12. Falcor.
Falcor.
HARLOW
T he beauty of the Heart of the Scorched Lands isn’t enough to make me forget my frustration, but it helps.
I’ve never seen so many stars in the heavens, hanging above an ocean of dunes reflecting the moonlight, as far as the eye can see.
The trees around the sacred oasis are green and heavy with fruits.
The nomads of the desert are surprisingly warm toward us, considering we’re the descendants of the invaders.
Jayce has nurtured his relationship with them over a few years, apparently.
They have lit fires every hundred feet to cook their meals and bring light to their revelries.
Freddy has opened a few casks of wine, to everyone’s delight.
I’m nursing a clay mug myself, handed over by a nomad, but I don’t intend to get drunk. I’m too raw tonight to take the risk. Too much liquid courage and I’ll start spouting off accusations at the captain.
Jayce has been giving me the cold shoulder since the night when I slept in his cabin.
I woke up alone that morning, naked and vulnerable.
I waited, but he never came back. Eventually, I put some clothes on and braved the world to find him manning the Blunder , showing no sign of what had happened between us the previous night, even though he’d given me the best blowjob of my entire life.
Like a fool, I still expected him to come see me the next night. I lingered in the galley, then kept my door open as I went to bed. But Jayce never made an appearance.
Days passed, and my confusion turned into anger. I don’t know why he regrets our brief night together, and it pisses me off. But under the resentment, doubt has taken root. Did he expect reciprocation after the blowjob and I failed to provide? Was he disappointed in me in some way?
I hate self-doubt, for I have an affinity for it. Over the years, I taught myself how to turn it into rage, for rage is more productive than self-loathing. Once I get that fire going, it can burn for months.
And Jayce is playing with fire.
I kept my distance from him all day, as I don’t want to look like a puppy following him around, hoping for scraps, but I can’t prevent my constant awareness of where he is. My eyes always find him, no matter where he is, and I’m angry with myself as much as I am with him.
Get a grip, Harlow. It was only a blowjob. A mind-blowing one, certainly, but it’s not the end of the world.
But what hurt the most was what came before the blowjob. Jayce protected me from dragon fire while calling me baby. He fed and bathed me. I let my guard down with him, like a fool with his heart on his sleeve.
I sigh deeply and stare at the red wine, as dark as blood, at the bottom of my clay mug.
“Why the long face?” someone says to me with the heavy accent of the desert nomads.
I look up. The newcomer is wearing a dark blue robe, and he pulled back his sun-protecting hood to reveal his youthful, tan face and blinding smile. He’s the same height as me.
“Excuse me?” I say.
“Why do you look so…” he hesitates, “ forlorn ?”
“I’m not,” I lie. “I’m just a little tired.”
“Hmmm, very well. You’re the new dragoner? The last time the Blunder landed here, it was a fidgety man. And the time before that, an old woman. Are they dead?”
I nod. “Yes. The last one, that’s for certain…”
“Good. You’re much easier on the eye. That’s how you say it, right? Easier on the eye? You outlanders have odd expressions.”
“I… yes.”
His honesty is disconcerting. Am I supposed to feel flattered, or should I be offended that he’s happy the last dragoner died so I could have the job?
“All your crew are good-looking,” he continues. “You’re very lucky. Does your captain fuck well?”
I almost drop my clay mug. “Excuse me?” I ask, dumbfounded.
“Captain Jayce Hawkins. Does he fuck well? I want to be sure he’s worth my time. I asked your giant to spend the night with me, but he’s already married, and we respect the law of marriage above all else here. But your captain appears to be free-spirited and single.”
I gape at him, at a loss for words. The fire raging inside me wants to burn him, too. But he’s not the target of my ire, nor does he deserve it. He’s allowed to be frivolous with whomever he wants, even if it happens to be Jayce.
“I don’t know if he fucks well,” I choke out. He sure knows how to suck dick, though… “You should ask him.” The words taste bitter on my tongue.
The man shrugs. “You’re right.”
As if summoned by our mention of him, Jayce walks to us with a smile. He’s so damn… good-looking , even when he pisses me off.
He’s been avoiding me for days now, but of course he appears when there’s another beautiful man in the vicinity. I grind my teeth.
“Good evening, fellas,” he says. “How’s the wine?”
“Excellent,” I say curtly. “Now, if you’ll excuse me.”
The nomad watches me quizzically.
But before I can walk away, Jayce says, “Where are you going?”
“I don’t see how it’s any of your business.”
“But it is. As long as you live on the Blunder , you’re my responsibility.”
