7. September
SEPTEMBER
E llie’s voice is cautious over the phone. “Are you still planning on coming down for the festival next month?”
“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?” I sound defensive to my own ears, and my daughter’s silence on the other end speaks volumes. “It’s a big thing for the both of you. I’m so proud, Ellie, of course I’m going to come along to see the garden.”
Ellie and Van’s garden at Lost Moon is one of the ten chosen this year for the annual Motuwai Island Garden Festival. It’s one that she designed, and I know she puts a lot of her own time into maintaining it. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
“Brett will be there. He helped work on it. He still does too, voluntarily.”
Hearing his name brings a fresh stab of pain, but I’ve already been aching all this time anyway.
“That’s fine.”
“Mm. I love you Mama, and I just want you to be happy. You guys seemed like such a good match. He said it was your choice, and I?—”
“He talked to you about me?” I’m upset and hurt about the situation, but the idea of him complaining to Ellie makes me —
“No, Mama. He’s been crying so much around here that Van had a chat with him — you know Van, he’s pack alpha, and he’s scooping up lone wolves. Van offered Brett a place in the pack if he wanted it, but Brett said no, he’s still connected to his pack in Queensland. But he cries all the time.”
“At work?” My voice is small while I fight to keep the tears at bay.
“After work. Sorry, I mean he shifts into his wolf and cries, you know what it sounds like when they’re sad. It’s heartbreaking. He shifts straight after work, and his wolf goes and sits in the garden and stares out at the ocean and cries and howls, and he’s been doing it for almost two months. He’s the loveliest man, and if you’re not into him that’s fine! But I thought you really were; when I saw you two together you seemed so happy, the happiest you’ve ever been, and now you’ve pulled out of that marathon and —”
“My life is here!” I can’t hold back the hiccupped sob, and I hate that Ellie hears it. “My job is here. The house is here and I’m still paying off the mortgage on the tiny house. Dad is here — I can’t move away from him! I don’t want to waste Brett’s time when he could be finding some gorgeous woman that can live with him — you’ve seen him! He could get anyone! He’s so wonderful, he can find someone, not me who is stuck here!”
“Mum.”
“No, listen to me, he can do better than what I have to offer —”
“Mum! You listen to me! You have so much to offer, and I have money! You don’t even have to work anymore if you don’t want to!”
“I’m not asking for money, I don’t want your money, I’m not going to be a grifter and —”
“Mama, you are not a grifter. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this all anyway, but then the thing with Brett happened and I thought it was best not to push it. I can’t believe it’s all about this anyway.” I can hear her crying, too. “You do want him, don’t you?”
“Your Koro is up here.”
“In a rest home, yeah! He could be in a rest home down here! He could be in his own little house, we can pay for a nurse privately, he can live on the island! Mum! Are you serious that this is what it’s all been about?”
“I’ve been at that job for twenty six years.”
“Exactly. You’ve given it a good run. You’ve helped so many kids, Mum, but you don’t owe them your life or your happiness. There’s children on this island. There’s multiple daycares here.”
She falls quiet, and I clap my hand over my mouth, holding the phone away from my ear, trying not to let her hear me cry.
“Mum? I worry about you. I love you. I love you, and I think he loves you, too.”
And I love him. “It’s scary, Ellie,” I croak. “I have done everything myself for my entire life. I don’t know anything about being in relationships.”
“It’s scary and it’s wonderful,” Ellie replies. “It’s always scary when you love someone. It’s scary because… what if it doesn’t work out? But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take the leap anyway. If you love him and you want to be with him, please don’t let fear stop you from actually living.”
“But the money, Ellie, and Koro …”
“ Koro can move. I’m ninety-nine point nine percent certain that he doesn’t give a shit about the rest home. I think he’d be way happier on Motuwai. I’ve been meaning to suggest it to you, anyway.”
“The mortgage and the house.” I’m just making excuses now. Tears stream down my face. I’ve lived here all my adult life. I can hear the ocean from here.
I can hear the ocean from Brett’s place, too.
“Mama, I will take care of any money stuff. And I know what it’s like, trust me, I was so funny about Van helping me out financially and I still get irrationally protective of my own shit sometimes, but… hundreds of millions , Mum. Van doesn’t need that much. I don’t need that much. We can pay the fifty grand owed on your mortgage. You can find a job on the island, or you could retire early! You can rent both the bach and the tiny home out on a more permanent basis and get regular income coming in from that instead. I’m not trying to push you but —”
“Oh, you’re pushing me.”
“I think you need it, Mum. I hate seeing you stuck, I hate seeing you sad. I want you to be happy. And if you move to Motuwai, you’ll be close to me. You always talk about me giving you mokos … well I’m going to have babies someday , so you better be planning on moving here anyway. I miss you too, you know.”
