Chapter 28 Greetings Lady ShaJay
GREETINGS LADY SHAJAY
SHARI
Elle plops down into the booth opposite me with a sigh and tips her head back to lean on the backrest with her eyes closed.
“That was a busy spell, babe. Business is booming though, eh?” I reach forward and squeeze her hand on the table.
Cracking one eye open at me, she nods, “It is going really well but I'm exhausted. I really need to hire another person, I'm struggling to keep up, and that’s whilst I still have all my Christmas lackeys! I don’t know how I’ll cope with only Paulina to help out part time after they all go back to uni. ”
“Would she not come on full time if you asked?”
“No, she looks after her grandkids after school on Thursdays and Fridays, and she has them every other weekend. It's fine, I'll put out an ad and hopefully someone decent will come along.”
She suddenly hops up again to disappear behind the counter, and returns with a couple of oat and raisin cookies for us. She knows I'm a weirdo who loves these more than chocolate chip.
“So, how's the dating pool? Sorry I’ve been so preoccupied with work that I haven’t even had the chance to ask lately!”
“Ugh, it sucks! Out of four dates, only one was good. But of course we had no romantic chemistry.”
“None at all?” she questions, taking a bite of her cookie.
“Nope. Nada. Zilch. Zeroooo,” I hold my hand up and make an O shape with my fingers and thumb, looking through the circle at Elle. My head tilts as I consider something. “You know, I actually think he’d be a really good fit for you, now that I think about it.”
“Uh, I’m not sure your pool of rejects is quite where I’d want to choose my dates, even if I were dating. Which I’m not,” she says pointedly.
“He’s not one of my rejects. Honestly, I wish I did fancy him because we got along great! He’s very dry, very funny, and hot in a very obvious I used to be a fireman way.”
“Still not dating,” Elle sings. “Anyways, Max said the last guy you went out with offered to shag you in the alleyway?”
An incredulous bark of laughter slips past my lips, “Oh, not just the alleyway, he gave me plenty of other options for location. But he was definitely expecting me to choose one of them because, get this, he bought me dinner.”
Elle's jaw drops.
“And then of course when I reminded him that paying for dinner doesn't entitle him to stick his cock in a person, he told me that I'm fat and he wouldn't want to, and I quote, ‘fuck your fat cunt anyways’!”
“Seriously? What is wrong with men! This is exactly why I don't date. I'm so sorry you had to put up with that, babe, and I hope you know you are not fat!” She starts rubbing her temples. “I’m assuming you didn't tell Brad what he said, because that guy would probably be dead now.”
“Jaime would help him dispose of the body at least,” I muse. “I am so done with dating, though. Honestly, it's not worth dealing with all these frogs to find the prince.”
Elle stares at me silently for a moment. “Especially when you've already found him and pushed him away, right?”
I fold over and rest my forehead on my hands stacked on the table. “Ugh, not you too, Eleanor! You're supposed to be the nice one,” I whinge.
“You know we're just speaking the truth,” she pats the back of my head. “Do you think maybe Brad’s the reason you didn’t fancy the fireman? Because your heart is still hanging on?”
This gives me pause. No. Surely not? “No! I don’t…no? No! My heart isn’t in the equation, this was just pure lack of chemistry. Or incompatible pheromones. Or something.”
She raises one meticulously shaped eyebrow, “Mm-hmm. And don't say you're done already, it's only been four guys. At least round it out to five before you call it quits. Come on, let's look at the options again,” she waggles her fingers for me to hand over my phone. Which I do with a groan.
“Babe, you have eleven different guys reaching out that you matched with! Surely one of them must be decent.” Her facial expressions are comical as she scrolls through the messages.
“Oh, what about this guy? Henridiculous – weird username but ok – fifty-three, one child in his twenties, never married, but they were in a long-term, committed relationship. ‘Hi, ShaJay. Your profile seems great. I hate chatting on these things, so how would you like to go to Málaga for a long weekend to get to know each other better?’ Ok yeah, maybe not, could be an axe murderer. Who invites a complete stranger for a weekend away? Who else, have we got…”
“No one. They all suck,” I'm pouting, but she just ignores me as she keeps scrolling.
“Fred_the_book_already, thirty-seven, no kids, never been married, really close with his family—”
“Code for ‘mama's boy who still lives with his parents’.”
