Chapter 32
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Sebastian leaned against the rough stone of the lighthouse. Above him, the sky raged. Lightning and thunder vied for prominence, and the wind howled. Seagulls wheeled above him, but even they looked as though they strained against the gale.
Had he been standing, it might well have ripped him from his seat.
As it was, he had a first-hand view of the sea in all its otherworldly magnificence.
This was what Catherine must have seen. Standing at this lighthouse while the storm raged, while the world tore itself apart around her. He understood now why she had come here. Why this place had called to her when the pain became too much.
He was not going to jump. That answer was not his, would never be his. But there was a circularity to his presence here, in the height of a storm, that brought him peace, in a bittersweet way. The wind trying to shove him toward the edge. The rain like needles. The sea below, wild and hungry.
Her death was not his fault.
The realization settled into his bones with quiet certainty. He had made mistakes, yes. Been cold when she needed warmth, absent when she needed him present. But Catherine had made her own choice that night. Just as he was making his now.
And it was most certainly not out of some twisted bitterness over the woman he loved…
The truth hit him so hard he actually laughed. The sound ripped out of him, half-mad, and he fell backward onto the wet grass.
Of course he loved her! How could he possibly not?
Aurelia, with her sharp tongue and sharper mind. Aurelia, who had been the first to glimpse his broken pieces and stayed anyway. Who had made his cold house feel like a home. Who had burrowed so deep into his chest, he could not imagine drawing breath without her.
God, he loved her. The force of it was staggering.
He could sit here in this storm and survive it. He could walk back down these cliffs and live with his mistakes, his failures, his guilt. He could be the man she deserved instead of the coward he had been.
He would be that man. For her.
For the rest of his days, he would make sure all she knew was how it felt to be chosen.
When he returned, he would find Aurelia and tell her.
No more half-truths, no more careful distance.
He would lay himself bare. Tell her she was not an obligation or a broodmare or some temporary inconvenience.
Tell her she was everything. That he loved her beyond reason, beyond sense, beyond his own capacity to understand it.
That losing her had carved him hollow.
Lightning split the sky, so close now he felt it in his bones. Rain began in heavy drops that turned to deluge, soaking through his coat in seconds. He gasped at the cold. Late May, and winter had returned with vindictive fury.
He hoped Aurelia had found shelter before this hit. She would be somewhere warm and safe, trying to piece herself back together after what he had done to her.
Perhaps she would forgive him. Perhaps love was not entirely one-sided, and she would come back.
If he closed his eyes, he could almost hear her voice calling to him through the storm.
Sebastian!
Delusions now. Perfect. He was losing his mind along with everything else.
The cold had steadily seeped into his bones. He had not dressed for a storm, had not expected it to roll in so fast. The day had been mild when he left the house.
“Sebastian?” This time, the sound came closer, whipped to him by the wind, and just as desperate as he had felt when searching for Kate.
Slowly, he raised his head, squinting against the torrent. The wind hurled itself against the clifftop as though it intended to knock down the lighthouse entirely.
“Sebastian!”
His head immediately whipped back. These were no delusions—this was real!
She was here!
He whirled, staggering to his feet, bracing himself against the tempest that threatened to knock him flying, and peered at the small path leading to the lighthouse through a firm hand.
A figure. Tiny, hunched against the gale, one hand clamped to her bonnet, the other white-knuckled around a twisted tree by the steps of the lighthouse.
No.
No.
His mind struggled to process the evidence of his eyes.
“Aurelia!” The wind ripped her name from his throat. He launched himself toward her, fighting for every step. The gale shoved him backward, sideways, tried to hurl him off the cliff entirely.
“Aurelia—what are you doing here?!”
The distance between them closed with agonizing slowness. She was soaked through, shaking so hard he could see it even through the rain. Face white as death. Still clinging to that tree with frozen fingers because letting go meant the wind would take her.
She had run into a storm for him.
Lightning cracked, so close the world went white. Thunder exploded on its heels. The cliff edge by the lighthouse steps was ten feet away. Maybe less. One strong gust and she would lose her grip.
He threw himself forward, fighting the wind for every inch. His boots slipped on wet grass. He did not slow down.
