Chapter 26
Jamison
“Did you know that in the course of publishing eight books Bell Whether only says the word ‘love’ eighteen times?” I held the microphone in one hand. I wanted to look relaxed and comfortable, but I couldn’t. Instead, I rubbed at the back of my neck as sweat beaded at my hairline.
All day I’d been trying to talk to Sadie, and with each failed attempt I grew more afraid that my opportunity was gone. That I’d never get the chance to tell her how sorry and wrong I was. She didn’t owe me another chance. But if she’d give it to me, I’d never let her down again.
And so, I considered how to shape my argument. How could I speak to the room but get my message to her? I pulled on my years building a counter argument, tweaking my speech for her. I hoped it would be enough to get her attention—that it might be enough for me to get the chance to say sorry.
She stared intensely at the bubbles clinging to the sides of her champagne flute as they drifted and fizzled to the surface—giving me as little of her focus as was possible.
Something told me that if we went back to Chicago like this, it really was done. Maybe it was paranoia on my part, but the stakes were immeasurable.
“But when we feel love, that’s when words fail us,” I went on.
“How do you encompass a feeling so powerful and desired into a series of letters and syllables? I thought about that a lot in preparing for this speech. I haven’t figured it out.
But I’ve come to the realization that it’s more important to just show up—even when you’re imperfect about it.
That it takes bravery to be in love. I really like the way Sadie put it—being their champion.
“We get caught up in the big moments—the first date, the proposal, the wedding day—but it’s the everyday opportunities that really hold substance.
It’s showing up only armed with cupcakes and not being scared off by a couple tears.
It’s listening when the person you love tells you what they need.
It’s admitting to being afraid instead of running away. ”
Sadie’s head was still turned down, but her eyes had lifted and fixed on me.
My stomach tossed as I stood perfectly still. “Some people know this innately, and they’re really good at it. The rest of us will be fortunate to figure it out, hopefully not too late.”
With my face burning, I felt bared.
“Mike and June are definitely in the first group,” I said.
“These two have been unwavering in their commitment. I never stop being impressed by you. And just like in Belle’s books, we all recognize a love story”—I paused to give June and my brother a meaningful look.
But just as quickly as it landed my gaze drifted to meet Sadie’s—”because you know it when you see it. ”
I took a step backward, ensuring that I wasn’t blocking anyone’s view of the bride and groom and grabbed my champagne flute off the table to raise it over my head.
“Let’s hear it for Mike, the best brother I could ask for, and June, my new favorite family member.”
The first dance was with my mom and brother, and missing my dad walked hand-in-hand with the joy of the moment.
Then June and her dad danced. Sadie watched on with tears clinging to her eyes.
After June and Mike’s first dance, the floor opened up to the rest of the guests.
I wanted to try again to speak to Sadie but felt any more attempts to talk to her tonight would be a blatant violation of her boundaries.
I stood in a group with my Uncle Bill and Derrik, listening to them shoot the shit, when a tap on my shoulder pulled my attention away.
Sadie bit down on her lower lip, her blue eyes sparkling in the gold lighting overhead.
Just like the first time I’d seen her today, I was blown away by her beauty.
The soft pink of her flowing dress made her skin radiant.
It hugged her waist and ended just below her knee.
Her tits looked so fucking good in it it was a challenge not to stare.
“Will you dance with me?” she asked.
I pushed my drink into Derrik’s chest hard enough to make it almost spill. He snorted, taking it from me.
“Yes.” I took hold of her hand leading her onto the dance floor without another word.
Her fingers fit in mine like they were meant to be there.
The imminent probability of her in my arms was all I could think about.
My heart pounded against my ribs filling my ears with my pulse.
I exhaled one long breath between my lips.
Slowly, I spun her under my arm, once to place a hand on her waist. In the back corners of my mind, I knew there were other people swaying near us, but they might as well not have existed.
There was only Sadie.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted. “Last night . . . I was so fucking wrong.”
She tilted her head looking between my eyes. “You seemed pretty overwhelmed.”
