14. Chapter 14
Chapter 14
Scott
M orrie was as silent as the grave as we drove through the city to my house, his head resting on the side window and eyes staring straight forward. There was something happening inside his brain that he wasn’t telling me about but I wasn’t sure whether or not to push. Maybe leaving him to figure it out, in hopes that he’d come to me with whatever it was when he was ready would be the best choice to make. I had made a couple of calls to his landlord while he’d been packing his things but was forced to leave voicemails each time which was disappointing. Not out of character though, given what Morrie had told me about the man.
As I pulled into the garage of my house, he lifted his head, though his expression remained blank and forlorn. I would do anything to make him smile, to take whatever it was away, and I was hoping that a bath and a snuggle with Blitzen would help. By the time I’d turned the car off, Morrie was already out of the car, pulling open the back door to grab the two garbage bags he’d packed his things into. He lifted them in his hands, the weight bearing down on him and making him look much smaller than he really was.
“Want me to carry that?” I asked, holding out my hands.
“It’s my stuff,” he replied, shaking his head.
I nodded, instead leading the way up the stairs of the garage and opening the door. “You can leave it here in the laundry nook by the door.”
Morrie nodded, dropping the bags to the tiled floor where I’d told him to, before kneeling down and ripping the top of one of them open. I watched him root around inside it, until he pulled out Mr. Starkey. He frowned as he turned the stuffy over in his hands like he was checking it for wetness. It appeared clean and dry from where I stood though, he'd taken care packing it into things that weren't wet and soggy. I watched as he nodded at it like he'd just confirmed for himself that it wasn't soiled. In a move I had not seen him do yet, he lifted the shark to his mouth and tucked the tip of its tail between his teeth, sucking hard on it as his other hand came up to wipe at his tired eyes.
“Are we blitzen?”
He nodded, lips moving rhythmically as he sucked on the corner of his toy. “Blitzen.”
“Okay,” I said, pitching my tone low and gentle. “Then what I need you to do is go to the bathroom and wait for me, okay?”
“Why?”
“A bath to relax and warm up will help, I think. What do you think?”
I anticipated a bit of push back, but Morrie simply nodded slowly, his face defeated and body slumping where he stood. He took the corner of his shark out of his mouth and curled it beneath his arm before wobbling away on feet that didn’t look steady or sure. I waited until he disappeared around the corner, then quickly threw all of his clothing into the washing machine before making my way to the tree. I reached beneath it and grabbed one of the presents I’d bought in passing for Morrie, something I’d hoped he’d be excited to see on Christmas morning, but could use right now instead. When I made my way to the bathroom, present in hand, I found Morrie standing in the middle of the room, clutching his shark in his hand as he stared into the mirror at his own eyes.
“What do you see in there?” I asked, coming to stand behind him. He shook his head, glancing back to look at me, vulnerable and soft as he begged with his eyes for me to be gentle with him. Gentle, he would get. I held out the present and his eyes widened a tiny amount before narrowing again. “An early present for a tough day.”
“It’s not Christmas,” he murmured back, though he took the present from me, placing Mr. Starkey on the counter.
“I won’t tell Santa if you don’t.” I winked and his lips curled briefly into a smile before his face went flat again. With careful fingers, he ripped the package open, dropping paper onto the floor of the bathroom.
HIs breath hitched as he finally uncovered the small mesh bag of ocean animal water toys I’d found at the grocery store when I’d been there picking up dinner one night. He held the bag up, turning it this way and that as his smile crept back to his cheeks. “A shark!”
“A shark, just like Mr. Starkey,” I added, gesturing to the abandoned animal he’d dropped to the countertop by the sink. “And look. An octopus and a whale too.”
“And a penguin,” he added, voice a bit louder now. “Like you like, except this one is a macaroni penguin, I think.”
“That’s a ridiculous name. I think they should be called spaghetti penguins.” The tiniest giggle left Morrie’s lips before he clamped his mouth shut again. I reached up and gently brushed my hand over the back of his head, watching as his eyes met mine in the mirror. “Time to get you undressed for a bath. If we are tortoise, I will help,, okay?”
“Okay. Tortoise.”
I moved to start the water in the tub, making sure it wasn’t too hot. I wanted to warm the goosebumps off his skin, not burn him. When that was running, I turned to find him standing behind me, looking very uncertain. I sat on the edge of the bathtub and reached for him, pulling him close enough that I could get him ready for his bath. He came to me with ease, letting me undress him with the minimum amount of fuss, until he was down to his underwear.