“Hold on for me!”
She turned her head. Saw him. Her mouth moved but the wind tore the words away.
Five more steps. Four. The tempest tried to shove him sideways, off the cliff. He dug in harder.
Three steps.
Two.
He lurched forward and grabbed her shoulders, yanked her away from the tree, and immediately pressed her against his chest. Solid. Real. Freezing cold.
His heart was going to explode. She could have died getting here! Could still die if he did not get her to shelter. The cliff edge was too close, the wind too vicious, and she was so small against the fury of it. Why had she come?
“Are you hurt?” He had to shout it directly into her ear. His hands moved over her arms, her back, searching for blood, for cuts, for anything wrong. “What the devil were you thinking? You could have been killed!”
She was shaking too hard. Her lips had gone blue. Her small hands came to grip the lapels of his coat, which was wholly unsuited for this weather. “I could ask you the same question!”
He shook his head, pulling her back under the dubious shelter of the tree. “I misjudged the weather and decided to wait the storm out. But Aurelia, why did you come back?”
“Because you left for the lighthouse, and no matter how angry I am at you, I can’t bear the thought of history repeating itself.” Her voice cracked, and he felt his own heart break at the sound of it. “I was going to drag you from the edge no matter what it took!”
“Aurelia.” He stroked her salt-sodden hair, pushing the wet strands back from her eyes. “You are half my size, little mouse. And you know I would never have jumped.”
“I don’t know what. If I had—” She shook her head, tears mixing with the rain on her face. “I can’t lose you, Sebastian.”
“I know, my shepherdess.” He crushed her to him, rocking her tight as the storm howled all around them. Out here, they were vulnerable. When he had been alone, being vulnerable was preferable to returning to the house—but not when it involved risking Aurelia’s life.
She was too precious.
In a moment, he would lead her back to the house, and everything would be as it was.
But for now—for now, all he wanted to do was hold her.
His hand cradled the back of her head. Her arms locked around his ribs.
The tree gave almost no shelter. Thunder crunched overhead, close enough to rattle his bones. The storm was nearly on top of them.
He dragged in a salt-chilled breath that hurt. Then pulled back just enough to see her pale face. Looking up at him like he was worth dying for.
The words ripped out of him.
“I love you!” Her eyes went wide. He said it again, louder, fierce. “I love you, Aurelia. In a way I have never loved another woman. I cannot imagine my life without you. Now or forever.”
She shook her head, water dripping from the end of her nose. “Not here!”
He grimaced. Perhaps declaring his love for her in the middle of a storm hellbent on killing them both was not the best way of going about things. She had made him lose his mind. At least she was wearing a coat, although it was already soaked through.
“Let’s go home!”
For a second, it looked as though she might object, perhaps even fight him about where they were to go—as though there was anywhere else for them to go. Right now, his house was closer. They could save anything else for after the storm passed.
He wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “Come on,” he yelled against her ear. “Let’s go.”
The entire walk back to the house, bent almost double against the wind, Aurelia kept replaying Sebastian’s declaration in her head.
I love you.
In a way I have never loved another woman.
The way he’d said it—the words had nearly burst from him as he looked at her, as though he could not have looked at her for any longer and not said them.
So why hadn’t he told her that when he told her he no longer wanted her to leave? If she had known he loved her, she might not have been so angry and left with such haste.
Or perhaps she would have done so anyway.
All her emotions stung her insides as thoroughly as the rain stung her skin. Sebastian did his best to shield her from it, but even he could not stop the weather.
Eventually, however, the house came into view, and Aurelia wanted to sigh in relief at the sight. Home. Somehow, despite all the odds, it had become her home.
And Sebastian was her husband.
Could she really run from that?
Fellows met them at the door with a towel, opening it wide and ushering them in. Aurelia shivered in the hallway, dripping onto the wooden floor, feeling like a fool—all her clothes were with Mary Ann. She had certainly not intended to rush back to find him and convince him to return home.
Sebastian’s arm still wrapped protectively over her shoulders. “Upstairs,” he coaxed when she resisted. “Trust me, I have a plan.”