Luca
GONE IN THE WIND…
“Big guns! Big guns! I got big guns. A.R and A.K’s, nigga, pick one! Nigga, pick one!” Cain bobbed his head extra hard.
My face was set hard but, in the moment, I couldn’t help but crack a smile at how animated Cain was being.
Abel restarted the song and got back into character mode.
His favorite rapper was Nipsey Hussle while Abel took a liking to Boss Man Dlo since that was who Roy played in the car with them all the time.
“Man, restart that shi—stuff, Abel!” Cain exclaimed with his face frowned up.
Abel’s eyes widened at his brother’s slip-up. I chuckled lowly then took a slow sip of tea, shaking my head. Cain had several slip-ups during his performance. I planned on checking him when he was done having his fun.
“Where yo money at? We gon’ smoke a hundred sacks, shootin’ up your block, switch cars, then we double back!” Cain yelled at the top of his lungs with the microphone gripped tightly in his hand.
He pulled up his baggy pants that I was sure Roy bought for him against my wishes and squatted down as Abel tossed his freshly retwisted locs behind his face then stepped in front of his brother to rap the next verse.
Right now, this was my chaotic peace, my escape from the pending problems that I was getting ready to address in a meeting that would take place in the next two hours.
I secretly eyed my big face watch and noted how much time I had remaining.
I needed these moments with the twins more than anything outside the walls of my home.
The twins came first, no matter how serious or hectic things became.
They begged to do Karaoke last night before bed just to put their new toy to good use that Nanny Linda bought them for good behavior.
Always wanting to be a man of my word, I moved things around my schedule in order to keep my promise.
I looked at Abel and could see the love and admiration he had for Cain shining bright in his eyes. Cain still had his fresh braids going neatly to the back touching his shoulder blades, while Abel started his loc journey two months ago on their ninth birthday.
They both were different in personality, but the one thing that I admired about the twins was the love they showed one another. It was evident each day. They thought about each other’s feelings and was never ashamed or afraid to express their love for one another.
“You a funny cat, you ain’t made a hundred racks! You ain’t nothin’ like Nip Hussle, that’s a fuckin’ fact!” Cain just couldn’t help himself, and for that, he was crossing the line.
I grabbed the remote control and pressed pause before Cain could even go into the chorus by cursing and saying a bunch of nonsense he didn’t know nothing about.
“Come on, Pops!” Cain complained.
My heart stuttered like it always did when they referred to me as pops.
Cain said it first naturally then Abel followed behind his brother the next day.
I wasn’t the type to get emotional, but that day I shed tears of joy.
Cain looked at Abel, and Abel looked at Cain.
Then the both of them slowly looked at me like I had lost my mind.
“Pops?” Abel frowned.
They both said pops so easy now like I earned it, which I felt like I did. I got a good look at both of the boys standing in the middle of their spacious room comfortably like this has always been their life. I swallowed once then waved them over.
Little did they both know, nobody prepared me for this part of being a man. My father never told me the sound of a word could hit harder than bullets if it came from the right mouths.
“Come sit down,” I told them.
I scooted to the middle of the edge of Abel’s queen sized bed and waited for them to sit on either side of me. The smell of their YSL cologne announced their presence first before I felt the bed dip on each side of me.
“What I tell y’all about cursing?” My whisper was raspier than usual today but the pain was void.
It took me time to get over my own stubbornness and start back getting help with my doctor as far as pain management with my throat.
My twins was worth me trying since I preached to them about never giving up.
They were almost as good as my house staff with sign language.
Yet, I still wanted to use my voice when speaking to them since they were my pride and joy.
“One of y’all better answer me.” I took my time looking both of them in the eyes.
I never had to raise my voice to be heard. One of the teachings that stuck with me from my dad was that power didn’t work loudly. He always stated that it sat in a room before you even walked in, and if you built the shit right, it spoke for you. That’s what I’ve been trying to teach my boys.
Cain shifted first, aware of the seriousness in my tone.
“It doesn’t make us cool,” Cain muttered.
“And?” I pressed.
“It makes us sound like we don’t got nothin’ else to say,” Abel stated lowly.
I nodded slowly, took a sip of my tea then balanced it on my knee.
“So what that mean?” I lifted a brow.
Silence stretched between us for a second before I felt both of their bodies shift next to me at the same time.
“It means…” Cain hesitated.
“It means words matter,” Abel finished.
I sat my cup of tea on their carpeted floor then stood off the bed and towered over the both of them.