“I’m naked underneath,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around his tummy and holding onto himself tight.
“I hope so,” I laughed, nudging his hip with my hand. “Little boys who need baths should be naked before they get in the water.”
“I don’t want you to touch me there,” he said, firm and adamant as he set his jaw hard beneath his skin.
“I won’t. I promised, remember? That kind of touch doesn’t happen when we’re playing. You can take them off yourself if that feels better for you.” He nodded and quickly slid out of his underwear, covering himself with his hands. I smiled, looking into his eyes. “Good job. Ready to hop in and play with your toys?”
He nodded and holding onto my hand for safety, climbed into the bathtub. I turned the water off as he slid beneath the warmth, his eyes sliding shut as he sank until just his head was above the water. I let him float there for a moment, his blank face bobbing above the edge of the water and his arms lifeless at his sides. When he finally opened his eyes, he looked sad again and I added his toys to the tub to see if I could get him happier. He sat up, water streaming down his chest as he reached for them. Soon enough, Morrie was playing a silent game with his animals, the warmth of the water making his skin pink as he splashed around. I slid onto the toilet, sitting on the seat as I watched him play, searching for his joy, hoping that whatever was in his head tonight wasn’t killing that for him. He needed this, I knew. Time to relax and let go of his adult self and exist in a world where there was just warm water, toys and a Daddy sitting close by, ready to care for him.
A tiny giggle left his lips as he squeezed the shark and shot water across the room from a hole between its teeth. Surprised, I met his wide eyes. I hadn’t known they could do that as much as he clearly hadn’t, but by the way his lips were curling into a devious smile, I could tell I was in a bit of trouble. He stuck the shark beneath the water again, then held it up, aiming its mouth right at me.
“Morrie,” I cautioned. “Don’t shoot me.”
He giggled, giving the toy a tiny squeeze. A little tease. I fought the smile that threatened to break across my lips at the excitement in his eyes.
“I’m not.”
“Morrie.”
He squeezed the toy again, water dribbling from its mouth. “I’m not, okay?”
“I’m serious. Don’t spray me.” Don’t listen to me, I added silently. Please, shoot water at me, soak the bathroom, just show me that you’re having fun and that I’m on the right track. I had never begged for a boy to be bad and make mistakes, but watching the way Morrie had shut down on me earlier, seeing the fear and panic that had crept through him, I figured there was a first for everything.
With a cheeky grin, Morrie squeezed the shark hard and shot me right in the face with water. I gasped as it hit my forehead, then slid down my face to drip off the end of my nose. Morrie broke into peals of laughter, tipping his head back until he almost choked on the sound and had to stop cackling to catch his breath.
“So naughty,” I murmured, reaching forward to grasp the small octopus inside the tub, making sure his eyes stayed on my face. I squeezed it under the water, letting it fill all the way up. “What should I do with my naughty boy who doesn’t listen?”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, face falling slightly and uncertainty creeping into his features.
“Maybe, I should shoot them with an octopus.” I grinned as I lifted the toy and squeezed it, watching water shoot over Morrie’s chest. His entire face brightened in joy. Again, he held up the shark and we spent the next few minutes shooting water all over each other until I called a truce.
"I give, I give," I sputtered, wiping water off my face with my shirt. "You win."
"I know." He grinned at me, his eyes still sparkling until he sank back into the tub.
“You getting cold in there?" The water had to be chilly by now. I dipped my fingers in and confirmed that it had cooled off quite a bit.
"If I do this, it makes it warm again." Morrie whooshed his arms at his sides and I laughed.
“Five more minutes, then we need to eat something.”
“Can I have macaroni cheese?” he asked.
“Macaroni cheese?”
“From the blue box.”
I reached out and smoothed a lock of his wet, sandy hair back off his forehead as I took stock of what I had in my cupboards. There had to be a box of macaroni and cheese somewhere in the kitchen. “I think I can make macaroni cheese for you.”
“Thanks,” he whispered, sinking back into the cooling water and letting himself float there in the fading warmth.
