3. Chapter 3
Chapter 3
Morrie
W hy on earth was I telling Daddy Scott about whale sharks? Had I lost my actual mind? I tried to tell myself to stop talking, to shut up because there was no way he wanted all of this information spewed right at his face, but once I’d started it was hard to stop. He’d looked at me like he was genuinely curious and it had hit me in a weird place inside where hope lay dormant, waiting for someone to uncover it and hold it up to the light again. I couldn’t resist blurting ocean creature facts at him until I finally had to stop to take a breath.
As I exhaled, I watched him carefully out of the corner of my eye, keeping my head tilted down towards the coloring book. Around us, time seemed like it stood still and all I could make out were his copper colored wavy hair and the hint of stubble that lined his angled jaw. His eyes were friendly, far friendlier and warmer than I wanted them to be, because the more he looked at me, the more I felt something simmering inside me that I’d forgotten about.
Want.
Desire.
Hope.
All dangerous things for a boy like me to be feeling. Daddy Scott was handsome, probably the most handsome man I’d seen walk through this club in a long time, but the strange need curling in my belly soured the longer he sat beside me with his warm smile. He probably would ask for more than I could give and in time, everything would turn to shit as it always seemed to do. Though I knew I should feel special that Daddy Scott had singled me out and seemed to want to get to know me instead of opting for my eager, friendly, cuddly best friend, I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff just waiting to be thrown off into the abyss below. I inhaled a slow breath again, pulling my hands down to my lap as I stared at my fingers, toe of my sneaker scraping on the floor in nervous circles.
“I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” Daddy Scott said, in his warm, gentle tone.
“What do you mean to do then?”
“Well, I wanted to get to know you but at the moment I’m just wondering if you know anything about penguins.”
“Penguins?” I asked, turning my head upwards to scrutinize his eyes. The green of them startled my heart, much as it had done the first time I’d looked at him when he walked over to the table and started talking with Perry.
“Yes. Penguins. See, I heard on the radio that the aquarium is having something called a Christmas Penguin Parade and I’m wondering if that’s something that you’d be interested in going to. With me.”
I perked up a bit at the mention of it. I knew the aquarium did a Christmas event every year centered around their small group of resident Humboldt penguins going for a short walk in the space around their enclosure in little scarves and winter hats. I had always wanted to go, but it was a space limited, ticket only event and I never seemed to have the money when the time rolled around. The “with me” part of the statement was what was giving me pause. I wasn’t sure I was ready for a date, because with a date came expectations that my body and skin couldn’t handle.
He'd want to kiss.
Touch.
Hold hands.
“He’d love to,” Perry announced before I could even muster the courage to open my mouth to respond, apparently having overheard at least part of the conversation. I glared at him, cheeks heating and hands trembling on my knees, as he slid back into the booth and plunked two juice boxes on the table. He nudged one over to me, but I didn’t pick it up, choosing instead to sit and silently fume at the idea that he had the right to make dates with strange men at the club for me. Strange men that were kind and wanted to take me to see penguins.
“I think I’d like for Morrie to make his own decision,” Scott reprimanded, his tone soft but firm.
Perry winced a bit at Scott’s words, but recovered quickly, turning his clever eyes on mine as I sat, stewing in the question Scott had asked. My real love was ocean creatures, but everything about the aquarium lit me up like a firework inside when I thought about it. Sometimes, if I had paid all my bills and had a little bit left over, I’d buy myself a ticket and go spend an entire day wandering around from tank to tank, watching the fish swim around their homes. It calmed me down to watch the lazy way they traveled like they had no care in the world. I’d often wondered what it would be like to just know that you were safe all the time and that food was always going to come, and you didn’t have to worry about things like bills because there was no rent to pay when you lived underwater. I eyed Scott carefully, realizing how quickly he’d found my currency and wondering what he was going to do with that information now that he had it.
“What day?” I asked, trying to see if I could use work as an excuse.
“Next Sunday? Does that work?”
Dang. I didn’t work Sunday. I could always lie and say I did, but looking at the hope in Scott’s eyes told me that would be a mistake. I dithered for more than a minute before glancing down at my hands.
