Chapter 6
Chapter Six
V alerie left the office twenty minutes later with a pep in her step. She breezed through Chinatown, paused at a little dumpling place, and ordered enough food for two people. Alone at a table in the middle of a workday, she looked out the window as well-dressed strangers coasted down the street with their hands in their pockets, a chillier San Francisco breeze ruffling their hair. The heatwave was over; September was just a few weeks away.
Valerie got up to get a refill of Diet Coke and spotted a little tourist family on the other side of the street. The parents stood on either side of a little boy and a little girl who looked nearly identical save for the girl’s longer curly hair and the boy’s cropped locks. They were even wearing the same clothes—jerseys for the Oakland A’s, which was a team about to close up forever. The end of an era. Valerie’s gut heaved. For here before her was a mirror of herself and her best friend and brother, Joel. Here before her was a reminder of her life until she was eleven years old, when destiny slammed the door shut between her and happiness.
You thought you could be the same as everyone else? You thought you could be happy? You thought wrong.
Valerie jumped to the bathroom and heaved over the toilet. Nothing came up, but tears skated down her cheeks. She collapsed in the corner and let out several sobs into her hands. It was always like this when she saw a little boy and a girl around the same age. She was always on the brink of falling apart.
When she returned to her table in the dining room, the tourist family was gone. She wondered if she’d imagined them. Once upon a time, she’d done that—imagined things that made her both happier and sadder at once. The mind could play tricks on you, especially when you were at your loneliest.
Valerie checked her phone to find several more missed calls from Bethany and Rebecca and one from her mother. None from Victor. He was probably too busy working on his book to reach out.
Why did Saul Isaacson save my job? What does he want from me?
Valerie paid for her dumplings and Diet Coke and wandered the streets of San Francisco, abandoning her car in pursuit of stretching her legs. Before long, she was at Golden Gate Park, gazing at the red bridge as it surged into the foggy distance. Down the stony beach from her was an elderly man with a thick walking stick. Now and then, he threw a rock into the water, trying to skip it. He never managed.
Valerie considered reaching out to the few friends she had in San Francisco. Maybe she needed to talk to somebody. Perhaps she needed to hash out the events of her life to make sense of them. But most of her friends had children, husbands, and parents to care for. Most of them were at work all day.
When she did manage to meet up with them, they suggested courses of action that seemed ill-suited to Valerie. Why don’t you try to date a normal and nice man again? Do you really want to do everything by yourself?
Valerie felt pathetic. She was exhausted.
And it was with this energy that she entered the karaoke bar that night, grabbed another Diet Coke, and sat in the corner, watching the scene. Just now, a middle-aged man with gray hair to his shoulders sang a David Bowie song and swayed his hips from side to side. He was terrible but smiling throughout the entire tune. He was having the time of his life. His friends were down below the stage, calling his name.
Valerie had never done karaoke. For most of her life after she’d left Nantucket, she’d wanted to walk through a city anonymously, lock herself in her apartment, or hide “behind the scenes” during a party she’d put together for somebody else’s happiness. She hadn’t wanted all eyes upon her.
But it wasn’t the first time she’d been to this particular karaoke bar. The last time had changed her life.
As she sat nursing her Diet Coke, she spotted a broad-shouldered man in the crowd before the stage. With a jolt, she stood. She’d know that messy head of dark-blond curls anywhere. She’d know those subtle shifts to his hips; those movements that meant he wanted to dance so desperately but didn’t know how to fully show himself in a crowd. It’s hard for me to be honest about who I am, he’d said to Valerie so many times. It terrifies me.
Let’s try to teach each other how to be normal, Valerie remembered telling him. Let’s try to carry each other through.
Valerie couldn’t stop herself. She stood from her table and burst through the crowd, weaving herself through sweaty bodies until she stood behind him. Blood pumped past her ears. Just do it. Tell him you’re here. Tell him you miss him. That you missed him ever since he ran away. Better yet, tell him you know you pushed him away. Be honest with him for once in your life!
Valerie took a breath and touched his shoulder. It was just like when she’d spotted him here five years ago. She’d gone up to him, touched his shoulder, and he’d turned around and looked at her with adoration and surprise. Valerie? Valerie Sutton, is that you? The strangest coincidence in the world had changed her life forever.
But now the man twisted around and smiled at her.
Her heart sank into her gut. It’s not him. Why did I think it would be him?
“Hey!” he said. He was friendly. He was sort of good-looking. “Do we know each other?”
Valerie tried to smile, but it fell off her face. “No. Sorry. I thought you were someone else.”