Hours later, Morrie was tucked into the spare bedroom beneath the yellow quilt, having declined my offer of joining me in my room, and I was laying in my own bed, going over the entire night in my mind. The utter devastation on his face when he’d heard that he wouldn’t be able to stay at home was like nothing I’d ever seen before and it had shaken me to my core. I had hugged him, pressed him close to me without even thinking about the fact that he’d told me that someone hugging him would get a punch to the face. I hadn’t gotten one, instead I’d gotten a sombre boy who, despite the levity in the bathroom, had sank further into his own head over the course of the night. I had watched it happen, like slow moving molasses I couldn’t have stopped if I’d tried. He’d told me he was just tired and had assured me that tomorrow would feel better. I lay back in bed, going over the night in my head along with what was to come tomorrow. Would he wake up the same as he'd ended the night? A sad, broken little? Or would he perk up and put on a brave face? He had to work in the morning, I knew and that thought brought a rush of alarm to my head.
“The fucking laundry,” I mumbled, yawning as I pushed myself to my feet and left my warm bed behind. I’d completely forgotten to move his things from the washing machine into the dryer, having gotten lost trying to figure out how I could get him to smile again while failing at every turn.
I crept past the spare room, peering in through the crack to see Morrie laying on his ide, facing away from the door. I couldn’t tell if he was sleeping, but not wanting to bother him, I moved down the hallway as quiet as I could to change the laundry over. When that was done and his clothing was drying, I crept back cross the house towards my bedroom, but stopped dead in my tracks when I heard sniffling coming through the crack in the spare room door. I paused, listening as Morrie cried, sniffling and sighing sadly to himself in the darkness of the room. Unable to stay away any longer, I opened the door and went to him, sitting on the edge of the bed and placing my hand firm on his shoulder.
He jumped a little bit, but when he turned his face upwards to mine, all I could see was such sadness that it made my own heart ache. He hiccupped as he wiped at his eyes, rolling over to face me, tears streaming down his cheeks.
“I didn’t mean to wake you up,” he whispered, choking the words out.
“You didn’t, I had to change over the laundry and thought I’d come check on you. How can I help?”
“I don’t even know,” he sighed, wiping the tears off his face. “I shouldn’t be crying, but…” He trailed off before shrugging his shoulders a bit, new tears prickling in the corner of his eyes. “I’m just tired of everything turning to shit in my life, that’s all. Feeling sorry for myself, I guess.”
“That’s allowed.”
He snorted a soft laugh, but there was no joy in it. “I just want to cry and stomp my feet and demand that you take me home to my space where I feel comfortable, but I can’t do that. It’s gone. At least for now it is, and that feels pretty awful.”
“I know, I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t know if I can sleep here, Scott. I can’t get my head to stop circling thoughts I don’t want to think and this room… it’s awful.”
“How so?” I asked, looking around. It was a pretty barren space and did need some decorating, but he hadn’t wanted to come to my bed when I’d offered it to him earlier.
“It’s clean,” he sobbed. “It’s so clean and perfect. I hate it. I just want to throw things around the room and scrape all the paint off the walls.”
He broke down again at that admission, shaking in the bed and I carefully removed the covers from his body. Carefully, I stood and held out my hand to him, inviting him to join me. If the room was the problem, then we could leave the room. Though I didn’t understand it myself, it seemed to matter to Morrie. He carefully put his shaking hand in mine and I led us away from the offensive spare room and out to the living room.
I let go of his hand, then crossed over to the tree and plucked Blitzen out from beneath the branches, before going to grab the bag that contained Morrie’s blanket from the kitchen counter. I had forgotten about it earlier and he felt very much like he needed it now. Pulling it out of the plastic bag, I gave it a shake, watching as the greens, blues and oranges tumbled and unfolded into a perfect lap sized blanket. “Come sit.”
Morrie made his way slowly into the living room, moving like a timid deer. He settled onto the very corner of the couch and I frowned. “Scoot back. Get comfy.”
He carefully followed my directions and I smiled down at him, holding out Blitzen. Gingerly, he reached out and took the toy, immediately rubbing his nose and cheeks on it as he sighed gently, sinking into the couch a little bit. I spread out the blanket and held it up. “Arms up.”
Dutifully, Morrie lifted his arms into the air and I lay the blanket on his lap, taking care to tuck it around him. When he was all settled, I sank onto the couch beside him and watched as he turned sideways to see me, pulling himself into a ball with his chin on his knees and his reindeer tucked between his chest and thighs.
“Tell me everything you want to, Morrie. I’m here for it.”