Chapter 14
DROOPY MCMENOPAUSE
SHARI
“I have arrived, so put your little worm away, Dennis!” I shout as I let myself into Max’s house with Pickles in tow.
“Hey, cradle snatcher,” Dennis appears in the hallway and gives me a quick hug before diverting his attention to my dog. “Max is in the garden with the boys. Would you like a drink?”
“Diet Coke, please, Dennis.”
“Well, you know where it is, get it yourself. Do I look like a servant?” he jests.
“I mean…do you really want me to answer that?” I ask as I walk towards the fridge.
He shoos me away before I open the door, “Go outside, you pain in the arse. I’ll bring it out to you.”
“Your face is a pain in the arse!”
To an outsider, it might look like Dennis and I don’t get along with the way we constantly poke at each other, but this is how our friendship works.
I step through the bifold doors into the garden, and Pickles takes off at full speed towards the boys, who seem to be digging some sort of hole. Well, Pickles will sure help speed up that process. Their squealing laughter makes me smile as my dog reaches them, and they look up to wave at me.
“Hi boys! I brought you a digger for whatever mischief you’re up to!”
“Thanks, Auntie Shari!” comes their chorused reply. Even though they’re fraternal twins, they’re so in sync it’s scary at times.
When I reach the table on the other side of the garden, I fall onto the cushion next to Max and lean my head on her shoulder.
“Hey, bestie.”
“Hi, hun. What brings you over on this fine August day? Not that I’m not happy to see you, regardless of motive, but you sounded a bit down on the phone. Everything ok with the baby?”
I rub my belly. “Yeah, all good in here. It’s up here that I’m struggling with.” I tap my temple.
“Talk to me.”
Dennis comes over with my drink, and the ice is already crackling in the glass as it melts. He’s about to walk away and leave us to it, but I grab his wrist.
“Dennis, you’re a guy, I presume.”
“Last time I checked, wanna see?” He waggles his eyebrows.
“Bleurgh, no. Why are you so gross? No, I need a guy’s view. I think.”
He sits down on the chair opposite us and I straighten so I don’t get a sore neck from leaning against Max’s shoulder for too long.
“I take it this is about the child you made a child with?”
I cringe slightly at his wording. “It is, indeed.”
We all look over to where the kids are playing when there’s a sudden increase in the laughing volume. “Pickles, no! Don’t poo there! Damnit, hang on, I’ll go get it.”
Poo disposed of and hands washed, I sit back on the sofa with the Millers. “Where did I get to?”
“You really didn’t,” Max laughs.
“Well, that’s easy then.” I clear my throat, “So, as you know, I went to Brad’s graduation a few weeks ago and, I dunno, it’s like something shifted.”
“Right,” Dennis drawls. “Are we going somewhere with this or…”
I huff a laugh. “Things are going really well between us. We’ve always had a good physical relationship—”
“Clearly,” Dennis stares at my bump.
“—but recently, Brad has been pushing for something real. He claimed me as his woman to all his friends that day. We get along like a house on fire, and like I told his mum, I don’t notice our age gap when we’re alone.”
“What’s the but?”
“But…I’m scared, if I’m honest. Of the judgement.
Of the mean comments. Of him changing his mind.
An older woman and a younger man is so rare in this world.
Society just cannot cope with the idea of the age gap reversal, and as a result, I don’t know if I can?
You weren’t there when his mum ripped into me that first day.
I felt so fucking dirty, like a predator.
A criminal. Like I should be on a register somewhere, it was… it was awful.”
“I hate that she did that to you. She’s apologised since, though, right? How have you been getting on since then?” Max asks.
“She did apologise, and again at graduation. We’re getting on fine now, but that’s not even the point.
It’s the fact that her reaction was so excessively negative in the first instance!
Because it tells me that everyone’s first reaction will be just as unfavourable.
And then the plastic Barbie bitches in his friend group?
” I throw my hands up. “They took every opportunity to dig at my age, even going so far as to say I must suck ‘like a hoover’ to keep Brad interested.”
I stare off into the distance as my emotions tumble over themselves in my chest. “I just don’t have it in me to deal with so much negativity on a daily basis.”
Max wraps her arm around my shoulders. “Shazam, you are amazing. You look young, you act young, you’re fun, you’re kind, any guy of any age would be lucky to have you!”
“What if it wears off, though? What if he’s attracted to me now, but in five years I start aging visibly and he’s put off?
” This is probably my biggest fear when it comes to Brad.
It’s something I don’t really know how to vocalise to him because I know he’ll just tell me that would never happen. But he doesn’t know that!
Dennis watches me for a moment before he chimes in. “I get your worry. You being the older woman, and by quite a lot of years, is really unorthodox. You look great now at forty, but you might not look so great at fifty, especially having had a kid later in life.”
“Dennis! That’s so rude! I can’t believe you’d say that. Shari, don’t listen to him! My god, have some flipping tact, Miller!”
“No, no, he’s absolutely right! In ten years I’ll be fifty and saggy, and Brad will be in his early thirties and potentially only just hitting his prime!
Think of all the gorgeous women that will probably be throwing themselves at him all the time.
What’s to say one of them wouldn’t turn his head, and then he comes home to Droopy McMenopause and he’s like, fuck this, I’m gonna go get me a younger hottie! ”
“He would never—”
“Max, honey, we don’t know that. Shari clearly wants me to play devil’s advocate. And she’s right! He could well come home one day and be like, no thanks, I’m done.”
“Dennis!” Max smacks his arm with the back of her hand.
“Hear me out! I’m not saying he will do it, but he could. And that’s where your real fear is, am I right? Not so much what people say to your face right now to be mean, although that does suck, but the fact that in a few years he might agree.”
I feel the sting of pressure behind my eyes, but I am so sick of crying, so I just nod once, jaw clenched.
“But so could any guy! Say you decide to just co-parent and in the future you start dating someone our age, who’s to say that guy wouldn’t have a midlife crisis and trade you in for a younger model? It’s always a possibility, but it all depends on the guy,” Max hedges.
That gives me pause, because I’d never stopped to consider that his age might not even be the issue. That my fear of him changing his mind might not even be an age gap thing, but just a basic I want a younger woman thing. Which makes my age the issue.
“I’m not trying to put you off all men, hun. Just making a point that Brad’s age might be irrelevant to this particular fear. Really, the only question that actually has any validity is: do you believe Brad is like that?”
My immediate answer? No. But how can I be sure?
“Ultimately, you have to decide if he’s worth the risk.”
“Mmmm, it’s not the only question,” Dennis states, tipping his hand back and forth in a so-so motion. “I’m also trying really hard not to ask if you do suck like a hoover.”
My laughter takes off as Max lobs a cushion at his face.