9. Aurelia
Chapter 9
Icame to consciousness slowly, uncomfortable in my position but feeling strangely fucking amazing. All the tension in my body had magically released. No aches and pains plagued my limbs and the stiffness I always carried in my lower back had completely dissipated. Something bit into my wrists, though, holding them together underneath me. My face rested on something soft, a blanket maybe, and the hard ground lay beneath my body. Nothing stretched overhead. I was open to the elements.
Memories flashed within my mind. The emberflies, running, the cottage, Granny...
Pain began to creep in around the edges of my awareness so I needed to take stock before it blotted out my consciousness completely. I couldn’t afford to lose myself to grief right now. I was clearly a hostage; I needed to assess my surroundings.
After wielding the axe I’d seen the stranger. The handsome, delicious-smelling, and incredibly real stranger. I’d moved to attack him, I remembered that much. Then everything went black. The attack had never landed.
I struggled to sit up, comforted by mellow yellow light emanating from two points overhead—lanterns, it looked like, suspended from the branches of trees in an unfamiliar area. A nightbird screeched somewhere off to the right, hidden within the darkness of deep night.
In front of me sat a person in a vibrant jacket with purple velvet lapels and matching velvet slacks. Shiny black shoes with a sort of tassel in gold adorned his feet, and a spear was hooked under his arm and leveled at my face.
“Good almost-morning, Highness. How did you sleep?” he asked pleasantly. Then he grimaced, a silly, pencil-thin mustache pulling tight over full lips. “Oops. Sorry, wrong job. Let me try again. Good almost-morning, prisoner. I hope your shackles are to your liking?”
I blinked at him for a moment, somewhat confused. I’d traveled a fair bit, driven from one home to the next before I’d found Granny, but those had always been poor villages and bankrupt towns. No one had ever had the sort of finery that existed in front of me. The man looked regal, despite sitting on a slightly wonky, battered chair in the forest of a humble, if well-provisioned village.
I had to say, the rich styled themselves very... colorfully. Or maybe he habitually used hallucinogens and his jacket was a constant source of entertainment. Either way, I wasn’t quite sure what to make of things.
“Are those...” I squinted in the low light. “Do you have...penises stitched into your jacket?”
“My goodness, look at you! You wake up with your limbs tied, in a strange place, and you immediately notice the cocks littering my jacket!” He tsked at me, leaning back with a smile. “I can already tell you’re going to push my limits.” He turned his face to the side a little, still looking at me, his smile now coy. “Yes, they are dicks. I have forty-three dicks on me at present. Given you’re a prisoner and have nothing else to do, I figured I’d give you a task while you wait for the alpha. Find all the dicks!”
His smile practically glittered and, strangely, it seemed utterly genuine. Almost comforting.
I said nothing. Showed no emotion. Everything I was feeling sank down into my depths, hidden away lest it give my captors more poison for the tips of their weapons. An easy trick, really. A learned trait, almost, something I’d been doing since before my teens. These people, no matter how extravagant, wouldn’t get any information from me.
The man winked, as though we were sharing a joke. “Give me all you’ve got, love,” he said. “It’s been an absolute bore of a journey. I thought I might get away for a bit, knock out this detail and check in with my home kingdom. You know, just to see if it was still a piece of shit. It is, obviously. But the alpha is very...”
He made some sort of gesture and an expression that didn’t do much to help me understand his meaning.
“But now...” He smoothed his velvet lapels with a slow hand. “This makes more sense, doesn’t it? I think it does. I was in a demon sex castle—and then a demon sex dungeon!—for too long to live a sedentary life. Put me to the test, my darling. I am ready and waiting.”
He crossed an ankle over his knee and pursed his lips at me, as though still conveying some sort of message.
My mind had stuttered over “demon sex castle” and now I just stared blankly. The only thing I could grasp was that this man’s jacket would throw Raz for an absolute loop. He’d hate the very sight of it at first, but after using the product yet again, he’d be enraptured. With that jacket, he wouldn’t be so worried about the glow of a flower...
A wave of pain and worry washed through me, wondering what happened to the town. To Raz. We weren’t friends—he didn’t even like me—but we’d been work associates for years. I cared what happened to him, to his family. I hoped he was okay and that they’d leave him be.
