painfully hard, she slid off his lap. “I should never have come out here. I’m sorry. We...we can’t do this.”
He froze for a long second, heat and desire mixing with confusion in his gaze. “Why not?” he asked on a growl.
She released a long breath. “We both know where it would lead. Where would we go? Your apartment? We can’t because Brielle is inside. My apartment? Addie.”
He gazed at her, his breathing ragged.
“Even if the girls weren’t inside, you know it wouldn’t be a good idea,” she said, hating herself for what she had to do.
“Right now, it feels like a damn good idea.”
The fierce hunger in his voice thrummed through her.
He rose as well and in the darkness, she could only make out his profile. “You should know, this isn’t just physical for me, though that’s certainly a factor. I think about you all the time, Jenna. When I’m not with you, I want to be. When I am with you, I want to savor every second of it until I get the chance to spend time with you again.”
A torrent of emotions poured through her at his words. Tenderness, joy, heat, need.
She wanted to lean into his words, to grab them and treasure them against her heart.
This seemed so very different from the love she and Ryan had shared. Their relationship had been like hot cocoa on a cold winter night. Warm, comforting, sustaining.
This thing between her and Wes was something else entirely.
More like cocoa with a heavy dash of hot sauce.
As much as she longed to consume every drop, a cold fear seemed to spread from her stomach outward, like frost blooms on the window.
She had fought so hard to be in a good place. Wes threatened to ruin all of that peace and calm.
She already had feelings for him. If she gave in to this heat between them, she would fall irrevocably in love and would end up bruised and broken.
But what if she didn’t? a little voice whispered. What if they were able to work through all their differences and find happiness together?
It would be amazing. She had no doubt.
I think about you all the time, Jenna. When I’m not with you, I want to be. When I am with you, I want to savor every second of it until I get the chance to spend time with you again .
His words seemed seared into her heart. Was it possible he could be falling in love with her, too?
No. She couldn’t believe it. His world was tattoos and motorcycles, while hers was book clubs and parent-teacher conferences. This heat would pass, like the storms that blew through Cannon Beach. After it was gone, what would they possibly have between them?
“I can’t,” she whispered, despising herself for giving in to the fear but unable to face the alternative.
“Because I’ve been in prison.”
At his flat, emotionless tone, she stared at him, wishing she could see better in the darkness, could grab the flashlight from the ground and aim it at him so she could read his expression.
“No. That has nothing to do with it. Do you want the truth? Okay. I’m afraid, Wes. There it is. Four years ago, my husband died and left me devastated, then just as I was beginning to come back to life, I became tangled up with the wrong man and ended up in another version of hell. I’m finally beginning to figure things out again. I can’t... I don’t want to mess that up. Not for me and not for Addie.”
“Why would this mess everything up?”
She sighed, moving away. “I love living here in Brambleberry House. So does Addie. I don’t want to leave. But what if we give in to this heat between us and something goes wrong? How would I possibly be able to stay here?”
He was quiet for a long moment. When he spoke, his voice was low. “But what if everything between us goes right ?”
His kisses certainly felt right to her. And she loved being with him and could spend all night talking to him out here in the pergola.
For a moment, she was tempted. So very tempted.
But she had ignored her instincts once with Aaron by going on a second date with him. She couldn’t take that kind of risk again when she had so much at stake.
She didn’t for a moment think Wes would hurt her intentionally. But she was already half in love with the man. If they gave in to this desire between them, how would she possibly protect what was left of her heart?
“I’m sorry,” she said again. Despising herself, she grabbed a confused Theo and hurried back to the house.
After Jenna left so abruptly, Wes stayed in the pergola, staring at the night sky peeking through the open slat roof.
If this was love, he didn’t want it. This ache in his chest, in his bones. In his heart.
He couldn’t blame Jenna for not wanting to further explore the attraction between them and pursue a relationship.
How could he?
Wes wasn’t exactly a prize. She had talked about her baggage, but he had so much he needed a damn cargo tanker to carry it all.
He sighed, frustrated all over again at the circumstances of his life that had led him here.
Would he change it if he could?
It was a stunning thought.
If he hadn’t been arrested, he probably wouldn’t be here in Cannon Beach, living upstairs from her.
He looked at the house, cold and dark now where it was usually so warm and filled with life.
She was right. How would they both be able to remain here, with these raw, unfulfilled emotions between them? He would find it excruciating to live one floor above her, to be so close to her but know she would remain forever out of reach.
Even now he wanted to march up those stairs, break down her door and pull her into his arms.
How could he stay here?
She had said she didn’t want to move. He didn’t want to leave Brambleberry House, either. The house was warm and comfortable, and the view and proximity to the water would be hard to beat somewhere else within his price range.
He would have an easier time moving, though. He had brought very little with him, and it would be simple enough to pack it up into his truck and find somewhere else to live.
It made the most sense. She had been here for years. This was her daughter’s home. If they found the situation completely untenable, he would have to start looking for another place. He didn’t know where he would go, only that he had to stay in town. He had been separated from Brie for long enough. He wouldn’t do it again.
Would anywhere else along the coast be far enough to help him get over Jenna?
He wasn’t sure.
What choice did he have? Whatever her reasons, she had made it clear she didn’t want things to move forward.
His only option was to try like hell to put away his feelings, to focus on Brie and the future and rebuilding his life.