“—loves reading. ‘Greetings Lady ShaJay. Who art thine favourite character to cosplay?’ Who art thine?? Does that even make sense? And just, no. Geez, you're right, Shari, the fish in this pond are lacking,” she scrunches her nose.
“I told you.”
“Wait! I think I've found one! Jacob_rails, forty-one, no kids, widower – oh, that's sad – train driver for National Rail.
‘Hi ShaJay, I hate these opening lines because I never know what to say.
And I'm guessing you have a lot of incoming messages, so it's even more pressure to stand out from the crowd.
But I'd rather just be myself and say hello, and that I think you're beautiful. We seem to have a lot in common too, so if my profile piques your interest at all, I really hope you'll reply.’ Aw, Shari, he sounds great so far!”
I reluctantly have to agree. If anyone's going to get my attention in an initial message, it'll either be someone funny or someone endearingly honest. Both would be gold.
“You should reply, see if he at least keeps up the normal for a couple days so you don't have a repeat of Gerard Feet Gate, then suggest meeting to see if you have chemistry in person.”
“I’m so sick of the effort of getting all dolled up for these dates though, only to go home early and disappointed. You know I'm a fan of low maintenance.”
“Then why don't you suggest coffee? It's an easy first date in the daytime, so you don't need to get dressed up. Come here even! That way I can give you my outside opinion on him too!”
That's not a bad idea.
30th December 2025
To say I'm apprehensive as to how this date will go is an understatement.
So far, I'm three for four on negative experiences, plus one positive date, but with no chemistry.
This online dating lark is hard – they either lie about their looks, or about who they are as a person.
It's exhausting. What happened to meeting someone organically?
You did meet someone organically. You even had a baby with him, my brain unhelpfully supplies. Shut up, brain.
I'm supposedly meeting a man called Jake Richards, five-foot-eleven, dark brown hair just greying at the temples, brown eyes, groomed beard and a killer smile.
A train driver who loves to play tennis, loves to read psychological thrillers in his downtime, and has two cats named Stephen and King.
I guess we'll see how much of that is true.
Or maybe he'll stand me up! Haven't had that outcome yet.
I step into Better Latte Than Never, happily wearing my favourite jeans and Ugg boots, and breathe in the calming aroma of freshly ground coffee and baked goods. Elle winks at me from behind the counter when she looks up and flicks her eyes towards the tables in the window.
Thankfully, Jake was open to my suggestion of Elle's cafe for a coffee date to kill several birds with one stone.
Delicious coffee and cake, gossiping with my bestie about my date immediately after, said friend getting to check him out for approval, and the additional bonus of being somewhere I know well and feel safe in.
I look at the tables to my left and see him already heading towards me with a smile.
Damn, his profile photos actually don't do him justice!
“Shari, wow, I didn't think you could be more beautiful than your photos, but I'm happy to report that I was wrong,” he rumbles.
Nice voice too, I note.
He kisses me on the cheek and leads me to a chair, pulling it out for me.
“Funny, I was just thinking the same about you, Jake.”
Jake beams and asks for my order so he can go back up to the counter.
“Medium, skinny, salted caramel latte, please.”
He taps the table once with a roguish grin and saunters up to the counter.
I shamelessly ogle his backside from my seat.
It's a good view, sue me. Elle notices, of course, and waggles her eyebrows at me when Jake isn't looking.
Well, his looks have gotten the seal of approval, at least. Let's hope he's not a narcissistic douche canoe.
Jake returns with our coffees and we easily slip into a chat about books, our beloved pets, and work. So far, so good!
“So tell me, Shari. Do you like to travel?”
“Oh, I absolutely do! Sometimes the actual travelling part can be long and tedious, but I love exploring new places and just having a change of scenery. Where's your favourite place you've visited so far?”
“Ah, now that's a really good question with more than one answer.
But if I had to pick one place, it would be Sydney.
There's just so much to do and see, and you can still escape to a beach or the mountains if you want, but the bustle of the city is pretty contagious,” his eyes light up as he talks. “Have you been to Aus?”
Smiling, I incline my head in agreement. “Many times. My dad is from Brisbane.”
Our conversation is easy, and Jake is so attentive, never once appearing bored or checking out other women. Or my feet. I realise that's a low bar to set, but seriously, see previous dates.
Before I know it, we've been talking for two hours and Brad is texting me to ask what time I'll be picking Lizzie up.
“Sorry, it's my baby's father, let me just phone him really quickly. I'll be back in a sec.”
“Of course.”