The memory of finding Granny swept through my mind again and I withered from the onslaught. I’d lost my only family. Again. With her, I would also lose the only community that had welcomed me, maybe grudgingly, but mostly peacefully. They hadn’t run me out. That was saying something for someone like me.
An image welled up in my mind, threatening to pull me under. My mother’s face. All the blood. The flames.
Run, Aurelia. Save yourself. Run! Don’t look back. Don’t think of me—of this—until you get to safety, do you hear me? Keep going until you finally make a new life for yourself. Her grip on my arms had been so tight. Her expression, blood trailing down her cheeks like tears, so urgent. Only then can you think of me, do you understand, Aurelia? Only then should you remember me. Not before. Resurrect me in your memories and I will live again, but only if you survive this day. I’m counting on you, my heart. Run now! Please, RUN!
I blinked through sudden tears, the man before me swimming in my vision.
He put his hand to his heart, leaning forward a little, peering at my face. The tip of the spear inched forward, still directed at me.
Keep going until you finally make a new life for yourself.
It was happening again. My world was burning around me.
Get to safety.
I was older now, though, and the experience of last time had hardened me. Alexander’s punishments had sharpened the point and dulled my receptivity to pain. My mother would continue to live on and now I would carry Granny with me as well, keeping them in this world with my nightly prayers and moments of reflection.
I could survive this. I had to, or their memories would be lost.
First, I stoppered the tears. Crying was useless. It took valuable time, energy and brain power. It made me slow. I couldn’t allow myself the luxury right now.
Next, I re-tucked away all irrelevant emotion and information. The pain of the past was nothing but a shadow. Only this moment mattered.
Finally, I allowed my anger to move to the forefront of my mind, where it quickly boiled to rage. In this moment, I was being held captive. Either they’d try to kill me soon or they’d take me for their own gains. Anger would make me sharp. They were the enemy, and enemy deserved no quarter.
“See?” The man removed his hand from his heart and pointed at me. He leaned back, crinkling his nose. “That, right there, is why I hold the spear. They said you don’t have access to your animal?” He didn’t wait for my response, not that I planned to give one. “Well, the last time something like this happened, that woman happened to be a rage-monger dragon and I was lucky she didn’t take it out on me. Although...” He paused in thought for a moment. “I guess we had a lot more distractions at that time. Orgies and demons and pegging—it was a nightmare.” He brightened up. “Cheers!”
“What?” The question escaped me despite having planned on not speaking.
“My last ward-turned-queen had a lot of distractions.” He paused for a moment, one eyebrow arching.
“What?” The question leaked out again.
“Not impressed, huh? With the queen bit, I mean. Damn. I’d wanted to come back to this kingdom and gloat but I couldn’t tell anyone and blow my cover. It was a cock softener, to be sure.”
I couldn’t wrap my head around his outfit, let alone the craziness coming out of his mouth. Having been raised in one drab village after another, the last full of dreary and sullen people who were slow to smile, my brain couldn’t quite process the effervescent and boisterous man in front of me. I couldn’t do much more than continue to stare blankly.
He took that as a cue to keep talking.
“Unlike back in the day, there are no distractions in this camp. Zero! I did not expect this. I know quite a few people on this detail, and when they are off-duty, they are usually a shit-ton of fun. Not here under the alpha’s nose, though. Not even when it’s their free time. I can’t find anyone to play ‘open wide, here comes the cock’ with! It’s an absolute nightmare.” He lifted his hand like he had a drink in it. “Cheers!”
Overloaded with things that were beyond my comfortable comprehension, my attention wavered from the man and instead took in the scene around me. Tent-shaped shadows loomed within the diminishing glow of lamplight near us. Those I could see ruffling in the breeze seemed plain, splotched with dirt or whatever else.
Beyond me, barely discernible, a large shape swished its tail. A horse, obviously. The rich had such things. They wouldn’t want to walk and ruin their extravagant, shiny shoes. Or their finely tailored suit with the haphazardly placed penises, of which I’d so far counted ten.
