Chapter 29
Twenty-Nine
Caithren
CAITHREN WASN’T hungry.
Not even for plum pudding (not that any had been served yet).
Jason still hadn’t shown up. Although she had a little of everything on the plate that sat before her, she felt too anxious to eat. She was sure she couldn’t swallow past the lump in her throat. If Jason didn’t return soon, she didn’t know what she would do with herself.
Still and all, she couldn’t help noticing that Christmas Eve Supper was a veritable feast.
One of the advantages of taking turns hosting Christmas was the menu changed from year to year.
Tonight’s table was laden with all of Violet’s family’s favorite holiday dishes: A colossal Christmas pie filled with turkey, chicken, and bacon swimming in butter; fish cooked in wine and butter; buttered cauliflower seasoned with cinnamon; buttered artichoke hearts seasoned with ginger; and a potato pudding swirled with butter, onions, and spices.
Beside an enormous bowl of sallet, hot loaves of fresh white manchet bread sat on a board with a knife.
And a large crock of butter, of course.
Despite her misery, the second thing she couldn’t help noticing was the overabundance of butter.
And there was a third thing she couldn’t help noticing: Rowan enchanting half the ladies at the table.
His mastery was a sight to behold.
“When did your brother become so sleekit?” she asked Violet in a whisper.
“So sleekit?”
“So charming. Such a heartbreaker.”
“Oh.” Violet chuckled in Cait’s ear. “Sometime between Eton and Oxford. He flirts with everything in a skirt.”
Elspeth and Diana were hanging on his every word. Even Amy looked a wee bit enthralled. “Only Jewel seems immune,” Cait observed.
“Beg pardon, my lady.” A footman appeared beside her. “The marquess waits in the drawing room and requests your presence.”
“Oh!” Her heart suddenly racing, she jumped up and rushed through the lobby and into the adjacent room.
When she found Jason standing there, looking pale, she flung herself at him, then swiftly pulled back. “Crivvens, you’re cold. So cold.”
He just shrugged.
“Oh, Jason, I’m so sorry…” She wanted to say she was sorry she’d kept the secret, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it when she didn’t know what he was thinking.
Instead, fraught with nerves, she took an embroidered blanket off the couch and wrapped it around his shoulders. “How did you get so cold?”
“I walked for hours,” he said as she drew him over to the fire. “Just thinking. I can only remember doing that one other time. Before we were wed. The time I thought I’d lost you.”
“By all the saints,” she whispered. “Can you ever forgive me?” Her heart was pounding.
“I know I’ve made a terrible mess of things.
But it’s Christmas, and I didn’t want to upset you, and I couldn’t bear to think—” Hearing herself blethering, she broke off and drew a deep breath.
“I’m so sorry, Jase. I didn’t mean to get with child—”
“Oh, really? That’s what you’re sorry for?” He stared down at her in disbelief. “Do you suppose you got with child on your own?”
“Nay, I—I did not mean that I’m at fault. Just that I’m sorry it’s happened and—”
“What?” He looked, if possible, even more incredulous. “Cait, what are you saying? Do you not want this child?”
“Of course I do!” Tears pricked her eyes at the thought of how much she loved and wanted the bairn growing inside her.
“You were so excited,” she choked out, fighting to keep her composure, “looking forward to our—our next chapter. Traveling without little ones. Just the two of us. You couldn’t wait, and I couldn’t bear to bring you the news that would ruin your happiness—and at Christmas, no less.
You said”—he pressed a handkerchief into her hand, and she blew her nose noisily—“you said that getting me with child would be a calamity!”
“Oh, Cait. You took that seriously?” He let her blow her nose once more, then gripped her shoulders and made her look at him.
“Sweet Cait, I want our child as much as you do.” As more tears leaked down her face, his jaw clenched.
“But you should have told me. I’m hurt that you didn’t tell me.
I’m hurt you told others before me. You did that once before, when you were carrying Griffin, when you feared I’d cancel our journey to Scotland.
And you promised you’d never keep a pregnancy from me again. ”
“I tried to tell you, more than once, but I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make myself do it. I was so afraid…”
“Of what?” he asked, his gaze filled with confusion.
For a moment, they both fell silent. Muffled laughter came from the dining room, so at odds with the tension between them.
“Oh, Cait.” As Jason stepped closer, the embroidered blanket slid from his shoulders to the floor. “You’ve done to me what I once did to you. And you were hurt then, or so you said.”
As always, he was calm in his anger. In all of their years together, he’d never raised his voice to her. Blinking back more tears, she hugged herself. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about.” She couldn’t think straight.
“I didn’t trust you to understand that I’d killed your brother accidentally. I didn’t trust you not to hold that accidental death against me. Can you not see, Cait? You’re doing the same thing here. Not trusting me to accept this accidental pregnancy with understanding…and joy.”
“Joy?” She couldn’t have heard him right. Her eyes widened through the tears. “Joy?”
“Yes, joy,” he repeated firmly. “All three of our children bring me joy. Why should this one be any different?”
He sounded sincere. But she was afraid to believe him. “I feared this one might be different because, well… because…”
She had to know.
“Would you feel the same way if I hadn’t already conceived?” she rushed out. “Would you still want another child? Its arrival will delay the future you’ve been envisioning—mightn’t some part of you resent that? And perhaps resent the child because of it?”
He shook his head, looking thoroughly disgusted. “See, there you go questioning my motives again. I’m devastated you don’t think better of me. I would gladly have ten more children with you, delaying that future for decades. I only talked of that because it seemed our family was complete—”
“Silent dugs also bite,” she cut in quietly.
“Pardon? Is that yet another of your mother’s endless cryptic sayings?”
“Aye. Her way of saying we should assume nothing in this life.”
“Well, I did assume, but I’m happy to learn I was wrong. Another child is a blessing.”
“I assumed, too—that I knew how you’d react. And I’m thrilled to be wrong.”
Quite suddenly, she realized just how very wrong she’d been. After twenty-one years with this man, how had she thought he might not love another child? She’d seen nothing in him to suggest that could happen. Nothing. What on earth had she been thinking?
“Oh, Jase,” she said. “I cannot believe the things I just said to you. I didn’t mean any of it. I think pregnancy must be making me daft.”
“It wouldn’t be the first time,” he said with a hint of his usual good humor. “Thank God it’s temporary. Will it help if I tell you I love you both sane and daft?”
A trickle of relief coursed through her blood. A tremulous hope began to rise. “Does that mean you’ll forgive me?”
“I will.” He fixed her with a fierce green gaze. “So long as you promise never to underestimate me again.”
She remembered telling him something similar, long ago, before she allowed him to propose. “I promise,” she told him solemnly, then launched herself into his arms.
His embrace was the most welcome thing she’d felt in recent memory. He held her so tight she could feel the pendant he wore on a chain beneath his shirt—the emerald amulet that had come down through her family. “Another babe, sweet,” he murmured, sounding genuinely pleased. “The Gypsy was right.”
“Hmm?” More laughter from the dining room filled her heart with happiness now. Loving the family she’d joined with this man, she snuggled even closer. “What Gypsy?”
“The one who sold me your wedding ring.”
“Oh, aye.” She pulled her left arm from around him to see it on her hand—a flat engraved band embedded with tiny, bright green emeralds. “You bought it without dickering,” she reminded him with a wee smile.
“She also told your fortune. She said you’d have a happy marriage. And four children.”
When Cait looked up, her astonished laugh that bubbled up was covered by his kiss.