“Sorry to disappoint you. Do you want to dance?” he asked.
Valerie knew in her heart of hearts that if she wanted to, she could have a wonderful and distracting evening with this man. She could dance with him and cheer him on when he sang karaoke. She could even kiss him, if she wanted. Give him her number. But she also knew she didn’t want this to go anywhere. She couldn’t meet the next love of her life at the same karaoke bar five years later. It was too twisted. Plus, she wasn’t capable of love anymore anyway.
“Sorry. I don’t.”
Valerie thought, Don’t you dare cry. Don’t you dare let this stranger see how broken you are.
Valerie returned to her table, closed her eyes, and throbbed with the realization that she’d returned to this karaoke bar to try to change her life all over again—the way she had that first time. It was as though she thought of the bar like a portal. But this place was just a beer-reeking karaoke bar. The woman on stage sang “Total Eclipse of the Heart” terribly, and Valerie was forty-one years old going on what felt like fifty. She’d never had children, and she’d dated more men who hated her than loved her. She’d dated men who wanted to prove themselves rather than love her well.
She’d been married once. But it had ended.
Valerie didn’t wait for the end of “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” Instead, she shuffled outside to inhale fresh seaside air, pulled out her phone, and dialed Bethany. When Bethany didn’t answer, she tried Rebecca. Rebecca answered on the first ring. It felt like something the eldest sister would do. Like she knew her littlest sister needed her just then.
“Val!” she cried. “We’ve been trying to get ahold of you.”
Valerie stopped at the corner and touched the brick wall beside her for stability. The world felt off-kilter.
“Is everything all right?” Rebecca asked.
Valerie should have asked her that. After all, Rebecca’s and Esme’s husbands had both died this year. Bethany had just left hers because he was a misogynistic idiot who didn’t know how special she was. Valerie didn’t have anyone but hadn’t lost anyone lately either. Wasn’t that better?
“Everything’s fine,” Valerie croaked. “Just been busy with events.”
“That’s why we’ve been calling!” Rebecca said. “We really want you to help us with an event here on Nantucket. We tried to do it ourselves, but we’re failing on every front.”
Valerie narrowed her eyes. “What kind of event?”
“It’s for the Sutton Book Club,” Rebecca explained. “You remember how Dad sold off those antique books? We put so much of our proceeds into helping the veterans, and now the restaurant and the Book Club are struggling. Mom doesn’t seem to think it’s that big of a deal, but…” Rebecca trailed off. “She’s been distracted. I think she’s falling back in love with Dad.”
Valerie closed her eyes as an ambulance blasted past and screeched with sirens.
“We can’t let her fall back in love with Dad,” Valerie said.
Rebecca sighed. “I know you still think that. I do. But you’re not here, you know? It’s really felt so nice with him around. He’s changed.”
“I really don’t think men like Victor Sutton ever change,” Valerie declared.
There was silence on the other line. Valerie tried to picture her oldest sister and imagined her in their favorite place: Schneidy’s Beach. Ocean wind ruffled her hair, and an orange sunset glowed across her cheeks. In Valerie’s mind’s eye, Rebecca was laughing. She opened her hand toward Valerie, urging her to dip.
But Valerie was planted firmly on the ground on the West Coast. And Nantucket was three hours ahead of her, which meant it was nearly midnight. Rebecca was probably at the edge of her bed, her skin shiny from a multistep skincare routine. Maybe her new boyfriend Ben was beside her. Maybe he was mouthing, “ Let’s go to sleep ,” and urging Rebecca to get off the phone.
“You told us last time you can expense travel to your company if it’s event-related,” Rebecca said. Her tone was darker.
Valerie considered telling Rebecca that she’d nearly gotten fired today.
“Think of us as a client if you have to,” Rebecca said. “We need you out here as soon as you can.”
Valerie raised her chin and watched as a fluff of ghost clouds dripped past the moon. Could Rebecca see the same moon?
“I have a meeting on Friday,” Valerie said finally.
“Then fly out Saturday,” Rebecca said.
Valerie squeezed her eyes shut and imagined telling Rebecca what she’d learned. Dad’s going to publish a book about us. Dad’s going to use us yet again to boost his career. Once he’s back on top, he’ll abandon everyone. Will Mom be able to handle it again? Will you?
But she didn’t want to destroy the beautiful optimism in Rebecca’s voice. She felt like Godzilla tiptoeing through New York.
Maybe she could go to Nantucket, warn Victor to stop what he’s doing or else, plan the event, and return to San Francisco unscathed. It was a suicide mission. But she was the only person in the world equipped to handle it.