Chapter 31
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Alexander woke with hair in his face. Blowing it out of his airways, he sat up and took stock. After crying for so long the previous night, Lydia had fallen asleep with her hair clinging to the tears on her face. Now, he brushed them back, smoothing the riotous curls against the silken pillow.
She had accepted him. Not only that, but she had begged him not to leave.
He wasn’t a fool; he knew true acceptance would come with time. Perhaps she didn’t blame him, but his confession had hurt her. The way she’d cried had been proof enough of that.
But she had cried in his arms.
There was nothing he wouldn’t do for her.
Her eyes fluttered open as the first rays of dawn spilled into the room, and she peeked blearily up at him. “Alex…?”
“Good morning, dove,” he murmured, bending to kiss her forehead. “What would you like to do today?”
“Mm.” Her eyelids closed again. Shadows of fatigue lingered beneath her eyes, which were still a little red-rimmed. “For now, I think I don’t want to move…”
“All right.”
“Will you stay?”
He didn’t so much as hesitate. “Of course. Whatever you need. Would you like some hot cocoa? I can ring for some.”
Impossibly, a smile touched her mouth. “Not now.” Her hand found his, fingers curling around his and tugging him closer. “Come here.” He obeyed, and she rested her head against his chest. “You were in my dreams last night.”
He smoothed his hand across her hair again, his gut tightening at what her pronouncement could mean. “Were they… good dreams?”
“We were older, I think. Our children were grown.”
Despite his initial trepidation, his smile slowly grew. “We had children?”
“Four. Two boys and two girls.” Her fingers slid between his, linking them together. “We were lying underneath the stars. It was summer in my dream.” A long, slow sigh left her mouth as her eyes closed again. “It made me think of what the future could look like.”
“Do you often dream of children?”
“No,” she murmured, frowning a little. “This was the first time. I’ve always known I would have children, but I think until I came here—until you came here—I never really wanted them. If you know what I mean.”
“Mm. I know.”
“What about you?”
“Once, I thought myself afraid of the prospect. But I would only be afraid if I didn’t have you.” The silk of her tresses washed through his fingers smoothly as he played with them. “I want you to bear my children, Lydia. That’s a dream of mine.”
For a long moment, there was only silence between them. Her head still rested against his chest, and her fingers still curled around his. Yet, for all their closeness, he was no closer to discovering her thoughts.
Finally, her eyes opened a little and she raised her head. “After tonight, I never want to think about this again…” she whispered. “This will be the last time we discuss it.”
If she meant it, that was a gift far beyond any he could imagine her offering him. “All right.”
“I don’t know if I will ever be able to forget what you told me,” she began anew. “But I know why you felt the way you had.”
“Our entire meeting—our marriage—hinged on it…”
“And that is the only reason I can forgive you.” Her palm flattened against his heart. “Do you love me, Alexander?”
“More than anything,” he said immediately.
“More than the stars above or the earth below. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to deserve you, even though I know I never could.
You inspire me to be a better man, and I will never stop striving to make you happy.
I love you, Lydia, with all that I have, in ways I never knew a man could love a woman.
” He tilted her chin so she was looking at him, so she would know beyond all doubt that he meant every word he said.
“You have all of me already, my darling,” he whispered. “All you need do is accept.”
Her eyes searched his, as though reaching for a reason to disbelieve him. But there was nothing there, and after a long moment, she nodded her head.
“And that is why…” she breathed. “Because you love me. And I have loved you for a very long time. And so I forgive you, because a world in which we are not together is intolerable to me.”
“Then let’s not contemplate it. Let us live here together and make the house ours once and for all. Let’s bring our children up here, and travel to London for the Seasons and to your friends. We’ll make it a home for ourselves.”
She smiled, misty-eyed. “I think that is all I ever wanted.”
“And I am sorry it took me so long to realize I wanted it too.” He caught her hand and pressed it to his cheek. “If I can ever make it up to you—all of it—all you need do is ask.”
Her gaze took on a distinctly mischievous glint. “I want you to kiss me.”
“Now, that,” he murmured, bringing his mouth to hers, “is something I can do.”
He kissed her deeply, rolling her over them so she was straddling his hips and he was pinned underneath her. This way, she would have control over how far they went.
What she perhaps didn’t know was she always had.
Control. Ever since they’d first met, he’d been putty in her hands.
Even before he wanted to admit it to himself, even when he thought having a wife was a bore and he resented her for trying to delay his return—even then, he would have done almost anything for her if she had just asked.
She grinned down into his face. “I’ve almost achieved all the items on my list.”
“What list?”
“Eliza gave me a list tucked in a book when I first arrived here, and I added a few things to it. I suppose it was her way of trying to persuade me to convince you to stay. And perhaps it was what she did with Mr. Godwin.”
Ah, yes. “I think Godwin has been in love with her a lot longer than he would like to admit,” Alexander replied dryly. “The fake engagement was merely a means to an end.”
“Oh, well of course. And for Eliza, too. Not many people match her when she’s at her most spiky and aggressive, and Mr. Godwin always seemed ready to. That’s what she really adores, you know. A challenge. Most gentlemen are intimidated by her.”
“Most gentlemen are fools,” Alexander said, safe in the knowledge that he, too, was a fool a lot of the time. And by the way she looked adoringly at him, she knew it, too. “I am glad they’ve endeavored to overcome their differences.” He paused, looking down at her. “May I see this list?”
“It is in my writing desk,” she hummed, nodding to the item of furniture in question. “I kept it in there.”
He left her in the bed to hunt out this list. All this time, she had been attempting to tick off items on her list?
He had a sudden and urgent desire to know what those items were.
Finally, he found the sheet of paper, half the writing unfamiliar.
The last item on the list was to meet again in the place they first met.
He looked back at her to see she was watching with curiosity and a little trepidation.
“You wanted us to meet at the pond again?” he asked, his throat a little tight.
“I always wanted you to know who I was, even if you didn’t remember me at first.” A smile crossed her face, more beautiful than any sunrise he had ever seen. “That wasn’t quite how I’d imagined it, but I suppose we achieved it yesterday.”
“In fact, we have everything here,” he murmured, skimming through the single page. “All except for whispering scandalous things in my ear in public.” At the thought, his heart beat faster, blood rushing south. “I… feel deprived.”
“Well, perhaps we can do that a little later,” she chuckled softly, tilting her head. “There will be future engagements, I am certain.”
“Indeed, there will.” He hesitated, looking down at her list again. There was no more need for it; if its purpose had been to seduce him into wanting to stay, she had more than succeeded. Yet… it seemed a shame to dispose of it entirely. “May I add something?”
For a moment, she merely blinked. Her lips parted, and then she nodded. “Of course.”
He strode back to the writing desk and found her pen, dipping it into the ink and writing, as elegantly as he could, the final item. One, that he hoped, would take them quite some time to complete.
“What is it?” she asked as he walked back to the bed.
“One item.” He held it up for her perusal. At the bottom, he had written Spend the rest of our lives together. “Do you think we could achieve it?”
A smile bloomed across her lips. The grief had not disappeared entirely, but time would heal what his apologies and adoration could not, and he marveled a little at his certainty—when before he had been certain of nothing at all!
“I think…” she whispered, taking his hand and bringing it to her lips, “I would very much like to try, husband of mine.”