Chapter Seven #3
Thinking of her robe made Tess reflect on her mother again.
She’d been shaped by her wealthy and extremely accomplished lawyer father and her mother, who was a mess of insecurities that manifested in compensatory behavior and unrealistic expectations.
Tess had spent decades doing everything her now deceased parents had demanded, and yet it had never been enough.
Gaining their love had been contingent on more from her than she could provide.
“That robe pleased Mother. As into couture as she was, that didn’t apply to me.
It was the black robe she’d always wanted me in, since I was a toddler.
I was her daughter—destined to make her proud as a prodigious legal professional.
She wasn’t easy to understand, but I’ve concluded that when she abandoned her own dreams to pursue my father and motherhood, she transferred them to me.
It’s too bad she’s not still alive—while not the highest judicial seat, what happened today might have earned me a smidgeon of begrudging approval.
As for Father, not being a son was an insurmountable failure. ”
“And what happened today?”
“I was elected by my colleagues to be the next presiding judge of the Corazon County Superior Court. A power shift for our little group of bench warmers.” Tess sighed. “A shift right onto me.”
“And that doesn’t please you?” Alice’s tone was gentle and attentive, but not surprised.
“I’m not into the management of judicial courthouse dynamics. I’m not really even sure it’s power since I don’t have an agenda to promote. I have no clue how I’ll do at the job.”
“Will you do as well as the person you’re replacing?”
Tess shrugged, then nodded, even though Alice couldn’t see her. “Probably better.”
“Then cut yourself some slack, Tess. You’ll do fine—this is your wise aunt speaking, and the only time I thought I was wrong, I was mistaken.” They both laughed. “As we’ve talked about in the past, it’s a mindset for you. You’re smart and efficient.”
“Thanks, Alice. But the presiding judge thing is only one piece of why I called.”
“I’ve got a second ear. Let’s hear it.” Alice conveyed warmth and openness, the reason Tess had called her.
“Bree. She’s the woman—”
“—you left in Tahoe.”
“She’s just been brought on as a fellow judge in the Corazon courthouse,” Tess replied.
“And that’s a problem because…? It sounds optimal.”
“She doesn’t want what I want.” Tess cursed herself for actually choking up.
She knew how to handle rejection. Move on and get over it.
She’d learned her lessons from her parents and in her occasional attempts at romance that had never worked out.
She’d also developed an aversion to situations that exposed her to possibly being rebuffed.
She’d had enough of that for a lifetime, and yet here she was.
“What does she want?”
“Not me.” Saying it out loud sparked the ache in Tess’s chest. Bree did not want her.
“Essentially, she wants to focus on all the recent changes in her life. A polite way of letting me know where I stand. So I invited her to coffee, so we could leave Tahoe behind,” Tess said.
“I told her that I wanted a cordial relationship…and then the term evolved to amiable.”
“And her response?”
“She suggested friendly.” Effing friendly wasn’t what Tess wanted either.
Alice chuckled. “Cordial, to amiable, to friendly…it sounds like you two haven’t slammed the door, sweet pea. Maybe you’re even making progress. Don’t confuse this Bree woman with your mother.”
Tess just grunted. Progress? She thought about their last night in Tahoe…definitely not her mother. But she didn’t want to be suspended in some shadowland between heaven and hell.
“Maybe she’s got legitimate reasons to hold back for now,” Alice said.
“And maybe I’ve got legitimate reasons for trying to get on with my life.
” Legitimate reasons that included Tess’s personal war with her past, her present, and her future.
And now her lifelong battle with feelings of being inadequate was manifesting in where she currently stood with Bree—she could rationalize Bree’s reasons for not wanting to dive headlong into a new relationship, but tell that to what her heart wanted.
She’d never before been willing for her heart to take the risk, but when they were together, she wanted to believe that there might be conflicting signals from Bree.
And that maybe the risk would be worth it.
“You probably do have legitimate reasons to move on.” Alice’s tone now carried a note of humor.
“It’s not like you like her, and it’s not like she took the time to meet you at a coffeehouse and escalated your interactions from cordial to friendly after she let you know about all those inconsequential changes in her life—a divorce, a major move, a new job.
And it’s not like there’s been any kind of indication other than she wants nothing to do with you. ”
“You’re a big help,” Tess grumbled.
“I am. And I’m always here if you need me, Presiding Judge Theresa Fairchild. It has a ring to it, you know. But I can still say that I love you, Tess. And sometimes…legitimate reasons be damned.”