“I was still wrong.” My fingers twitched, and I tugged her a bit closer without thinking.
“I want to make it up to you. You’re right, I have a lot of growing to do.
But I will. I won’t fuck it up again. A deciding factor to buying this condo was being around you more, and I was too oblivious to realize it’s because I’ve loved you for months.
It’s just a couple blocks from your place.
I can grab coffee for you every morning and we can commute to work together.
We can take this as fast or slow as you want.
We can make this anything we want, as long as we’re together. ”
For a moment, all I could hear was the rush of blood in my ears and the song playing from the speakers. If she didn’t like what I’d just said, she’d have an even more awkward voicemail to delete later. This was desperation, and it had me by the throat.
“I’m scared,” she said to my chest, “but I don’t want to run.”
I tried to force my breathing to remain level, as adrenaline spiked in my system. It wasn’t a clear statement that we could go back to where we’d been yesterday, but it was a start.
“What can I do to make this less scary?” I asked.
“Just keep proving you’ll be there.”
Tilting her chin up, I stared into her blue eyes sparkling in the strung overhead lights. “I’ll be right here.”
“I will be too.”
After never saying the words to any other woman before, it seemed like the last thing I had to say would be nerve-racking. But it wasn’t. The words slipped from between my lips like they’d been waiting to be spoken. “Sadie, I love you.”
A slow contented smile spread across her lips. “I love you too.”
She kissed me until we had to pause our dancing and the slow song transitioned to something upbeat, and we parted to join in the more chaotic movements around us. I kept my eyes on her the whole time, unable to absorb all of her brightness and passion.
***
Sadie and I waited for June and Mike to leave the reception before we made our departure.
We left with our fingers entwined, and a contented energy between us.
When we reached the path separating the resort and the beach, just like the first night, I had the urge to take my shoes and socks off and dip my toes into the ocean.
We turned toward our building, but I stared out at the smooth surface.
“What’s up?” Sadie asked.
“I kinda want to put my feet in the water,” I said.
“What’s stopping you?”
I contemplated for a moment, then said, “Nothing.”
I lifted one foot to remove my dress shoe and then the other.
I tucked my socks into the shoes hanging from my fingers and took a step onto the sand.
With the sun set, the grains were cold under the soles of my feet—growing colder with each step closer to the water.
With each stride I picked up speed. By the time a wave drifted over my toes I was desensitized to the freezing water.
I planted myself there, under the endless stretch of stars and deep night sky at the edge of a body of water so large I couldn’t comprehend the space it took up—the lives living in its depths and along its edges.
I felt Sadie’s presence before I heard her muffled footsteps approaching at my side.
Without saying a word, she hugged her arms around my waist, and I hooked my arm around her shoulders pulling her tighter to my side.
Too overwhelmed with love and gratitude that in all the different possibilities this life had to offer, all the different ways that our lives could have sent us in opposite directions, somehow she was there at my side.
I couldn’t form any of this into words. Not yet.
Our breathing synchronized.
My heart rate slowed.
Peace settled like a blanket through my usually anxious mind.
She snuggled her cheek closer to my chest, and shivered.
Looking down at her, I took in the goosebumps along her arms. “Are you cold?”
“But I don’t want to go, yet,” she answered.
I turned to face her, tucking her arms under my tux to hold her flush against my chest. Her mouth was soft against mine as I drank in her kiss.
She tasted like champagne, and my brain swam.
My blood rushed and a heady buzz warmed under my skin.
She sighed at the back of her throat tilting her head to give me deeper access, and I took it.
With each breath that passed between us, I devoted more of myself to her.
To always listen when she was upset. To be her support when everything else weighed her down.
To be her refuge when the world got too demanding.
For the rest of my life, I’d be imperfect, but I’d be hers.
It was enough.
Hooking my arm under her knees, I lifted her into my arms spraying salty water on my pants. “Let’s warm you up.”
She giggled wrapping her arms around my neck as I carried her to my room.