“Exactly.” I crouched down so we were eye level. They needed to see me, not look up at me all the time. I never wanted to instill fear in the boys.
“Anybody can throw a curse word in a sentence… it’s easy and lazy.
That’s what people do when they ain’t got control over they thoughts…
or they emotions… But a man…” I tapped my chest, then theirs one by one.
“A man knows how to say exactly what he means without lowering himself to be understood. That’s discipline that could be used as power with good self-control.
” I schooled them as smooth as possible.
“You and Uncle Roy be cursing sometimes.” Cain gave me a knowing look.
I smirked and playfully socked him in the chest. I wasn’t offended but always grateful for the boy’s good observation. Cain scratched the side of his head; his brows pulled together like he was waiting for me to have accountability… another thing I stayed on them hard about.
“I’m human,” I started, wanting to be simple and honest with them.
“I fall short of the standard I was taught and the standard I continue to set for myself,” I admitted openly.
They watched me closely, measuring every word I spoke.
“When I curse, it ain’t because I think it makes me sound better. It’s usually because I’m frustrated… or I let a moment get the best of me.” I tapped my temple lightly.
“That’s a lack of control.”
Their eyes widened as they processed my words. I wanted to be clear that I was not perfect but also show myself taking accountability and calling things exactly what they were.
“But you just said that’s weak,” Abel said, holding me to what I taught.
“It is.” I nodded immediately.
“And I ain’t above that. That’s the part I need y’all to understand… I’m not just teaching y’all to be better than other people… I teach y’all to be better than me when I’m not at my best.” I pointed between them.
“When y’all hear me slip,” I went on. “That’s not something to copy. It’s something to learn from…. And I’m grown.” I smirked.
“Y’all will respect me and not use profanity in front of me or other adults.” I eyed them both sternly.
Cain was the first to smile before speaking.
“So when we don’t curse… we kinda stronger, huh?” He looked over at his brother who now wore the same smile as him.
“Exactly,” I confirmed, nodding my head.
“Dang, Pops be real deep with it.” Abel nodded his head slowly like he was listening to a R not since my heart started hurting for one woman, day and night, with every memory tangled and aching inside me.
The ache was sharp, almost physical, and I stiffened, feeling a swirl of emotions slam through me. Finally, I managed to utter out…
“No.” It came out quiet and flat, but the weight behind it shut Abel up for a couple of seconds to help me regain control of my memories of…
Nova baby…Where the fuck are you? I frowned as the question sounded off in my mind. A sharp pain shot up my throat, causing me to massage the center of my neck like I had been struck. I swallowed down the lump that rose before my eyes followed suit by misting over.
La’Nova had scorn me physically and mentally. It was living torture for me that I concealed to the best of my abilities.
Cain’s wide eyes studied me closely, concern brightening his small face. “Are you okay, Pops?” He asked softly, his voice only just above a whisper, as if he was afraid to push it too hard. The tenderness in his question caught me off guard, tugging at something deep in my chest.
I forced a half-smile and shook my head, trying to brush off the heaviness.
“I’m good, lil man. Listen, why don’t you and Abel go get ready?
Nanny Linda’s coming to take you both out for your fun day since you did great all week with home schooling.
” I gave them a pointed look. “But remember, no cursing and make sure you both behave. We don’t want Nanny Linda reporting back that you two wild boys gave her a hard time. ”
Abel rolled his eyes but grinned, while Cain tugged on my sleeve, not quite convinced. Then, out of nowhere, Cain blurted…
“Pops, maybe you should try to go find your Nova baby soon, so your heart won’t be broken anymore.” His innocence was piercing, and for a moment, I couldn’t find the words. My throat tightened again, but I mustered a weak chuckle, ruffling Cain’s hair as I tried to hold myself together.
The boys sauntered off, I released the breath that I didn’t realize I was holding back.
If only they knew how high and low I searched for La’Nova.
I came up empty and lost each month because she left no traces.
I even questioned Serenity, had my men break into her home to go through her phone while she was sleep just to see if she had been secretly talking to La’Nova without letting me know something.
Something clawed at my conscious about her sudden disappearance.
It felt like she took a piece of me with her…
a piece of me that I tried to fulfill on a day-to-day basis but failed miserably at.
It still felt like she was my concern, my responsibility, and most importantly, the cure to my pain and sadness.
I needed her and had no way of finding her.
She took the tracker off her camper and was gone in the wind.