“I don’t want you to hold my hand if I go,” I blurted, cheeks heating beneath the beard I wore like armor.
“Okay. Noted. No hand holding. Can I buy you hot chocolate?”
“Yes, if I go,” I responded, with a small smile. One of the best things about winter was hot chocolate and I’d never say no to it if it was on offer. “But no marshmallows.”
Scott chuckled softly and nodded. “No marshmallows. Understood. Is a penguin hat on the table or off?”
“Off. But…” I trailed away, thinking about the tiny little fish stuffies they had lining the wall at the back of the gift shop. I had bought Mr. Starkey there on one of my trips after dithering over the price tag for more than a few minutes, but I had always meant to go back and pick out a little fish stuffy too when I had some extra money. I couldn’t ask for that though, a trip to the aquarium to see the penguin Christmas parade was more than enough.
“But what?”
“Nothing,” I responded, deciding against leveraging my apparent agreement to a date into a stuffy to keep my shark company. I didn’t want to be greedy and besides, I didn’t need one. Not really.
Scott cocked his head to the side like he sensed something unspoken, and I glanced back down at my hands, anticipating him to call me out on my sudden shift in mood. A scuffling sound met my ears, and I looked up to the table to see Scott fishing a pen out of his pocket, a napkin spread out in front of him. He jotted what I assumed was his phone number down and put the pen back into his pocket, gently moving the napkin in front of me.
“Here,” he said. “This is my number. You can call me or text me and we’ll plan, okay?”
“I have a phone. I could just go get it and you could put your number in it,” I said, gesturing towards the locker room at the front of the building.
“That’s alright. See, this way it’s not permanent and you can decide if it feels safe to call me or not without having to look at my name in your contacts every time you open your phone.”
My eyes widened at the word “'safe' and my heart kicked in my chest a tiny bit like it was ready to fly into a panic at the recognition that I was more seen somehow huddled in the corner of the booth than I ever had been before. Scott leaned in closely, bringing his lips near my ear and I could feel the tickle of his breath on my skin.
“You decide, Morrie. Only you, okay?”
I nodded slowly, feeling my ear heat as my skin prickled a little bit at his closeness. Across the table, Perry was grinning like a Cheshire cat, and I bit back a scowl, forcing myself to stay neutral.
“Thank you for your company,” Scott said, sliding out of the booth and leaving the seat beside me cold and empty.
“Nice to meet you Daddy Scott,” Perry chortled as he waved joyfully.
I glanced up and nodded again, offering what felt like it could have been a smile if I let it loose. Scott winked at me, his own lips curling into a grin for a moment before he turned and headed away from the table.
“Morrie!” Perry squealed, shuffling over on the seat to sit close to me. “You have a date.”
I frowned at him, glancing back down at the napkin with Scott’s number on it, before looking back up at my friend. “I’m not calling him.”
Perry’s face fell and he sighed at me, shoving the napkin towards me. “You should. He seems nice.”
“He is nice.” And that was the problem, really. I’d watched him carefully as he’d let me talk about whale sharks and not once did he look like he was getting bored or annoyed by me. He didn’t try to put his arm around me after I’d told him not to and he didn’t get close enough to make my brain go haywire and demand I get away from him. I didn’t know what to do with that. I’d only ever had one experience with a Daddy and he’d ended up not being a match in the end. “It’s not you, it’s me,” he’d said, but his eyes had told me the truth. It had been me. I had been difficult the entire way through and just as I’d started getting comfortable and relaxed enough in his presence to snuggle up beside him on the couch, he’d decided that wasn’t enough for him. He’d needed a fast hare and I was more of a slow tortoise sort of boy.
“I don’t understand you, Morrie,” Perry sighed, like he was frustrated by me though the noise was laced with sadness.
I looked at my friend and felt his sadness rippling like a wave from him. Carefully, slowly, I picked up my hand and with trembling fingers placed it on top of his where it rested on the table. Perry’s eyes went wide as my nerves screamed at the touch of his skin against mine, but he didn’t move an inch like he knew how difficult this was for me.
“I just want you to be happy.”
“I am happy, Perry.”
I pretended the words weren’t sour where they sat in the air between us, my mouth curling into a smile that felt as fake as the happiness I claimed to own.