I nod, despite the fact that she can’t see me. She can hear my sniffles, though, and makes a distressed sound.
“Mama —”
“I’m fine.” I’m not, but I think I will be. If he forgives me. “I have to talk to your Koro . I can’t agree to this on his behalf. I have to check that he’d be willing to move.”
“He’s gonna say yes, Mum,” Ellie says, and I can already hear the excitement in her voice.
“Yes.”
“Dad, don’t you want to think about this for more than a second?”
Dad shakes his head, leaning forward in the single armchair in his bedroom. I’m sitting on a chair I swiped from the dining room. “Nope. You’ve been sad for weeks and weeks, after being so giddy after Ellie’s wedding, and now I know why. And before that you were just going through the motions. I’ve been worried about you for a long time. I want you to be happy.”
“But I want you to be happy, too.”
“You think I’m happy here in this old place? Van already upgraded me to better rooms, but those kids are too far away. I’ll be happier living in a place that I can call my own, that has a garden, that has you and Ellie nearby.”
“One day Brett wants to move back to Australia. When his daughter is eighteen.”
“And Ellie will be a short flight away with her millions of dollars. She can travel the world! You’ll see her just as often as you do now, you can guarantee that. And I’ll probably be dead by then, so that doesn’t affect me.”
“ Dad! ”
“I’m just being realistic. I’ve lived a good life. I want you to live a good life.”
“You lost Mum early.” Dad never remarried, never had any other partners. Once he lost Mum, that was it.
“I did. But you know what, I had thirty happy years with her before that, and they were the best bloody years of my life. I wouldn’t change it for a thing, even if I’d only gotten to love her for a year, I still would have loved her. Any time with her was worth it. That’s how you know they’re the one. Is he worth it?”
I nod, staring out the window at the trees that line the retirement village grounds. I’ve been a bloody fool.
Of course he’s worth it.
I toy with the idea of just showing up at his place completely unannounced. The part of me that loves to avoid big problems wants to do that, but it’s foolish and cowardly. Still, I hold off on messaging him until I’m already on the ferry. It’s a freezing, crisp air, still ocean kind of morning, and I send him a photo of my car on the boat, the stunning Hauraki Gulf in the background. Guess where I’m heading, I caption it. I buy myself a coffee from the small cafeteria on the upper deck, and settle into one of the seats that overlooks the car deck below.
Brett sees the message but doesn’t reply, and I feel sick to my stomach. I’ve fucked this up. Really fucked this up, and he’s not going to want anything to do with me.
The wharf for the car ferry is on the quieter side of the island, away from the passenger ferries and the larger hoards of tourists. I’ve always enjoyed the scenery in this bay, but it’s something else on the shore that catches my attention as I climb down the steps from the upper level.
There’s a wolf on the beach, and I recognise him immediately. Tears blur my vision as I lift a hand to wave at him, and when his loud bark echoes across the bay, his tail wagging, I burst into tears. I’m a sobbing mess as I drive my car off the boat and pull into the very first carpark on the wharf.
He’s already there when I open my door, whining and licking the tears from my face as I cry even louder. I’m vaguely aware that there’s some onlookers with their phones pointed in our direction, but I couldn’t care less right now. Brett’s huge wolf body shudders as he shifts, and in an instant he’s a man, naked, pulling me into his arms, wrapping me up in his warmth.
I love him. It’s not about the fact that he’s a sex god or that he has a handsome face or the fact that he’s got his shit together and is a decent man, though he is all of those wonderful things. It’s just him .
“Hey,” he says softly, rubbing my arms. “Hey,” he repeats, tilting my chin up, wiping tears from my eyes. His yellow eyes are full of warmth. “ Hey, babe, you don’t need to cry.”
“I’m sorry,” I blubber. “I’ve been a fucking idiot.”
He shakes his head. “You were scared. Change is scary.”
“It’s been shit without you around. I missed you so much…” I missed his texts and his voice messages, the random videos he would send. I missed our friendship just as much as I missed all the physical chemistry between us. “I can move here. You deserve better than me, but I…I…” I trail off, still somehow afraid to say how I feel. You’d think I’d be braver at fifty, but I’ve built a wall around me for so long and now it’s all crumbling down.
He can see that. The wonderful thing about Brett is that he makes everything easy. Nothing is too much for him to handle. “I love you,” he says, as if it’s the simplest thing in the world.
And suddenly, it is.
His kiss is all-consuming. I want to drown in him, but eventually I come up for air.
“I love you too.”
I cuddle into him, laughing when he notices the crowd watching us for the first time. “Hey, fuck off, would ya!” he yells, gesturing for them to leave. “And you better bloody not have any pictures of my bare ass!”
“Come on,” I half-laugh, half-sob, tugging on his hand. “Get in the car. I’ll drive us home.”