“You know,” he said whimsically, his gaze unfocused as he contemplated his thoughts. “I thought I’d be content living a calm and orderly kind of life. After we re-took the castle, I’d been happy to give up the alcohol and shenanigans and cocks everywhere I turned. But fucking hell, with the royal baby and the good leadership and no parties or danger or terrible-decision-making-turned-shame-fucking to distract me, I have to admit, I am bored out of my mind. Sure, sneaking out to bang a bunch of randoms in the woods was fun for a while, but none of them are random anymore. I know them. Most importantly”—he quirked a perfectly sculpted eyebrow—“I know how they perform.” He spread his palm across his chest. “I am not a fuckboy trainer. Well, you know. You’re what, twenty? Thirty? I’m shit with women’s ages. Anyway, you’re too old to go giving classes on how to properly fuck. We want our men to come preconditioned. If a guy can’t figure out the right time for a hard asshole fingering, what fucking good is he, know what I mean?” He shook his head. “I just can’t help him.”
I felt my jaw slackening, my rage melting away into brain-buzzing confusion. It wasn’t just his jacket that was colorful—and incredibly crass. I’d never heard anyone speak like this, not to mention what he was talking about. Orgies? Asshole fingering? What in the...?
“So I figured,” he went on, “that I might join this detail and see the sights a little. A couple of the guys who’d agreed to go are really hot and had seemed somewhat cock-curious, so I figured I had that going for me. And if not, I could bang my way through the kingdom of my birth, you know? Maybe meet an old chum and rub my new position in their face. But that damn alpha runs a tight ship—understandable, but still, I’ve banged next to no strangers. And the cock-curious, you ask? They just wanted me to play with their dongs. They had no interest in reciprocation. Fuckers. Let the ladies deal with them, as I’ve got no time for one-sided sword fighting.”
He was clearly distracted with his, uh, predicament. This was the perfect time for me to work at my bindings and figure out a way to escape. If I was freed, I could easily knock that spear aside and then swing my hand or foot at his face. He didn’t seem like a person who was ready for spontaneous combat. He certainly wasn’t a man who could run fast with those shoes. I could knock him aside and make a break for it.
The problem was, even if I could get free without his noticing, I didn’t have a lantern. Those in the camp were all hanging relatively high, too high to quickly grab. Without light, I wouldn’t get far. If I didn’t knock him out—and it was unlikely I could given I didn’t have a weapon—he would likely, and probably carefully, take off his colorful attire, shift into a wolf or other four-legged creature, and follow my scent trail. He’d be on me before I found the edge of the camp.
Besides, where would I go? This encampment couldn’t be in our territory. Granny’s people would’ve found it when heading to and from their sentry positions. Given the few times I’d been Outside in the last handful of years, I wouldn’t even know which direction to go for help. Assuming anyone would help me at all.
No, I’d need to be patient. They had to move me to their home base. There’d be a time along the way for me to get free; I just had to be ready when it came.
“Then there’s the problem of no dragons. Can you believe I even said that? But it’s true. I am bored to fucking tears, like I told you.” He chatted along merrily as though he hadn’t had someone to talk to in ages. “Dragons are insane and are prone to extreme violence for no reason, but at least they give you something to look out for. They’re unpredictable. This lot—“ He jerked his head right and then followed it with a glance, indicating where the others had gone. Probably to my village.
A momentary pang hit me. Like with that fire those fifteen years ago, I would lose everything. I doubted very much that they’d allow me to go collect my things before moving me. I’d have to find my way back, someday. I didn’t have much, but the few things I did have were precious to me.
Thankfully, the pain that should’ve overwhelmed me continued to be held at bay. It would consume me, if not in this headspace. I reminded myself there would be time to cry after I got to safety.
“They’re all very...” He made a hand gesture, down in a line in front of him and then out to the side. I didn’t know what it meant. “The alpha chose the best and the brightest. Do you know what that is code for? Boring and uninspired. They have no fucking sense of humor. Dick jokes? Lost on them. How is that even possible?” He widened his eyes at me. “A bunch of them have dicks!” He shook his head, clearly at a loss. “It’s a fucking shame. They follow the alpha’s command to the absolute letter. No stubbornness that the king and queen have to beat down, no veering out of their formation...” He slouched. “I’m the odd one out, can you believe that?”
I didn’t give him a reaction, but yes, I definitely could believe it.
I was still trying to process everything when it dawned on me: they’d clearly gone through the village and found the supply. Of course they would have. It was a free gold earner.
“You’ve sampled the product.” My tone was flat.