“But we’re not on the Blunder , are we?”
“You’ve got some important place to be?” he says, somehow sharing a look with the other man, which pisses me off even more.
“Please have fun together,” I gesture to the both of them before walking away.
“Harlow—”
I make my way through the revelry and disappear into the dancing crowd. I stay around the fire for a while, but the festivities are impossible to enjoy in my state. After a while, I climb a dune, far enough to have some peace.
The music sounds so far away now; the drums resembling the heartbeat of the Heart of the Scorched Land. I never dreamed I would travel to such places. I should enjoy it, but all I can think about is what Jayce and the nomad are doing now. Are they slipping into a tent for a good time?
I groan. “Get a grip, Harlow. It’s not that big of a deal.”
It’s not. Really . I force myself to relax and watch the desert.
Moments later, Kuroki appears to sit at the top of the dune with me, burying his naked feet in the sand—where are his shoes?
“Pretty, innit?” he says drunkenly, gesturing at the ocean of sand.
“Breathtaking.”
“Just like you, handsome.” He snorts.
I know he’s not flirting. Kuroki only has eyes for our mechanic.
“What are you doing here?” I ask. “Shouldn’t you be with Wilbur?”
Sadness creeps into his voice as he says, “He went to bed already.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. The man needs his beauty-sleep. You know… to make sure his muscles stay sharp and…” He sways in the sand.
“You really love him, don’t you?”
“Oh, fuck, I really do,” he sobs.
I suddenly realize how insensitive I’ve been.
I’ve been moping about my silly infatuation for days, but I’m lucky I’m not in love. Kuroki has it worse. From what I understand, he’s been nursing his one-sided love for almost two years.
I throw my arms around him and hug him tight. He sighs over my shoulder, a sound full of longing and pain.
“Why do you keep loving him?” I ask eventually as we both lie on the dune. The sand is still warm from the day.
Kuroki shrugs. “Why shouldn’t I?”
“Because it’s painful.”
“Bah. Plenty of things are painful, but they make life worth living.”
“Aren’t you a smart-ass?” I say, poking him in the side.
He giggles and swats me away. “I’m just smart, no need to add ass .”
“Shouldn’t you tell him?” I say. “Talk to him about your feelings?”
Kuroki shivers. “Oh, gods, no. Can you imagine? He’ll be so confused, then panic, and eventually feel sorry for me.
It’ll change our relationship forever. It took me months to get him used to me.
” He takes a deep breath. “I don’t want to lose him.
These feelings won’t kill me, but losing him might. ”
I sigh. “I don’t know how you do it. I would be angry all the time.”
And yet, talking to Kuroki has lessened some of my resentment. The night is too beautiful to waste on negative feelings.
“Come on, lover boy,” I say. “Let’s go get a drink and dance.”
I offer him a hand, and he takes it, intertwining our fingers. We scramble down the dune like two kids, laughing and falling in the warm sand.
Right before we reach the fires, I ask, “How did you find me, by the way?”
He smiles over his shoulder. “Jayce sent me after you. He said that you needed a friend, so I asked around and came running.”
I don’t know if I feel relieved or pissed off. Did he hope Kuroki would keep me busy while he had fun in the tent with the nomad? But when I come back to the revelry, I notice him around a fire, talking to Alara, and the nomad from earlier is nowhere to be seen.
When the sun rises over the Heart of the Scorched Land the next day, the Blunder is already ready for takeoff. Jayce woke us up in the early hours—I wonder if the man slept at all. I studied the map provided by the nomads over coffee and gave him ideas of where to find the missing dragon.
Falcor disappeared long before our egg thieves made their way south, so I doubt they’re to blame for her disappearance.
They might be out there too, looking for her lair.
Falcor’s nest remains unknown, even to the dragoners’ guild, because of the dangers of her territory.
The volcanoes have been in constant eruption since long before Hargos had a name, and very few care to brave them.
As the hours pass, the wind turns uncomfortably warm, and the columns of ashes from the Burning Coast rise ominously in the blue sky.
“Have you ever been to the volcanoes?” I ask Freddy as he sits by my side on the upper deck half an hour later. He’s so tall my head barely reaches his shoulder, and I have to look up at him.
“Yes. Once. To scavenge the carcass of a young male Falcor had killed.”
“Is it safe?”
“Safe? We’re never safe; we’re fire scroungers,” he says with a wicked smile. “But we should be fine. Volcanoes aren’t about to give chase. So, as long as we stay far enough from the eruptions’ trajectories, we’ll be fine.”