His eyes brightened with curiosity. He opened his mouth to speak, but then backed off and lifted a hand. “Let’s just get the formalities out of the way, shall we? I’ve seen the towns where your product has run wild. I do think your operation is filthy and you’re hurting a lot of people. You have a lot to answer for. Officially, I am a strong thumbs down to you and your operation.” He took a deep breath, a smile flirting with his lips. “With that said, and given it is the dragon royalty’s problem and not mine, I will say... I’m so fucking curious. Seriously.”
He dropped his ankle from atop his knee and set both feet on the floor to lean forward to scrutinize my carefully expressionless face. The spear went a little askew.
He hefted it. “Do I need this?”
I didn’t respond.
He studied me for a long moment. I couldn’t tell from his expression what he was thinking. He nodded. “You’re playing at calm—very clever. You don’t fool me, though. I was drunk off my ass when I first met Finley, but I remember the wild look in her eyes. Very similar to you. You’re dangerous, even with your hands tied. Don’t pretend that you aren’t.”
Staying numb to the situation was not easy. It was like this man was battering me with his crazy. He permeated even my most unaffected, unemotional, and unfeeling state. I could probably get a limb hacked off right now and not feel it, but this guy? It was like he was burrowing into my mind and scrambling everything until I couldn’t help but come to the surface to get some air.
“Anyway, that product you speak of...” He smoothed his little mustache, curled at the corners. “I am so curious about it. I’m going to be honest, I’d sample the shit out of it. I mean, I was a hair’s breadth away from being killed by the curse. If it wasn’t the demons, it was people trying to trick me into killing myself by talking about it. I made it though, didn’t I? Mediocrity for the fucking win! I’m sure I can navigate a few recreational drugs. It would give me something new to do in my spare time. Besides, if I had a little save me elixir on hand, it would be fine. The addiction would be an issue, but Finley—the dragon queen—concocted something that greatly helps. I could work my way out of it, I know I could.”
“What?“ My head was going to pop off if I kept shaking it this much. Dragon royalty? What was he even talking about? “No.” I breathed out in frustration.
“This is my fault.” He sat back. “We’ve been tracking you down for months. Which means I’ve been cooped up with very square wolves for months.” He gestured toward himself. “This bitch is a round peg. The situation just isn’t fucking working. The only reason they let me don my professional attire”—he smoothed a hand down his lapel again—“is because I am reprising my role of mediocre guardian.” He cupped his hand beside his mouth and stage-whispered, “I used to be a butler, but it would be absurd to call myself a butler in this situation.” He winked. “But you make drugs! You’ve got to be more interesting than these people, right? I mean, I don’t want to be your best friend or anything. The last very pretty hostage I governed got me into all sorts of horrible, life-threatening situations. I’m bored but I’m not that bored, you know what I mean? Plus, your fate is uncertain. You’ve killed too many people—you must know that. But between now and whatever terrible fucking atrocity happens later, I think we can be chummy without going over the top, don’t you?”
I twisted my wrists, pulling at the binding. I didn’t give a shit if someone found me later, so long as it was someone else. Anyone but this guy. I needed to escape this madness.
He nodded at me. “Go ahead. What’s on your mind?”
“You’re— What the— What is—” I yanked harder, twisting, the rope biting into my skin. “I don’t make product that kills,” I finally blurted in a rush of anger.
“I knew I still needed this.” He adjusted his spear.
I ignored it. “I have personally tried every one of my products. Every single batch. My co-creator dabbled way too much, as did a few people in the village. No one has died. No one has even gotten ill. I built a few fail-safes into the product, as well, ones that can minimize the journey if the path turns toward nightmares. There are risks—of course there are—but none of those risks are death. You’ve obviously come for the wrong woman.”
“I like that language—the journey and the path of nightmares. Yes, that sounds right up my alley. Now I’m desperate to try it. Damn it. Why’d you make it so dangerous?” He tilted his head. “You have, though. You do know that, right? Killed people. Unfortunately, you’re the bad guy in this... journey.”
“It is not dangerous!” I bit back. “It might be habit forming for some, but it is not dangerous. It’s natural, all of it. It’s made from plants and extracts. From fire and water. Air. It alters the mind, but it doesn’t alter the body. If someone died it is because they had an ailment, like a weak heart or some other medical issue. That happens with healing elixirs all the time. That’s not my fault. Is a person who made a healing elixir a bad guy because something went wrong and it killed the patient?”
“Except that person was trying to help . . .”
“I’m trying to help. You said it yourself—life can be dull. A hallucinogen gives people an escape for a time. People who are anxious can take a relaxant. People battling depression can get a lift. People with trouble focusing can clear away the fog. It isn’t my fault if they take it irresponsibly or too often. Habit-forming doesn’t mean addicting. It doesn’t mean dependency. It isn’t any different than ale in large quantities. And if you’re traveling to dangerous areas, into shadow markets, don’t you know the risks? Besides, in this kingdom, the king and queen have given approval for my product to be sold in the main market. Could it really be that dangerous if royalty are allowing it?”
I hadn’t believed that last bit, but I would damn well use it to my benefit now until proven otherwise. Because honestly, if the product did have royalty backing, if Alexander was correct, then that essentially nudged it into the confines of the law. If that were the case, these people were the outlaws, not me. They were the bad guys.
His eyes had widened. “My goodness. You’re very smart, aren’t you? If I hadn’t seen the addiction and death firsthand, I’d believe in your conviction. Sadly...” He frowned comically. “I have. We’ve nipped it in the bud in our kingdom—though the queen holds a grudge—but we’d seen it throughout our kingdom and heard about it in others. Why the king and queen here are allowing it, I don’t know, other than they don’t give two shits about their poor constituents. It’s why I’d never come back?—”
“If there is addiction and death, it isn’t because of my product,” I said stubbornly, noting that he didn’t deny the royal backing. “You’ve got the wrong woman. Go into my village. See for yourself. I make the fucking stuff. Don’t you think if there was an issue, my village would be riddled with it? We don’t lock the supply shed. Anyone can get in at any time. If there was a problem, it would be here first.”
“Hmm.” He nodded slowly. “Mm-hmm. That is interesting. The alpha and his acting beta know the situation very well. They’ll be able to figure out if you’re lying.” He leaned forward again. “I hope you aren’t. Tell me, could I ride a horse while high? While on a journey, I mean. That would cut down on the boredom getting from place to place in this kingdom. It’s incredibly spread out. It took days to get all the way out here.”
I shook my head, looking away. Blood dripped down my wrist from the rope ripping my skin. “I have no idea. We don’t have horses in this village. We’ve never tested that out.”
“And you test everything?”
“As I already told you. Yes, every single batch. I make sure it is up to my standards and always try to think of ways to improve it.”
He rested his chin on his fist. “I really hope this is all a misunderstanding. You’d probably get along really well with Finley, not to mention give Arleth someone new to share ideas with. But, sadly, in our experience with your trade, very few people tell the truth.”
“I wouldn’t know. I’ve never dealt with any of them. That was Granny’s department.”
He nodded. “Yes, pity. Sadly, we can’t verify any of this because the person known as Granny is gone.”
I gritted my teeth at his blasé attitude toward Granny’s demise and the role this man’s comrades played in it. He dared lecture me about killing people, yet here they were, infiltrating a village and taking out the residents within.
“Find Alexander,” I bit out. “That swine knows. Ask him. He was with her all the time.”
“Yes, he was.” He clucked his tongue. “Well, this is fucking depressing. As far as first impressions go, I like you, but you’ll need to do some serious groveling if you hope to sidestep the wrath of the dragon queen. She does not have a sense of humor when it comes to the welfare of her people. Not like this festering heap of a kingdom.”
The anger inside of me was a living thing, lighting me on fire. “If you’re royalty from another kingdom, you have no jurisdiction here. Unless the king and queen from this kingdom have given permission for you to capture and detain one of their constituents—and from what I gather, they most certainly have not—you’re here without sanction. Granny was in good standing with our royalty, as was—is—our product. You’re operating outside the law, just like I was. You have no right to invade, to murder, and to kidnap. You’ll be hanged for this.”
His smile pulled his lips wide. “You’re very smart. And correct. We’re going to have to smuggle you out of here?—”
“Hadriel, that’s enough.”
The voice was like a whip-crack of pleasure that puddled in my core. I turned my head slowly to find the handsome stranger stepping into the light. Each movement of that stellar body was graceful and sleek, effortlessly hiding the coiled power contained in that robust frame cut with thick slabs of muscle. He didn’t wear any clothes, nor did he exhibit any embarrassment or shame about that fact. It seemed he felt nudity was completely natural and free. I’d bet he was an amazing dancer; his movements were strong and sure but gentle, like his fingertips under my chin last night, lifting my face to look at him.
No, to be inspected by him.
I shivered with the memory. A moment later, though, I remembered what he’d done. Remembered what he had planned for me, the way he’d barged into my village like I was the criminal when he and his people were the ones not allowed. Bullshit, all of this.
And on the path with him? What the fuck was that? He knew he was going to abduct me and decided he’d get his cock wet while I was willing? While I was transfixed by this strange feeling pulsing deep within me?
What was this feeling, anyway? Why did it feel like his presence tugged at my middle? Yanked at me, more like. The sensations his proximity gave me felt like something akin to one of my creations. On the path I had been sure that it was. How was he creating this feeling? Because there was no way he could’ve administered something to me that night without me knowing. The Moonfire Lily was the only abnormal thing I’d been working with, and I was now sure it hadn’t created these effects.
None of this made sense.
But then, it didn’t really have to, did it? When traveling a journey on one of my stronger products, nothing ever made sense. It was important to flow with it, accepting what was until you could alter your reality.
I stared up at his startlingly handsome face, cataloguing all his features. Looking down at me from above were slate gray eyes cut from granite. Sharp cheekbones cut angles above his hollowed cheeks, and he had a small cleft in his strong jaw. His dusky brown eyebrows settled low, nearly touched by his long black lashes. His dark blonde hair held sun-kissed streaks and currently fell to the sides of his forehead and around his ears, longer than he liked it.
I had no clue how I could know that last bit. And yet, I’d bet a good fortune on that knowledge.
I’d walk in this criminal’s journey, no problem, until I could alter my reality. When I did, only one of us would be walking away: me.
“Get up,” he commanded.
He was the alpha of this pack, obviously. A man no one said no to.
I wasn’t in his pack, and I didn’t give a damn what he wanted.
I stared at him impassively, allowing myself to go numb again. He would feed off my anger, off my rebellion. I knew it. Instead, I’d give him nothing to work with. I’d give him a shell of a woman.
He stared back, his eyes heating until they were spitting fire. Currents of electricity sizzled between us, flowing over my body in a way that frazzled my mind. I didn’t balk, though, pushing the feelings down with my emotions.
“Slap my dick and call me jumpy! This whole situation just got a whole lot more interesting,” the man in the colorful jacket said, looking between us.
“Hadriel, you may go,” the alpha said, his eyes not leaving mine.
“Goodie-goodie cum-drops.” Mr. Colorful Jacket—Hadriel—set down his spear and stood from his chair. “She doesn’t have a weapon, sir, but I’d watch her. I’ve known my fair share of wild women and they have this habit of conjuring weapons out of thin air. Access to her animal or not, she’ll chop off your nuts if she gets half a chance.”
“Go,” the alpha growled. My small hairs stood on end with the viciousness in his tone. Hadriel shivered.
“Okay but... be nice to her,” Hadriel said before turning. “You’re not the judge. Keep her alive until she can grovel to Queen Finley. Finley is a lot more reasonable than you are when it comes to”—he affected a strange accent and tone—“duty and honor.”
Now the alpha did tear his eyes away, his gaze finding Hadriel slowly.
“Fuck!” Hadriel flinched, hunching down on himself. “I haven’t felt the need to terror-shit my pants in forever. What an unwelcome change.” He looked at me and nodded a goodbye before heading away.
“This is the last time I will tell you.” The alpha’s focus came back to me. His cock was jutting out, hard and huge. “Get. Up.”
I remained unmoving, trying desperately to not remember how that cock felt. How it tasted. How much I wanted to feel it again.
The air blistered with heat now, raking across my flesh. He felt it; I could tell. A sheen of sweat suddenly coated that fine body.
The rushing in my ears turned into pounding in my core. The desperate need to do what he said ate away my resolve. I didn’t dare give in.
Instead, I did what I knew would incite him most of all. Nothing. I did and said absolutely nothing. I continued to kneel as I was, quietly defiant. Challenging him to a battle of wills. I was a prisoner now; I had all the time and patience in the world.
His left hand clenched into a fist. His pecs popped in frustration, knowing what I was doing. I felt his power curl through the air around me, goading me into following that command. Finally reaching the end of his tether, he moved, reaching for me.